Jokes For All Occasions Part 91

"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"

"I do," said the laird.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an'

that the empty yins stand up."

WITH A RESERVATION

"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, pa.s.sionately, "there is something I want to tell you--something that I----"

"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.

The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple.

"It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly.

"Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"

"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"

TOO SMART

A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively __5, __4, and __3 10_s._, and laid them in a row on the counter.

The c.h.i.n.k, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid __3 10_s._, and departed.

Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.

"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"

OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT

"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.

"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.

"What flowers are not popular?"

"Wall-flowers, ma'am."

NATIVE BORN

"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."

"Your head?"

"Yes, yer honour."

"Why don't you speak the English language?"

"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."

THE JONAH

"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."

"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."

THE SUBSt.i.tUTE

A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.

"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."

MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE

The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.

Quoth she to a younger friend:

"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."

"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.

"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"

"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."

GOOD OR BAD TURN?

"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"

"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."

"What does it say, then?"