The Ethical Slut Part 2

Most of us today live in communities of non-s.l.u.ts, with only occasional or limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups hold conferences and conventions to mitigate the isolation and expand their intimate circles. Other s.l.u.ts drop out of mainstream culture to some extent or another to live in communities composed of people whose s.e.xuality is like their own. San Francisco's Castro District is a good example of a modern urban "ghetto" for s.e.xual minorities.

A s.l.u.t living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the '90s can learn a great deal from studying other cultures, other places, and other times: you're not the only one in the world who has ever tried this, it can work, others have done it without harming themselves, their lovers, their kids- without, in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves.

Pioneering s.e.xual subcultures with extensive doc.u.mented and undoc.u.mented histories include communities of gay men and of lesbian women, transgender groups, bis.e.xuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some spiritually defined subcultures of pagans, modern primitives and radical faeries.

Even if you dont belong to any of these s.e.xually oriented communities, it's worth taking a look at them for what they can teach us about our own options as they develop ways of being s.e.xual, ways of communicating about being s.e.xual, and social and family structures that are alternative to s.e.x-negative traditions in America.

Dossie's favorite dance club in 1970 was a remarkable mini culture of polymorphous perversity. She remembers: The Omni, short for omni s.e.xual was a small North Beach bar whose patrons were men and women, straight, gay, lesbian, bis.e.xual and often transgendered. The s.e.xual values were very open, from hippie free-love freaks to s.e.x industry professionals, and most of us came there to dance like wild women and cruise like crazy. However, thanks to the large transgender faction, there was no way of pigeonholing the person you were cruising into your categories of desire. You might dance with someone you found very attractive, and not know if they were chromosomally male or female. It's difficult to get attached to preferences like lesbian or straight when you dont know the gender of the person you are flirting with. This may sound crazy, but the results were surprising: I patronized the Omni because it was the safest environment available to me. Because there was no way to make a.s.sumptions, people had to treat each other with respect. No one could a.s.sume what kind of interaction might interest the object of their attention, so there was nothing to do but ask. And if you were, as I was, a young woman in your twenties, to be approached with respect was a most welcome relief from straight social environments where it was customary for men to prove their manhood by coming on too strong, evidently in the belief that women who cruise in single bars have problems with virginal shyness and dont mean "no" when they say it. The Omni provided my first experiences with true respect.

Since we see some of the problems in attaining a free and open expression of our own individual s.e.xuality as having to do with living in a s.e.x-role-bound culture, we have found it useful to learn from people who have s.h.i.+fted the boundaries of what it means to be male or female, or to love someone male or female. Thinking about these different ways of living and loving can help us as we consider whether we want to change anything about how we go about living as men and women.

lesbian women In the lesbian community we get to look at what happens in a world consisting almost entirely of women. The first thing we can see is an intensification of the mainstream values that teach us that men focus their energy out into the world while women specialize in relations.h.i.+ps, families and emotional nurturance. The lesbian community tends to be relations.h.i.+p-centered, and has both weaknesses and strengths in the way that women find their primary relations.h.i.+p to be the most important thing in their lives. For women, relations.h.i.+p can get confused with their sense of ident.i.ty, especially since our culture in its most traditional form hardly allows women any sense of ident.i.ty at all.

Dossie had a psychiatrist, admittedly some years ago, who advised her that she would not be happy and mentally healthy until she gave up her artistic and intellectual pursuits and (an exact quote) "submerged her ident.i.ty in a relations.h.i.+p " Submerge ident.i.ty- sounds like psychological suicide, right? But many women today act as if they would lose their entire sense of themselves if they lose their relations.h.i.+p, so the most common relations.h.i.+p sequence, as we see it magnified in the lesbian community, is the form of nonmonogamy known as serial monogamy. Often the connection to the partner of the future precedes the breakup with the partner of the past, with accompanying drama that presumably feels safer than the vast empty unknown terrifying ident.i.ty void of being a woman living as a single human being.

Younger lesbians are questioning these traditions, and one of the ways they are questioning is in investigating nonmonogamy as a way to form less insular relations.h.i.+ps. Lesbian free love is characterized by a lot of serious thoughtfulness and attention to con sensuality and thus to tremendous openness about processing feelings, an area in which the women's community excels.

Another thing we have learned from our sisters is new ways of dealing with developing a woman's role as s.e.xual initiator In heteros.e.xual culture, men have been a.s.signed the "job" of initiator, and men are trained to be s.e.xually aggressive, sometimes to a fault In the world of women who relate s.e.xually to other women, it rapidly becomes apparent that if we all see ourselves as Sleeping Beauties waiting for Princess Charming to come along and wake us up, we also might get to wait a hundred years Or else we need to learn to do something new -to meet the eye, touch the shoulder, move in a little too close, or just plain blurt out "I think you're really attractive and I would like to leap into bed with you right now or at any other mutually agreeable time."

Women's style of coming on- when shyness doesn't get in the way tends to be forthright, with respect for consent, and is unlikely to be intrusive or pushy, as many women have had a little too much experience with being violated to want to go down that road Women have strong concerns about safety, and so tend to move slowly, announce their intentions and be very careful about con sensuality They may be shy in the seductive stages, and bolder once welcome has been secured. Women tend to want explicit permission, and for each specific act, so their communication could serve as an excellent role model for negotiated consensuality.

We would like to draw your attention to another difference about s.e.x between women that we all can learn from. A s.e.xual encounter between two women rarely involves the expectation of simultaneous o.r.g.a.s.m, as many people believe p.e.n.i.s-v.a.g.i.n.a intercourse should, so women have become experts at taking turns. Lesbians are also the world cla.s.s experts on sensuality and outer course those wonderful forms of s.e.xuality that do not rely on penile penetration When penetration is desired, the focus is on what works for the recipient: we have yet to meet a d.i.l.d.o that got hung up on its own needs. For those of you, female or male, who haven't considered these options, think of all the fun you could have with never a worry about pregnancy and s.e.xually transmitted diseases1 gay men The gay male community in its own way reflects some of the traditional images of male s.e.xuality in intensified form. While some gay men are more interested in long-term relations.h.i.+ps and settling down, other gay men have set records as world-cla.s.s s.l.u.ts. The gay baths are the ultimate role model of friendly group s.e.x environments, and easy s.e.xual connection for its own sake.

Dossie learned her group s.e.x etiquette from gay men, and is glad she did. We both, in fact, have always identified strongly with gay men: Dossie sees herself as a drag queen trapped in a woman's body, and Catherine got her earliest sense of her own s.e.xual possibilities when she learned about gay male communities. This may not really be too surprising, since the gay male community has always modeled s.l.u.ttery for the rest of us to admire and, perhaps, emulate.

Gay men do not generally try to get consent from each other by manipulation and pressuring: connection is mostly commonly made by a gentle approach, meeting a gentle response, and no need to ask three times. Gay men give each other a lot of credit for being able to say no, and for meaning it when they say it. This makes coming on very simple, since you are never trying to sneak up on anybody and you are not required to be subtle. It is always okay to ask as long as it is okay for the other person to say no. This straightforward and admirably simple approach to con sensuality cannot be recommended too highly.

Men in general have had less reason to fear s.e.xual violation than their sisters. (Although it is true, and terrible, that boys do get molested and men do get raped, we think that perhaps men have more confidence than women in their power to protect themselves.) Men also tend to get a lot of cultural support for being s.e.xual. So although the forbidden ness of h.o.m.os.e.xuality may give many gay men a lot of questions about being okay, or having something wrong with them, or other forms of internalized h.o.m.ophobia, this is most often not reflected in s.e.xual dysfunction. Gay men as a group are really good at exploring, and finding out what feels good to them.

And it is gay men who have established most of our understanding of safer s.e.x. In the face of the AIDS epidemic, where many people might have retreated into s.e.x-negativism, the gay community is to be commended for continuing to celebrate a newly liberated s.e.xuality, with due respect for safety.

transgender Transgendered people form a variety of communities, all of which are of interest to anyone who is interested in transcending their gender-role programming. Dossie, in the early years of her feminism, found friends among male-to-female transs.e.xuals who were wonderful role models for how to be female, indeed often ultra-feminine, and still be a.s.sertive and powerful.

What we can all learn from transgendered people is that gender is malleable. We learn about how some behaviors and emotional states may be hormone-related from people who take hormones to express male or female gender. People who have lived parts of their lives in both gender modes, physiologically and culturally, have a great deal to teach us about what changes according to hormones, and what does not, and what gender characteristics remain a matter of choice no matter what your endocrine system says.

Transs.e.xuals can also tell us a lot about how differently other people treat you when they see you as a man, or as a woman. Perforce, transgendered people become experts at living in a very hostile world.

No other s.e.xual minority is more likely to suffer direct physical oppression in the form of queer bas.h.i.+ng. It takes a strong minded person to stand up to our culture's rigidity about "real men" and "real women." It was mostly transgendered people, butch women and drag queens, who rebelled against police brutality in the famous Stonewall riots of 1969 that initiated the Gay Liberation movement. Transgendered people can teach us a lot about the determination to be free.

Bis.e.xUALS Often stigmatized as "gays unwilling to relinquish heteros.e.xual privilege" or "he's taking a walk on the wild side," bis.e.xuals have recently begun developing their own forceful voice and their own communities.

Looking at the theory and practice of bis.e.xual lifestyles may enable us to explore our a.s.sumptions about the nature of s.e.xual and romantic attractions and behaviors. Some folks have had s.e.x only with members of one gender, but know that they have within themselves the ability to connect erotically or emotionally with both genders, and thus consider themselves bis.e.xual while others may be actively having s.e.x with the gender opposite their usual choice, and still consider themselves heteros.e.xual or gay. Some bis.e.xuals prefer one type of interaction with men and another with women, while others consider themselves "gender-blind." Some can be s.e.xual with either s.e.x but romantic with only one, or vice versa. And so on, through all the spectrums of bis.e.xual attractions and choices.

Catherine's path toward her current ident.i.ty as a bis.e.xual has been a confusing one: it was nearly a decade after she began having s.e.x with women before she began to feel comfortable using the term to describe herself.

I felt turned off by the trendiness of "bis.e.xual chic," and under some pressure to claim an ident.i.ty that didn't feel right to me. And at the same time, I was hearing some genuinely cruel judgments from both heteros.e.xuals and h.o.m.os.e.xuals about his, and that anger was scary to encounter.

Add to that the difficulty I was having sorting out my own feelings- I knew my feelings toward women were different than those toward men, and I wasn't sure what that meant- and things just got very confusing. As a result, it wasn't until I knew for sure that I was capable of having both s.e.xual and romantic feelings toward both men and women- and until I felt strong enough to claim the ident.i.ty in the face of all those negative judgments -that I finally began calling myself "bis.e.xual."

The increasing visibility of bis.e.xuality has led to some challenges to traditional definitions of s.e.xual ident.i.ty. Specifically, we are having to look at the fact that our s.e.xual attractions may say one thing about us, while our s.e.xual behaviors say another, and our s.e.xual ident.i.ty says yet a third. Questions like these are eating away at some of the traditional boundaries we place around s.e.xual ident.i.ty much to the dismay of purists of all orientations. Your authors, s.l.u.ts that we are, enjoy this kind of fluidity, and appreciate the opportunity to play as we like with whomever looks good to us without relinquis.h.i.+ng our fundamental s.e.xual ident.i.ties.

swingers In bygone decades, non monogamous heteros.e.xual interactions got called "wife-swapping" -- a term with a built-in s.e.xist bias which we find offensive. Today, heteros.e.xuals seeking no-strings s.e.x outside a primary relations.h.i.+p often seek out the swing community. These groups are well worth looking at for what they have to teach us about how heteros.e.xual men and women can interact outside the confines of the "shoulds" of mainstream, monogamous culture.

Swinging is a broad term that gets used to define a wide variety of interactions, ranging from long-term two-couple s.e.xual pairings through the wildest of Sat.u.r.day-night puppy-pile orgies. Swingers are primarily heteros.e.xual: female bis.e.xuality is relatively common in some swing groups, while male bis.e.xuality is rare and frowned upon in most.

They are most often coupled, and are often more mainstream in their politics, lifestyles and personal values than other kinds of s.l.u.ts.

Some swing communities confine themselves explicitly to s.e.xual interactions and discourage emotional connections outside primary couples, while others encourage all forms of romantic and s.e.xual partnering.

Swinging has offered many a heteros.e.xual woman her first opportunity to explore greedy and guilt-free s.e.xuality- in fact, we often hear of women who attend their first swing party very reluctantly, their second one hesitantly, and their subsequent ones avidly. We also like the sophistication with which many swing communities have evolved patterns of symbols and behavior to communicate s.e.xual interest without intrusiveness (one local swing club has a fascinating code of opening doors and windows to communicate, variously, "Keep away," "Look but dont touch," or "Come on in and join us").

s.e.x WORKERS.

How about if we stop stereotyping s.e.x workers? They're really not all desperate drug addicts, debased women, or whatever you might have learned about them on TV or in the tabloids. Many of our dearest friends work in the s.e.x industry, doing essential and positive work healing the wounds inflicted by our s.e.x-negative culture. These men and women have a great deal to teach us about boundaries, limit-setting, communication, s.e.xual negotiation, and ways to achieve growth, connection and fulfillment outside a traditional monogamous relations.h.i.+p. Do not imagine that connections between s.e.x workers and clients are necessarily cold, impersonal, or degrading, or that only losers frequent prost.i.tutes. We know of client prost.i.tute relations.h.i.+ps that have been a source of tremendous connection, warmth and affection for both parties, and that have lasted many years.

Pract.i.tioners of "the world's oldest profession" offer all of us the wisdom of the ages about understanding, accepting and fulfilling our desires: these are the real s.e.x experts.

sacred s.l.u.ts Finally a word about s.e.xually explorative lifestyles in spiritual communities. Celibacy is not the only s.e.xual practice of the spiritually inclined. Early examples of religious communities based on nonmonogamy included the Mormon church, the Oneida community, the practice of maithuna and karezza in Tantric Yoga, and the temple wh.o.r.es of the early Meditaerranean G.o.ddess wors.h.i.+pers. Current s.e.xually active spiritual communities include some pagan groups and radical faeries, who come together for festivals and gatherings, and celebrate ancient s.e.xual rites such as Beltane, or make up their own that are appropriate to current lifestyles, like the open s.e.xuality of Faery gatherings, or the underlying eroticism of ritual.

These pract.i.tioners understand that s.e.x is connected to the spiritual.

We have said before that s.e.x is spiritual. "Every o.r.g.a.s.m is a spiritual experience. Think of a moment of perfect wholeness, of yourself in perfect unity, of expanded awareness that transcends the split between mind and body and integrates all the parts of you in ecstatic consciousness.... When you bring spiritual awareness to your s.e.xual practice, you can become directly conscious of- connected to that divinity that always flows through you.... For us, s.e.x is already an opportunity to see G.o.d."5 What Can You Learn?

If thinking about all this makes you kind of nervous, we are not surprised. What you are being exposed to is how threatened you feel when limits are very different from what you are used to those customary boundaries we take for granted and believe apply to all social and s.e.xual situations. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction among consenting adults, and the limits of s.e.xual exploration are not handed down on stone tablets by some higher authority.

When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success without buying into the world's standards of lifetime heteros.e.xual monogamous pair-bonding, you begin to see how such things can be possible for you too even if these people aren't doing it the same way you want to. Recognizing other s.e.xual cultures offers an opportunity to become aware of where your own b.u.t.tons are, especially when you think about keeping them b.u.t.toned up around a lot of people whose s.e.xuality may be different from yours. Listen to your fears: they have a lot to teach you about yourself.

Think of Dossie's old dance club. The Omni. Not knowing what's what can feel scary- but think of it as a chance to sc.r.a.p all your preconceptions and start from scratch. It's only by recognizing all the possibilities out there that you can truly choose the ones that work for you. Then you can be free to figure where you want the boundaries to be in your life, what your personal limits are, and if you ever want to expand them.

This is a great opportunity as well as a serious responsibility. Once you have established your own limits, you are free to explore beyond your wildest dreams.

CHAPTER 6.

s.l.u.t SKILLS.

Great s.l.u.ts are made, not born. The skills you need to keep yourself and your partners happy and growing can be developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. There are certain thought processes you can try, and skills you can learn, that will help start your adventure on the right foot and keep it on track.

Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea- and for we who are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of the internal landscape becomes essential. Here's an interesting question to ask yourself: What do you expect from this way of living your life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of s.h.i.+fting relations.h.i.+ps?

Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like s.e.xual variety, less dependence on a single relations.h.i.+p, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers and partners. Some of the people we interviewed said things like this: I get relief from pressure- I dont have to fulfill every single thing my partner needs or wants, which means I dont have to try to be somebody I'm not."

"People have different ways of knowing and understanding things, so intimacy with various people expands my appreciation of the universe."

"I can have hot erotic experiences without genital s.e.x, and without compromising my emotional monogamy."

"My lifestyle gives me personal freedom, independence and responsibility in a way that being an exclusive couple does not."

"I dont believe that the human male is designed to be monogamous.

Monogamy goes against my instincts." "I never feel that the gra.s.s might be greener on the other side of the fence- I've been there."

"Outside partners are an infusion of s.e.xual juice into my primary relations.h.i.+p."

As you read this book, particularly some of our interviews with successful s.l.u.ts, you may discover special benefits for you. What are your reasons for choosing this path?

Alas, many people begin to explore open relations.h.i.+ps because their partner is pus.h.i.+ng them into it, or because all their friends are doing it and they dont want to seem prudish. We ask that you get clear within yourself that you're doing this for you- because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road... and if you're navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relations.h.i.+ps you set out to save.

s.e.xual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with the joyous feeling of abundant s.e.x and love as the carrot, and the fear of deprivation, boredom or self-loathing as the stick. Since we dont believe that the urge toward monogamy is innate, we think you must have learned your negative s.e.xual feelings and your insecurities somewhere from your parents, from your past lovers, from our culture- and, thus, you can unlearn them. Becoming aware of those feelings, and changing your reactions to them, can be difficult... but what a feeling of power and triumph when you succeed!

Earning Your s.l.u.t Merit Badge The people we know who succeed at ethical s.l.u.tdom usually have a set of skills that help them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of unnecessary pain. Here are some of the ones we've noticed.

communication Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, are critical skills.

A good technique for listening is to hear what your partner has to say, and let him know you heard by telling him what you think he just said.

Use this clarification technique before you respond with your own thoughts and feelings. In this way, you make sure you have clear understanding before you go on with your discussion. Similarly, if you're the one talking, it's not fair to expect your partner to read your mind- take the time and effort to be as clear and thorough in your explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions you're feeling as well as the facts involved.

If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult education facilities offer communication cla.s.ses of various kinds, and you can check the Resource Guide for further reading.

emotional honesty Being able to ask for and receive rea.s.surance and support is extremely important. Catherine's partner occasionally requests, when she is off to a joyously antic.i.p.ated date with one of her other lovers, "Just tell me I dont have anything to worry about." It feels very good to know that he's willing to ask for rea.s.surance when he needs it, and that he trusts her to tell the truth about her feelings. If you imagine what would happen if he were feeling insecure and didn't ask for rea.s.surance (grumble, chew fingernails, lie awake thinking bad thoughts, etc."

etc.), you can see why it's so important to get your needs met up front.

We have all been afraid to ask, we have all failed to ask, we have all been irked with our lovers when they didn't read our minds, we have all thought "I shouldn't have to ask." So let's honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings- let's pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then let's do them some more.

affection Similarly, it's vital to be able to give rea.s.surance and support- both in response to a request, and on your own. If you can't tell your lover that you love him, or give him a heartfelt compliment, or tell him what you think is so wonderful about him, it may be optimistic to a.s.sume that he'll be able to remain secure enough to accommodate your other relations.h.i.+ps. Our friend Carol notes, "If you're already starved for attention, no wonder an open relations.h.i.+p feels like a problem!" We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere flattery, little "love ya" gifts, and whatever else helps both of you feel secure and connected.

faithfulness This may seem like an odd word to read in this context- but even the most outrageous of s.l.u.ts can be, in the words of Cole Porter, "always true to you, darling', in my fas.h.i.+on." Our friend Richard says, "A lot of people describe having s.e.x with only one person as 'being faithful."

It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have s.e.x with." Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.

If you have a primary relations.h.i.+p, it can be very important to reinforce its primary-ness. Many people in primary relations.h.i.+ps have certain activities that they keep only for their partners- particular s.e.xual behaviors, sleep-overs, terms of affection or whatever. The same may also be true of other, non-primary relations.h.i.+ps. Without the security blanket of monogamy, it becomes very important to help your partner feel more secure by demonstrating how much you care for he rand if this means that once in a while you choose to miss your favorite TV show, or even give up a hot date, because she's sick, or having a life crisis, or just feeling lonely and blue, we think that is well worth doing.

limit-setting To be a happy s.l.u.t, you need to know how- and when- to say "no."

Having a clear sense of your own limits, and respecting those limits, can keep you feeling good about yourself and prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be about s.e.xual behaviors: Would you have s.e.x with a gender other than the one you usually do? Would you try a kind of s.e.x you think is kinky? Some limits might be about relations.h.i.+p styles, such as frequency of contact or intensity of connection. We also encourage you to think about ethical dilemmas and how you'd react to them. Would you, for example, be a lover to a coupled individual whose partner didn't know about your involvement?

Would you lie to a lover? Fake an o.r.g.a.s.m?

And then there's the most important limit of all: "I dont want to."

"No, thank you." "I dont feel like s.e.x right now." Even if it's your birthday. Even if you're supposed to want to. Even if you haven't for a long time. Just because it's true.

planning Successful s.l.u.ts know that relations.h.i.+ps dont just happen- they take work, planning, and commitment. Few of us have so much time on our hands that we can simply have conversations, s.e.x, recreation, family time, or even fights whenever we feel like it- mundane reality has a way of getting in the way of such important stuff. And yes, we do think fighting is important and necessary- we'll talk more about the hows and whys in the chapter on "Conflict" in Part II. If scheduling a fight seems a little bit absurd, just imagine the results of letting the tension build for several days because you haven't made time to argue.

Get yourself an appointment calendar, and use it (Catherine used to schedule s.e.x with her husband, whose name began with F, with the cryptic note "F.F.", just in case a co-worker should glance into her Day Runner). And once you've made the commitment to spend time together doing any of these things, keep it- we know you're busy, but postponing important relations.h.i.+p work to attend to business does not speak well of the significance you give your relations.h.i.+ps, does it?

KNOW YOURSELF.

And know your programming. As we have said before, we are all carrying around a lot of garbage in our minds about s.e.x and gender. No one can grow up in our culture and escape picking up puritanical and inaccurate ideas about s.e.x. Some of these beliefs are buried so deep they can drive our behavior unconsciously, without our knowing it, and cause a great deal of pain and confusion to ourselves and the people we love.

All too often, in the name of these beliefs, we oppress other people, and ourselves.

These deeply held beliefs are the roots of s.e.xism and s.e.x negativism and to be a radical s.l.u.t you are going to have to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self exploration to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, most of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This is hard work, but well worth it because this is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.

OWN YOUR FEELINGS.

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns her own feelings. No one "makes" me feel jealous, or insecure- the person who makes me feel that way is me. This belief is not as easy as it sounds. When I feel rotten, it can be hard to accept the responsibility for how I feel: wouldn't this be easier if it were your fault? Then maybe you could fix it, and if you can't, well then maybe I can go ballistic and vent a little steam, burning you up in the process.

The problem is that when I blame you for how I feel, I disempower myself to accept myself and work toward feeling better. If this is your fault, you must be in control, right? So I can't do anything but sit here and moan.

On the other hand, when I own my feelings, I have lots of choices, I can tell you how I feel, I can choose whether or not I want to act on these feelings (no more "the devil made me do it!"), I can learn how to understand myself better, I can comfort myself, or ask you to comfort me. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where I end and you begin, and the perfect first step toward self acceptance and self-love.

Dos and dont's of ethical s.l.u.ttery DO ARRANGE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION WITHOUT DEPRIVING YOUR PARTNER OF.

THE CAR.

DON'T get your lover's pubic hairs in the albolene.

DON'T f.u.c.k LOUDLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY WITHIN YOUR LOVER'S HEARING.

DON'T WANDER OFF WITH YOUR LOVER, LEAVING YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE.

CONVERSATION WITH YOUR LOVER'S SPOUSE.

DO REFRAIN FROM f.u.c.kING THE GUESTS UNTIL YOUR LOVER IS FINISHED.

COOKING.

AND SERVING DINNER.

DON'T TELL YOUR LOVER MORE THAN YOUR LOVER WANTS TO KNOW.

DON'T REGARD "IT WAS SUCH A GOOD f.u.c.k" AS AN ADEQUATE EXCUSE FOR.

COMING.

HOME LATE WITHOUT CALLING.

DON'T EXPECT NECESSARILY TO LIKE YOUR PARTNER'S LOVERS.

DON'T EXPECT THY PARTNER TO BE INTENSELY h.o.r.n.y FOR YOU RIGHT AFTER.