Selections from the Observator (1681-1687) Part 4

_A._ A _Popish Proselyte_ is no more to be believ'd, upon his _Oath_, than the _Devil himself_ if he were to Expound upon the _Gospel_. Why they have Dispensations to swear any thing.

_Q. What and continue Papists still?_

_A._ Yes: And go on still with the h.e.l.lish Popish Plot, as heartily as ever they did before. Why don't you see how the Toad Brazens it out still that he was not at _Somerset-House_? tho' _Prance_ and _Mowbray_ swear they saw him there?

_Q. Well, But who knows best? He_ Himself, _or the_ Witnesses?

_A._ Not a fart matter; For whether 'twas so or not; It were better Forty such Rogues were Hang'd then one Kings-Evidence Disparag'd.

_Q. But did they not swear a little short, think ye?_

_A._ Nay, they might have sworn _homer_, I must confess.

_Q. But now you mind me of_ Somerset-House; _Do'nt you remember a young Fellow of_ Cambridge _that Refus'd to receive the Sacrament, because (as he told his Master) he was reconcil'd to the Church, of_ Rome, _and Converted, and Baptiz'd at_ Somerset-House? _This is an old story ye must know. Why might not this be_ Towzer?

_A._ Nay as like as not, for the _Universitys_ are the very _Seminarys_ of _Popery_, and it will never be well with _England_ till _those Calves_ be turn'd a _grazing_.

_Q. But is there no believing of a_ Converted Papist _upon his_ Oath?

_Why does the Law receive 'em then (upon such and such Certain Tests) for_ statutable Protestants?

_A._ The _Law_ never was among 'em as _I_ have been. There's no such thing (I tell ye) as a _Converted Papist_, and he shall sooner change his _shape_, then his _Nature: Kiss a Book, Kiss mine a.r.s.e_.

_Q. Why d'ye talk thus at random?_

_A._ Come, come, the _Outlandish Doctor_ for my mony: that told one of the _Macks_ t'other day in the face of the _Bench_, that _he would let down his Breeches and s.h.i.+te upon him. Plain-dealing's a Jewell._

_Q. Thou'rt e'en as busy with a_ Backside _as a_ Glyster-Pipe. _But (s.l.u.ttery a part) Pray have a care what ye say; for if a_ Proselyted Papist _be not to be trusted upon his_ Oath, _what becomes of the_ Kings Evidence _that_ swear _under the_ same Circ.u.mstances? _But here's enough of this; and Pre'thee tell us now, how go squares in the_ State _all this while_?

_A._ Oh very bad, very bad, nothing but _Tory-Rorys_, from top to bottom. _Tory-Judges; Tory-Jurys; Tory-Justices; Tory-Officers; Tory-Crackfarts; Tory-Pamphlets_. All, _Certiorari-men_, and _Yorkists_.

But I rattled up some of 'em there at the----_What d'ye call't-House_----Oh they'r grown strangely Insolent since these Bawling Addresses.

_Q. Why what do they do?_

_A._ Why they set every _Rascally Squire_ and _Doctor above_ me: Nay, they'l scarce put off their hats to me unless I begin; and then they stand grinning at Me and my Train. Would you think now that a fellow should have the Impudence to call Me to an account, for nothing in the world, but saying, that _he had_ a b.i.t.c.h _to his_ Wife, _and_ she _a_ Rogue _to her_ Husband. And then to be call'd _Sirrah_ for my pains, only for telling a _Court-Kinsman_ of his that _I should Lace the Rogue, his Cozens Coat for him_. Well If I had not sent a Fool o'my errant I had had the Rascal in _Lob's_ Pound before this time.

_Q. And how came ye to miss?_

_A._ Why the Agent that I employ'd was so set upon his Guts, that he never minded the discourse at the Table. We had had him else. Or if he could but have got him to ha' met me, we'd ha' done his business.

_Q. But d'ye take this to be fair dealing now; to set any man at work to betray his Host; or to give such language to people of Condition?_

_A._ What not when the _Protestant Religion_ lies at _stake_? Why Pre'thee I tell the Proudest of 'em all to their Teeth, that they are _Villains_ and _Scoundrells_. What do I care for their _Graces_ and _Reverences_, they _Pimp_ for _Preferment_, and some of 'em shall hear on't too _next Parliament_. But Hark ye I have a great deal of work upon my hands, and I want an _Ammanuensis_ out of all Cry.

_Q. Why ye had a Pretty Fellow to'ther day, what's become of him?_

_A._ I'l tell ye then. A _Taylor_ had made him a _Garment_: and afterwards coming to him for the _mony_, he deny'd the Receit on't and being prest upon it, he offer'd to purge himself upon _Oath_, that he never had any such Garment. Upon this, the matter rested for a while; but at length, it was prov'd where he had _Sold_ it, and so the Taylor had satisfaction. In short, I turn'd him away apon't, for he is no servant for me that's _taken_ in a false Oath.

_Q. How is it possible for you to go thorough with all your Writing-work?_

_A._ Nay that's true; considering what a deal of other business I have; for really there would be no Justice done, if I did not look after _Witnesses_, _Jurys_, Choice of _City-Officers_, Election of _Members_ to serve in _Parliament_, both for _Town_, and _Country_; the disposing of _Ecclesiastical Dignitys_; the _Jurisdiction_ of _Courts_; the _Government_ of _Prisons_; the _Regulation_ of _Messengers Fees_: In one word, the stress of the whole Government lyes in a manner upon my shoulders; And I am so _Harra.s.s'd_ with it, that I profess I was e'en thinking, a little before the Meeting of the last Parliament, to lay out a matter of _Twenty or Thirty Thousand Pound_ upon some Pretty Seat in the Country, and Retire.

_Q. Why truly for a man that has seen the world as you have done, what can he do better?_

_A._ Yes, I have seen the world to my Cost. 'Twas a sad thing for me, you must think, that never went to bed in my Mothers House without four or five Servants to wait upon me, (and if I had a mind to a _Tart_, a _Custard_, or a _Cheescake_ at any time, I had 'em all at command:) to be _Hackny'd_, and _Jolted_ up and down in a Forreign Country like a _Common Body_.

_Q. But what was it that put you upon_ Travel?

_A._ The Desire I had to see _Religions_, and _Fas.h.i.+ons_: And now it comes in my head. Did you ever see my _Grounds and Occasions of the Contempt of the Clergy_?

_Q. Was That Yours then?_

_A. Mum_; betwixt friends. But I shall have a touch ere long at the _Creed-making Rascal_ there.

_Q. Who's that?_ Athanasius?

_A._ The very same. What a _Declaration_ is there?

_Q. But how d'ye like the Kings Declaration?_

_A. Not at all. Not at all._ It runs so much upon the _Arbitrary_, and the _Prelatick_? Yes, and upon something else too.

_Q. Come, 'Faith we should not part with dry lips, What d'ye think of one_ Roomer _now to the Health of? (Hark, and I'le tell ye.)_

_A._ I'le drink no _Traitors_ Health.

_Q. Why prethee what is_ Civilly-Drinking _his Health, more then_ Dutifully Praying _for't_?

_A._ No: I am of the mans mind that said, I _hope the Devil will have him; and if there be any punishment in h.e.l.l greater then another_, I _hope the Devil will tear his soul to pieces_. So Farewell.

_Q. What a Blessed sort of_ Subjects _and_ Christians _are these, that value themselves in the_ One Capacity, _for their_ Contempt _of_ Authority: _And in the_ other, _for the Zeal of Flying out into_ Blasphemys, _and_ Execrations, _instead of_ Prayers? _But what shall_ I _call this at last? A_ Romantique, _or an_ Historical Observator?

_London_, Printed for _Johanna Brome_, at the Gun in S. _Pauls_ Church-yard.

=Numb.= 110

THE OBSERVATOR.

In _DIALOGUE_.

=SAt.u.r.dAY=, March 11. 1681.

_WHIG._ Come; I'le shew ye my _study, Tory_.

_TORY._ Why you have got a Brave _Library_ here.