Jokes For All Occasions Part 70

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

SURE SIGNS

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

SUCH A WASTE

_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av.

'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

TOO ONE-SIDED

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

DISCRETION

_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."

_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."

BETTER UNSAID

_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."

_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

LETTING HIM KNOW

_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."

_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"

_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."

WHY, INDEED

_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"

_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?"

_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"

ONLY THEIR WAY

_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."

_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my _dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."

INADVERTENT

_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."

_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fas.h.i.+on."

MAKING SURE

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."

"I thought he had dozens of your photos."

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."

MORE DESPERATE STILL

_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."