Observations By Mr. Dooley Part 16

"That's what th' gallant Higginson says. But listen to what th'

akelly gallant McArthur says: 'I have th' honor to rayport that mesilf an' me gallant men, but largely if I do say it that shudden't, mesilf, crushed an' annihilated th' inimy's fleet at high noon to-day. Las' night at th' first round iv jacks, or midnight, as civilyans wud say, we rayceived a rayport fr'm our vigylant scouts that th' inimy were not at Bar Harbor, Pookypsie, Keokuk, Johannesboorg or Council Bluffs. But where were they? That was th' question.

An idee struck me. War is as much a matther iv ingenooty an'

thought as iv fire an' slaughter. I sint out f'r an avenin' paper an' as I suspicted, it announced that th' craven foe was about two blocks away. At that very moment, th' sthrains iv th' "Bloo Danoob" was wafted to me ears an' me suspicions was confirmed. On such occasions there is no sleep f'r th' modhren sojer. Napolyon wud've gone to bed but slumber niver crost me tired eyelids. 'Twas six o'clock whin we cashed in an' each wint to th' mournful jooties iv th' day, silently but with a heart full iv courage. At high noon, we fell upon th' inimy an' poored out about eighty-five thousan' dollars worth iv near-slaughter on him. His guns was choked with cotillyon favors an' he did not reply at wanst, but whin he did, th' scene was thruly awful. Th' sky was blackened be th' smoke iv smokeless powdher an' th' air was full iv cotton waste fr'm th' fell injines iv desthruction. A breeze fr'm sh.o.r.e carried out to me ears th' wails iv th' wounded tax payers. At twelve fifteen, I descried th' bloodthirsty Higginson--an' a good fellow Caleb is at that--on th' roof iv his boat. "Hi-spy," says he. "Hi-spy ye'er gran'mother," says I. "I've had me eye on ye f'r fifteen minyits an' ye're a dead man as I can prove be witnesses,"

I says. An' he fell off th' roof. I was sorry to take his life but war knows no mercy. He was a brave man but foolhardy. He ought niver to've gone again' me. He might've licked Cervera but he cudden't lick me. We captured all th' men-iv-war, desthroyed most iv th' cruisers an' ar-re now usin' th' flag-s.h.i.+p f'r a run-about. Th' counthry is safe, thanks to a vigylant an' sleepless army. I will go up to New York tomorrah to be measured f'r th'

prisintation soord."

"There it is, Hinnissy. Who won? I don't know. I can't tell at this minyit whether I ought to be undher th' bed larnin' German f'r th' time whin a Prooshyan sojer'll poke me out with his saber, or down at Finucane's hall callin' a meetin' to thank th' definders iv th' fireside. n.o.body knows. It's a quare game, f'r they tell me afther th' battles has been fought an' th' kilt has gone back to holeystonin' th' deck an' th' smoke fr'm th' chafin' dish has cleared away, th' decision is up to a good figurer at Wash'nton.

It depinds on him whether we ar-re a free people or whether we wear th' yoke iv sarvichood an' bad German hats f'r all time.

He's th' officyal scoorer an' what Higginson thinks was a base hit, he calls a foul an' what McArthur calls an accipted chanst is an error. Afther th' gallant lads in blue an' gold has got through, a wathry-eyed clerk named Perkins H. Something-or-other, sets down an' figures out th' victhry. Th' man behind th' fountain pen is th' boy. It's up to him whether th' stars an' sthripes still floats over an onconquered people or whether five pfennigs is th' price iv a dhrink in New York. He sets on his high stool an' says he: 'Five times eight is twinty-nine, subthract three f'r th' d.u.c.h.ess, a quarther to one o'clock an' eighty miles fr'm Narragansett pier is two-an'-a-half, plus th' load-wather-line iv th' saloon companionway, akel to two-fifths iv th' differentyal tangent. Huroo! Misther Sicrety, ye can go home an' tell ye'er wife th' counthry's safe.' He has to be a smart man. A good book-keeper, as th' pote says, is th' counthry's on'y safety. He mus' be careful, too, d'ye mind. Th' honor iv th' army an' the navy is at stake. Wan or th' other iv thim has been careless."

"D'ye think a foreign fleet cud capture this counthry?" asked Mr.

Hennessy.

"Not onless it was op'rated be a throlley," said Mr. Dooley.

"Supposin' ye an' I had throuble, Hinnissy, an' both iv us was armed with bricks an' ye was on roller skates an' I was on th' top iv a house, how much chanst wud ye have again' me? s.h.i.+ps is good to fight other s.h.i.+ps. That's all. I'd sooner be behind a bank iv mud thin in th' finest s.h.i.+p in th' wurruld. A furrin inimy thryin' to get up to New York wud be like a blind burglar attimptin'

to walk on th' top iv a hot-house with all th' neighbors an' th'

neighbors' dogs waitin' f'r him. Th' war game is all right. It don't do anny harm. But it's like punchin' th' bag an' I'd jus'

as soon thrain a man f'r a fight be larnin' him to play th' mandolin, as be insthructin' him in bag punchin'. It's a fine game. I don't know who won, but I know who lost."

"Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Th' threeasury," said Mr. Dooley.

Newspaper Publicity

"Was ye iver in th' pa-apers?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"Wanst," said Mr. Hennessy. "But it wasn't me. It was another Hinnissy. Was you?"

"Manny times," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was prom'nent socyally, ye cud hardly pick up a pa-aper without seein' me name in it an'

th' amount iv th' fine. Ye must lade a very simple life. Th'

newspaper is watchin' most iv us fr'm th' cradle to th' grave, an'

befure an' afther. Whin I was a la-ad thrippin' continted over th' bogs iv Roscommon, ne'er an iditor knew iv me existence, nor I iv his. Whin annything was wrote about a man 'twas put this way: 'We undhershtand on good authority that M--l--chi H---y, Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G----n on an accusation iv l--c--ny. But we don't think it's true.' Nowadays th' larceny is discovered be a newspa-aper. Th' lead pipe is dug up in ye'er back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped ye bury it. A man knocks at ye'er dure arly wan mornin' an' ye answer in ye'er nighty. 'In th' name iv th' law, I arrist ye,'

says th' man seizin' ye be th' throat. 'Who ar-re ye?' ye cry.

'I'm a rayporther f'r th' Daily Slooth,' says he. 'Phottygrafter, do ye'er jooty!' Ye're hauled off in th' circylation wagon to th'

newspaper office, where a con-fission is ready f'r ye to sign; ye're thried be a jury iv th' staff, sintinced be th' iditor-in-chief an' at tin o'clock Friday th' fatal thrap is sprung be th' fatal thrapper iv th' fam'ly journal.

"Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

They ain't annything it don't turn its hand to fr'm explaining th' docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin' saleratus biskit.

Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in ye'er fav'rite newspaper about ye'ersilf or annywan else. What th' Czar whispered to th' Imp'ror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th' coal sthrike, who to marry, how to get on with ye'er wife whin ye're married, what to feed th' babies, what doctor to call whin ye've fed thim as directed,--all iv that ye'll find in th' pa-apers.

"They used to say a man's life was a closed book. So it is but it's an open newspaper. Th' eye iv th' press is on ye befure ye begin to take notice. Th' iditor obsarves th' stork hoverin' over th' roof iv 2978 1/2 B Ar-rchey Road an' th' article he writes about it has a wink in it. 'Son an' heir arrives f'r th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy,' says th' pa-aper befure ye've finished th'

dhrink with th' doctor. An' afther that th' histhry iv th'

offspring's life is found in th' press:

"'It is undhershtud that there is much excitement in th' Hinnissy fam'ly over namin' th' lates' sign. Misther Hinnissy wishes it called Pathrick McGlue afther an uncle iv his, an' Mrs. Hinnissy is in favor iv namin' it Alfonsonita afther a Pullman car she seen wan day. Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv thirty dollars f'r th' bes' name f'r this projeny. Maiden ladies will limit their letters to three hundherd wurruds.'

"'Above is a snap shot iv young Alfonsonita McGlue Hinnissy, taken on his sicond birthday with his nurse, Miss Angybel Blim, th'

well-known specyal nurse iv th' Avenin' Fluff. At th' time th'

phottygraft was taken, th' infant was about to bite Miss Blim which accounts f'r th' agynized exprission on that gifted writer's face.

Th' Avenin Fluff offers a prize iv four dollars to th' best answer to th' question: "What does th' baby think iv Miss Blim?"'

"'Young Alf Hinnissy was siven years ol' yisterdah. A rayporther iv th' Fluff sought him out an' indeavored to intherview him on th' Nicaragooan Ca.n.a.l, th' Roomanyan Jews, th' tahriff an' th'

thrusts. Th' comin' statesman rayfused to be dhrawn on these questions, his answer bein' a ready, "Go chase ye'ersilf, ye big stiff!" Afther a daylightful convarsation th' rayporther left, bein' followed to th' gate be his janial young host who hit him smartly in th' back with a brick. He is a chip iv th' ol' block.'

"'Groton, Conn., April 8. Ye'er rayporther was privileged to see th' oldest son iv th' Hon'rable Malachi Hinnissy started at this siminary f'r th' idjacation iv young Englishmen bor-rn in America.

Th' heir iv th' Hinnissys was enthered at th' exclusive school thirty years befure he was bor-rn. Owin' to th' uncertainty iv his ancesthors he was also enthered at Va.s.sar. Th' young fellow took a lively intherest in th' school. Th' above phottygraft riprisints him mathriculatin'. Th' figures at th' foot ar-re Misther an' Mrs. Hinnissy. Those at th' head ar-re Profissor Peabody Plantagenet, prisident iv th' instichoochion an' Officer Michael H. Rafferty. Young Hinnissy will remain here till he has a good cukkin' idjacation.'

"'Exthry Red Speshul Midnight Edition. Mumps! Mumps! Mumps! Th'

heir iv th' Hinnissy's sthricken with th' turr'ble scoorge. Panic on th' stock exchange. Bereaved father starts f'r th' plague spot to see his afflicted son. Phottygrafts iv Young Hinnissy at wan, two, three, eight an' tin. Phottygrafts iv th' house where his father was born, his mother, his aunt, his uncle, Profissor Plantagenet, Groton School, th' gov'nor iv Connecticut, Chansy Depoo, statue iv Liberty, Thomas Jefferson, Niagara Falls be moonlight. Diagram iv jaw an' head showin' th' prob'ble coorse iv the Mumpococeus. Intherviews with J. Pierpont Morgan, Terry McGovern, Mary MeLain, Jawn Mitch.e.l.l, Lyman J. Gage, th' Prince iv Wales, Sinitor Bivridge, th' Earl iv Roslyn, an' Chief Divry on Mumps. We offer a prize iv thirty million dollars in advertisin'

s.p.a.ce f'r a cure f'r th' mumps that will save th' nation's pride.

Later, it's croup.'

"An' so it goes. We march through life an' behind us marches th'

phottygrafter an' th' rayporther. There are no such things as private citizens. No matther how private a man may be, no matther how secretly he steals, some day his pitcher will be in th' pa-aper along with Mark Hanna, Stamboul 2:01 1/2, Fitzsimmons' fightin'

face, an' Douglas, Douglas, Tin dollar shoe. He can't get away fr'm it. An' I'll say this f'r him, he don't want to. He wants to see what bad th' neighbors are doin' an' he wants thim to see what good he's doin'. He gets fifty per cint iv his wish; niver more. A man keeps his front window shade up so th' pa-apers can come along an' make a pitcher iv him settin' in his iligant furnished parlor readin' th' life iv Dwight L. Moody to his fam'ly. An'

th' lad with th' phottygraft happens along at th' moment whin he is batin' his wife. If we wasn't so anxious to see our names among those prisint at th' ball, we wudden't get into th' pa-apers so often as among those that ought to be prisint in th' dock. A man takes his phottygraft to th' iditor an' says he: 'Me attintion has been called to th' fact that ye'd like to print this mug iv a prom'nent philanthropist;' an' th' iditor don't use it till he's robbed a bank. Ivrybody is inthrested in what ivrybody else is doin' that's wrong. That's what makes th' newspapers. An' as this is a dimmycratic counthry where ivrybody was bor-rn akel to ivrybody else, aven if they soon outgrow it, an' where wan man's as good as another an' as bad, all iv us has a good chanst to have his name get in at laste wanst a year.

"Some goes in at Mrs. Rasther's dinner an' some as victims iv a throlley car, but ivrybody lands at last. They'll get ye afther awhile, Hinnissy. They'll print ye'er pitcher. But on'y wanst.

A newspaper is to intertain, not to teach a moral lesson."

"D'ye think people likes th' newspapers iv th' prisint time?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"D'ye think they're printed f'r fun?" said Mr. Dooley.

Adventure

"What a life iv advinture I have led, to be sure. I've niver been still a minyit since I cud see an' hear--always on th' go, performin'

heeroyc actions on land an' sea. Between th' ages iv eight an'

fifteen I bet ye I caught more runaway teams thin all th' park polismen in th' wurruld. I begun with stoppin' th' horses iv a man called Monahan that owned a ca.n.a.l boat an' askin' as a reward that he give me a job dhrivin' th' mule. But I rose rapidly in th' wurruld, an' befure I was fifteen I was das.h.i.+n' out nearly ivry hour an' nailin' a team iv maddened animals in th' bullyvard an' savin' th' life iv th' pet daughther iv a millyonaire. She usully accepted me young hand in marredge in th' dhrug store. But sometimes whin I needed a top or a kite I took money. I'm ashamed to con-fiss it, but I did. Iv coorse I rayfused th' first offer iv th' pluthycrat. Whin he thried to crowd wan millyon dollar on me, I give him a look iv scorn an' moved away. He was tur-rbly ashamed iv his onmanly action an' followed me up an' be sharp schamin' managed to get two millyons to me in a way that I cuddn't resint. I think it come in th' shape iv an advance payment on th'

dowry.

"At fifteen I quit stoppin' runaway horses as on'y suited to childher. After that I wint in almost entirely f'r knockin' down arnychists as they was about to shoot. I saved th' life iv th'

Impror iv Rooshya, an' he was anxious f'r to have me stay at th'

coort, but people begun to talk about me an' wan iv th' rile princesses an' I left. On my way home I seized an arnychist jus'

as he had raised his pistol again th' Prince iv Wales, an' as a reward he freed Ireland on th' spot. I rayceived an ovation f'r this in Dublin in 1860 or thereabouts, but I disclaimed anny glory, was always willin' to do annything f'r me counthry, wisht them th'

best iv luck: gintlemen, I can on'y say, I thank ye, I thank ye, I thank ye.

"Me raycint advintures has been more in th' spoortin' line. I had to give up futball afther winnin' victhry f'r me almy matther f'r four successive years be a suparb run aroun' th' end. F'r a long time I sailed th' cup dayfinder ivry year, an' always won be a sthrategy that no wan but mesilf undherstands. I've killed iliphants an' tigers be th' hundherd, rescooed people fr'm dhrownin' be th'

thousan', climbed up th' outside iv a burnin' buildin' an' come down with two or three fine-lookin' ladies in me arms, captured forts, charged armies, knocked out th' wurruld's greatest pugilists with a punch, led revolutions, suppressed thim, an' done it all modestly an' quietly.