Starseed. Part 29

"No. Come." Kaila texted.

"We OK," Pia texted back.

Kaila sighed. She was but one person; she could not save the whole world. Plus, now, she would not leave Paw Paw. There was no need to put a mind-screen on her family regarding her absence at school, for now they wanted her home.

She slept on the sofa in her jeans and t-s.h.i.+rt, called Lucy and Woofy up next to her. She wrapped her arms around Lucy's soft black fur, cradling her head next to hers.

She dozed, with one eye open, listening. The grandfather clock tick-tocked and chimed on the hour. Every three hours, Kaila rose, filled the dropper with morphine, and put it inside Paw Paw's cheek.

"Sleep," she said, caressing his bald head. He dully tried to shake his head. She marveled at his pride and resolve as his life slipped away.

She did this for three days, refusing food and care.

"Leave me alone!" she said to her mother, who begged her to eat and shower.

She was on death watch and everyone knew it. She was the one who had the strength to do this. And everyone knew that too.

At three a.m. Kaila rose, filled the eyedropper with morphine. Determined that Paw Paw would never feel pain again, she inserted the dropper inside his cheek, softly rubbing.

She felt numb, a robot. She had to stuff her emotion; she had to function. Just think and perform . . . just like them . . . no, don't think it!

Kaila lay down on the sofa. Paw Paw's snores deepened, resonant and long with a pause, like the blankness between words in a sentence. Where was that s.p.a.ce? She dozed, delirious, not having slept in days. That s.p.a.ce beckoned. Quiet. Solitude. Peace.

She slipped into a superficial slumber, ever listening.

And then, all grew quiet. A deathly silence filled the room. Kaila was so exhausted she couldn't open her eyes.

She felt like the Caribbean sun shone above. It enfolded her with warmth. She saw Paw Paw when he was younger and strong. He was smiling, radiant, infused with golden light.

I am so happy, he said.

Kaila opened her eyes. It was silent. Paw Paw was not snoring anymore. She ran to the stretcher.

"Nan, Mom!" she shouted. She ran to the stairwell. "Come down here! Now!"

Nan, Lee, and Mike scrambled down the stairs in their bathrobes.

They cl.u.s.tered around Paw Paw on the stretcher. Kaila placed her palm on Paw Paw's forehead. He drew in an inhalation, then deeply exhaled.

"Oh," Nan gasped. "His last breath." She started to cry.

"Stop that," Kaila said. "Paw Paw," she said, nuzzling her face next to her grandfather's. "I know you can hear me. Don't worry about us. Go. Go!"

She cradled her cheek against her Paw Paw's withered face.

As she closed her eyes, she again saw Paw Paw smiling. Felt his warmth and his love, the wholeness of himself in spirit.

What will you do? he asked.

"Oh, Paw Paw," she said. "Don't worry. We will be okay."

She felt his light, his spirit evacuating his body.

Her mother started shaking and sobbing.

"Stop that," Kaila said, instinctively knowing that grief might bind a spirit to earth.

Mike put his arm around Lee, pressing his lips together, not knowing what to do.

"Go," Kaila urged Paw Paw, keeping her hand on his forehead, her cheek to his.

Then, emerging from his emaciated body, Paw Paw's spirit lifted. He hovered near the stretcher, smiling and luminescent. He embraced Kaila with his golden light. His spirit held her, infusing her with a love so profound and true, she was dumbstruck.

A long corridor opened.

"Don't look at me," she managed to say. "Go. Don't look back."

She felt him floating and enveloping her with a love she'd never known possible. Its purity and power made her dizzy.

"I love you, Paw Paw," she said through blurry vision. "Go on now. Git!"

He smiled at her, radiant. I'll love you forever, Goosy. He turned, raced through the open corridor toward the light. His spirit merged with the light. The corridor closed and disappeared.

Then all was still.

Kaila kept her hand on Paw Paw's forehead, her cheek cradled to his.

"Kaila," Lee prodded after minutes had pa.s.sed.

She didn't want to let go. She kept her face pressed against her grandfather's till she realized that his flesh was still and growing cold. It was silent except for the ticking of the grandfather clock.

Kaila lifted her head, looked at them. "He's gone," she said.

In true Southern style, Nan pulled out the wine. She poured everyone a gla.s.s. They went outside and sat on the porch.

It was Sunday morning. Birds chirped and flew across the sky.

"I always knew he'd leave me on a Sunday," Nan said, weeping and sipping her wine.

"That's cause he knew how much you love your church," Lee said. She swallowed deeply of her wine. "It's a message he'll see you again."

They looked out at the fields and the pond and the morning sky, pondering life without Paw Paw.

"It's a beautiful day," Mike said, not knowing what to say.

The sun shone, the sky cloudless. Yet grief clung to them.

"I saw him," Kaila said.

"I know you did, my sweetheart," Lee said, leaning her thin body against hers.

"We all felt it," Nan said. "Lord, I loved that man." Her eyes welled with tears beneath her protective green hat. "I'll see him in heaven one day."

Then they all lowered their heads and wept.

Chapter 14.

Kaila lay on her bed in her room, the draperies closed. Paw Paw was gone. Jordyn was gone. She thought of him and ached. She remembered his touch, his arms, his lips on hers.

She succ.u.mbed to the grief she'd bottled inside. She cried and cried and cried.

I never want to get up again. I want to die.

Nothing could a.s.suage the hole in her heart, nor still the icy winds casting gray sediment over the moon of her soul. She'd always be alone, betrayed by cruelty and death. She wanted desperately to follow Paw Paw to that place of spirit and light.

Kaila prayed. Please take me. I don't want to live anymore. I have nothing and no one. I want to go. There is nothing but pain here. Take me now.

There was a buzzing in her ears. He was coming. Her beloved Jordyn. Then, he stood by her bed. He was there, beside her, for real.

He looked terrible. Bags bulged below his huge eyes and he hadn't shaved. His small mouth opened in alarm seeing Kaila. He lay down next to her on the bed, wrapping her in his arms.

She wanted to protest but was too gripped with grief to care. She wanted to pretend it was like before. . .before she found out everything. She closed her eyes and melted into his arms.

"He died," Kaila said.

"I know," he said.

"You do?

"Yes. I saw. I was here."

"What do you mean you were here?"

Kaila grew enraged having him witness such a deeply personal moment. And that he might have been feeding- "It was," Jordyn said, "the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

"What do you mean?" How could any of this be beautiful?

"I watched you. You were so strong. I was proud of you."

Kaila quieted.

"And I watched through the end. Saw what you saw. I saw his essence lift, saw his energy, felt his . . . I don't know what to call it."

"Spirit?" Kaila said.

"But I saw it," Jordyn said. "Same as you. Saw this force lift out of his body. And he had more energy and peace than he ever did alive. I know you saw that too."

They were still.

"And I saw you telling everyone to be quiet about their hurt so that he could concentrate on going toward that light. I saw that light. I saw it through you. And I saw it in you. And I realized . . ." He drew her to him. "That I don't know many things."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know if we weren't told or if, oh Kaila, I don't know if there's a mind-screen on us too."

"I don't want to hear about your d.a.m.ned mind-screens," Kaila shouted, pus.h.i.+ng him away. Her rage burst up like a rocket. "You could have saved him and you didn't. You were too concerned with me abducting people for your s.h.i.+tty program. Get out!"

"No Kaila, please listen," Jordyn begged. "What I'm trying to say is that we may be controlled as much as we control."

"I don't care," Kaila shrieked. "You deserve it."

"I've missed you," he said. "Please be with me." He clung to her. "Please, I beg you. No talk. Just a moment to hold each other."

Weakened from despair and grief, Kaila relented and let him hold her. She wanted to pretend it was like before . . . before she knew. She wanted to kiss him and kill him.

Sighing, she closed her eyes. She nuzzled her head against the crook of his shoulder. He lifted his thigh atop hers. How perfectly their bodies fit together. Why couldn't things be good? Why did Paw Paw have to die?

Then, Kaila had an idea.

"Hey," she said. "You remember when Toby did the hologram on Mike and fixed his leg?"

"Mmmm," he said. "Oh, you feel so good, Kaila. I've missed you."

"Can you fix my Paw Paw like you fixed Mike? Can you bring him back?"

Jordyn stiffened. "This is way more than repairing the body. This has to do with something that I don't understand."

"I don't believe you," Kaila said, sitting up.

"I can't," Jordyn implored, reaching for her.

"You could if you wanted to!"

"Kaila-"

"You can travel across s.p.a.ce and time and make people think and do anything. Why can't you do this?"

"I can't, I really can't."

Rage coiled in Kaila's belly burning like hot coals.