Fashionable Philosophy, and Other Sketches Part 9

_Lord G_. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, wait a moment, my dear Gresham, or you'll kill me with laughing. It's the best joke I ever heard in my life, and most cleverly executed. So you caught the Radical, Comtist, aesthetic little minx in her own trap. Oh, excellent! I can't say how thoroughly Lady Gules and I congratulate you on the success of your ruse, and how happy you have made us. My lady there is too pleased with the probable result to quarrel about the means. But how you did take us all in! I give you my word I never suspected you for a moment. Your stammer and wig were both admirable. As for Elaine, she's torturing her brain with metaphysical doubts as to the nature of love, and says she will never love again. She tells her mother that her Adolphus was an ideal personage who has no longer existence, and that her love is buried with him; but here she comes, so we will leave you to fight your own battle.

[_Exeunt_ Lord _and_ Lady Gules.

_Enter_ Elaine.

_Ad_. Dear Elaine.

_El_. Sir!

_Ad_. Nay, rather Adolphus than sir.

_El_. How can I say Adolphus? there is no Adolphus.

_Ad_. Indeed there is--[_producing wig and spectacles_]--pup-pup-pardon me while I put them on. If it was only my wig and spectacles you cared about, did-did-dearest, I will wear them and stammer through life fuf-fuf- for your sake.

_El_. Oh, Mr Gresham, how can you be so heartless? You know very well I loved you--at least I didn't love you,--I mean, I thought I loved Adolphus--at least I was sure of it at the time; but I'm sure I don't now. Oh, how cruel of you!

_Ad_. But if it was not my wig and spectacles and stammer for which you felt a magnetic affinity, I want to know exactly what it was you did love; because I am precisely the same human being without them as with them. What about me struck that mysterious chord of sympathy which vibrated in your affections when I was Plumper, which failed to strike it as Gresham? Why should not our hearts still beat in sweet accord without my wig? Why should not "this exquisite garment, which we have both worn--[_takes up the dress, which is lying on a chair in the corner_]--be the symbol of that internal robe which costumes our united souls, woven from the texture of our affections," without my spectacles?

_El_. Mr Gresham, how dare you talk such nonsense? The texture of our affections indeed! mine are dead--basely, foully murdered. Oh, was ever woman so cruelly humiliated?

_Ad_. Nay, Elaine, I merely wished to prove to you that your aversion for me was entirely unfounded. You have proved to me that your love for Adolphus, in the abstract, is as baseless and unsubstantial. I am not sorry under the circ.u.mstances that it should have been murdered, for it was a poor exotic. Let us not attempt to a.n.a.lyse the mysterious nature of that pa.s.sion which is too precious a plant to tear up by the roots in order to discover the origin of its existence, but learn rather from this lesson, so painful to us both, that there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of even in the philosophy of Comte, the doctrines of the aesthete, or the politics of Mr Gladstone. And now, Elaine, farewell,--this time you need not fear my coming back from Naples.

[_Moves towards the door and lingers_.]

[Elaine _puts her face between her hands and sobs convulsively_.

_Ad_. Elaine, dear Elaine [_returns softly and takes her hand_], do you wish me to go?

[Elaine _shakes her head_.

_Ad_. Do you wish me to stay?

[Elaine _shakes her head_.

_Ad_. What do you wish me to do? I must do either one or the other.

Shall I stay and go alternately, or shall we make a fresh start, without prejudice, as the lawyers say?

_El_. Oh, how heartlessly you talk! What do I care what the lawyers say? Can't you see how miserable I am, and how hollow everything seems all at once? I don't believe in any one, and I don't feel as if I knew anything, except that love is an inexplicable phenomenon of matter. I shall become an agnostic.

_Re-enter_ Lord _and_ Lady Gules.

_Lord G_. Well, have you two young people come to an understanding? Take my word for it, Elaine, an ounce of practice is worth a pound of theory in love-affairs, and be thankful if the man is willing to become your husband, who has had sufficient common-sense to teach you the lesson.

Holloa! whom have we here?

_Enter_ Charles _with cards_.

_Lord G_. [_reads_]. "Dr and Mrs Plumper and Mr Flamm, to inquire for Lady Elaine Bendore." Oho! our friend Plumper seems to know the difference between theory and practice at any rate, and is evidently anxious to extend the latter. [_To_ Charles.] Show them up.

_Ad_. I called upon the Plumpers this morning, and explained the whole affair to the entire satisfaction of the worthy couple.

[Adolphus _and_ Lady Elaine _whisper apart_.

_Lord G_. I have to thank you, Dr Plumper, for the timely a.s.sistance you rendered my daughter--first, in nearly sending her into a fit, and then in bringing her out of it; and am glad of this opportunity of expressing my sense of the obligation I am under to Mrs Plumper and Mr Flamm.

_Dr P_. Oh, don't mention it, my lord; I am sure I was only too gug-gug- glad to be of any a.s.sistance to Mr Gresham by being so like him as to frighten the young lady into a fif-fif-fit. And as for bringing her to--I always take the sal-volatile in my pup-pup-pup-pocket on Mrs Plumper's account.

_Ad_. And you'll accept me, Elaine, as your husband, even though I don't abandon my political aspirations, or introduce aesthetic principles into _Kindergartens_, or adopt the philosophy of Comte?

_El_. [_giving him her hand_]. Oh, Adolphus, you have convinced me that the loftiest of all aspirations, the purest of all principles, the supremest of all philosophies, is--

_Ad_. A-dod-dod-dolphus!