Real Life In London Part 66

"I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most irksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could be reduced. But you should recollect, that the generality of persons who study in this College expect an early termination of their privations, by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of escaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished; and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibility of indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as the power, when at liberty."

"Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?" pointing to a person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, and with a vacant countenance.

"Hush," replied Merry well, "for we have modest men here as well as elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying enquiries: his name is F--rr--ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; for it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arrive at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliant imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have money for a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived--who have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to the necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of a phaeton or a ~60~~ curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret The person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F--rr--ter of Court notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property.

It is said that his princ.i.p.al failing has been too strong an inclination to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expended the bulk of his fortune."

"He cuts a curious figure now, however," said Tallyho, "and every view at first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth."

"Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P----s? That is Captain R----n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character to the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a belief among those who knew him, that he was a man of property--married with a view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles."

"Why, it was no laughing matter," said Tom; "the lucky hit was all a miss."

"Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer," replied Dashall.

"It may be so," said Merrywell; "I am not fly{1} to the subject at present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its mysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is flying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what appet.i.te we may. Do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian cap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?"

1 Fit--To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be awake.

"I was on the point of enquiry," said Bob; "Pray who is he?"

"That is another Captain."

"Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined here," said Tallyho; "at all events, your ranks are not deficient of officers."

"But then," said Dashall, "they are out of commission and out of practice."

"For want of command," continued Merrywell; "though Capt. S----, although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character, having once been made ~61~~inspector of the pavement,{1} or in other words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says true, he has also figured away in other situations equally honourable--a flash turf man--a naval character, and a smuggler. But come, I have given you a sort of index by which you may read, mark, and learn more, when we are more at leisure.

It is now half past three o'clock, and punctuality is always my motto."

1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop--Cant term for the pillory.

"Humph," e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Tom; "Cash down, and no grumbling."

"D----n severity," was the reply; "no more of that, or we cut: touch my honour, and you touch my life."

"Dot and go one," cried Dashall. "Come along, Bob!" and catching his Cousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartment in the State House.

On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to his appointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, though rather confined, had furnished them with good appet.i.tes. Apologies were banished, and to it they went without "let, hinderance, or molestation"--the viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful.

The cloth being removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the day.

Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!--Parks and pleasure ground s without priories! were drank in b.u.mpers with enthusiastic applause. The merriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned the afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived he could have found under unlimited circ.u.mstances. The good humour and hospitality of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of those he entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began to mangle his mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites into the canisters held out for their bounty, repa.s.sed the gates, well pleased and highly diverted with the information they had obtained, and the occurrences of the day; and not a little exhilarated by the Baccha.n.a.lian juice.

"Well," said Tallyho, "this is a scene of _Real Life_, which I should judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish for an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians."

~62~~ "Provided always nevertheless with an equal opportunity of leaving it when we please," said Dashall; "and probably we have only seen one of the best pictures it contains, for although we have been as jolly as Sandboys, there is a large store of misery unseen. But let us proceed.

We shall soon be free from College Rules, and a thought strikes me, that we can make a call on our road that will afford another view of society equally amusing and refres.h.i.+ng. I have often observed to you, that in order to see Life, there is no necessity to buz about with court flies, to waste time and money in getting introduced to the tip tops of the West, to join what are termed the fas.h.i.+onable circles, and to end a fas.h.i.+onable career by a whereas or a whitewas.h.i.+ng. The true student of Real Life should occasionally mingle with all descriptions of persons, mark the characters and their conduct; and, believe me, there are those in the humblest situations, who enjoy themselves in their own way with as much of heartfelt satisfaction as those in the highest, of which, I think, I shall be able to give you a decided proof before we reach home."

They now pursued their way along the London Road and over Westminster Bridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend.

"Come, Bob," said he, "here we must uncase--doff the present toggery, and turn out in new trim for the evening."

"What!" enquired Bob, "another masquerade?"

"No, no," was the reply, "a temporary suspension of the dress and character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and suspected by the company to which I intend to introduce you."

Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page62 Public House]

"Fear nothing," said Tom, as they pa.s.sed the threshold; "don't be flurried by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the coal-heaving coves."

As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose face indicated the want of water, although so near the river.

~63~~ "Order, order," was vociferated in an instant by a jolly good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, at the same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles--"This here vay, gentlemen--Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the plate for Backy."

"Vy, that's a lie!" roar'd out a Stentorian voice, "I never takes my seat before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha'

penny."

"Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,'' said another. "Make him tip" cried a third, "or else stick him in the nitch."{1}

1 Stick him in the nitch--Send him to Coventry.

Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other end of the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took their seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, they began to look around them.

The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was "No trust," printed in large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment: then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a house of call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way of distinction, had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward in the fas.h.i.+on of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on which stood a gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-out workman fast asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a snoring accompaniment to a roar of laughter.

"Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going to begin?"

"Order, order, chair, chair!" now resounded from every one.

"Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, because vy--I an't got no woice."

"I knows better nor that," said Bill Muggins, "for, by ----ven you fell overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I pulled you out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have got two woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if you had but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed--d.i.c.k bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a vooden spoon against a soot bag."

~64~~ A general laugh succeeded this sally, which was accompanied by the speaker with a violent blow upon the table, which threatened confusion to the candles, gla.s.ses, and porter-pots, with which it was loaded.

"Veil," continued the chairman, "you know its all my eye, I an't got no sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out."

"Vy, you know d.i.c.k, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses you nothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes.

"Vhat a hearty blade am I, Care ca'nt never touch my heart, Every trouble I defy, Vhile I views the foaming quawt.

A very good song, and very well sung; Jolly kimpanions, every one, Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann, A little more liquor will do us no harm.

Blankets and pins, blankets and pins, When a man's married his sorrow begins."

The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared to be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and reiterated cries of "Well done, Bill--go it, Bill--Bill Muggins for ever!" and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner.

"Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen,"said the President; "here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say, Bill, vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?"