The Life and Beauties of Fanny Fern Part 7

"Charity dropped her knitting-work, seized one chair for her visitor, and placed herself on another in front of her, with both elbows on her knees, and her face as near Miss Pettingill's as possible, lest she should lose a word; exclaiming,

"'For the land's sake, make haste and begin. _Who did what?_ The cat's tail pointed north this morning, and I _knew_ it was the _fore-end of a runner_ of something.'

"'I declare, I don't know which end _to_ begin,' said Pettingill; '_such_ a piece of work! This is a wicked, abominable world, Charity.

You know that Mrs. Clark?'

"'Land alive! don't I though? Wasn't I the first one to tell that her husband ran off and left her; and that she was a flirt and extravagant? Not that I _knew_ she was, myself, but I heard tell so, and what you hear said is _most_ always true. Besides, she's pretty, and that's always against a woman, as you and I know, Pettingill. Who ever heard any body talk against _us_?' and she set her arms a-kimbo as if 'pistols for two' would be sent for, if they did! 'Well, what has the creature done _now_, Pettingill?'

"'Why, you know she boards at Deacon Ephraim Snow's--I wonder at his having her in his house, and he a _deacon_ too. But you know Mrs.

Clark has 'mazin pretty ways with her, and she's got round him somehow. Well, you know I do was.h.i.+ng for his wife, and speaking of _that_, she's horrid stingy of her soap. Well, t'other day she sent me up garret, as it rained, to hang up the clothes, and as I went by Mrs.

Clark's room, it struck me I'd just peep into the key-hole and listen a bit.' Here Charity drew up her chair so close that the tips of their noses met; saying, in a hoa.r.s.e whisper,

"'What _did_ you see?'

"'La! don't frighten me so,' said Pettingill; 'your eyes look like a cat's in the dark! I saw a very fine-looking gentleman--'

"'_I'll warrant it_,' said Charity, with a triumphant chuckle.

"'And I heard him say, 'Edith, dear--'

"Here Charity pushed back her chair and rolled up the whites of her eyes like a duck in a thunderstorm.

"'Edith dear,' says he, 'rely upon me; never heed these slanderous stories; I will be your protector.' There, Charity, what do you think of that?'

"'She is a church-member,' said Charity, thoughtfully, 'isn't she?

keep quiet, and watch her, the hypocrite! Did you say anything about it to Mrs. Snow, or the deacon!'

"'Not I,' said Pettingill; 'it would have fetched _me_ out, you know, for _listening_; but I'm convinced the man has a '_canister_' motive in going there.'

"'_Sinister_,' said Charity, reprovingly, who considered herself a scholar.

"'Well, _canister_ or _sinister_, it makes no difference to _me_,'

said Pettingill. 'I know what _I_ think of her. It's no use talking to the Snow's; _they_ won't believe anything against her.'

"'That's very true,' said Mrs. Snow, who had entered unperceived, and heard a great part of their conversation. 'Mrs. Clark has been with us six months, and is blameless and correct in her deportment. She has been shamefully ill-treated and slandered by her husband, as _I_ know, and the gentleman about whom you were getting up such a fine story is her _brother_, who has just returned from Europe. When he said he 'would protect her,' he intended to be as good as his word; and for your own sakes I would advise you to _bear it in mind_. I have the pleasure to wish you both good-morning.'

"'There's a tempest in a thimble,' said Charity, as she drew a long breath.

"'Ain't it, though!' said Pettingill. 'But I'll warrant we shall catch her tripping yet. These 'gra.s.s widows,' you know.'

"'Yes,' said Charity--'and so pretty, too. I never saw a _pretty_ woman that behaved herself."

XXI.

HORACE MANN'S "OPINION."

Horace Mann, in his lecture on "Woman," says: "I see but one reason why woman should not preach the gospel, and that reason is, that it is ten thousand times better to go about _practising_ the gospel, than even to preach it."

"On this hint," f.a.n.n.y characteristically waxes eloquent.

"I'm perfectly ready to close my female eyes now! Here's justice meted out to our suffering s.e.x at last, and by a _Man-n_, too! n.o.body can disturb the serenity of my soul to-day. I feel like a crowned martyr; could shake hands with every enemy I have except ----! Anybody any 'little favors' to ask, now is their time! If my bonnet wasn't bran new, I'd toss it up till it got hitched on the horn of _some_ celestial dilemma. Wonder if all those democrat cannons are used up?

It's outrageous there's no way provided for a woman to express her surplus enthusiasm. If I roll up my eyes, it may suggest a pitcher of water in my face; hysterics would but feebly express my emotions; (besides, I don't know how they are got up) no use in fainting unless there's somebody 'worth while' at hand to bring you to. What's to be done? I'll borrow a 'True Flag,' and hoist it. I'll go into the woods and shout huzza! Never mind whether he's married or single--he's too much of a curiosity for a _monopoly_. Barnum must have him; he belongs to the world in general. He's booked for immortality! Napoleon, and Hannibal, and Caesar weren't a circ.u.mstance! Just think of Horace Mann's _moral courage_ in propagating such an unpopular sentiment! I shall have to get out a Fern dictionary. Can't find words to express my tumultuous emotions!"

XXII.

WHAT f.a.n.n.y THINKS OF HOT WEATHER.

Shadrach, Meshek, and Molock! how hot it is! I pity omnibus horses and ministers; I pity the little victims of narrow benches and short recesses; I pity ignorant young mothers with teething babies; I pity the Irish who huddle in a cellar and take boarders in each corner; I pity consumptive semptresses who "sing the song of the s.h.i.+rt" for six cents per day; I pity dandies with tight boots; I pity cooks and blacksmiths, and red-haired people; I pity anybody who doesn't live in a refrigerator, and hasn't a _Fan_ to _temper_ the air.

XXIII.

FAMILY JARS.

This is a subject on which f.a.n.n.y _ought_ to speak _feelingly_. Her article thus ent.i.tled, is, however, full of funny hits, doubtless much like the roses which crown the skeleton, or the smiles which hide the heart-ache. Poor f.a.n.n.y!

"Domestie peaee can never be _preserved_ in family jars."

Mr. Jeremiah Stubbs was rash enough to remark, one morning, to his wife Keziah, "that, after all, women had little or nothing to do; that he only wished she knew the responsibilities of a man of business."

(Jeremiah kept a small shop, well stocked with maple sugar, suspicious looking doughnuts, ancient pies and decayed lemons.)--"Yes, Keziah, if you only knew the responsibilities of a _man of business_,' said Jeremiah, fis.h.i.+ng up the corner of his d.i.c.key from a questionable looking red neckerchief that protected his jugular.

"'Well, let me know 'em, then,' said his wife, tying on her bonnet.

'Seeing is believing. We will change works for one day. You get breakfast, tend the baby, and wash and dress the other three children, and I'll go down and open shop.'

"Jeremiah didn't exactly look for this termination to the discussion; but he was a man, and of course never backed out; so he took a survey of the premises, wondering which end to begin, while Keziah went on her way rejoicing, took down the shutters like a master-workman, opened shop, made a fire, arranged the tempting wares above mentioned, with feminine ingenuity; putting the best side of everything uppermost, and wis.h.i.+ng she had nothing else to do, from day to day, but stand behind the counter and sell them.

"This accomplished, she went home to breakfast. There sat Jeremiah, in a chair, in the middle of the room, with one side of his beard shaved off, and the lather drying on the remainder, trotting a little blue-looking wretch, in a yellow flannel night-gown, who was rubbing some soft gingerbread into his bosom with his little fists, by way of amus.e.m.e.nt. The coffee had boiled over into the ashes, and Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon Buonaparte Stubbs were stirring up the miniature pond with Jeremiah's razor. James Madison was still between the sheets, vociferating loudly for 'his breakfast.'

"Looking with a curious eye over the pile of scorched toast for a piece that was eatable, Keziah commenced her breakfast, referring her interesting young family to their paternal derivative for a supply of their numerous wants. At last he placed a cup of muddy coffee before him, congratulating himself that his labors were ended, when the baby, considering it an invasion of his rights, made a dive at it, and he sprang from his chair with the scalding contents dripping from his unwhisperables, and--a word that church-members don't use--hissing from between his teeth.

"Calm as a summer morning, Keziah replaced her time-worn straw upon her head, telling Jerry that her children must be prepared for school at nine o'clock, the room must be swept and righted, the breakfast things washed, the potatoes boiled, and the mince-meat prepared for dinner by twelve. Her husband grinned a ghastly smile, and told her 'that was easy done.' No such thing. The comb couldn't be found; he had to wipe James Madison's presidential phiz-mahogany on the corner of the table-cloth. Napoleon Buonaparte's pinafore had been used to wipe the dishes; Thomas Jefferson had rejoiced twice in a pair of boxed ears, for devouring the contents of the sugar-bowl; and that little yellow flannel night-gown was clutching at his heels, every step he took over the floor.

"Miserable Jeremiah! didn't you wish you were a woman? Well, 'time and tide wait for no man.' Twelve o'clock came, and so did Keziah. Her husband would rather have seen the ---- hem! The bed was unmade, the children's hair stood up 'seven ways of a Sunday,' the cat was devouring the meat, the baby had the chopping-knife, and Napoleon Buonaparte was playing ball with the potatoes.

"Jeremiah's desire for immediate emanc.i.p.ation overcame his pride, and pa.s.sing his arms _half-way_ around Keziah's waist, (it was so large that he always made a chalk mark where he left off embracing, that he might know where to begin again,) he told her she was an angel, and he was a poor miserable wretch, and was ready to acknowledge his mistake.

Keziah very quietly withdrew from his arm, told him the bargain was made for the day, and she would change works at night; and treating herself to a piece of bread and b.u.t.ter, she departed. Jerry sat for a minute looking into the fire, then reaching down a huge parcel of maple-sugar, he put it on the floor, and seating all the young hopefuls round it, turned the key on them and the scene of his cares, mounted his beaver on his aching head, and rushed to ----'s for a _whiskey punch_! The room was nice and tidy, the fire was comfortable, the punch was _strong_, and Jeremiah was _weak_. He woke _about dark_, from troubled dreams of broomsticks and curtain lectures, and not having sufficient courage to encounter their fulfilment, has left Keziah to the glorious independence of a '_California widow_.'"