Jokes For All Occasions Part 21

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant smile.

"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."

FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."

FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell--like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."

FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--

"An attachment _a la_ Plato For a bashful young potato."

Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.

Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following paragraph:

"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest son of Mr. and Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations."

FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river--I've just come out!"

FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most astonis.h.i.+ng follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.

The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would surely run after them.

FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a comment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense."

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.

FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall; the mistress preferred the west wall.

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.

"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."

FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the s.h.i.+ftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men slouching past him.

"Hi, you! where are you going?"