Assassins: Slow Agony Part 20

When we left the bathroom, Griffin was wearing a wig too. He had a dark ponytail like Silas did. And Silas had on a skull cap. Up close, it wasn't too convincing, but from a few feet away, he did look like Griffin.

Silas wound his arm around Sloane. "Hey, sis."

She rolled her eyes. "Ew, is this how you treat your s.l.u.ts? No thank you."

"I'm being Griffin," he said. "Act like Leigh and pretend you like me."

She leaned close.

Griffin and I didn't touch, which was actually a mercy. We said our goodbyes to the twins, and we were all back on the road.

We traveled in silence for hours, scanning for new radio stations when the last ones went to static. We might never have talked at all if my bladder hadn't interfered. At first, I told myself I could hold it. But as time pa.s.sed, and Griffin didn't seem to be going to stop any time soon, I finally had to speak up.

"Sure, we can stop," he said. "We'll get some food too."

So I ended up in the bathroom at a Jack in the Box, a fast food chain that Griffin and I had been to on our trip to Texas to see his family last Christmas. We'd both been pleasantly surprised by the restaurant. There weren't any on the east coast. We liked that there were actually jalapenos as a regular condiment. It was a sure sign that we were close to Texas.

But being here reminded me of the way Griffin and I had been last year. That Christmas trip was probably the last time we'd been truly happy. Before that, problems had been starting to surface, mostly centered around how often we made love.

The frequency of our lovemaking had been dwindling. And it made me feel like Griffin loved me less if he didn't want to get busy with me every night. He pointed out that having s.e.x every day was exhausting, and maybe he was right. Maybe I didn't need it every day. But the fact that it had decreased at all made me scared. I felt like I was losing Griffin.

So, of course, I'd handled it in the worst possible way, by freaking out and yelling at him about it. Which had so not put him in the mood to have s.e.x.

Things had been strained from then on out.

But that trip, we'd gotten away, and we'd been free, somehow. Being on the road, it was where we'd really gotten to know each other. And it seemed like the trip had allowed us to rediscover our relations.h.i.+p. After Christmas, everything was better.

Until New Year's Eve.

I emerged from the rest room to find Griffin standing near the counter, looking up at the menu. "You want that Sourdough Bacon Jack thing you had last time?"

"I didn't have that," I said. "That was you. I had the thing with jalapenos." I squinted at the menu. "The Hot Mess Burger."

"That's what you want?"

"Yup," I said. "And curly fries. And those mini churro things for dessert."

He arched an eyebrow. "You're hungry."

"I know," I said. "Recently, I've been really hungry." I must be getting over you, I thought. But I didn't want that to be true. Not really.

He stepped into line, and we waited to place our order, which Griffin got to go.

Back in the car, I handed his burger to him.

"Thanks," he said. "And give me a napkin so that I can put the fries in my lap?"

I got out a napkin. "Here, I'll put it on your lap for you." I unfolded the napkin, but as I was spreading it out, I realized how close I was to his crotch.

I may have lingered for a minute.

Griffin cleared his throat. "Maybe I should do it myself."

"Sorry," I said.

I looked at him, and he was blus.h.i.+ng. He was so adorable when he blushed. "You don't have to be sorry." He grinned at me, and there was a hint of wickedness in it.

d.a.m.n. I suddenly had the urge to jump him right in this parking lot.

He tore his gaze away from me. "Don't look at me like that, doll."

I went back to the bag and got out my own burger and fries. "Sorry."

He yanked back wrapping on his burger, baring enough of it that he could bite, but covering enough that he could hold it with one hand. He used the other to back out of the parking lot. "It's only that I'm very confused when it comes to you."

"Sorry." I munched on my burger, which had just the right amount of spiciness.

"You don't have to keep saying you're sorry."

"Sorry." Then I realized, and I winced. "Oops."

He smirked.

"I'm confused too," I said. "I know that everything's a big mess right now, and that we're in danger, and we could die, but, for some reason, I'm happier to be with you than I was when you were gone."

He glanced at me quickly. "Really?" He looked back at the road.

"Things were really hard after you left. I wasn't sure I was going to make it."

"Yeah, I haven't been doing really well either," he said. He took a bite of his burger, and I had to wait while he chewed. "I feel lost without you, doll. I do."

"Griffin, I feel like that too."

He shook his head. "I trusted you so much. I don't trust other women that way. I mean, I can't even be intimate with anyone else. Maybe that means something, I don't know."

I ate a curly fry. "Griffin, as much as I want you back, I don't want it to be because you think you can only be with me. I'm sure if you spent time with someone else, you'd be able to... you know." It made me slightly ill to think about it, but I wanted him to want me, to choose me, not to be with me because I was his only option.

"Maybe," he said.

We both concentrated on our food for a while.

"But I think about the abortion," he said. "Whenever I see you, I think about it. And I feel betrayed."

My voice was quiet. "Maybe I feel a little betrayed too."

"I don't know if I'll ever get past it," he said.

I wanted to tell him that he would. Of course he would. I wanted to tell him that we'd get through it together. But I wasn't sure about any of those things. So I kept my mouth shut.

Griffin's family lived in San Antonio. I was asleep when Griffin nudged me to tell me that we were parked two blocks from their house and that he was going to go check it out.

I barely understood him, because I was still half asleep, so I made some noises and tried to get comfortable again.

I was in a car, so that wasn't happening.

Gradually, I came to terms with the fact that I was awake. Really awake. And that Griffin had left me alone to go check out his family's house. Which was a really bad idea for numerous reasons.

I had to stop him.

I started to get out of the car, but Griffin was back, sliding back inside. "Hey."

"You idiot! What if someone was watching the house? What if they'd tried to hurt you?"

"They didn't," said Griffin. "And everyone's okay in the house. My mom and sister are both sleeping like babies. It's fine."

"Unless you just led Marcel to your family."

"No way," he said. "There's no way he followed me."

I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Cheer up," he said. "I'll drive you by the Alamo."

I rolled my eyes. I'd seen the Alamo last Christmas. It was kind of a let down. It was just a little stone house sitting in a lawn right next to the biggest mall I'd ever seen. The mall was actually cooler than the Alamo. "I don't want to go to the Alamo."

"So, how about Austin, then? It'll only take us about an hour." Last Christmas, his sister had told us all about the Southern Congress neighborhood in Austin and how cool it was. She'd wanted to take us, but we hadn't had enough time on our trip.

I remembered that I'd really wanted to go, but now did not seem at all like the time for us to act like tourists. "Griffin, I feel like you're not taking this seriously."

"I'm glad my family's okay, that's all."

Griffin didn't make it to Austin. He got tired. I was tired too. We pulled the car off somewhere in the wilderness that seemed to be all there was between San Antonio and Austin and slept until morning.

When we woke up, we went to a gas station to use the bathroom and get freshened up. There was a crock pot of tamales next to the squirty fake nacho cheese. I bought some.

"I love Texas," I told Griffin as we continued our journey.

"Because of tamales in a crock pot?" he asked, chewing on the one I'd bought for him.

"That and because of jalapenos everywhere."

He laughed. "That's my spicy doll."

My insides felt melty. "I am yours," I whispered.

He flinched. "I didn't mean to... Dammit."

And then neither of us said anything, but I felt a lot like crying.

"Two rooms? You're lucky we got anything at all," said the guy behind the counter at the Austin Motel. "Only reason we've got this vacancy is a cancellation. We book pretty far in advance here." He leaned forward. "Julia Roberts stays here sometimes."

The motel had a big sign out front which proclaimed its name in neon light up letters that managed to look both Tex-mex and Bates Hotel at the same time. But it wasn't creepy at all, just nostalgic. Beneath the name, it read, "So close and yet so far out." I loved it here already.

"Two beds?" said Griffin.

"I think we can manage that," said the guy. "We'll put you guys in Polka Dot Surprise, then."

The room we were staying in had the original wallpaper from 1969, and, yes, it was pastel polka dot. The mattresses and furniture were all turquoise. I sprawled out on my bed, grinning at the ceiling. "I love Texas."

Griffin just laughed at me. "I don't think Austin is indicative of the rest of the state exactly."

I stuck my lower lip out at him. "Don't be a killjoy."

He shrugged, tossing his pack on his bed.

"We could live here."

"What?" he said.

"We could live here. There are colleges here. We could transfer and live in Austin."

"You've driven in and seen the inside of one hotel room and you want to move here?"

"Fine," I said.

"Besides, I think you're forgetting that there isn't really a 'we' anymore."

I had been forgetting that. I rolled over on the bed. "It's only that it feels-"

"I know," he said. He sat down on the bed. He sighed. "You were right, you know. If you were pregnant right now it would make everything a lot worse. But you couldn't have known something like this would happen."

I propped myself up on one elbow. "You think you're ready to be a father, Griffin?"

He rubbed the top of his head. "Does it matter?"

"Yeah," I said.

"I could be," he said. "If I had to be. I could be. I think. It's not like money is a problem."

Right. We were all very well off thanks to my father and the rest of Operation Wraith.

I traced patterns in the bedspread. "So... what if we just tried again?"