Jokes For All Occasions Part 78

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

A GOOD ACTOR

_Neighbour:_ "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

_Farmer:_ "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

_Wife_ (_enthusiastically_): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford----

_Hubby_ (_resignedly_): When have they promised to deliver it?

REALISED

_Lawyer:_ "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."

_Client:_ "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."

NEVER MISS ONE

_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."

_Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them."

A BAD NIGHT

The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel--one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:

"Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"

TRIPPED

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them--everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.

"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.

"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"

"Ah! Miss Lis...o...b..," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"

"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.

"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said pa.s.sionately. "You are too good--too beautiful. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone."

"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the money--not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."

"Oh--er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"

THE GLOOMY GUEST

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.

"Er--have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.