Jokes For All Occasions Part 23

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:

"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--

"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"

GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.

Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly a.s.sembled. The answer was explicit:

"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."

GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all the superst.i.tious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts, and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid, he would pa.s.s the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not, however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to the haunted house for the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing negro.

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud and evidently worn with fatigue.

"Hi, dar, n.i.g.g.e.r!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de las' foh days?"

And Sam answered simply:

"Ah's been comin' back."

G.o.d

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:

"I'm drawing a picture of G.o.d."

"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen G.o.d. No one knows how G.o.d looks."

"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they will."

G.o.d'S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance, he attempted to rea.s.sure her:

"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and it's deader 'n dead."

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:

"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until G.o.d called it home!"

GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.

"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are."

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce."

GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy was greatly embarra.s.sed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only from the excitement of the special service through which he had pa.s.sed, but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too, he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.

"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise the Lord! I practise it!"

GRAMMAR

The pa.s.sing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby brother close by on the curb.

"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.

"No, I ain't going," was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"