Fifty Shades Darker Part 53

Ethan is a joy to see after all the angst of yesterday and the bad temper my boss is in- ficting on me today, but all too soon, he's saying his good-byes.

"Will I see you this evening?"

"I'll probably stay with Christian." I fush.

"You have got it bad," Ethan observes good-naturedly.

I shrug. That's not the half of it, and in that moment I realize, I have it more than bad.

I have it for life. And amazingly, Christian seems to feel the same. Ethan gives me a swift hug.

"Laters, Ana."

I return to my desk, wrestling with my realization. Oh, what I would do for a day on my own, to just think all this through.

"Where have you been?" Jack is suddenly looming over me.

"I had some business to attend to in reception." He is really getting on my nerves.

"I want my lunch. The usual," he says abruptly and stomps back into his offce.

Why didn't I stay home with Christian? My inner G.o.ddess crosses her arms and purses her lips; she wants to know the answer to that one, too. Picking up my purse and my Black- berry, I head for the door. I check my messages.

From: Christian Grey Subject: Missing you Date: June 15, 2011 09:06 To: Anastasia Steele My bed is too big without you.

Looks like I'll have to go to work after all.

Even megalomaniac CEOs need something to do.

xChristian Grey Twiddling His Thumbs CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

And there's another from him, from earlier this morning.

From: Christian Grey Subject: Discretion Date: June 15, 2011 09:50 To: Anastasia Steele Is the better part of valor.

Please use discretion ... your work e-mails are monitored.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?

Yes. Shouty capitals as you say. USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.

Dr. Flynn can see us tomorrow evening.

x Christian Grey Still p.i.s.sed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

And an even later one ... Oh no.

From: Christian Grey Subject: Crickets Date: June 15, 2011 12:15 To: Anastasia Steele I haven't heard from you.

Please tell me you are okay.

You know how I worry.

I will send Taylor to check!

x Christian Grey, Over-Anxious CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

I roll my eyes, and call him. I don't want him to worry.

"Christian Grey's phone, Andrea Parker speaking."

Oh. I am so disconcerted that it's not Christian who answers that it halts me in the street, and the young man behind me mutters angrily as he swerves to avoid b.u.mping into me. I stand under the green awning of the deli."h.e.l.lo? Can I help you?" Andrea flls the void of awkward silence.

"Sorry ... Er ... I was hoping to speak to Christian-"

"Mr. Grey is in a meeting at the moment." She bristles with effciency. "Can I take a message?"

"Can you tell him Ana called?"

"Ana? As in Anastasia Steele?"

"Er ... Yes." Her question confuses me.

"Hold one second please, Miss Steele."

I listen attentively as she puts the phone down, but I can't tell what's going on. A few seconds later Christian is on the line. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fne."

I hear the quick release of his held breath. He's relieved.

"Christian, why wouldn't I be okay?" I whisper rea.s.suringly.

"You're normally so quick at responding to my e-mails. After what I told you yester- day, I was worried," he says quietly, and then he's talking to someone in his offce.

"No, Andrea. Tell them to wait," he says sternly. Oh, I know that tone of voice.

I can't hear Andrea's response.

"No. I said wait," he snaps.

"Christian, you're obviously busy. I only called to let you know that I'm okay, and I mean that-just very busy today. Jack has been cracking the whip. Er ... I mean ..." I fush and fall silent.

Christian says nothing for a moment.

"Cracking the whip, eh? Well, there was a time when I would have called him a lucky man." His voice is full of dry humor. "Don't let him get on top of you, baby."

"Christian!" I scold him and I know he's grinning.

"Just watch him, that's all. Look, I'm glad you're okay. What time shall I collect you?"

"I'll e-mail you."

"From your Blackberry," he says sternly.

"Yes, Sir," I snap back.

"Laters, baby."

"Bye ..."

He's still hanging on.

"Hang up," I scold, smiling.

He sighs heavily down the phone. "I wish you'd never gone to work this morning."

"Me, too. But I am busy. Hang up."

"You hang up." I hear his smile. Oh, playful Christian. I love playful Christian.

Hmm ... I love Christian, period.

"We've been here before."

"You're biting your lip."

s.h.i.+t, he's right. How does he know?

"You see, you think I don't know you, Anastasia. But I know you better than you think," he murmurs seductively in that way that makes me weak, and wet.

"Christian, I'll talk to you later. Right now, I really wish I hadn't left this morning, too.""I'll wait for your e-mail, Miss Steele."

"Good day, Mr. Grey."

Hanging up, I lean against the cold, hard gla.s.s of the deli store window. Oh my, even on the phone he owns me. Shaking my head to clear it of all thoughts Grey, I head into the deli, depressed by all thoughts Jack.

He is scowling when I get back.

"Is it okay if I take my lunch now?" I ask tentatively. He gazes up at me and his scowl deepens.

"If you must," he snaps. "Forty-fve minutes. Make up the time you lost this morning."

"Jack, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"You seem, kind of out of sorts today. Have I done something to offend you?"

He blinks at me momentarily. "I don't think I'm in the mood to list your misdemeanors right now. I'm busy." He continues to stare at his computer screen, effectively dismissing me.

Whoa ... What have I done?

I turn and leave his offce, and for a moment I think I'm going to cry. Why has he taken such a sudden and intense dislike to me? A very unwelcome idea pops into my head, but I ignore it. I don't need his s.h.i.+t right now-I have enough of my own.

I head out of the building to the nearby Starbucks, order a latte, and sit down in the window. Taking my iPod from my purse, I plug my headphones in. I choose a song haphaz- ardly and press repeat so it will play over and over again. I need music to think by.

My mind drifts. Christian the s.a.d.i.s.t. Christian the submissive. Christian the untouch- able. Christian's oedipal impulses. Christian bathing Leila. I groan and close my eyes while that last image haunts me.

Can I really marry this man? He's so much to take in. He's complex and diffcult, but deep down I know I don't want to leave him despite all his issues. I could never leave him.

I love him. It would be like cutting off my right arm.

Right now, I have never felt so alive, so vital. I've encountered all manner of perplex- ing, profound feelings and new experiences since I met him. It's never a dull moment with Fifty.

Looking back on my life before Christian, it's as if everything was in black and white like Jose's pictures. Now my whole world is in rich, bright, saturated color. I am soaring in a beam of dazzling light, Christian's dazzling light. I am still Icarus, fying too close to his sun. I snort to myself. Flying with Christian-who can resist a man who can fy?

Can I give him up? Do I want to give him up? It's as if he's fipped a switch and lit me up from within. It's been an education knowing him. I have discovered more about myself in the last few weeks than ever before. I've learned about my body, my hard limits, my soft limits, my tolerance, my patience, my compa.s.sion, and my capacity for love.

And it strikes me like a thunderbolt-that's what he needs from me, what he's ent.i.tled to-unconditional love. He never received it from the crack wh.o.r.e-it's what he needs. Can I love him unconditionally? Can I accept him for who he is regardless of his revela- tions last night?

I know he's damaged, but I don't think he's irredeemable. I sigh, recalling Taylor's words. "He's a good man, Miss Steele."

I've seen the weighty evidence of his goodness-his charity work, his business ethics, his generosity-and yet he doesn't see it in himself. He doesn't feel deserving of any love.

Given his history and his predilections, I have an inkling of his self-loathing-that's why he's never let anyone in. Can I get past this?

He said once that I couldn't begin to understand the depths of his depravity. Well, he's told me now, and given the frst few years of his life, it doesn't surprise me. Though it was still a shock to hear it out loud. At least he's told me-and he seems happier now that he has. I know everything.

Does it devalue his love for me? No, I don't think so. He's never felt this way before and neither have I. In truth we've both come so far.

Tears p.r.i.c.k and pool in my eyes as I recall his fnal barriers crumbling last night when he let me touch him. Jeez, it took Leila and all her crazy to get us to there.

Perhaps I should be grateful. The fact that he bathed her is not quite such a bitter taste on my tongue now. I wonder which clothes he gave her. I hope it wasn't the plum dress. I liked that.

So can I love this man with all his issues unconditionally? Because he deserves nothing less. He still needs to learn boundaries and little things like empathy, and to be less control- ling. He says he no longer feels the compulsion to hurt me; perhaps Dr. Flynn will be able to cast some light on that.

Fundamentally, that's what concerns me most-that he needs that and has always found like-minded women who need it, too. I frown. Yes, this is the rea.s.surance I need. I want to be all things to this man, his Alpha and his Omega and all things in between be- cause he is to me.

I hope Flynn will have the answers, and maybe then I can say yes. Christian and I can fnd our own slice of heaven close to the sun.

I gaze out at bustling, lunchtime Seattle. Mrs. Christian Grey-who would have thought? I glance at my watch. s.h.i.+t! I leap up from my seat and dash to the door-a whole hour of just sitting-where did the time go? Jack is going to go ballistic!

I slink back to my desk. Fortunately, he's not in his offce. It looks like I've got away with it. I gaze intently at my computer screen, unseeing, trying to rea.s.semble my thoughts into work mode.

"Where were you?"

I jump. Jack is standing, arms folded, behind me.