A Hundred Thousand Words Part 8

I open my mouth to reply, but before I can speak, I hear, "Toby." The voice is soft, but somehow makes its way through the lively sounds of music and people.

Seth's hand slides off my thigh and I turn around to see Levi standing there, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. Levi, in a club in San Francisco, on my f.u.c.king birthday. The same Levi I haven't spoken to since we were in my bed talking and s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g.

"f.u.c.k," Seth says, taking the word right out of my mouth. "My forecast just changed."

I'm close to laughing, but then my muscles tighten up in annoyance. There's no reason for anything to change. Levi and I have already handled our business.

I turn to Seth and say, "No, it's cool. This is just my friend's brother, Levi. Levi, this is Seth." He's always emphasized that I'm Chris's friend, but he's never proven himself as my friend. Still, it almost looks like Levi flinches when I deliberately leave him out of the friend equation.

I watch his face, wondering which Levi has shown up here tonight. The Levi with the c.o.c.ky mask? Vulnerable, confused Levi? d.i.c.khead Levi from my childhood? Don't know if it's the lighting or the alcohol or just him, but as I stare at his face I'm not sure who this person is, or h.e.l.l, who the real Levi is. Or even if I care.

Seth chuckles, but I can tell by the tone of his laughter that there's nothing funny to him about this situation. "I'm psychic, remember? Maybe another time, champ. You know where to find me." And then he slides off the stool and walks away.

I pause two beats before sliding off my own stool, pus.h.i.+ng my way through the crowd. f.u.c.k Levi for coming here and f.u.c.k Seth for walking away like it mattered.

"Toby! Wait up." There's a slight tug on my s.h.i.+rt and I know it's Levi. I pull out of his grasp. Maybe it should mean something that he's following me, but all I can think about is how he just left Coburn without a word. Someone I've known for eleven years and had my d.i.c.k inside, and then he just bows the f.u.c.k out.

"Hey. What the f.u.c.k, man? Slow down." He grabs my arm as soon as I get to the other side of the bar.

"A shot of whiskey," I tell the bartender before tossing down some cash. "Why?" I ask Levi. "What's the point? We're not friends, Levi. We never have been. I'm Chris's friend and you and I had s.e.x. That's it." And then you just f.u.c.king left. I jerk my arm and he lets go. "I'm tired and h.o.r.n.y and you just f.u.c.ked with my hook-up."

"I didn't mean to c.o.c.k-block you, but maybe you should blame him because there's no way I would have walked away from a guy I wanted just because someone approached and said his name."

Yeah...he has me there. But then, who wants all that drama when it comes to meeting someone at a club? "Maybe so, but that doesn't change anything else."

The bartender hands me my shot, and I drain it. It goes straight to my head, making the room spin slightly. I probably shouldn't have had another drink. After the shots earlier, and then the drink with Seth, my lightweight status is showing.

There's no reason for me to act like this. While my head spins, I wonder why I can't seem to change the way I behave where Levi is concerned. And I guess it took getting drunker than s.h.i.+t to realize I'm p.i.s.sed at Levi for more reasons than I want to consider. "I'm outta here."

There isn't a doubt in my mind that he's right behind me. I stumble out onto the sidewalk, my stomach twisting and turning, my eyes sensitive like I'm looking straight into a light.

I start to walk and after a few moments he asks from beside me, "Did you go to the play?" His voice is so soft, I hardly hear him. He still sounds all husky and s.e.xy, though.

"No." I close my eyes briefly, but then open them so I don't trip. My feet seem to be moving without any guidance from my brain. A good thing, because my brain has been completely taken over by Levi. It doesn't make sense, how he affects me like this. Doesn't make sense that I give a s.h.i.+t he left or showed up now. I wanted, I had. I desired, I conquered. The end.

"Why not?"

As soon as he asks the question, the answer becomes clear in a way I hadn't seen before. Really f.u.c.king clear. Like a big lighthouse s.h.i.+ning a high-power beam in my eyes. It's painful. I'd wanted Levi to go to the play with me. Like really f.u.c.king wanted him to go. Levi, not anyone else.

"Because I didn't want the tickets. What was that? A pay off for a good lay?" I keep walking and Levi keeps following.

"f.u.c.k you, Toby. You know that's not how it was."

"I do?" Something comes over me and I shove him. Levi stumbles backward a few steps but catches himself.

"Lovers quarrel," a dude says as he walks by laughing, but I ignore him.

Backing up, I lean against a brick wall and realize it's my apartment building. I'd been wrong earlier when I thought the walk would take longer while drunk, because I have no idea how I got here so quickly. And as angry as I am, as fast as my heart is slamming...there's a calmness brewing inside me as well. It feels good to see someone I actually know. It feels good to see Levi.

"Did you think I was going to f.u.c.king cling to you or something? That I thought sleeping together meant more than it did? It was a hook-up, Levi. I knew that. You could have f.u.c.king said something before you left."

There's no pause in his reply, he just puts it out there as though giving me these words are the easiest thing in the world. "I know. I was being an idiot...weak."

What I don't understand is why. What was he afraid of?

"You're drunk," he says. "You have this sort of half-smile, half-frown on your face. I bet you don't realize it. Your eyes are glossy, too. I've never seen you drunk before. It's cute."

I close my eyes as though that will make him unsee me. I don't want him to say s.h.i.+t like that to me. It makes my brain go haywire, trying to make sense of things I need to leave alone. "What are you doing here, man?" Sliding down the wall, I let it hold me up, my knees bent and my head in my hands.

Everything stops spinning when I have my eyes closed.

"I don't know," he says softly, and then, "You know what? f.u.c.k that. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I wanted to see you. Maybe it doesn't make sense because it's not like we spent a lot of time together, but h.e.l.l...I think I missed you, Toby."

It's so crazy to hear something like that come out of his mouth. Five years ago, I would have given my left nut for it. h.e.l.l, six months ago I would have, even if it was just because Levi had been a fantasy of mine for so long.

In some ways, the feeling is still there, this ember of excitement that I've tried to bury the past couple months, but looking at him makes it grow brighter, stronger. Because he's still Levi Baxter and I'm still that kid who used to admire him. Because I see something different in him now than just the good-looking guy I want to bone. Because part of me missed him, too.

And I have no idea how to feel about that. It scares the h.e.l.l out of me.

That and the knowledge of how much I'd cared when he'd bailed on me.

My stomach seizes, contracts. The sour feeling in my gut shoots upward, and I turn around just in time to empty my stomach all over the sidewalk.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

This moment is a flashback to my childhood where I'd do stupid, embarra.s.sing s.h.i.+t all the time-trip and fall in the middle of cla.s.s, dump my lunch tray in the cafeteria, immediately forget the answer to every question as soon as a teacher called on me.

I can't believe I just vomited on the sidewalk like I'm fourteen and drunk for the first time.

"Hey, you okay?" Levi asks me after nothing comes up when I dry heave.

"I puked."

"You did?" There's laughter in his voice, and as much as I don't want to laugh at him right now, a smile tugs at my lips. No matter what it is, Levi always gets what he wants and this moment is no different.

"You're a p.r.i.c.k."

"I know, but I'm a s.e.xy one. Come on, I want to help you get home." He takes a step toward me, but I hold my hand out to stop him. That's the last thing I want. There's no reason I can't make it up the stairs alone.

"I'm fine. I can handle it. In fact, I already am home. This is my building." As soon as I make it to my feet, my brain throbs, and the world spins. I lean against the building to try and regain my equilibrium.

"Why are you like that with me? You don't want me to help you with anything. Last time we ended up at a club together, you helped me to my room, and that wasn't a big deal."

It's easier not to die if I don't open my eyes, so I keep them closed while talking to him. "It's not just you I'm like that with. I like to take care of myself. What's wrong with that?" Judging by what Xavier and Cherise both said to me today, I'm an equal opportunity standoffish guy.

"Yeah, I get that. It's always been how you are, but this is different. You're drunk and I'm helping you get home. If Chris was standing here, you'd let him." His brother's name holds a slight edge when he speaks it.

"Jealous?" I ask even though I know there's not a chance he is. That word isn't in Levi's vocabulary when it comes to self-reflection.

"Maybe."

My eyes jerk open at that, and probably pop the h.e.l.l out of my head. But dude, Levi would have no reason to be jealous over his brother when it comes to me. He's known me half of my life and never given a s.h.i.+t before.

"Can we not do this right now?" I push off the wall, my brain beating against my skull the whole time.

"Oh, how the tables have turned. I seem to remember you trying to talk to me when I had been drinking."

"Funny guy."

"I'm helping you." He wraps an arm around me, and this time I let him, savor the feel of Levi's strong hold balancing me. He feels so d.a.m.n good. All of this would be a whole h.e.l.l of a lot easier if he didn't.

We step inside the building-the entryway is tired and grungy-looking, showing the building's condition and age-which seems to fit my own state right about now. My hand knots in Levi's s.h.i.+rt as he works to keep me upright. He's right. I don't like him seeing me this way. If it were Chris helping me, I wouldn't give a s.h.i.+t. He's my boy and that's all, but things are different with Levi. Things have always been different with Levi. "Elevator's broken. Has been for months."

"Okay." He still lends me his strength as we head to the stairs and begin climbing them.

"It's an old building. The apartment isn't all that. I don't even want to think about how it probably compares to where you're staying."

"I don't give a s.h.i.+t about that." His grip on me tightens, and I like the feel of his fingers pressing into my skin, of his warmth under my hand. No, no, no. Don't do this, Toby. Don't read s.h.i.+t into this situation that isn't really here.

It's probably an a.s.shole move, but I remind him, "You would have cared a few years ago."

"So? There doesn't seem to be much about me that's the same as it used to be."

Yeah... Yeah, I'm seeing that.

"At least I know how you have those ripped thigh muscles now. You hike up these things how many times a day?"

"Pfft." I stumble and Levi pulls me closer. I smell the soap on his skin. It smells good, expensive, but I want it gone. I only want to inhale the scent of Levi, his skin and his sweat and nothing else. "I'm not known for being the muscular guy." Getting my mind off the way he smells feels like a good idea right about now.

"Eh. Big isn't all that. What matters is how you're cut. I watched your muscles flex as you slammed into me. I know what I'm talking about."

My heart drops and my foot hits the lip on the stairs. This time I do go down; Levi doesn't get the chance to keep me stable. My knee slams into the wood, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that does is what he just said and how it makes my pulse speed up in excitement. "Don't say things like that to me."

"Why?"

"Because I said not to. Jesus, man. What the h.e.l.l are we doing?" Ignoring my rattled brain, I push to my feet, do my best to keep myself upright and finish taking the stairs, with Levi on my heels.

"What do you mean, what are we doing? And why do you keep freaking out on me?"

My hand shakes as I unlock the door. Yeah, I could totally close it on him, but I don't. That should tell me something right there, but I pretend it doesn't matter. Levi shuts the door behind me, and then follows me as I head directly to the bathroom. Arms crossed, he leans against the doorjamb watching me brush my teeth. It feels intimate to have him standing there and I end up brus.h.i.+ng longer than I need to.

"Hey." Levi's hand wraps around my biceps when I try to make my way out of the bathroom. "I shouldn't have taken off without a word. That's something you do with a guy you pick up in a club, not someone you know. I'm sorry." His eyes look somehow darker, smaller, so f.u.c.king troubled. I wonder if that's how I looked after my mom left. Alone. "I just..." He lets his sentence trail off, and as much as my mind is telling me to shut up and just stop doing whatever this is we're doing, I speak.

"Come to my room."

"Just to talk," he says. "I want to talk to you, Toby."

I nod and lead the way, hitting the light when we go inside. My head still feels like a racetrack someone's doing laps around. And I'm suddenly hot, so I pull my s.h.i.+rt off, kick out of my shoes and jeans and fall onto the bed. Maybe I'll just pa.s.s out. Maybe I'll wake up and he'll be gone and I won't have to find the words to figure out what's going on inside me.

Things are a whole lot easier in darkness so I close my eyes. There's noise in the room, the door closing and what sounds like Levi sitting on the only chair.

"f.u.c.k," Levi says after a moment of silence. "Your mom left. I know how much that messed you up. I know you probably hate it when s.h.i.+t happens that reminds you of it. I didn't think about it when I bailed. I freaked and I don't know why."

Yes, she left. I don't want to get close to people and lose them. The volley's on my tongue, but doesn't make its way out of my mouth. Still, my head nods, up and down, confirming what he said. I don't like to be left. It's easier to keep my distance than risk that.

"But it shouldn't matter," I tell him. "We slept together, that's it. Maybe I should just let things go, but now you're here and I'm trying to make sense of why you are. Why you came to my house back home, how we ended up in my bed, and everything else that's gone down."

He doesn't answer right away, the silence stretching on so long I feel like I'm lost in it, blind and touching the walls in a dark maze to try to find my way out of it. The walls start closing in on me, it's getting tighter and darker until I make myself open my eyes just so I know I'm still in my room, lying on my bed.

"I'm not going to pretend I get it," he says into the darkness. "All I know is I felt this sort of peace in my chest when I saw you during break. My head's all f.u.c.ked up, running wild with questions all the d.a.m.n time-wondering what I'm going to do, why I feel so lost. Wondering who I am, and what I want, and being p.i.s.sed at myself for not knowing the answers. I felt calm with you... I felt like me for the first time in too long, even though I don't really know who that is. Which I'm aware makes no f.u.c.king sense, but there you have it." He huffs, and leans back in the chair. His dark brown hair hangs over his forehead and his tongue touches his slender lips. He's working his narrow jaw and all I can think is that he really is f.u.c.king beautiful.

Somehow I know he's not finished so I wait. Wait and watch him rake a hand through his hair. Watch the strands fall back in his face. Watch him tap the arm of the chair with a finger. See his throat move as he swallows.

"I want to hold onto that. I have fun with you, kid." When I roll my eyes, Levi chuckles. "I'm giving you s.h.i.+t, but yeah, why can't we just hang out? Be friends, be f.u.c.k buddies. Whatever. Let's just chill. I've known you over ten years. Why is it such a big deal to want to spend time with you?"

This time it's Levi's turn to wait as I sort through the cl.u.s.ter of thoughts in my head, trying to separate them out into things I want to tackle and things I want to ignore. The pieces are coming together now, making a slow burn of excitement start under my skin, while at the same time making me want to tell Levi to f.u.c.k off and go away.

He wants to hang out with me because he knows I'm the kid who had a hard-on for him growing up. He's confused and feels weak because he doesn't know what he wants. Being with me makes him feel like that guy again, the c.o.c.ky b.a.s.t.a.r.d with all the answers, who has his perfect life laid out for him. I'm a way for Levi to stay tethered to the past because things were a whole lot easier for him there. He wants to use me, whether he realizes it or not.

If I'm being honest, I can't be p.i.s.sed at him for it. Because I want to say yes. We'll both be using each other-him to feel like the guy who knows it all, and me because he's my wet dream come true.

I answer by saying, "Chris can't know."

A vein protrudes in his neck, pulsing strong enough that I can see it across the small room. "My brother can't know I'm friends with you? Why not?"

Guilt singes my conscience. He really doesn't know how his brother feels about him-how deep Chris's resentment or jealousy or whatever the heck it is that drives his feelings toward Levi actually goes. Part of me wants to tell him, but my loyalty to Chris overpowers it. "I don't want to have to explain it. I didn't think you'd care if we keep things on the down low, since your family doesn't know you're bi, anyway."

"I didn't plan to tell him I slept with you, but I'm also not ashamed of being with you. I have zero problems with people knowing I'm attracted to men. I'm not ashamed of that either."

I wonder why he doesn't care if his family knows he's bis.e.xual, when he does care if they know he doesn't want to be a doctor. Maybe because the doctor thing is important to him and the rest isn't?

"It's late. I should go." Levi stands, stretches. His s.h.i.+rt pulls up, showing me his pale, taut skin, and the dark trail of hair the leads under his jeans.

"Turn off the light and get into the G.o.dd.a.m.ned bed, Levi."

He grins, familiarity in his eyes, and I know he's smiling not so much because I'm asking him into my bed, but because he remembers saying the same thing to me that night in the hotel. It's not a look I ever expected to get from Levi.

"I can't keep up with you. One minute you look uncomfortable to be around me, you're shy and a little closed off like the kid I knew growing up, and the next you turn into a bossy motherf.u.c.ker ordering me around."

I can't keep up with myself either. It's true-one moment I'm the younger brother's friend with the secret crush, and the next I'm the experienced Toby who tries to tell himself Levi is just another guy. "My brain hurts too much to dissect it right now."

He toes out of his shoes. I don't turn away as he unb.u.t.tons his pants and pulls them down until he's standing there in tight, black boxer briefs and his s.h.i.+rt. He's hard, that's obvious, and even though I am too, I also feel like my whole world might explode. I'm not sure I have it in me to do anything to relieve our erections right now.