Jokes For All Occasions Part 80

_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.

_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!

A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.

"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."

_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been reading your ma.n.u.script, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.

_Youthful Auth.o.r.ess_ (_wis.h.i.+ng to show herself most ready to accept advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?

FISHY RECORD

_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"

_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like h.e.l.l?" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed a Yank.

"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."

_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?

_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front----

_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----

_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.

"The doctor has ordered her to the seash.o.r.e. Now they're having a consultation."

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers."

"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."

"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

PERFECT AGREEMENT

_Mother:_ "Hus.h.!.+ You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"

_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."

_She:_ Jack is in love with you.

_Her:_ Nonsense!

_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.

_Her:_ How dared you!

_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on cla.s.s the definition of cynic_): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

_Senior:_ A professor!

A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"