Jokes For All Occasions Part 59

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they couldn't talk."

"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by G.o.d, a.s.serts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"

"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of critter'."

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how G.o.d made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with n.o.body to talk to him. So G.o.d put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, G.o.d took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor

+ A. C.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."

_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"

_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom _must_ come to his wedding."

_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"

_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."