The Ethical Slut Part 8

How do you know when you need an agreement? You can tell by listening to your emotions. If something comes up that leaves you feeling icky or angry or unheard or whatever, that's an area in which you and your partner may need to discuss making an agreement. We suggest that you let go right now of the idea that you can predict every single situation that might come up in your relations.h.i.+p and make a rule to cover it just forget it. Many perfectly good agreements get made by 20-20 hindsight: a problem comes up, and instead of arguing over whose fault it was, the couple simply makes an agreement to try to prevent that problem from coming up again.

Our friends Laurie and Chris have become extraordinarily flexible agreement-makers through practicing a lot: We met at the Renaissance Fairs and made a pretty deep connection right away. Although we didn't feel ready to jump into marriage right off, we did get hand fasted (an ancient Celtic rite of romantic commitment) about five months after we met. Our hand fasting included an agreement that if we still wanted to be together a year and a day later, we'd get married. And we did.

When we first decided to get hand fasted Chris proposed an agreement in which we'd be free to be s.e.xual with other people during Faire, but at no other time. Laurie felt shocked by his desire to do this, and insecure about what might happen. So we decided to postpone a decision until the next summer's Faire, after we'd gotten married. During the first year of our marriage, the agreement was for Faire only, and then after that we extended it to the weekend preparatory workshops as well as to Faire itself. At one of these, Laurie met a guy with whom she got fairly seriously involved- it was our first ongoing relations.h.i.+p outside the marriage. At that point things opened up all the way to where Laurie was spending a lot other time with her other lover, and Chris didn't like it much; he felt that he wasn't getting enough time with Laurie.

So we renegotiated. We decided that either of us could sleep over with another partner twice a month. We felt that twice a month was often enough for fun, but not so often that it would accommodate a threateningly strong bond with someone else. That's been working pretty well for a while, although we've compromised on a case-by case basis a time or two.

We're still working out the bugs- among other things, we're hoping to become parents pretty soon, and we're not sure how a baby will affect our relations.h.i.+p. But our agreements have always been at least tolerable, and at times they've offered a relief valve that's kept us from fleeing the relations.h.i.+p in terror!

consent So what const.i.tutes a good agreement? In our opinion, the single most important hallmark of agreement is consent, which we define as "an active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of all concerned."

In the case of polyamory, this consent often includes that of people not directly involved- primary partners, children and other parties whose lives are affected by your agreements.

Defining consent can sometimes be tricky. If someone consents under pressure, we dont think that meets the "active collaboration"

criterion. And you can't consent to something you dont know about: "Well, you didn't say I couldn't fly to Boise for two weeks with this flight attendant I just met" does not const.i.tute consent.

In order to achieve this kind of active consent, it is critical that everyone involved accept responsibility for knowing their own feelings and communicating them. This isn't always easy. Sometimes feelings dont want to be pulled to the surface and examined- you may simply know that you feel bad. Give yourself the time and support you need to manifest that feeling, perhaps using some of the strategies we discussed in the "Jealousy" chapter. If you feel like you need help in defining what's going on for you, it's OK to ask for that help: physical or verbal rea.s.surance often make a huge difference, and sometimes a wise friend or therapist can ask the right questions to help you untangle a complicated feeling. Once you start listening to your own feelings, you'll have a much easier time getting your needs and desires out there where everybody can hear them and make agreements to help meet them.

Most of us need some support in asking for what we want. When we are involved in making agreements, we need to feel safe that the needs we reveal will not be held against us. Most of us feel pretty vulnerable in and around our emotional limits, but it's important to recognize that these limits are valid, too: "I need to feel loved," "I need to feel that I'm important to you," "I need to know that you find me attractive," "I need you to listen and care about me when I feel hurt."

Blaming, manipulation, bullying and moral condemnation do not belong in the agreement-making process. The process of making a good agreement must include a commitment from all concerned to listen to one another's concerns and feelings in an open and unprejudiced way. If you are waiting for your partner to reveal a weakness so that you can exploit it into ammunition to "win" your argument, you are not ready to do a satisfactory agreement.

Legalistic hair-splitting is another enemy of good agreements. We know one couple whose agreement was that either of them would let the other one know within twenty-four hours if they were going to have s.e.x with someone else. One of them called the other one from another city to let her know that he'd had s.e.x with someone else the night before. "But you said you'd give me twenty-four hours' notice!" she cried angrily.

"I never said twenty-four hours before," he pointed out. This "loophole-finding" legalistic behavior left neither individual feeling that their agreement had worked for them. The moral: be clear, be specific, and above all negotiate in good faith. This is not about cheating any more.

Agreements need to be realistic, something that you really can keep. It is unrealistic to ask your partner to never enter into a s.e.xual interaction with a person that they care about "too much." There is no way to define "too much," and few of us conceive of our polyamorous Utopia as a world in which you are only allowed to share s.e.x with people you dont care about at all. None of us can truthfully agree to feel only this way or that way: our agreements need to have room in them for real emotions, whatever they may be.

Agreements do not have to be equal. People are different and unique, and what pushes my b.u.t.tons might be perfectly okay with you. So one person might find it very important that his partner not stay out overnight, whereas said partner might actually enjoy an occasional opportunity to watch the late movie by himself and eat crackers in bed.

One friend of ours says, Bill and I have very different needs when it comes to relations.h.i.+ps. I feel no need to be monogamous; I'm quite comfortable having s.e.x with people I like, but they're not affairs of the heart- whereas his s.e.xual connections are either very casual like at parties, or very deep and long-term. We've formed agreements that meet both of our needs- mine for friendly partners and f.u.c.k buddies, his for long-term secondary relations.h.i.+ps. So fairness does not mean equity. Fairness means we care about how each person feels, and make agreements to help all of us feel as good as possible.

When thinking about agreements for an open relations.h.i.+p, most people start out by listing what their partner can and cannot do: dont kiss her on the mouth, dont ever treat him better than you do me. Some "thou shalt nots" are necessary: agreements need to be made, for example, about s.e.xual connections with relatives, neighbors and coworkers, and I really care a lot that you refrain from seducing my boss. And my therapist, too. But many negative agreements are really about protecting your partner from feeling hurt or jealous. The best agreements to protect your partner from emotional pain are positive: let's have a special date next weekend, I will find time to listen to you when you hurt, I'll tell you how much I love you again and again.

Thinking up agreements that will help both partners feel emotionally safe can be confusing, since in the process of unlearning jealousy we will all at some time be asking our partners to agree to take some risk, to feel some painful feelings, to fall down a few times in order to learn how to ride the emotional bicycle of truly free love. And we all need a sense of emotional safety to succeed at feeling secure in open relations.h.i.+ps.

One way you can make agreements to respect emotional limits is to ask for whatever seems like it might make you feel a little bit safer -rea.s.surance, compliments, affection, a special ritual for homecoming after a date and then when that works and you feel a little safer, take another step toward even more safety, and soon you will feel safe enough to expand your explorations further and further. Each tiny step in the direction of freedom will eventually get you there. One of the things that works about rea.s.surance is that once we understand that our partner, or partners, or maybe even also their partners, are willing to help us with our feelings, we feel more secure and need less and less protection as we go along.

The single most important thing to remember about agreement making is that the purpose of an agreement is to find a way in which everybody can win.

SOME AGREEMENTS.

We've done some asking around among our friends and colleagues to find out what kinds of relations.h.i.+p agreements have worked for others.

Here's a partial list of agreements we've heard from some very successful s.l.u.ts. Notice as you read it how many different kinds of agreements it contains- some are s.e.xual, some are relations.h.i.+p-oriented; some "thou shalts" and some "thou shalt nots"; some are logistical and some sentimental. Just so you know that we're not recommending any of these, you should also note that some are mutually exclusive. We're presenting this list as a discussion-opener, not as how it ought to be.

everybody has to make some agreements about s.e.xual health call n.o.body else by a particular pet name everybody will work together to find a good place for the non involved partner to be no sleep overs (always spend night together except while traveling) I'll watch everyone's kids this weekend, you do it next weekend you dont get to use our car for dates with your other lover no intercourse with other partners no genital contact with other partners no a.n.a.l contact with other partners no kissing with other partners veto power over potential other partners advance notice of potential other partners previous discussion required dont tell me about other partners tell me everything you did with other partners other partners must be same-s.e.x opposite-s.e.x everybody meets everybody- no strangers group s.e.x only anonymous s.e.x only committed s.e.x only must check in to confirm safety after get-together with new partner everybody chips in for the babysitter Friday nights only Sat.u.r.day nights are for us be sure to save some hot s.e.xual energy for me not in our bed no surprises lover will not contact other lover without mutual lover's knowledge if non-involved lover feels lonely or left out, he will ask to partic.i.p.ate not in our house limits on phone calls, "Net time, etc.

establish quality time, time to fight, time to discuss, dates, etc.

only at parties we'll set our next date before we have one with someone else agreements about who can talk about what to whom not during time we would otherwise be spending together dont take off the ring I gave you little gifts and cards help limits about partner choice neighborhood school? work?

relatives? close friends? total strangers? partner's doctor, lawyer, therapist?

only in my presence we'll spend an hour cuddling and reconnecting afterwards predictability Our experience is that most people need some kind of predictability to deal with the stresses of open relations.h.i.+ps. Most of us can handle a nervous-making situation much better if we know when it is going to happen, and when it is going to be over. We can plan to do something supportive with a friend, go to a movie, visit Mom, whatever- and tell ourselves that we only have to handle things for this chunk of time, and then our sweetie will come back and maybe we can plan a celebratory reunion.

Most people have a harder time dealing with surprises, which can feel like land mines exploding. Very few of us would be comfortable living with the possibility that our partner might go home with someone else at any time, from any party we go to, from the restaurant where we thought we were just going for a cup of coffee no place, no time would be secure.

If you feel that planning takes too much of the spontaneity out of your life, then think about declaring one weekend a month to be open season, or one Sat.u.r.day night, or whatever- then you can make a decision whether to join your partner in cruising or sit this one out in a quieter milieu. An agreement to be unpredictable at some specified time is, after all, predictable.

what if there is no agreement?

There are probably a lot of things in your life on which you feel no need to reach agreement. Most people dont feel the need to agree on whether to wear red or blue, or whether to eat crunchy or smooth peanut b.u.t.ter. However, lack of agreement can feel less comfortable in the close-to the-bone field of s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps.

Still, sometimes, you simply need to agree not to agree. Between the "yes" of full agreement and the "no" of full disagreement is a whole big gray area of no-agreement-yet, or tolerable-disagreement, or even who-cares? Sometimes you will eventually find it possible to make an agreement, and other times you won't. But you've been getting along fine without agreement so far, and there's a pretty good chance you can go on that way almost indefinitely.

Occasionally, however, you might hit an area in which agreement is both necessary and impossible. For many people, the whole issue of non-monogamy may be one of these; childbearing is another frequent "deal-breaker." We suggest compromise-seeking (possibly with the help of a qualified therapist) and flexibility. But if agreement simply cannot be reached, we think the skills you learned in trying to reach agreement the non-blaming, non-judging and non-manipulating can also stand you in very good stead as you agree to change or even end whatever relations.h.i.+p you're in. Sometimes, when you agree to end that relations.h.i.+p, you may find that you can agree on a new kind of relations.h.i.+p- some of our best friends (and hottest lovers) are our exes.

getting to "yes"

(Yes, we stole this phrase from somebody else.) So how do you find an agreement that will work for everybody? A good place to start is by defining your goals. A goal is not the same as an agreement; your goal is what you're trying to accomplish, your agreement is the means you're using to try to get there. So, for example, if your goal is to prevent anyone from feeling taken advantage of, your agreements might have to do with ensuring that n.o.body's personal time, s.p.a.ce or belongings are being infringed on.

Often, you discover a goal by tripping over a problem: "Last night, when you and Sam were in our bedroom together, my feet were freezing and I couldn't get in there to get my bedroom slippers." The goal is to prevent this problem from coming up again- what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal? Answering these questions will require an honest (and often difficult) look at what the real problem is: is it that your feet are cold, or that you resent being kicked out of your own bedroom, or that you're feeling jealous and left out?

Once you've defined your problem and your goal, it's time to start figuring out a good agreement. It might be appropriate to do a "trial"

agreement to put a time limitation on your newborn agreement to see how it feels to everybody concerned. After the time is up, whether that's a week or a year, you can sit down again to discuss what worked, what didn't, and whether to continue your agreement or revise it or sc.r.a.p it.

In our experience, it's rare for an agreement to last a lifetime without change: human beings change, and so do agreements. The way you can tell that your agreement needs to change is when someone doesn't agree to it any more. Catherine and her partner, for example, began their relations.h.i.+p with an agreement that they could be s.e.xual with other people, but that they couldn't fall in love with anyone else.

Then one of them did. (In hindsight, this seems like a fairly silly agreement as though you could simply decide not to fall in love!) She remembers.

There was a period in which we were having check ins one or two times a day. This was a situation neither of us had ever planned on. We found it was very important to stay in the moment, and to stay with tangible things- yes, it feels OK if she sleeps over while I'm out of town; no, it doesn't feel right for you to bring the two of us to the same party.

We found, during that experience as well as a similar one more recently, that the words "in love with" were kind of a trap, and made us both feel kind of panicky- that agreements that dwell on measurable factors such as time, behavior and s.p.a.ce work better for us.

Expect to spend some time working out your agreements. Expect to hear things from your lovers) that you didn't expect; expect to hear things from yourself that are also surprising. A gay couple we know started negotiating for opening their relations.h.i.+p, and discovered a big difference in their expectations of how that openness would work. One man's image of nonmonogamy was that outside involvements would be limited to one-night stands with strangers, while the other man envisioned a friendly circle of f.u.c.k buddies. This couple is currently enjoying monogamy while they discuss their way onto some more common ground.

Expect to try out some agreements and find out that they dont work, and expect to need to change them. You will get better at this process with practice, and in time you will know your own and your partners'

needs so well that negotiating agreements will be easy. But in the beginning, while you are learning, tidiness won't count anywhere near as much as tolerance.

When you first set out, some of these discussions may get quite heated: remember, anger is an emotion that tells you what is important to you.

What is constructive about these difficult times is what you learn about your partners and about yourself. Don't get discouraged- all the successful s.l.u.ts you see who seem so carefree have fought over their agreements. You too can work your way through this tangled web of a.s.sumptions and emotions, and learn to love with openness and freedom.

PART III

s.l.u.tS IN THE WORLD.

CHAPTER 1. A s.l.u.t'S-EYE VIEW.

From the s.l.u.t's point of view, the world is sometimes a dangerous place. Lots of people seem to think it is okay to go to any lengths to stop us from being s.e.xual. Some anti-s.e.x crusaders try to make loving dangerous for women by outlawing birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley medical care. Others would outlaw access to s.e.x information, in schools or on the Internet, so that our children cannot learn to care for their health and well-being, and have no access to safer s.e.x training that would teach them how to avoid spreading AIDS. Some people purporting to have the word from G.o.d preach on the public airwaves that AIDS is a just punishment for any s.e.xuality that deviates from what these self-proclaimed G.o.dly folk believe is normal. We find this truly obscene.

There are places where some people believe that being a s.l.u.t makes you fair game for violence. Why were you walking down that street at night in a short dress, or tight pants? No wonder you got raped, or a.s.saulted. Must be the victim's fault. And you look so queer no wonder that gang decided to beat you up.

We are also considered fair game for other forms of oppression.

Multiple s.e.xual partners can be seen as a good excuse to take all of your property, your children and your future income in a punitive divorce settlement. And dont forget to keep your social life a secret on the job.

You could lose your job, or your promise for advancement, or your professional reputation, if you share your personal life with the wrong person.

judging ourselves We hope this examination of the dangers of s.l.u.ttery will lead you to ask yourself some questions. What is my experience of oppression and how does it affect me? Who do I have to lie to in my life? How does this affect me? What are my closets? And as you look deeper, you might ask yourself: what a.s.sumptions have I made about how my s.e.xuality should be? Do I have judgments about what "good" and "nice" people do that I wind up turning against myself?

When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their s.e.xual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous, this is internalized oppression. When we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as too s.l.u.tty or too free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look through the preceding section on myths, stereotypes and oppression as a checklist, to see where your own beliefs that you learned in our s.e.x negative culture might be getting in your way.

sanctions against s.l.u.ts Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. While there are certainly ways to protect yourself against some social, logistical and financial consequences, we can't guarantee that there never will be consequences.

It's not easy being easy.

Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who dont share your values about the potential for inclusive relations.h.i.+ps may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. And bringing both of your partners to the company picnic is not a good way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend extreme caution in choosing who to come out to: yes, we know you're blissfully happy and want to share your joy with the world, but remember, you can't un-tell. We know people who have lost jobs, child custody and more because the wrong people have become aware of their s.e.xual choices.

Some landlords are quite reluctant to rent to groups that dont conform to the traditional family structure; although this may be technically illegal, in our experience it's common, and we suggest that you be prepared to tell a teeny white lie when necessary. ("Why, yes, he's my adopted brother. Oh, that? Well, I use my married name...") Some leases contain clauses that allow landlords to terminate rental agreements on the basis of "immoral behavior" or "a.s.sociation with undesirable people," and most allow them to kick you out for illegal behavior- which in some states includes non-marital s.e.x and/or sodomy.

Similarly, your personal love and s.e.x arrangements are best kept out of the workplace: both of us have lost jobs and clients for being who we are. While some cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian or transgender, we are not aware of any that guarantee equal rights for s.l.u.ts. Unless you are absolutely certain that your employer or your co-worker is s.l.u.t-positive- not just that she's a swell person with a great fund of dirty jokes, or that he used to sleep around in college- we recommend a capacious and well-insulated closet.

government is not our friend As we write this, our nation's various political establishments are wrestling over the issue of whether people of the same gender ought to be able to partake in the financial and social benefits of legal marriage. (With any luck, we'll be able to edit that statement out of future editions of this book.) While we certainly think that same-s.e.x couples are ent.i.tled to the same benefits as opposite-s.e.x couples, we strongly question what business any of this is of the government's. For several centuries, government has subtly or not-so-subtly attempted to enforce its ideas of what const.i.tutes a proper relations.h.i.+p between human beings, by offering a financially and socially desirable legal status only to those who meet its criteria. As a result, we've seen laws that forbid marriage between people of different races, laws that give preferred tax status to married couples (Dossie remembers tax laws that gave widows lower taxes than single parents), laws that dictate exactly how married couples must share their money and belongings, laws that tell you what gender of person you're allowed to marry, laws that tell you what number of persons you're allowed to marry, and many other coercive laws even laws that tell you you're married when you didn't choose to be, like common-law marriage. In order to be allowed to be a state at all, the territory of Utah had to pa.s.s laws that only two people were allowed in a marriage, nullifying an honored tradition of Mormon polygamy. (Some Mormon groups, we hear, still live in established multi-partner marriages in defiance of those laws. Good for them!) We see marriage laws imposed by the government as a blatant violation of the Const.i.tutional separation of church and state, as well as a very bad environment for s.l.u.ttery. We think that most people are able to figure out and codify their own contractual agreements agreements that specify how they will share their belongings, make their decisions, raise their children, care for their sick and elderly, and arrange for their futures together. And, for those who can't or dont want to do the work of figuring all that out from scratch, we know there are churches, support groups, mediators, publications and other resources to help create agreements that meet their standards.

OK, end of rant. You know and we know that our government is not likely to get out of the marriage business anytime soon. In the meantime, however, those of us who are too s.l.u.tty, too queer or too cynical to buy into this one-male one-female till-death-do-us-part model had best learn to make our own agreements, and to deal with the real-world ramifications of doing without official "support" for our chosen lifestyles.

legal agreements If you and your partners) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal doc.u.mentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of lover kept from lover when someone gets hospitalized, a longtime partner left penniless and homeless after someone's unexpected death, individuals who have been parents in all ways but blood losing an orphaned child to a partner's parents or ex-spouse, and so on, should be enough to convince you that it's time to get official about all this.

You do not legally own your children, and the legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. You can use your will to express your desires about who will care for your children after your death, but the court may not be obliged to follow your wishes. In some cases a non-biological parent can adopt a lover's children as a stepparent. But your children are not property, and you cannot give them to anyone you choose.

Aside from that, it is possible, and not difficult, to make fully legal contracts to doc.u.ment your agreements on relations.h.i.+p issues. A publis.h.i.+ng company called Nolo Press specializes in do-it-yourself legal books, complete with forms and step-by-step instructions.

Catherine and her partner have chosen not to engage in legal marriage although, since they're an opposite-s.e.x couple, they could do so; instead, they used the "Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples"

(listed in the Bibliography) to outline their legal agreements with powers of attorney and wills.

Pay special attention to durable powers of attorney for finance and health care, and to wills. While the law will not support everything an eager s.l.u.t might want to do with his money and property, your chances of having your desires upheld by the law will be greatly improved if you express them in a formal legal manner.

If your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of great value (such as a lot of money or a successful business) are involved, you may want to go beyond the do-it-yourself level and contact an attorney. If you have that kind of money, you probably know more about this than we do. Do try to find an attorney who is open to nontraditional relations.h.i.+ps.

We have neither the s.p.a.ce nor the expertise to tell you all the ways that people with non-traditional s.e.xualities can go about setting up their lives- options range all the way from adopting your partner to setting up a business trust, and beyond. But please, dont a.s.sume that your good intentions, heartfelt love and general wonderfulness will protect you. s.l.u.ts dont have that luxury. Do your homework and get the law on your side.

CHAPTER 2. HEALTH.

In this dangerous era, the term "safe s.e.x" has taken on a specific meaning" s.e.x designed to minimize the risk of HIV transmission." But s.e.x has never been altogether safe. Both your authors are old enough to have grown up in an era when an unwanted pregnancy meant a life endangering illegal abortion. It's been only a few decades since more reliable birth control became available, and only a few before that since antibiotics began curing illness, insanity and death caused by s.e.xually transmitted diseases (STDs). Seen in historical perspective, today's environment, in which careless s.e.x can kill, is the norm, not the exception. Which means that you have to protect yourself and your partners.

Given that s.e.x is never completely safe, ethical s.l.u.ts put time, effort and commitment into getting as much s.e.x at as little risk as possible.

Hence, the term "safer s.e.x" has sprung into use, and is the term we have used throughout this book to refer to the many risk-reduction strategies that can help minimize the chances of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy.

Some of the safer-s.e.x information out there these days refers to AIDS as though that were the only infection you had to worry about. It isn't. Thus, we're not going to spend a lot of time debating which forms of s.e.xual expression are likelier than others to transmit HIV first, the information available on this topic changes almost weekly and would undoubtedly be obsolete by the time this book sees print; and second, you need to protect yourself against HIV and against herpes, hepat.i.tis, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, s.h.i.+gella, human papilloma virus, cervical cancer, unwanted pregnancy and a host of other nasties.

On the other hand, we dont think it's necessarily a good idea to tell you to cover every portion of your anatomy with latex before you touch another human being. Such advice smacks a bit to us of "Just say no,"

and we think people often react to such blithe blanket advice with an all-or-nothing shrug- they're not willing to follow it to the letter, so they dont follow it at all and wind up sick or dead.

Still, there ore ways to continue to have hot satisfying s.e.x without performing the erotic equivalent of skydiving with a faulty parachute.

Here are some that we, and the people we know, have used successfully.

fluid bonding A strategy used by some s.l.u.ts who are in a primary relations.h.i.+p is called "fluid bonding" or "fluid monogamy." Both of us have such agreements with our life partners. To do this kind of agreement, both (or all) partners get thoroughly tested for HIV and other diseases.

This may mean waiting six months to be sure, since HIV antibodies dont reliably show up in the bloodstream for that long after the individual is infected. Once you're both sure you're healthy, you agree to practice unprotected s.e.x with one another, but to use barriers (condoms, gloves, dental dams and so on) with others. Be sure you're in clear agreement about which activities are safe enough to do without a barrier and which ones require a barrier; to reach such an agreement, everyone involved will have to do some homework on the risk levels of various activities, and decide together what level of risk is acceptable to you.

In addition, you may wish to restrict some kinds of s.e.x- many people focus on v.a.g.i.n.al and/or a.n.a.l intercourse, which place the partic.i.p.ants at higher risk for disease transmission- to your primary relations.h.i.+p.

Another good reason for fluid bonding is baby making if you and your primary partner are trying to become parents, you might not want to engage in potentially reproductive activities with all and sundry.

If barriers were infallible, fluid bonding would be a nearly perfect strategy. Unfortunately, they are not. Pinhole leaks can allow virus to creep through, although this happens less often than anti-s.e.x crusaders would have you believe. Condoms can break or come off during s.e.x. If you are fluid-bonded and experience a condom failure, you and your partner will have to decide together whether to begin again with HIV testing and six months of barrier usage, or to risk the possibility that one of you has been infected and could infect the other.

eliminating high-risk behaviors Another risk reduction strategy is simply to eliminate some forms of s.e.xual expression from your repertoire. Many people have chosen to forego forms of s.e.x that involve putting hands, mouths or p.e.n.i.ses into or near a.s.sholes, feeling that the particularly high risks of this form of play are not worth its rewards. (We note that medical journals have yet to include a case study of a d.i.l.d.o or b.u.t.t plug coming down with a disease.) Others have decided not to engage in any form of penetration with an organic p.e.n.i.s.

Every such decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against your a.s.sessment of the risks. Remember when you're making your decisions that desire is powerful and important, and that there's no point in making rules you can't live with starving and hinging is an even worse pattern for s.l.u.ts than it is for dieters. On the positive side, expanding your range of hot s.e.xual expression by learning new and exciting ways to have s.e.x can leave you both safe and satisfied.

barrier usage Many people decide to follow their s.e.xual urges, but to be scrupulous about the use of latex or polyurethane barriers and other safer s.e.x strategies. We hope you dont need us to explain this to you at this point in history, but careful use of barriers includes condoms for v.a.g.i.n.al s.e.x, a.n.a.l s.e.x and f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o; gloves for masturbation of a male or female partner or for insertion of fingers into v.a.g.i.n.as or a.n.u.ses; and dental dams or plastic wrap for c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s or a.n.a.lingus. It also includes placing a latex barrier (a glove or condom) over any s.e.x toy that will be used by more than one person, and cleaning that toy thoroughly with an antiviral solution after each use.

The use of a good water-based lubricant can do wonders to make latexed s.e.x more pleasurable for both or all partners. For tips on how to use barriers in a pleasure-enhancing manner, check out our chapter on s.e.x and some of the books in the Bibliography. And if you're not completely comfortable using any of these barriers, practice!

Gentlemen can m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e with a condom (or two, or three), until it comes easy. We have heard of one dedicated fellow who managed to put on eighteen condoms at once he said it felt really good. And why not get a little playful with your rubber?