Real Life In London Part 7

By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and secretly giggling and enjoying the embarra.s.sment of the old woman, whose wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and shrivelled features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and ta.s.sels, which only served to render them still more ludicrous.

Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd--he could not account for it at all--stammered out something like an apology--begg'd pardon--it was--a mistake--he really took it for his own room--he never was so bewildered in his life--was very sorry he should cause so much alarm--but really had no sort of intention whatever.

"Well," said Dashall, "the best reparation you can now make for your intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;" and taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then proceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be ready for Sparkle, who was expected every minute.

The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productive of some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, had sustained the princ.i.p.al character--a character not altogether suitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of much merriment to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the embarra.s.sment of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life with ungovernable laughter. It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished a good subject of speculation and conversation among the servants below, but was not so well relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed, the abrupt entrance of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her ideas, that she was longer than usual in decking her person previous to her ~65~~re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady had been subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, and the probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon her sacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover her usual serenity.

Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are now describing; but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual survey of men, manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave them in peace and quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter.

CHAPTER VII

What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights You'll meet in the gay scene of London; How charming to view" amus.e.m.e.nts still new, Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done.

At the gay scene at Court--Peers and gentry resort, In pleasure you'll never miss one day: There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday.

~66~~TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found no difficulty, and lost no time in preparing for the promenade; while, on the other hand, Tallyho was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a way suitable to make his appearance in the gay world of fas.h.i.+on. Dashall had therefore rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past eleven, he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; for although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not have been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found him looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving in his mind the events of the morning.

"Come," said Tom, as he entered, "'tis time to be on the move, and if Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon him at Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents his appearance--we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day before us."

"I am at your service," replied Bob, who could not help viewing the elegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and the neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects of admiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almost to excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a fas.h.i.+onable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin breeches, and boots, over ~67~~which a pair of leggings appeared, which extended below the calf of the leg and half up the thigh, surmounted with a _Lily Shallow_. Such was the costume in which he was destined to show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes they emerged from the house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and proceeded towards Bond Street.

The first object that took their particular attention was the Burlington Arcade. "Come," said Tom, "we may as well go this way," and immediately they pa.s.sed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance to prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the shops, with the sun s.h.i.+ning through the windows above, afforded much for observation, and attracted Bob from side to side--to look, to wonder and admire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be gone out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. "Another and a better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, and as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove disorderly; we shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with us, we have one of the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in the world. He is a sort of index to every thing, and every body; his knowledge of life and character, together with a facetiousness of whim and manner, which he has in delineating them, are what we call in London--_Prime and bang up to the mark_. There is scarcely a Lane, Court, Alley, or Street, in the Metropolis, but what he knows, from the remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to the open and elegant Squares of the West, even to Hyde Park Corner. Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all times to animate his tongue, and, as the Song says,

"He is the hoy for bewitching 'em, Whether good-humour'd or coy."

Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, and fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a dungeon or a palace, he would always appear the same."

By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, each step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description appeared to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries which were ~68~~vociferated around them produced in his mind uncommon sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the shops, and the continual hum of the pa.s.sengers, contributed to heighten the scene.

"Bond Street," said Dashall, "is not one of the most elegant streets in the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fas.h.i.+onable people, and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle--all life--every species of fas.h.i.+onable vehicle is to be seen das.h.i.+ng along in gay and gallant pride. From two to five are the fas.h.i.+onable shopping-hours, for which purpose the first families resort to this well-known street--others, to shew their equipage, make an a.s.signation, or kill a little time; which is as much a business with some, as is the more careful endeavours of others to seize him in his flight, and make the most of his presence. The throng is already increasing; the variety, richness, and gaiety of the shops in this street, will always be attractive, and make it a popular rendezvous of both s.e.xes. It will shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or the Royal Exchange; and the magic splendour has very peculiar properties.

"It makes the tradesman forget--while he is cheating a lovely and smiling d.u.c.h.ess--that in all probability her ladys.h.i.+p is endeavouring to cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady of the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle,{1} in order to raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatre at half-price. It makes the das.h.i.+ng prisoner forget, that while "he is sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only taking his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lord who drives four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of the fas.h.i.+onable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the clothes in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more than likely to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that _John Doe_ and _Richard Roe_ have expelled him from his

1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of friend, who lives at the sign of the Three b.a.l.l.s, indicative of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the chances are two to one against any property being redeemed after being once committed to the keeping of this tender hearted and affectionate relative.

69~~lodgings; and a third that all his worldly possessions are not equal to the purchase of a dinner. It is an _ignis fatuus_--a sort of magic lantern replete with delusive appearances--of momentary duration--an escape to the regions of noise, tumult, vanity, and frivolity, where the realities of Life, the circ.u.mstances and the situation of the observer, are not suffered to intrude.

"But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the essentials to the existence of _haut-ton_--it is the point of attraction for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiar nod of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without money a.s.sumes the consequential air of independence: while modest merit creeps along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses are tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, for no other reason than because it is the constant business of a fas.h.i.+onable life--not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the luxuries of the affluent without a t.i.the of their income, and to sacrifice morality at the altar of notoriety."

"Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so much," said Tallyho, "is truly lively."

"But it is strictly true," continued Tom.

They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate, whom they pa.s.sed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of the boxes of which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a well-dressed young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his coffee--"Take notice of him," said Tom.

Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, which was in the extreme of fas.h.i.+on; while Tom, turning to one of the Waiters, enquired for his friend Sparkle.

"He has not been here since yesterday morning!" said the Waiter.

"I have been waiting for him these two hours!" exclaimed the young Sprig of Fas.h.i.+on, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, "and must wait till he comes--Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?---very glad to see you--left all well in the country, I hope!--Mr. Sparkle was to have met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone into the country."

"It must have been late last night, then," said Dashall, ~70~~"for he left us about half-past ten, and promised also to meet us again this morning at eleven; I can't think what can have become of him--but come,"

said he, taking Bob by the arm, "we must keep moving--Good morning--good morning." And thus saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to the right again towards Piccadilly.

"There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith," said Tom, "that one half of the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke to in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what I have seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a _hanger on_."

"A hanger on," said Bob--"what can that mean? I took him for a man of property and high birth--but I saw you take so little notice of him."

"Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by appearances. A _hanger on_ is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be found--men who can _spin out a long yarn_, tell a tough story, and tip you _a rum chant_--who invite themselves by a freedom of address bordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons they know, by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed time: by a.s.suming great confidence, great haste, little appet.i.te, and much business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to forego them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he can have to do with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is an insinuating and an intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, so I cut him."

Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and therefore begged his Cousin to explain.

"The cut," said Tom, "is a fas.h.i.+onable word for getting rid, by rude or any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of _cutting_ is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatise has been written on the subject for the edification of the natives.{1} But I am so bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and deprived us of his company, that I scarcely know how to think for a moment on any other subject at present."

1 Vide a small volume ent.i.tled "The Cutter."

~71~~"It is somewhat strange!" cried Bob, "that he was not with you this morning."

"There is some mystery in it," said Tom, "which time alone can unravel; but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble." At this moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way to St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman pa.s.sing by on the opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. "That,"

said Tom, "is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too--for although he has but one arm, he is a man of science."

"In what way?" enquired Bob.

"He is a pugilist," said Tom--"one of those courageous gentlemen who can queer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop the noddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can a.s.sure you, among those who

----"can combat with ferocious strife, And beat an eye out, or thump out a life; Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, And die, like n.o.ble blockheads, for their pains."

[Ill.u.s.tration: page71 Fives Court]

"Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the ring--though he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at the Fives Court exhibitions, and generally appears _a la Belcher_. He prides himself upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. I have had some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, and felt the force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commence in a friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which he cannot resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with Harry and me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, because he has but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, said he, it shall only be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, for it would not be fair to attack a one-armed man with two, and no one ought to take the odds in combat. To it we went, and I shewed _first blood_, for he tapped _the claret_ in no time.

"Neat _milling we had_, what with _clouts on the n.o.b_, Home hits in the _bread-basket_, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the daylights, a prettier treat Between two _Johnny Raws_ 'tis not easy to meet."

~72~~"I profited however by Harry's lessons, and after a short time was enabled to return the compliment with interest, by sewing up one of his _glimmers_.

"This is St. James's Street," continued he, as they turned the corner rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he had just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, who was mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who had no intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, by--"I beg pardon, Sir," while Bob, who perceived the poor creature was unable to rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, a.s.sisted him to regain his erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, yclept Dandy, however had only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the stiffness of certain appendages, without which its person could not be complete--the _stays_, lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to its rising. Being however placed in its natural position, he began in an affected bl.u.s.tering tone of voice to complain that it was d----d odd a gentleman could not walk along the streets without being incommoded by puppies--pulled out his quizzing gla.s.s, and surveyed our heroes from head to foot--then taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by application to the nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he was sorry for the accident, had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt.

This, however, did not appear to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned upon his heel muttering to himself the necessity there was of preventing drunken fellows from rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and genteel people in the day-time.

Dashall, who overheard the substance of his e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, broke from the arm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a second time; a circ.u.mstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional alarm, and his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance.

"What do you mean?" cried Dashall, with indignation, taking the imputation of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. "Who, and what are you, ~73~~Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the honour of a gentleman, I'll chastise this insolence."

1 "What are you?" is a formidable question to a dandy of the present day, for

"Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind; A something, nothing, not to be defined; 'Twould puzzle worlds its s.e.x to ascertain, So very empty, and so very vain."

It is a fact that the following examination of three of these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report was thus given: