The Lonely Way-Intermezzo-Countess Mizzie Part 87

CECILIA

That's more than I dare--whether the risk concern you or myself ...

more than I would risk even with certainty in mind. (_She turns away from him_)

AMADEUS

Then I cannot possibly understand you, Cecilia. What is it you want to make us pay for so dearly--yes, both of us? Is it our guilt or our happiness?

CECILIA

Why should either one of them be paid for? What's the use of such a word between us? Neither one of us has done anything that requires atonement. Neither one of us has any right to reproach the other one.

Both of us have been free, and each one has used his freedom in accordance with his own desire and ability. I think nothing has happened but what must happen. We have trusted each other too much--or too little. We were neither made to love each other faithfully forever nor to maintain a pure friends.h.i.+p. Others have become resigned--I can't--and you mustn't allow yourself, Amadeus. Our experiment has failed. Let us admit our disillusionment. That can be borne. But I have no curiosity to find how it tastes when everything comes to an end in sheer loathing.

AMADEUS

Comes to an end, you say?--But that can't be possible, Cecilia! It can't be possible that we should really leave each other--part from each other like strangers! We are still face to face--each of us can feel the closeness of the other one--and that's why you cannot yet realize what it would mean. Consider all the things that might come into your life as well as into mine during a separation of that kind--so prolonged and so void of responsibility--things that now have no place in your imagination even, and for which there could be no reparation.

CECILIA

Could they be worse than what has already befallen me? Faithfulness to each other in the ordinary sense matters least of all, I should think.

And we could probably more easily find our way back to each other sometime from almost any other experience than that adventure of last night, or from a moment of self-deception like this one.

AMADEUS

Find our way back, you say...?

CECILIA

It's also possible that, after a couple of years, we won't care to do so--that everything may be over between us to such an extent that we cannot imagine it now. That's possible, I say. But if we stayed together now, everything would be over within the next few seconds. For then we should be no better than all those we have despised hitherto--the one difference being that we had arranged ourselves more comfortably than the rest.

ALBERT (_entering_)

I beg your pardon for coming in unannounced like this, but....

CECILIA (_withdraws toward the background_)

AMADEUS (_going to meet Albert_)

Yes, I know--you didn't find the Prince--he has been here himself.

ALBERT

What does that mean?

AMADEUS

That there was no reason why I should want to kill him.

ALBERT

I see.--Well, I'll be hanged if I haven't suspected something of the kind myself!--Then I suppose everything is once more in perfect order in this house?

AMADEUS

Yes, in perfect order. When I return, Cecilia will be in Berlin, and I shall not follow her.

ALBERT

What? Then you are going to ask for a separation after all?

CECILIA (_approaching them_)

No, we are not going to ask for a separation. We'll just separate.

ALBERT

What?... (_He looks from one to the other; pause_) Really I like that.

Indeed, I do. I think both of you are splendid--but especially you, Cecilia--and, of course, there is nothing else left for you to do now.

PETER (_enters, carrying some of his puppets_)

Papa! Mamma! I can play theater beautifully. Won't you come and look?

Oh, please come!

CECILIA (_strokes his hair_)

AMADEUS (_remains standing at some distance from them_)

ALBERT

Well, isn't this just like life--the life you are always talking of!

This should be the moment when you had to fall into each others' arms with absolute certainty, if you had had the luck to be imaginatively created--that is, not by me, of course.

CECILIA

No, the boy means too much to both of us to make that possible--don't you think so, Amadeus?

AMADEUS (_losing control of himself after a glance at Peter_) All at once to be alone in the world again--it's a thought I can hardly face!

CECILIA

But we shall be somewhere in that world, you know--your child, and the mother of your child. We are not parting as enemies, after all....

(_With a smile_) I am even ready to come here and sing that Solo of yours--although we shall not be able to study it together.

AMADEUS

It's more than I can bear...!