The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 45

They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.

They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.

THE GOSLIN.

The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.

They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.

If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.

The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.

I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17.

The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.

The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.

They ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.

If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn't want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn't suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.

Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.

I hav alwus notissd, when yu pa.s.s yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother c.u.ms bak empty with plate, and tells yu, "Mister, the roast goslin iz no more."

SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.

THE GRUB.

The grub iz all the fas.h.i.+onabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.

I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.

The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.

They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.

They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.

They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.

They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.

Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.

I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the gra.s.s, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.

I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.

[Ill.u.s.tration: VERMIN.]

Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az krazy, and az safe, az soda water.

It don't take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I alwuss keep on hand.

THE LADY BUG.

The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market.

They are spotted red and blak for color, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look unlike a drop ov red sealing wax.

They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kuk.u.mber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans.

The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime:

"Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home, Your house is on fire, and your children will roam."

Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home in a grate hurry.

The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster's unabridged dont tell us for what.

Whenever i c.u.m akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug.

I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain.

Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order.

THE TREE-TUD.

Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If yu didn't, c.u.m with me next July, and i will sho yu one.

Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physikally they aint.

They are about the size ov an old-fas.h.i.+oned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other.

They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea-kittle when she is cooking water.

Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set.

I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg.