Jokes For All Occasions Part 48

"You dum fool, why dont ye git offen the track?"

The fleeting boy screamed an answer:

"No, sirree! Ye'd ketch me in a jiffy on thet-thar ploughed ground."

RECOGNITION

The office telephone was out of order. An employee of the company was sent to make repairs. After a period of labor, he suggested to the gentleman occupying the office the calling up of some one over the wire in order to test the working of the instrument. The gentleman obligingly called for the number of his own home in the suburbs. When the connection was made, he called into the transmitter:

"Maria!" and after a pause, "Maria!" and again "Maria!" There followed a few seconds of waiting, and he repeated his call in a peremptory tone, "Maria!"

The electric storm that had been gathering broke at this moment. A bolt of lightning hit the telephone wires. The gentleman was hurled violently under his desk. Presently, he crawled forth in a dazed condition, and regarded the repair man plaintively.

"That's her!" he declared. "The telephone works fine."

REFORM

Abe Jones was a colored man who made a living by chicken-stealing. He was converted at a camp meeting. When the elder was receiving testimonies from the mourners' bench, he at last called on Abe:

"Brother," he exhorted, "won't you tell the congregation now what the Lord has done for you?"

Abe got to his feet awkwardly, and mumbled his response in a tone tinged with bitterness:

"It looks as though the Lawd done ruint me."

RELIABILITY

The Southern lady saw old 'Rastus setting out with his fis.h.i.+ng tackle for a day on the river, and she deemed it a fitting time to rebuke him for his notorious idleness, since she and everybody else knew that the entire family was supported by the industry of 'Rastus' old wife as a washerwoman.

"'Rastus," she said severely, "do you think it's right to leave your wife hard at work over the washtub while you pa.s.s your time fis.h.i.+ng?"

"Ya.s.sum, ma'am," replied the old darky earnestly. "It's all right. Mah wife don' need any watchin'. She'll wuk jes' as hard as if I was dah."

REPENTANCE

"When the Devil was sick, the Devil a monk would be: When the Devil was well, the devil a monk was he."

REPEt.i.tION

The little girl had been naughty in school. By way of punishment, she was directed by the teacher to remain in her seat after the session until she had written an original composition containing not less than fifty words. In a surprisingly short s.p.a.ce of time, she offered the following, and was duly excused:

"I lost my kitty, and I went out and called, Come, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

RESIGNATION

The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality:

"I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery."

This candor was offensive to the patient, who protested with what violence was permitted by a very scanty breath:

"Here, hold on! What are you gittin' at? I ain't a-goin' to snuff out!"

The wife interposed in a soothing voice:

"You leave it to the doctor, dearie--he knows best."

REVOLUTION

At a reception given by the Daughters of the Revolution in New York City appeared a woman from one of the Latin-American States. She wore a large number of decorations and insignia. It was explained that she was a Daughter of all two hundred and thirty-eight revolutions in her own country.

REWARD OF MERIT

A very tidy young man was distressed by his wife's carelessness in attire at home. He was especially annoyed by a torn skirt, which his wife was forever pinning and never mending. Being a tidy man, he had acquired some skill with a needle in his bachelor days. With the intention of administering a rebuke to his wife, he set to work on the skirt during her absence and sewed it up neatly. When, on her return home, he showed her what he had done, she was touched and kissed him tenderly. Soon she left the room, to return with an armful of garments.

"Here are some more for you, darling," she announced happily. "Don't hurry. Just do them whenever you have time."

REWARD OF VIRTUE

The little boy put a serious question to his mother:

"Please, mama, tell me: If I'm a good boy, and I die, and go to heaven, will G.o.d give me a nice ickle devil to play with?"

The teacher directed the cla.s.s to compose fiction narrative. The most interesting story submitted ran as follows:

"A poor young man fell in love with the daughter of a rich lady who kept a candy store. The poor young man could not marry the rich candy lady's daughter because he had not money enough to buy any furniture.

"A wicked man offered to give the young man twenty-five dollars if he would become a drunkard. The young man wanted the money very much, so he could marry the rich candy lady's daughter, but when he got to the saloon he turned to the wicked man and said, 'I will not become a drunkard even for twenty-five dollars. Get from behind me, Satan.'

"On his way home he found a pocketbook containing a million dollars in gold. Then the young lady consented to marry him. They had a beautiful wedding, and the next day they had twins. Thus you see that Virtue has its own reward."

RULING Pa.s.sION

Noah Webster, the maker of the dictionary, carried his exact knowledge as to the meaning of words into ordinary speech. A story told of him--which is, of course, untrue--ill.u.s.trates the point.

Noah's wife entered the kitchen, to find him kissing the cook.