Jokes For All Occasions Part 42

The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:

"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."

POKER

Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.

"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.

The Yankee did not hesitate.

"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll b.u.mp it up four tons."

POLITENESS

The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest b.u.t.tons to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:

"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"

"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.

"Please call her then," the fat man requested.

Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarra.s.sment.

After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could contrive:

"This is pretty good soup--what there is of it."

He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad impression from his previous speech:

"And there's plenty of it--such as it is."

On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was offered him.

Johnnie shook his head seriously.

"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."

The teacher used as an ill.u.s.tration of bad grammar, for correction by the cla.s.s, the following sentence:

"The horse and cow is in the pasture."

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:

"Please, sir, ladies should come first."

The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him:

"You must excuse my not giving you my seat--I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."

"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring--I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.

"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."

POLITICS

The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a pet.i.tion.

"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."

The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.

"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."

POPULATION

Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city.

"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."

POSTAL

It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well informed is shown in a quotation by _Punch_ of a local letter-carrier's apology to a lady on his round:

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"

PRAISE

One negro workman was overheard talking to another:

"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat n.i.g.g.e.r Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!"