Classics Mutilated Part 21

"What now?" demanded Himmler.

"How do you want us to fight her? All at once, or one at a time?"

"I hadn't really considered it," admitted Himmler.

"I have a suggestion," said Einstein.

"Yes?"

"All they're good for is fighting, right? So have a compet.i.tion: let them fight each other for the right to face Big El."

Himmler frowned. "I have a feeling there's something exceptionally silly about that idea, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

Suddenly Adolf stepped forward. "I will fight her," he announced.

"Why you?" demanded Heinrich Number 1.

"Because I am unique. I am named for the Fuhrer, whereas you twelve are named for this insignificant little wimp here, meaning no offense, Herr Himmler."

"Okay," agreed Heinrich Number 1. "When you're right, you're right."

"But you can lend a hand if things get hairy," added Adolf.

"Are you calling me hairy?" demanded Eleanor furiously. "Let's start right now!"

"Wait!" cried Einstein.

Everyone turned to him.

"What is it?" asked Eleanor.

"We can't have them all piling on you if things start going well for our side," said Einstein.

"And I don't want you to be able to come after me if you actually survive and your blood's up," added Himmler. He turned to Einstein. "How shall we separate them?"

"The same way they separate the lions and tigers from the audience at a circus, I suppose," replied Einstein.

"I agree," said Himmler. "You two"-he signaled to Adolf and Eleanor-"stand over there."

When they had moved where he wanted them, he turned back to Einstein. "Spell Number 1209?" he suggested.

Einstein considered it. "Make it 1209-A. We won't need all the stools for the lions to perch on."

They chanted the spell together, and within seconds Eleanor and Adolf found themselves in the middle of a steel cage some thirty feet in diameter.

"Shall the match begin?" suggested Himmler.

"A steel cage match," mused Einstein. "I intuit an incredibly profitable commercial enterprise here once the war's over."

"May I proceed to tear her into small pieces now?" asked Adolf.

"Just you try it," snarled Eleanor. "This is Big El you're facing!" She drew her sword and faced him.

"Say your prayers, female!" bellowed Adolf, reaching out to grab her. She slapped his huge hand with the flat of her enchanted blade.

"Ow!" he yelled. "That hurt!"

"Not as much as it's going to hurt when I cut your foul heart out," she said, advancing toward him menacingly.

"Wait a minute!" yelled Adolf, backing away. "Fins! Fingers! Time out!"

"What is it?" demanded Eleanor.

Adolf turned to face Himmler. "You told us we were invulnerable!" he said accusingly. "I've never felt pain before, but from everything I've heard and read about it, that was pain!"

"Don't be such a crybaby!" snapped Himmler. "You are fighting for the honor of the Aryan race!"

"Make her get rid of the sword!" whined Adolf. "Then I'll fight her."

Himmler walked over to where Eleanor stood and pressed his face against the steel cage. "I don't suppose you'd consider relinquis.h.i.+ng your weapon in the name of sportsmans.h.i.+p?" he said. "I mean, he doesn't have one. That would make it a fair fight."

"A fair fight?" she repeated. "He's ten feel tall and all muscle!"

"All right," said Himmler with a shrug. "We'll just have to let it be known that the only way the Americans are willing to fight is when they have an unfair advantage."

Eleanor stared at her sword, then carefully leaned it up against the bars.

"Prepare to die, female!" cried Adolf, launching himself at her.

A moment later he was flying across the ring, where he crashed into the bars and fell heavily to the floor.

"What the h.e.l.l happened?" demanded Himmler.

Adolf frowned. "I bounced off her."

A triumphant smile appeared on Eleanor's face. "I forgot to tell you," she said. "I'm armored in my righteousness."

"Be subtle," urged Himmler. "Use vectors and angles and misdirection."

Adolf checked the pockets of his kilt. "I don't have any of those things."

"Then just use your superior Aryan strength and ruthlessness!" growled Himmler.

"At the same time?" asked Adolf.

"Just do it!" screamed Himmler.

Adolf began approaching Eleanor very carefully. This time, instead of blindly charging her, he reached a hand out to grab her.

"Ow!" he yelled, rubbing his jaw where she slapped him. "What did you do that for?"

"Don't touch me there!" said Eleanor.

He approached her again, reached out again, and got slapped for his trouble again.

"Don't touch me there, either!" said Eleanor severely.

Adolf made a T for "time out" with his hands, and walked to a neutral corner. "I've got to think this out," he said.

"There's nothing to think!" yelled Himmler. "You're huge, she's not. You're muscle-bound, she's not. You're a man, she's not. You're an Aryan, she's not."

"Right," said Adolf. "And I'm smart, and she's not."

"Well, you're an Aryan, anyway," said Himmler.

"I need a strategy," said Adolf. "She won't let me touch her in any of the usual places."

"What do you mean-'the usual places'?" said Himmler. "This is a battle to the death, not a Sat.u.r.day night date!"

"What do you suggest?" asked Adolf.

"Snap her spine like a toothpick!" screamed Himmler. "Crush her skull like a walnut!"

"Oh my G.o.d!" moaned Heinrich Number 10, clutching his stomach. "I'm gonna be sick again!"

"All right," said Adolf, working himself into a killing rage and facing Eleanor. "Now you're gonna get it!"

When he was almost within arm's reach of her, she looked down at his kilt and giggled.

"What's so funny?" he growled.

"Your fly is unzipped."

He looked down and she landed a powerful karate kick to his chin.

"I don't have a fly!" he groaned as he careened across the ring.

"You know," said Eleanor to Einstein, "I think there's a distinct possibility that I didn't need the sword or the outfit."

"That wasn't fair!" said Adolf petulantly as he got back on his feet.

"All's fair in love and war," said Eleanor.

"Love?" he repeated, puzzled. "What's love got to do with it?"

"This is all a joke, isn't it, Herr Himmler?" said Eleanor. "You've got the real super Aryans hidden somewhere else in the building."

"Kill her, G.o.dammit!" screeched Himmler.

Suddenly Adolf's gaze fell on the magical sword that rested against the side of the cage. He stared at it for a few seconds, then took a tentative step in its direction.

"Don't touch it!" said Eleanor in severe tones.

"Why not?" he asked.

"It's not yours," she said.

"Oh," replied Adolf, momentarily chastened. Then: "So what?"

"That would be cheating," said Eleanor.

"Pick the d.a.m.ned thing up and cut her head off!" yelled Himmler.

"It's not mine," explained Adolf. "That would be cheating."

"I absolve you. Now kill her!"

"I warn you," said Eleanor. "Don't touch it."

"You can't scare me," said Adolf. "I've been absolved."

"Do you even know what that means?" she asked.

"Sort of," he said. "It's kind of like being forgiven for staying up all night reading your father's dirty magazines."

"So you're really going to pick it up?"

"Yes."

"Even though it's immoral to steal someone else's sword?" she persisted.

He turned to Himmler. "What about that?" he asked.

"It's your moral imperative to kill her!" ordered Himmler.

"Well," said Eleanor, "you were warned."

Adolf reached out and grabbed the sword. Instantly the room was filled with a crackling, buzzing sound-an effect that really bad 1950s science fiction movies would combine with static electricity a decade later, only this was both real and deadly-and he briefly glowed a brilliant yellow, then mauve, and then vanished.

Eleanor walked over, picked up her magic sword, and faced the twelve Heinrichs.

"Who's next?" she asked sweetly.

"You!" said Himmler, pointing to Heinrich Number 1. "Remember that you're fighting for the supremacy of Germany and the Aryan race. Now get in there and kill her."

"Couldn't we just cut cards instead?" asked Number 1.

"We don't have any cards," said Himmler.