Donal Grant Part 85

"The one was of heaven, the other of h.e.l.l--that was all the little difference!"

"Did you ever know a bad woman grow better?"

"No, never.--Stop! let me see. I did once know a woman--she was a married woman too--that made it all the worse--all the better I mean: she took poison--in good earnest, and died--died, sir--died, I say--when she came to herself, and knew what she had done! That was the only woman I ever knew that grew better. How long she might have gone on better if she hadn't taken the poison, I can't tell. That fixed her good, you see!"

"If she had gone on, she might have got as good as your mother?"

"Oh, hang it! no; I did not say that!"

"I mean, with G.o.d teaching her all the time--for ten thousand years, say--and she always doing what he told her!"

"Oh, well! I don't know anything about that. I don't know what G.o.d had to do with my mother being so good! She was none of your canting sort!"

"There is an old story," said Donal, "of a man who was the very image of G.o.d, and ever so much better than the best of women."

"He couldn't have been much of a man then!"

"Were you ever afraid, my lord?"

"Yes, several times--many a time."

"That man never knew what fear was."

"By Jove!"

"His mother was good, and he was better: your mother was good, and you are worse! Whose fault is that?"

"My own; I'm not ashamed to confess it!"

"Would to G.o.d you were!" said Donal: "you shame your mother in being worse than she was. You were made in the image of G.o.d, but you don't look like him now any more than you look like your mother. I have a father and mother, my lord, as like G.o.d as they can look!"

"Of course! of course! In their position there are no such temptations as in ours!"

"I am sure of one thing, my lord--that you will never be at any peace until you begin to show the image in which you were made. By that time you will care for nothing so much as that he should have his way with you and the whole world."

"It will be long before I come to that!"

"Probably; but you will never have a moment's peace till you begin. It is no use talking though. G.o.d has not made you miserable enough yet."

"I am more miserable than you can think."

"Why don't you cry to him to deliver you?"

"I would kill myself if it weren't for one thing."

"It is from yourself he would deliver you."

"I would, but that I want to put off seeing my wife as long as I can."

"I thought you wanted to see her!"

"I long for her sometimes more than tongue can tell."

"And you don't want to see her?"

"Not yet; not just yet. I should like to be a little better--to do something or other--I don't know what--first. I doubt if she would touch me now--with that small, firm hand she would catch hold of me with when I hurt her. By Jove, if she had been a man, she would have made her mark in the world! She had a will and a way with her! If it hadn't been that she loved me--me, do you hear, you dog!--though there's n.o.body left to care a worm-eaten nut about me, it makes me proud as Lucifer merely to think of it! I don't care if there's never another to love me to all eternity! I have been loved as never man was loved! All for my own sake, mind you! In the way of money I was no great catch; and for the rank, she never got any good of that, nor would if she had lived till I was earl; she had a conscience--which I never had--and would never have consented to be called countess. 'It will be no worse than pa.s.sing for my wife now,' I would say. 'What's either but an appearance? What's any thing of all the d.a.m.ned humbug but appearance? One appearance is as good as another appearance!' She would only smile--smile fit to make a mule sad! And then when her baby was dying, and she wanted me to take her for a minute, and I wouldn't! She laid her down, and got what she wanted herself, and when she went to take the child again, the absurd little thing was--was--gone--dead, I mean gone dead, never to cry any more! There it lay motionless, like a lump of white clay. She looked at me--and never--in this world--smiled again!--nor cried either--all I could do to make her!"

The wretched man burst into tears, and the heart of Donal gave a leap for joy. Common as tears are, fall as they may for the foolishest things, they may yet be such as to cause joy in paradise. The man himself may not know why he weeps, and his tears yet indicate his turning on his road. The earl was as far from a good man as man well could be; there were millions of spiritual miles betwixt him and the image of G.o.d; he had wept it was hard to say at what--not at his own cruelty, not at his wife's suffering, not in pity of the little soul that went away at last out of no human embrace; himself least of all could have told why he wept; yet was that weeping some sign of contact between his human soul and the great human soul of G.o.d; it was the beginning of a possible communion with the Father of all! Surely G.o.d saw this, and knew the heart he had made--saw the flax smoking yet! He who will not let us out until we have paid the uttermost farthing, rejoices over the offer of the first golden grain.

Donal dropped on his knees and prayed:--

"O Father of us all!" he said, "in whose hands are these unruly hearts of ours, we cannot manage ourselves; we ruin our own selves; but in thee is our help found!"

Prayer went from him; he rose from his knees.

"Go on; go on; don't stop!" cried the earl. "He may hear you--who can tell!"

Donal went down on his knees again.

"O G.o.d!" he said, "thou knowest us, whether we speak to thee or not; take from this man his hardness of heart. Make him love thee."

There he stopped again. He could say no more.

"I can't pray, my lord," he said, rising. "I don't know why. It seems as if nothing I said meant anything. I will pray for you when I am alone."

"Are there so many devils about me that an honest fellow can't pray in my company?" cried the earl. "I will pray myself, in spite of the whole swarm of them, big and little!--O G.o.d, save me! I don't want to be d.a.m.ned. I will be good if thou wilt make me. I don't care about it myself, but thou canst do as thou pleasest. It would be a fine thing if a rascal like me were to escape the devil through thy goodness after all. I'm worth nothing, but there's my wife! Pray, pray, Lord G.o.d, let me one day see my wife again!--For Christ's sake--ain't that the way, Grant?--Amen."

Donal had dropped on his knees once more when the earl began to pray.

He uttered a hearty Amen. The earl turned sharply towards him, and saw he was weeping. He put out his hand to him, and said,

"You'll stand my friend, Grant?"

CHAPTER Lx.x.x.

AWAY-FARING.

Suddenly what strength lady Arctura had, gave way, and she began to sink. But it was spring with the summer at hand; they hoped she would recover sufficiently to be removed to a fitter climate. She did not herself think so. She had hardly a doubt that her time was come. She was calm, often cheerful, but her spirits were variable. Donal's heart was sorer than he had thought it could be again.

One day, having been reading a little to her, he sat looking at her. He did not know how sad was the expression of his countenance. She looked up, smiled, and said,

"You think I am unhappy!--you could not look at me like that if you did not think so! I am only tired; I am not unhappy. I hardly know now what unhappiness is! If ever I look as if I were unhappy, it is only that I am waiting for more life. It is on the way; I feel it is, because I am so content with everything; I would have nothing other than it is. It is very hard for G.o.d that his children will not trust him to do with them what he pleases! I am sure, Mr. Grant, the world is all wrong, and on the way to be all wondrously right. It will cost G.o.d much labour yet: we will cost him as little as we can--won't we?--Oh, Mr. Grant, if it hadn't been for you, G.o.d would have been far away still! For a G.o.d I should have had something half an idol, half a commonplace tyrant! I should never have dreamed of the glory of G.o.d!"

"No, my lady!" returned Donal; "if G.o.d had not sent me, he would have sent somebody else; you were ready!"

"I am very glad he sent you! I should never have loved any other so much!"