City of Saints and Madmen Part 33

salt, pepper, and a sprig of parsley I am unhappy to report that the search is on for the missing ingredients.

57 . In all fairness to Manzikert III, Sharp had an insufferable ego. His autobiography, published from the unedited ma.n.u.script found on his body, contains such gems as, "From East and West alike my reputation brings them flocking to Morrow. The Moth may water the lands of the Kalif, but it is my golden words that nourish their spirit. Ask the Brueghelites or the followers of Stretcher Jones: they will tell you that they know me, that they admire me and seek me out. Only recently there arrived an Ambergrisian, impelled by an insurmountable desire to drink at the fountain of my eloquence."

58 . The Scathadian novelist George Leopran had an experience almost as bad, returning to Scatha only after much tribulation: "I boarded my vessel and left the city that I had thought to be so rich and prosperous but is actually a starveling, a city full of lies, tricks, perjury and greed, a city rapacious, avaricious and vainglorious. My guide was with me, and after 49 days of a.s.s-riding, walking, horse-riding, fasting, thirsting, sighing, weeping, and groaning, I arrived at the Kalif's court. Even this was not the end of my sufferings, for upon setting out for the final stretch of my journey, I was delayed by contrary winds at Paust, deserted by my s.h.i.+p's crew at Latras, unkindly received by a eunuch bishop and half-starved on Lukas and subjected to three consecutive earthquakes on Dominon, where I subsequently fell in among thieves. Only after another 60 days did I finally return to my home, never again to leave it." If he had known that an arthritic Ambergrisian historian would some day find his account hilarious, he might have cheered up. Or perhaps not. In any event, we can certainly understand historical novelists' tendency to vilify Manzikert III beyond even his due.

59 . We will never know why Aquelus was accepted so readily, unless Manzikert III had proclaimed him ruler on his deathbed or Manzikert II, knowing his son's sickly nature, had already decreed that if Manzikert III died, Aquelus should take his place. The story that, in his childhood, a golden eagle alighted at Aquelus' bedroom window and told him he would one day be cappan is almost certainly apocryphal.

60 . Three centuries later, city mayors all along the Moth would cast off the yoke of cappans and kings and create a league of city-states based on trade alliances-eventually plunging Ambergris into its current state of "functional anarchy."

61 . The first festival, held by Manzikert I, had been a simple affair: a two-course feast attended by an elderly swordswallower who managed to impale himself. More elaborate entertainments would mark the reign of Aquelus in particular. Such celebrations included a representation of the Gardens of Nicea, 300 yards across, built on rafts between the two banks of the Moth, complete with flowers, trees of brightly-colored crystal, and an artificial lake stocked with fish, from which guests were to choose their dinner before retiring to a banquet. In the year after the Silence, at a touch from the Cappaness' hand, an outsized artificial owl sped around the public courtyard, sparking off a hundred torches as it, finally, came to rest on an 80-foot high replica of the Kalif 's Arch of Tarbut. But perhaps the most audacious presentation occurred during the reign of Manzikert VII, who resurrected the gray caps' old coliseum, sealed it off, had the arena flooded with water, and recreated famous naval battles using s.h.i.+ps built to 2/3 scale. All this pomp and circ.u.mstance served as genuine celebration, but also, in later years, to hide the city's growing poverty and military weakness.

62 . Fourth Census-on file in the old bureaucratic quarter.

63 . Lacond's most delicious "theory" according to most historians (and therefore well worth relating) postulates that some mushroom dwellers actually gestated within such mushrooms. This explains both why the axe blows to fell them caused the mushrooms to shriek and why their centers often proved to be composed of a dark, watery ma.s.s reminiscent of afterbirth or amniotic fluid. I myself now believe they "shrieked" because this is the sound a certain rubbery consistency of fungi flesh makes when an axe cleaves it; as for the "afterbirth," many fungi contain a nutrient sac. We could wish that Lacond had done more research on the subject before venturing an opinion, but then we would be bereft of this marvelous conjecture.

64 . By now in his late sixties, Bacilus was a fiery old man with a smoking white beard who must have made quite a spectacle in public.

65 . In the Council's defense, Bacilus had a rather checkered reputation in Ambergris. We have, today, the luxury of distance, but the Council had had no time to expunge from memory such Bacilus innovations as artificial legs for snakes, mittens for fish, or the infamous Flying Jacket. Bacilus reasoned that if trapped air will make an object float upon the water, then trapped air might also allow an object, in this case a man, to float upon the air. Therefore, Bacilus created a special body suit he called the Flying Jacket. Made from hollowed out pig and cow stomachs, it consisted of three dozen air sacs sewn together. Without prior testing, Bacilus persuaded his cousin Brandon Map to don the Flying Jacket and, in front of some of Aquelus' foremost ministers, to jump from the top of the new Truffidian Cathedral. After the poor man had plummeted to his death, it was generally observed within Bacilus' earshot, if only to make the loss appear not completely pointless, that yes, perhaps his cousin had flown a little bit before the end. Another minister, less kindly, remarked that if Bacilus himself, surely a natural windbag if ever he'd seen one, had donned the jacket, the results might have been different, for it was obvious that Brandon had no air within him anymore, nor blood, nor bones . . . The Truffidians were, of course, horrified that their new cathedral had been christened with such a splatter of blood-and even more upset when they discovered Brandon had been an atheist. (I should note, however, that Truffidians have spent the last seven centuries being horrified by some event or other.) 66 . This police report filed by Richard Krokus provides a typical example: "I woke in the middle of the night to a humming sound from the kitchen. It must have been two in the morning and my wife was by my side, and we have no children, so I knew no one who was supposed to be in the house was fixing themselves a midnight snack. So I go into the kitchen real quiet-like, having picked up a plank of wood for a weapon that I was going to use to reinforce the mantel, but hadn't gotten around to on account of my bad back-I served like everyone in the army and messed up my back when I fell during training exercises and even got disability payments for awhile, until they found out I'd slipped on a tomato-and my wife had been nagging me to fix the mantel so I picked up the wood-from the store, first, I mean, and then that night I picked it up, but not so as to fix the mantel, you know, but to defend myself. Where was I? Oh, yes. So I go into the kitchen and I'm already thinking about making myself a sandwich with the left-over bread, so maybe I'm not paying as much attention as I should to the situation, and I'll be f- if there isn't this little person, this wee little person in a great big felt hat just sitting on the counter-top, stuffi ng its face with the missus' chocolate cake. I looked at it and it looked at me, and I didn't move and it didn't move. It had great big eyes in its head, and a small nose, and a grin like all get out, only it had teeth, too, real big teeth, so it kind of spoiled the cheerfulness. Of course, it had already spoiled my wife's cake, so I was going to hit it with my plank of wood, only then it threw a mushroom at me and next thing I know it's morning and not only is the cake completely gone, but my wife is slapping my face and telling me to get up have I been drinking again don't I know I'm late for work. And later that day, when I'm setting the plates for dinner, I can't find any of the knives or forks. They're all gone. Oh, yes, and I almost forgot-I couldn't find the mushroom that hit me, either, but I'm telling you, it was heavier than it looked because it left this great big b.u.mp on top of me head. See?"

67 . A few local souvenir shops, hoping to cash in on the pilgrim business, had begun to sell small statues and dolls of the mushroom dwellers, as well as potpourris made from mushrooms; a singular tavern called "The Spore of the Gray Cap" even sprouted up. (This tavern still exists today and serves some of the best cold beer in the city.) 68 . Aquelus, in a brilliant maneuver, sent, along with his amba.s.sador suggesting marriage, a bevy of Truffidian monks to Morrow, to negotiate a religious compromise that would allow the Menite kingdom and the Truffidian cappandom to reconcile their differences. Many of the arguments were extremely obscure. For example, the Menites believed G.o.d was to be found in all creatures, while the Truffidians, in their attempts to disa.s.sociate themselves from Manziism, believed rats were "of the Devil"; after weeks of ridiculous testimony on the merits ("their fur is pleasant to stroke") and deficiencies ("they spread disease") of rats, the compromise was that "of the Devil" should be struck from the Truffidian literature and replaced with the language "not of G.o.d" (originally changed to "made of G.o.d, but perhaps strayed from His teachings," but the Truffidians would not accept this). After a tortuous year of negotiation, and possibly more from exhaustion and boredom than because anyone actually believed in it, a settlement was reached, much to the relief of both rulers (who, although religious, had a strong streak of pragmatism). This agreement would last for 70 years, until made void by the Great Schism, and even then the dissolution of the contract transpired through the offi ces of the main TruffidianChurch in the lands of the Kalif.

69 . Chroniclers of the period call the marriage one of convenience, as evidence suggests Aquelus was a h.o.m.os.e.xual. But if begun in convenience, it soon deepened into mutual love. Certainly nothing rules out the possibility of Aquelus being bis.e.xual, much as the h.o.m.os.e.xual scholar cappan of Ambergris, Meriad, writing two centuries later, would have us believe Aquelus was as bent as a broken bow.

70 . Given Sophia and Manzikert I's example, it is not surprising that, until the fall of Trillian the Great Banker and his Banker Warriors, women served in the army, many of them attaining the highest ranks. Irene herself excelled as a hunter, could outrun and outfight the fastest of her five brothers, and had studied strategy with no less a personage than the Kalif's brilliant general, Masouf.

71 . Please note that in these several references to the Kalif over the past 60 years, I have been referring to more than one ruler. The Kalif was chosen by secret ballot, and his ident.i.ty never revealed, so as to protect against a.s.sa.s.sination attempts. Each Kalif was called simply "the Kalif." It is little wonder that the position of Royal Genealogist has so few rewards and so many frustrations.

72 . If this arrangement seems extreme, we should consider that in effect the va.s.salage meant nothing-the Kalif was far too busy consolidating his recent eastern conquests (rebellions in these lands secretly funded by Aquelus, who left nothing to chance) to exact tribute or even send his own administrators to oversee the Cappandom. However, the Kalif may have outmaneuvered Aquelus in this regard, since in later centuries his successors would claim that the Cappandom of Ambergris belonged by right to them and would wage war to "liberate" it.

73 . When Stretcher Jones was finally defeated, in a b.l.o.o.d.y battle that consolidated the Kalif's western supremacy for 300 years, Aquelus responded with the following words: "Being a friend of both sovereigns, I can only say, with G.o.d: I rejoice with them that do rejoice and weep with them that weep."

74 . Even before Stretcher Jones' fall these fierce warriors had been driven east by the slowly-advancing armies of the Kalif, who most certainly wished for them to weaken Ambergris. They have since pa.s.sed out of history in a manner both shocking and absurd, but tangential to the concerns of this essay; suffi ce it to say that exploding ponies do not a pretty sight make, and that no one knows who was responsible for the worms.

75 . With access to the sea blocked in this way, it is hardly surprising that Ambergris did not become the dominant naval power in the region until the days of Manzikert V, who established the Factory: a world-renowned s.h.i.+pbuilding center that could produce a galley in 12 hours, a fully-armed wars.h.i.+p in two days.

76 . And, coincidentally, providing Aquelus with an excellent example of what happens when an army with a strong cavalry fights a primarily naval force: nothing.

77 . To this end, Aquelus built land walls to protect against an a.s.sault from the north, south, or east. He also set out defensive fortifications on the river side that included provisions for converting s.h.i.+ps into floating barricades. Very little remains of any of these structures, as the contractor who won the bid, purportedly a former Brueghelite, used inferior materials; the extreme eastern side of the Religious Quarter still abuts the last nub of the land walls.

78 . Even if there had been no famine, Aquelus would have been obliged to take nearly as many s.h.i.+ps with him, for they would have to pa.s.s through the outer edge of Brueghelite waters in order to hunt the squid.

79 . Aquelus' one weakness was a penchant for taking personal command of military expeditions. Such bravery often helped him win the day, but it would also be the cause of his death a few days shy of his 67th birthday, when, although incapacitated as we shall see, he insisted in riding a specially-trained horse into battle against the Skamoo, who had come down from the frozen tundra to attack Morrow. Aquelus never saw the northern giant who felled him with a battle axe.

80 . Note the difference between this symbol and the one accompanying footnote 23. No one has yet deciphered the original symbol, nor the meaning of its "dismemberment."

81 . Who but Sabon, of course. Sabon claims the Menites herded up the city's residents, ma.s.sacred them some fifty miles from the city, and then left behind evidence to implicate the gray caps. She supports this ridiculous theory by pointing out the Cappaness' fate (soon to be revealed).

82 . Aquelus' lover for many years. What Irene thought of this arrangement we do not know, but we do know that she treated Nadal with much more kindness and respect than he treated her. Later, he would lose his position for it.

83 . The reason for this decision appears to have been both political and personal. Although Aquelus never commented on the decision either in public or private, Nadal wrote after the Cappan's death that (much to Nadal's distress) the Cappan truly loved Irene and, in the madness of his grief, was convinced she still lived underground. However, Nadal's account must be considered somewhat disingenuous, for if Aquelus believed his wife was alive, surely he would have allowed the military to send a large force after her? No, his sacrifice served several other purposes: if he did not go, then in the current state of anger and anguish, these men would surely take their own actions, possibly overthrowing him if he tried to stop them again. (Further, if his descent was seen as taken on behalf of Irene, perhaps the Menite king would look more kindly upon the Cappan.) Most importantly, Aquelus was an ardent student of history and must have known the details of the gray cap ma.s.sacre and the subsequent burning of Cinsorium. No doubt he interpreted the gray caps' actions as revenge, and what must be avoided at all costs were reprisals against them, which would only lead to further retaliation on both sides, permanently destabilizing the city and making it impossible to rule. For, if the gray caps could make 25,000 people disappear without a trace, then Aquelus had only two choices: to leave the city forever, or reach some sort of accommodation. Perhaps perceiving that, having taken their revenge, the gray caps might be persuaded to negotiate, knowing also that some action must be taken, and even now hoping against hope to rescue his wife, he must have felt he had no choice. If Aquelus saw the situation in this light, then he was among the most selfless leaders Ambergris would ever have; such selflessness would carry a heavy price.

84 . In the unlikely event that you are wondering how so many ministers survived the Silence, let me draw aside the veils of ignorance: Ministers were in no way exempted from periodic military service-in fact, their positions demanded it, since Aquelus was determined to keep the army as "civilian" as possible. Therefore, at least seven major ministers or their designees had sailed with the fleet.

85 . Peter Copper, in his biography Aquelus, provides a poignant account of the Cappan's departure for the nether regions. Copper writes: "And so down he went, down into the dark, not as Manzikert I had done, for blood sport, but after much thought and in the belief that no other action could deliver his city from annihilation physical and spiritual. As the darkness swallowed him up and his footsteps became an ever fainter echo, his ministers truly believed they would never see him again."

86 . Near Baudux, where the old ruins of Alfar still stand; grouse and wild pigs are plentiful in the region.

87 . At the time she meant for such help to strengthen her internal position, not to defend the city from external threats.

88 . That the Cappaness even managed to have the commanders imprisoned is testimony not only to Irene's strength of character, but to the civil service system put into place by Manzikert II. Most survivors of the Silence, when the Cappan's decision and the rumor of the mushroom dwellers' involvement became common knowledge, were for an all-out a.s.sault on the underground areas of the city. Indeed, despite the Cappaness' reiteration of Aquelus' orders, Red Martigan, a lieutenant on the Cappan's flags.h.i.+p, did lead a clandestine operation against the mushroom dwellers while the Cappan was still below ground. He took some 50 men to the city's extreme southeastern corner and entered the sewer system through an open culvert. Some days later, a friend who had not joined Martigan's expedition went down to the culvert to check on them. He found, neatly set out across the top of the culvert, the heads of Red Martigan and his 50 men, their eyes scooped out, their mouths to a one set in a kind of "grimacy" smile that was more frightening than the sight of the heads themselves. As to whether this action on Martigan's part hurt Aquelus' efforts underground, I can only offer the by now familiar, and irritating, refrain of "alas, we shall never know."

89 . While we can trust Nadal on the contents of the speech, he is a less trustworthy reporter of the actual verbiage: in his mouth, even the word "nausea" becomes both vainglorious and tediously melodramatic. He is, however, our only source.

90 . In reality, the Haragck were the greater threat.

91 . With the result that in later years, under weak cappans, the mayor actually had equal status.

92 . How did the Haragck cross over in such numbers? Atrocious swimmers, they somehow managed to make 7,000 inflatable animal skins-not, as rumor has it, made from their ponies, which they loved-and, fully armed, floated/dog paddled across the Moth. The reliefs that depict this event are among the only surviving examples of Haragck artwork: these is one, dating from the right time period, that tells of a mushroom that sprang suddenly from the ground, and from which emerged an old man who told them to attack their "eastern enemies." Could it be that the mushroom dwellers managed to coordinate the Haragck attack with their Silence? And could the old man have been Tonsure himself?

93 . Seeking to redeem themselves, some rebel Ambergrisian commanders asked to be put in charge of the dangerous street-to-street fighting, and accounted themselves well enough that although they were deprived of their rank and returned to civilian life after the emergency, their lands were not confiscated, and neither were their lives.

94 . Worse still, whatever animal they had made their floats from had wide pores and the skins, hastily prepared, suffered slow leakage; although the vast majority had survived the initial crossing, many sank upon the return trip.

95 . A notorious cannibal with a taste for the western tribes; that Aquelus kept him on retainer as a buffer against the Brueghelites may have been a political necessity, but it was still morally reprehensible.

96 . The only reason the Haragck regrouped so quickly-they would pose a threat to Ambergris again a mere three years later-is that their great general Heckira Blgkkydks escaped the Skamoo with seven of his men and, his anger fearsome to behold (more fearsome than that of Manzikert I), eventually reached the fortress of Gelis, where the Haragck Khan Grnnck (who had ordered the amphibious attack on Ambergris) had taken refuge. Starving, shoeless, his clothes in tatters, Blgkkydks burst into the Khan's court, reportedly roared out, "Inflatable animal skins?!", cut off his ruler's head with a single blow of his sword, and promptly proclaimed himself Khan; he would remain Khan for 20 years before the destruction of the Haragck as a political/cultural ent.i.ty. Luckily, he spent the next three years annihilating the Skamoo, for he had suffered terribly at their hands, and by the time he refocused on Ambergris, the city had sufficiently recovered to defend itself. (One long-term effect on the Haragck as a consequence of their failed attack on Ambergris was a crucial lack of good translators, almost all of whom had been killed by the burning f.a.ggots of Ambergris. Thus, when Blgkkydks issued a formal demand for Ambergrisian surrender as a pretense for declaring war, the threat which accompanied the demand read, "I will put fried eggs up your armpits," when the old Haragck saying should have read, "I will tear you armpit to armpit like a chicken.") 97 . Some horticulturists-none of the ones consulted for this travel guide-have pointed out that the tissue in eyeb.a.l.l.s provides excellent nutrient value for fungi.

98 . We cannot forget the late Voss Bender's opera about the Silence, The King Underground, which-although it contains a patently idiotic wish fulfillment sequence in which the Cappan singlehandedly slays two dozen midgets dressed as mushroom dwellers, after which "all quaver before him"-has a rather profound and singular beauty to it, especially in the scene where the Cappan crawls back up the steps to the surface, hears the voice of his Irene, and, his hand upon her cheek (aft, not nether), sings: My fingers are not blind,

and they hunger still

for the sight of you;

and you, not seen but seeing,

can you bear the sight of me? As Bender's opera is more popular than any history book, his vision has become the popular conception of the event, conveniently ignoring the unfortunate Nadal's pa.s.sion for the Cappan. Luckily, many subjects-including the Haragck's use of floating animal skins-Bender thought to be unsuitable for opera, and it is in such low domains, far below the public eye, that creatures such as myself are still allowed to crawl about while muttering our "expert" opinions.

99 . Although the Menite king did pressure her to annex Ambergris for Morrow; already firmly committed to her adopted people, she put him off by invoking the specter of intervention by the Kalif should the Cappandom fall into Menite hands.

100 . That Aquelus still loved her is undeniable, and he himself made no complaint, although many of his ministers, who effectively lost power as a result, did complain-vociferously.

101 . Nadal, who had stuck by Aquelus through all of this, reports to us a conversation in which the Cappan chastised Nadal for his anger at the many slurs, saying, "They have suffered a terrible loss. If to heal they must remake me in the image of the villain, let them."

102 . It is outside the scope of this essay to tell of the continuation of the Manzikert line or of the mushroom dwellers; suffice it to say, the mushroom dwellers are still with us, while the Manzikerts exist only as a borderline religion and as a rather obnoxious model of black, beetle-like motored vehicle.

103 . Little wonder that many moved away, to other cities, and that their places were taken by settlers from the southern Aan islands and, north, from Morrow. Additional bodies were drummed up amongst the tribes neighboring the city; Irene offered them jobs and reduced taxation in return for their relocation. The influx of these foreign cultures into the predominantly Aan city forever diversified and rejuvenated the local culture . . . We might well ask why so many people were willing to reinhabit a place where 25,000 souls had disappeared, but, in fact, the government deliberately spread misinformation, blaming the invading Haragck and the Brueghelites for the loss of life. In the confusion of the times, it appears many outside of the city did not even hear the real story. Others chose not to believe it, for it was not, after all, a very believable story. Thus, for several centuries, historians who should have known better promulgated false stories of plague and civil war.

104 . Given the magnitude of the loss, remarkably few survivors killed themselves. We must credit the industriousness of Irene and Aquelus-the example they set and the work they provided.

105 . For, at the 100-year mark, the mushroom dwellers first began to integrate themselves with Ambergrisian society, albeit as garbage collectors.

106 . As recently as 50 years ago, a few homes were found in this state: they had been boarded up and then built over, and were discovered by accident during a survey expedition to install street lamps. The surveyors found the atmosphere within these rooms (the dust over everything, the plates and kitchen implements corroded, the smell dry as death, the dried flowers set out as a memorial) so oppressive that after a brief reconnaissance, they not only boarded them back up, but filled them in, despite a vigorous protest from myself and various other old farts at the Ambergrisian Historical Society.

107 . If so, then the Devil has saved it several times over.

108 . At this point in the narrative I begin to make my formal farewells, for those of you who ever even noticed my marginal existence. By now the blind mechanism of the story has surpa.s.sed me, and I shall jump out of its way in order to let it roll on, unimpeded by my frantic gesticulations for attention. The time-bound history is done: there is only the matter of sweeping the floors, taking out the garbage, and turning off the lights. Meanwhile, I shall retire once more to the anonymity of my little apartment overlooking the Voss Bender Memorial Square. This is the fate of historians: to fade ever more into the fabric of their history, until they no longer exist outside of it. Remember this while you navigate the afternoon crowd in the Religious Quarter, your guidebook held limply in your pudgy left hand as your right hand struggles to balance a half-pint of bitter.

109 . The library already housed a number of unique ma.n.u.scripts, including the anonymous Dictionary of Foreplay, Stretcher Jones' Memories, a few sheets of palm-pulp paper with mushroom dweller scrawls on them, and 69 texts on preserving flesh, stolen from the Kalif, that had been of great use to Manzikert II while conducting his body parts shopping spree among the saints.

110 . As it is, when copies were made available 50 years later, it forced Cappan Manzikert VI to abdicate and join a monastery.

111 . Alas, Abrasis never commented on the consistency of the handwriting!

112 . With the exception of his entry describing the ma.s.sacre and Manzikert I's decision to go underground.

113 . No less a skeptic than Sabon half-heartedly doc.u.ments the folktale that the Manzikert I who reappeared in the library was actually a construct, a doppelganger, created out of fungus. Although ridiculous on the face of it, we must remember how often tales of doppelgangers intertwine with the history of the mushroom dwellers.

114 . Another indication Manzikert was a little man.

115 . Then as now, b.a.s.t.a.r.ds were a sel-a-dozen amongst the clergy; how much more interesting to know where this mother and child resided-Nicea, perhaps?

116 . Sabon dryly writes, "Tonsure was already the most finished man in the history of the world. How then could they improve upon perfection?"

117 . Most of the scribbles are erotic in nature and superfluous. Of the writings, the following lines appear in no known religious text and are accompanied by the notation "d.t.," meaning "dictated to." Scholars believe that the lines are an example of mushroom dweller poetry translated by Tonsure.

We are old.

We have no teeth.

We swallow what we chew.

We chew up all the swallows.

Then we excrete the swallows.

Poor swallows-they do not fly.

once they are out of us. If this is indeed mushroom dweller poetry, then we must conclude that either the translator-under stress and with insufficient light- did a less than superlative job, or that the mushroom dwellers had a spectactular lack of poetic talent.

118 . They're for it, by the way.

119 . Lacond's pet theory, sneered at by Sabon: the two shall continue to make war, history itself their battlefield, hands caressing each other's necks, legs entwined for all eternity, and yet neither shall ever win in such a subjective area as theoretical history. (Although my pet theory is that Lacond and Sabon are the conflicting sides of the same hopelessly divided historian. If only they could reach some understanding?) 120 . Sabon has suggested that the mushroom dwellers had a form of zoetrope or "magic lantern" that could project images on a wall. As for the reference to a "Keeper," it appears nowhere else in the text and thus is frustratingly enigmatic. Many a historian has ended his career dashed to pieces on the rocks of Tonsure's journal; I refuse to follow false beacons, myself.

121 . I have a certain affection for Lacond's theory that Tonsure's journal is merely the introduction to a vast piece of fiction/nonfiction scrawled on the walls of the underground sewer system, and that this work, if revealed to the world above ground, would utterly change our conception of the universe. Myself, I believe such a work might, at best, change our conception of Lacond-for, if it existed, at least one of his theories might be accepted by mainstream historians.

122 . The most recent, 30 years ago, resulting in the loss of the entire members.h.i.+p of the Ambergrisian Historical Society, and two of its dog mascots.

123 . Until recently you could take an ostensible tour of the mushroom dwellers' tunnels run by a certain Guido Zardoz. After tourists had imbibed refreshments laced with hallucinogens, Zardoz would lead them down into his bas.e.m.e.nt, where several dwarfs in felt hats awaited the signal to leap out from hiding and say "Boo!" Reluctantly, the district councilor shut the establishment down after an old lady from Stockton had a heart attack.

124 . And since discontinued-too runny.

125 . A pa.s.sage from his Midnight for Munfroe reads "It was in this cloying darkness, the lights from Krotch's house stabbing at me from beyond the grave, that I could no longer hold onto the idea that I was going to be all right. I would have to kill the b.a.s.t.a.r.d. I would have to do it before he did it to me. Because if he did it to me, there would be no way for me to do it to him."

126 . Certainly possible-Glaring could have interviewed any number of Truffi d monks or read any number of books, few now surviving, on the subject.

127 . Sabon notes that Glaring kept copies of his forgeries. Further, that a letter Glaring wrote to a friend mentions "a rather unusual memoir of sorts I've been told to duplicate." Sabon believes Glaring made a true copy of the original pages. If so, no one has found this true copy.

128 . It is perhaps too cruel to think of Tonsure not only struggling to express himself, to communicate, underground, but also struggling above ground to be heard as Glaring tries equally hard to snuff him out.

129 . Although Sabon, predictably, claims Nadal's eyewitness account could also have been forged by Glaring.

130 . I myself have journeyed to Zamilon to see the page, and am cagey enough at this stage of my bizarre career to decline comment on its authenticity or fakery.