Jokes For All Occasions Part 61

_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"

_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."

_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."

_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"

_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."

_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"

TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR

"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."

"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"

"Well, usually in a sweater."

_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."

_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"

_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."

_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."

_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice instead of finis.h.i.+ng this--'cos I feel sick?"

THE NEW APPRECIATION

_Wife_ (_habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"

_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."

_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."

_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how did you get at this amount?"

_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."

_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."

_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"

_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"

_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions.

You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."

_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"

_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."