Waiting To Be Heard - A Memoir Part 40

To my tremendous relief, the guards steered me to the table where Carlo and Luciano were sitting. My lawyers and I were on the far right, with Raffaele less than ten feet away, at the next table. The prosecution sat on the far left, with the civil attorneys for the Kerchers and Patrick at a table behind them.

In the United States, civil and criminal trials are held separately; in Italy, they're combined. The Italians clearly believe their jurors can compartmentalize-the same eight people decide all the verdicts. Moreover, jury members are not screened for bias, nor guarded from outside influence. The government was trying Raffaele and me for five crimes: murder, illegally carrying a knife, rape, theft, simulating a robbery, and a sixth just for me: slander. The Kerchers, believing Raffaele and I had killed their daughter, were suing both of us for 5 million-about $6.4 million-1 million for each of Meredith's five family members, to compensate for their loss and emotional anguish. Patrick Lumumba was suing me for slander for a yet to be determined amount. The owner of the villa was suing me for 10,000 for damages and lost rent.

Some evidence, including my 5:45 A.M. "confession," when I confusedly described Patrick as the murderer, wasn't allowed to be introduced in the criminal case. At that moment I had already officially became a suspect and had a right to a lawyer. The same evidence could be, and was, discussed in front of the jury in the civil cases.

The way the Italian justice system works is that during deliberations, each of the judges and jurors gets to say what he or she believes the sentence should be-from nothing to life imprisonment. Unlike in the United States, where the decision has to be unanimous, what's required in Italy is a majority consensus-the maximum sentence supported by at least five jurors.

I sank into a big, plush chair sandwiched between Carlo and my court-appointed interpreter, who'd been brought in because I was being tried in Italian. We stood as soon as the court secretary summoned the court to order, announcing, "La corte"-"the court." I was thankful that the arrival of the judges and the jury took the focus off me.

I began the trial with mixed emotions. The pretrial had so squashed my hope of being released that I dreaded what could come next. But my intense natural optimism, unhampered by logic or media predictions, helped ease my despair.

Carlo and Luciano had prepped me for a long trial, but I discounted that, too. Surely the trial would be speedy, and Raffaele and I would be found innocent, because we were innocent. And the court was obligated to be just. I'd spent fourteen months in prison. I couldn't allow myself to believe that I'd spend several more bouncing between courtroom and cell.

I was nave.

It took hearing only a few sentences for me to know that the interpreter was giving me the condensed version. The one plus to prison was that my Italian had improved so much that I could think in the language. I decided not to use her anymore. My lawyers could explain what I didn't understand.

The first thing discussed was the motive. The prosecution's simple story was absolutely false, but it apparently rang true for the authorities. They added flourishes in the course of the trial-Meredith was smarter, prettier, more popular, neater, and less into drugs and s.e.x than I was. For some of or all these reasons, she was a better person, and I, unable to compete, had hated her for it. I had cut her throat in rage and revenge. It was idiotic.

Mignini relied heavily on the testimony of Meredith's British girlfriends. Robyn b.u.t.terworth testified that my unconventional behavior had made Meredith uneasy. The others agreed-they said I brought male friends over, didn't know to use the toilet brush, and was too out in the open about s.e.x. Small details built up to become towering walls that my defense team couldn't scale. I was done in by a prank gift and my unfamiliarity with Italian plumbing.

Questioning Robyn, Mignini said, "Do you remember if Meredith said Amanda left certain objects in the bathroom?"

"Yes, actually I saw these objects myself," Robyn responded. "In the bathroom there was a beauty case with condoms and a vibrator and other objects. Meredith told us it was a little strange, she felt uncomfortable, because Amanda had left them where anyone could see them."

"So it was Meredith who told you what was in the beauty case?" Mignini prompted her.

"Yes," Robyn answered.

"Was Meredith irritated with Amanda over this?"

"Not really, but it seemed a little strange; it seemed strange to her more than anything else."

I was making notes when each witness spoke, to help prepare Carlo or Luciano for his cross-examination. I'd scribble comments like "That's not true" or "I don't get what she's saying, because it didn't happen the way she's describing." Then my lawyers would weave that into their questioning. They'd explained before the trial began that I was allowed to make spontaneous declarations but had asked me to trust them to get our points across instead of interrupting the court proceedings. They reminded me that I'd have my day when I testified.

My frustration doubled when Robyn talked about the bunny vibrator. I had to clarify this. When Brett gave it to me, TV shows like Friends and s.e.x and the City were an American obsession, with characters using vibrators as gags. The prosecution put the emphasis on s.e.x-and me. The vibrator was proof that I was s.e.x-obsessed-and proof that my behavior had bothered Meredith.

I leaned over to Luciano. "I want to say something," I whispered.

Luciano cleared his throat. "My client would like to make a spontaneous declaration," he announced.

"Please go ahead," the judge directed me.

I stood. "Good morning, Judge," I began. I was suddenly burning up, even on that cold February day. "I want to briefly clarify this question of the beauty case that should still be in my bathroom. This vibrator exists. It was a joke, a gift from a girlfriend before I arrived in Italy. It's a little pink bunny about this long ..."

I held up my thumb and index finger to demonstrate.

"About this long?" Judge Giancarlo Ma.s.sei said, holding up two fingers to clarify.

"Yes," I said, turning red with embarra.s.sment.

"Ten centimeters [four inches]," he said for the court record.

"I also want to say that I'm innocent, and I trust that everything will come out, that everything will work out. Thank you."

I remember thinking while I was speaking, Oh my G.o.d, I hope I don't sound as stupid as I think I do. I sat down fast.

I wasn't making excuses for the vibrator. I just wanted to put it into perspective-that it was a gag gift, not to be taken seriously, and that Meredith had never complained about it to me.

In my rush to explain and my uncertainty over what I was allowed to bring up, I didn't stop to think that this was the first time most of the people in the courtroom would be hearing me speak. I should have clarified which friends I'd invited to the house-I had s.e.x at the villa with only one guy. The rest of the friends I'd brought over were just that, friends, and I didn't bring them over in the middle of the night. Most important, I should have talked about my friends.h.i.+p with Meredith.

I didn't know yet that I was allowed to contradict witnesses whose testimony was wrong.

Now, instead of dispelling the notion of me as a s.e.x fiend, I had burned it into the jury's and the public's consciousness.

In my fl.u.s.tered state, the only thing I did well was express my faith in the court. My lawyers had told me that I couldn't hope for justice for myself if I appeared to distrust the Italian legal system.

I wasn't sure I had faith in Italian justice, but what choice did I have? I had to believe things were going to turn out well for me.

It did seem I'd won a small victory when Mignini questioned my former housemate Filomena. She insisted that Meredith and I got along fine and hadn't had a falling-out-only that we'd "developed different personal interests." She didn't make a big deal over the friends I brought home.

Other parts of Filomena's testimony irked me. When Mignini asked how we divided up ch.o.r.es in the villa, she said that we took turns. "Turns were not always respected," she added.

"Who didn't respect them?" Mignini asked.

"Amanda a few times didn't respect them," Filomena replied.

Filomena can't be saying this, I thought, straining not to blurt out my disbelief. Laura had drawn up a cleaning chart only a couple of days before Meredith's murder-my day hadn't even come up yet-and the prosecutor was trying to build a case that I was careless and inconsiderate. Filomena must have thought I was slack about cleaning, and this never-before-stated resentment hurt my feelings.

Because of our age difference and the language barrier, Filomena was the housemate I knew the least. In the short time we'd lived together, she'd acted big-sisterly toward me, and we'd gotten along well. I'd felt truly content when my three housemates and I had sat around with the guys from downstairs after lunch or dinner, pa.s.sing a joint, chatting, and laughing. Smoking pot was one of the ways we socialized together. But when Raffaele's lawyer Luca Maori cross-examined her about her drug use, Filomena rewrote our shared history. "To tell you the truth, I sinned once," she said, looking down at her lap. "I sinned."

I felt a stab of anger.

"We are all sinners," Maori sympathized.

"I sinned," Filomena repeated.

"So you've used it once?" Maori asked.

"Yes."

It was painful for me to realize that Filomena seemed to care more about her reputation than about how her insincerity would reflect on me as I stood trial for murder. Laura and Filomena had always bought the marijuana for the villa's personal use. But when Filomena shrugged her shoulders helplessly on the stand, she made it seem that the only reason marijuana was in the house was because of me.

What bothered me most wasn't what she said. I watched her carefully the whole time she was testifying. Whether it was because she thought I was guilty or because she felt ashamed for what she'd said, she never looked at me.

During her testimony a week later, Laura also avoided eye contact-and it was every bit as hurtful. But I was pleased that, at least under questioning, she didn't make it seem that my behavior had been out of step with the rest of the house. When Mignini brought up names of guys who'd come over, Laura replied, "Those are my friends." When he asked if anyone in the villa smoked marijuana, she said, "Everyone."

Then the prosecutor mentioned the hickey Raffaele had given me when we were fooling around the night of November 1. "Did you see if Amanda had an injury, a scratch, some wound?" he asked her.