Emily The Strange_ The Lost Days Part 16

No.

JAKEY:.

Oh yeah? Well, what did the one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian when somebody farted?

ME:.

Don't know.

J:.

Ewwww, what sphinx? AHA HA HA HAHHAHA HAH AHHA!

ME:.

Yep.

J:.

What did the one Egyptian conjoined twin say to the other Egyptian conjoined twin?

ME:.

[Groaning in pain.][Long pause.] Well, go on.

J:.

We've got a lot of gut in common. AHA HA HA HA HA H HA HAH H AHHA H HA H H AH H HAH H AHHA!..... Get it?

ME:.

Yes. Yes, I get it.

J:.

Man, you should lose your memory more often.

ME:.

Oh. I see. I guess you've told me these before, huh?

J:.

[Laughing like maniac.] Hey, why did the Sphinx have to run to the bathroom?

After at least ten more jokes in that vein, I decided I would make the kid do me a favor in return for letting him torture me with terrible puns on "pyramid," "Cairo," and "sarcophagus." So I took him back to the El Dungeon to have him get a scope on Raven. Pointless-he couldn't read her at all! The only thing he could tell me was "She's not like other people." Duh+Duh=DUH.

Had him do a quick walk-through of the other customers' minds just in case. Here are the pathetic results: 1. Curls thinks umlaut and his crew have really improved the El Dungeon by breaking and replacing all its old furniture.

2. Curls still doesn't believe I'm not Molly. Delusional!

3. Curls DOES (finally) believe I have amnesia. Since it explains why I don't hang out with him.

4. Curls is peeved that I have been ignoring him and hanging out with Jakey. (!!!) 5. Curls has a crush on Raven.

6. HamHawk has a crush on Raven.

7. Ditto Hurk, Steve, and Grapey.

8. Hurk thinks umlaut's Patented Potion of Power is going to cure his male-pattern baldness.

9. Steve thinks umlaut's Patented Potion of Power is going to help him win the lottery.

10. Grapey thinks the Patented Potion is a bunch of hooey, but bought a crate of bottles for ironic presents to hipster friends in big cities.

11. HamHawk really misses Sizzle and Petal, who sold their house to Attikol and bailed town two days ago.

12. Every customer including HamHawk has plans to sell Attikol their homes at inflated prices and leave Blackrock in the next few days.

13. Every customer has a triumphant, rebellious, embarra.s.sing Goodbye and Eat My Dust speech prepared for their manager at the junk-mail factory.

Gahh! I feel sorrier than ever for Jakey!! Also, a little creeped out. I mean, I don't have anything to hide, but if/when I get rid of the amnesia, I don't want him reading MY mind.

Later Since I got back I've been noticing that Raven has been having trouble talking. I mean, even for her. She has a bad case of the hiccups, which has gone on for the past day or so. Today she made me a sandwich, but it was inside-out. And she's been doing a lot of chewing stare, without the chewing. I keep thinking I see spiders crawling out of her neck, but it's only her hair. All around I would say she's looking pretty poorly. If she were an espresso machine I'd say she's in dire need of a tune-up.

Day 22 What a depressing day.

First, I decided it was time to see if my dress is really as special as Sharon thought. Turns out it is. It doesn't seem there are any limits to what it can hold. I put all of the following in the pockets and there's not even a bulge: 1. 16 Blackrock newspapers 2. 13 soda cans with spiders in them 3. 3 French toast 4. 1 Polaroid camera 5. 37 slingshotting rocks 6. 1 slingshot 7. 7 pieces of sc.r.a.p lumber from the Dumpster 8. 11 (empty) espresso cups 9. HamHawk's chessboard 10. Raven's cape 11. 2 shoes 12. 1 metric grip of junk mail 13. 4 black cats [image]

I should be excited about this, but knowing what I know about Attikol, I find it very worrisome. I mean, the dress is obviously more than just special. In fact, I'll go ahead and say I think it's downright unusual.

It was all starting to make me feel more and more uncomfortable about seeing Jakey again, because it was looking more and more like something he really should tell Attikol about, if he ever wants to see his home and family again. And really, why should I expect him not to tell? I have nothing to offer him. I don't mind hanging out with him for now; it's been fun playing video games and gossiping with him-but once the amnesia's gone, I'll be like everyone else: avoiding him to protect my privacy.

And it doesn't matter how rotten I feel about that. I'm not Molly Merriweather. I can only stand so much human contact.

On the other hand, I am reeeeeeeally nervous about what Attikol might do if he finds out my dress is so...unusual.

Later Just my luck-while I was thinking over all of this, Jakey showed up at the El D. Talk about awkward.

I kind of wish he wouldn't leave his trailer. I guess he's lonely, but hearing all those random people's thoughts makes him awfully testy. And more selfishly, I would rather be the one to decide when I'm gonna share the contents of my brain with the Moon Child. You know?

Anyway. What made it all even more than awkward was what Jakey had to say, and this is pretty embarra.s.sing to write: He asked me if I would want to join the medicine show. Said they were looking for a crystal-ball reader. Said he had some ideas on how to turn my "special" dress into some kind of magic act, and how we wouldn't even need to explain it to Attikol. Said I could bring the cats, as long as they didn't bug his parrot. Said he could really handle having a friend, especially one with a bad case of amnesia.

Unfortunately for Jakey, he knew my answer as soon as I did.

Later As if the day wasn't bad enough already!

Raven made the same cappuccino order over 100 times while HamHawk and I tried to figure out how to stop her. She is extremely strong. I would even say she has the strength of five men. I say this because HamHawk, who has the weight of five men, had to sit on her to finally get her to stop.

I told all the customers we were closed and now I'm sitting here wondering what in fog's name I'm going to do. Maybe Raven needs a doctor? A vet? Some quality secret closet time??

Man, this blows.

Later GOOD STUFF!!!!.

I was sitting at the counter staring at Raven, trying to get her to talk and pondering what I would even tell a doctor if I took her to one. "Uh, the problem is, she was making all this espresso...and wouldn't stop...making espresso. Do you have a pill for that?" Right. But the more I stared at her, the more I was convinced she didn't need a doctor any more than a broken cash register would need a doctor. I stared and stared and stared at her and then I saw the clasp behind her ear. Reached over and released it, swung her ear right off her head like a little door. And then her controls were there under it and I could check the calibrations and such.

Crazy, huh?

[image]

Raven circuits.

She's well-made, that Raven. Great craftsmans.h.i.+p. But definitely the type of machine (android? robot? golem?) that needs regular maintenance. Otherwise, inside-out sandwiches and endless espresso, apparently. While I was in there tuning things up, I noticed that she'd been dialed way down-no wonder I thought she was such a birdbrain! She was so grateful when I got her back up to some smarter operating. Sandwiches are back to normal, no more hiccups, AND she can speak in complete sentences. Still not much of a conversationalist, though. And still short on useful information.

ME:.

So, Raven, who hired you to work here?

RAVEN:.

The owner.

ME:.

Do you know who the owner is?

R:.

I'm programmed not to answer that question.