The Dangerous Age Part 18

The one that has most sun.

Has Jeanne read my thoughts? She proposes to sleep downstairs with Torp so long as I have "company."

I have begun a long letter to Richard, and that has pa.s.sed the time so well. I wish he could find some dear little creature who would sweeten life for him. He is a good soul. During the last few days I seem to have started a kind of affection for him.

We will travel a great deal, Joergen and I. Hitherto I have seen nothing on my many trips abroad. Joergen must show me the world. We will visit all the places he once went to alone.

Now I understand the doubting apostle Thomas. Until my eyes behold I dare not believe.

Joergen has such a big powerful head! I sometimes feel as though I were clasping it with both my hands.

Torp suggests that to-morrow we should have the same _menu_ that she prepared when the "State Councillor" entertained Prince Waldemar. Well!

Provided she can get all she wants for her creations! She can amuse herself at the telegraph office as far as I am concerned. I am willing to help her; at any rate, I can stir the mayonnaise.

How stupid of me to have given Lillie my tortoisesh.e.l.l combs! How can I ask to have them back without seeming rude? Joergen was used to them; he will miss them at once.

I have had out all my dresses, but I cannot make up my mind what to wear. I cannot appear in the morning in a dinner dress, and a white frock--at my age!... After all, why not?... The white embroidered one ... it fits beautifully. I have never worn it since Joergen's last visit to us in the country. It has got a little yellow from lying by, but he will never notice it.

To-night _I will_ sleep--sleep like a top. Then I shall wake, take my bath, and go for a long walk. When I come home, I will sit in the garden and watch until the white boat appears in the distance.

I had to take a dose of veronal, but I managed to sleep round the clock, from 9. P.M. to 9. A.M. The gardener has gone off in the boat; and I have two hours in which to dress.

What is the matter with me? Now that my happiness is so close at hand, I feel strangely depressed.

Jeanne advises a little rouge. No! Joergen loves me just as I am....

How he will laugh at me when he hears that I cried because I cannot get into the white embroidered dress nowadays! It is my own fault; I eat too much and do not take enough exercise.

I put on another white dress, but I am very disappointed, for it does not suit me nearly as well.

I see the boat....

TWO DAYS LATER.

He came by the morning train, and left the same evening. That was the day before yesterday, and I have never slept since. Neither have I thought. There is time enough before me for thought.

He went away the same evening; so at least I was spared the night.

I have burnt his letter unread. What could it tell me that I did not already know? Could it hold any torture which I have not already suffered?

Do I really suffer? Have I not really become insensible to pain? Once the cold moon was a burning sun; her own central fires consumed it. Now she is cold and dead; her light a mere reflection and a falsehood.

His first glance told me all. He cast down his eyes so that he might not hurt me again. ... And I--coward that I was--I accepted without interrupting him the tender words he spoke, and even his caress....

But when our eyes met a second time we both knew that all was at an end between us.

One reads of "tears of blood." During the few hours he spent in my house I think we smiled "smiles of blood."

When we sat opposite to each other at table, we might have been sitting each side a deathbed. We only attempted to speak when Jeanne was waiting at table.

When we parted, he said:

"I feel like the worst of criminals!"

He has not committed a crime. He loved me once, now he no longer loves me. That is all.

But after what has happened I cannot remain here. Everything will remind me of my hours of joyful waiting; of my hours of failure and abas.e.m.e.nt.

Where can I go to hide my shame?

Richard....

Would that be too humiliating? Why should it be? Did I not give him my promise: "If I should ever regret my resolution," I said to him.

I will write to him, but first I must gather up my strength again.

Jeanne goes long walks with me. We do not talk to each other, but it comforts me to find her so faithful.