Return From The Stars Part 19

"You think I ought to hightail it?"

"I don't think anything. But when I see you lose control of yourself, just a little, as you did a moment ago. . . then. . ."

"Then?"

"Then I begin to wonder."

"I don't want to go away. You know what? I won't budge from here. And if. . ."

"What?"

"Never mind. That robot, at the service station, what did it say? When will the car be ready? Was it tomorrow or today? I've forgotten."

"Tomorrow morning."

"Good. Look: it's getting dark. We've chatted away the entire afternoon."

"G.o.d preserve us from such chats!"

"I was joking. Shall we go for a swim?"

"No. I'd like to read. Can you give me something?"

"Take whatever you want. Do you know how to work those grains of gla.s.s?"

"Yes. I hope you don't have that. . . that reading device with the sugary voice."

"No, all I have is an opton."

"Fine. I'll take it. You'll be in the pool?"

"Yes. But I'll go upstairs with you. I have to change."

I gave him a few books, mostly history, and one thing on the stabilization of population dynamics, since that interested him. And biology, with a long article on betrization. As for me, I started to change but couldn't find my trunks. I had mislaid them somewhere. No sign of them. I took Olaf's black trunks, put on my bathrobe, and went outside.

The sun had already set. From the west a bank of clouds was moving in, extinguis.h.i.+ng the brighter part of the sky. I threw my robe on the sand, cool now after the heat of the day. I sat down, let my toes dangle in the water. The conversation had disturbed me more than I cared to admit. Arder's death stuck in me like a splinter. Olaf may have been right. Perhaps it was only the claim of a memory that had never been reconciled. . .

I got up and made a flat dive, without any spring, head down. The water was warm. I had braced myself for cold and was taken by surprise. I surfaced. Too warm, like swimming in soup. I had just climbed out on the opposite side, leaving dark wet hand marks on the rail, when something pierced me in the heart. The story of Arder had carried me into a different world, but now, possibly because the water was warm -- was supposed to be warm -- I remembered the girl, and it was as if I had remembered something horrible, a misfortune that I could not overcome, yet had to.

And it may have been only my imagination. I examined the idea uncertainly, hunched over in the growing dusk. I could hardly see my own body, my tan hid me in the darkness. The clouds now filled the sky, and unexpectedly, too soon, it was night. From the house, a whiteness approached. Her bathing cap. Panic seized me. I got up slowly. I intended simply to run away, but she spotted me against the sky.

"Mr. Bregg?" she said in a small voice.

"It's me. You want to swim? I am in the way. I'm leaving. . ."

"Why? You are not bothering me. Is the water warm?"

"Yes. For my taste, too warm," I said. She walked to the edge and jumped in lightly. I saw only her silhouette. Her bathing suit was dark. A splash. She surfaced near my feet.

"Terrible!" she cried, spitting out water. "What has he done? Some cold ought to be let in. Do you know how?"

"No. But I'll find out in a moment."

I dived over her head. I swam down, low, until I could touch the bottom, and I began to swim along it, touching the concrete every now and then. Underwater, as is usually the case, it was a little brighter than in the air, so that I was able to locate the inflow pipes. They were in the wall opposite the house. I swam to the surface, somewhat out of breath, since I had been under for a while.

"Bregg!" I heard her voice.

"Here. What's wrong?"

"I was frightened. . ." she said, more quietly.

"Of what?"

"You were gone so long."

"I know where it is now. We'll have it fixed in no time!" I called out and ran to the house. I could have spared myself the heroic dive; the taps were in full view, on a column near the veranda. I turned on the cold water and returned to the pool.

"It's done. You'll have to wait a little."

"Yes."

She stood below the springboard, I at the shallow end of the pool, as if I feared to draw near. Then I walked toward her, slowly, as though unintentionally. My eyes had grown accustomed to the dark. I was able to make out the features of her face. She regarded the water. Was very pretty in her white cap. And seemed taller without her clothes.

I stood like a post beside her; the situation grew awkward. Perhaps that is why I suddenly sat down. Clod! I berated myself. But I could think of nothing to say. The clouds thickened, it grew darker, but it did not look like rain. Quite cool.

"Are you cold?"

"No. Mr. Bregg?"

"Yes?"

"The water doesn't seem to be rising. . ."

"Because I opened the outlet. That ought to be enough. I'll close it."

While I was coming back from the house it occurred to me that I could call out to Olaf. I nearly laughed aloud: it was so stupid. I was afraid of her.

I dived in flat and surfaced.

"There. Unless I overdid it -- just tell me, I can let in some warm."

The water was visibly lower now, because the outlet was still open. The girl -- I saw her slender shadow against the clouds -- seemed to hesitate. Perhaps she no longer wanted to, perhaps she would go back; the thought flashed through me, and I felt a kind of relief. At that moment she jumped, feet first, and gave a faint cry, because the water was quite shallow there now -- I hadn't had time to warn her. She must have hit bottom quite hard; she staggered but did not fall. I hurled myself toward her.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"No."

"It's my fault. I'm an idiot."

We were standing in water up to our waists. She began to swim. I climbed out, ran to the house, shut off the outlet, and returned. I did not see her anywhere. I got in quietly and swam the length of the pool, then turned on my back and, moving my arms gently, sank to the bottom. I opened my eyes, saw the delicately rippled dark-gla.s.s surface of the water. I drifted upward slowly, began to tread water, and saw her. She was standing on the same side of the pool. I swam over to her. The springboard was at the other end; here it was shallow, I touched bottom immediately. The water, which I pushed aside as I walked, splashed noisily. I saw her face; she was looking at me; whether it was the momentum of my last steps -- because if it is difficult to walk in water, it is not easy, either, to come to a sudden stop -- or something else, I don't know, but I found myself beside her. Perhaps nothing would have happened had she withdrawn, but she remained where she was, her hand on the first rung of the ladder, and I was too close now to speak, to take refuge in conversation. . .

I held her tightly. She was cold, slippery, like a fish, a strange, alien creature, and suddenly in this touch, so cool, lifeless -- for she did not move at all -- I found a place of heat, her mouth, I kissed her, I kissed and I kissed. . . It was utter madness. She did not defend herself. Did not resist at all, was as if dead. I held her arms, lifted up her face, I wanted to see her, to look into her eyes, but it was already so dark, I had to imagine them. She did not tremble. There was only throbbing -- from my heart or hers, I did not know. We stood like that, until slowly she began to free herself from my arms. I released her immediately. She went up the ladder. I followed her and again embraced her, from the side; she trembled. Now she trembled. I wanted to say something but could not find my voice. I just held her, pressed her to me, and we stood, and she freed herself again -- not pus.h.i.+ng me away, but as if I were not there at all. My arms dropped. She walked away. In the light that fell from my window I saw her pick up her robe and, without putting it on, start up the stairs. Lights were on at the door and in the hall. Drops of water gleamed on her shoulders and thighs. The door closed. She was gone.

I had -- for a second -- the urge to throw myself into the water and not come up. No, truly. Never before had such a thing entered my head. What served for a head. It all had been so senseless, impossible, and the worst of it was that I did not know what it meant and what I was supposed to do now. And why had she been that way. . . so. . . ? Had she been overwhelmed with fear? Ah, was it always fear, then, nothing but fear? It was something else. What? How could I discover what? Olaf. Then was I a fifteen-year-old kid, to kiss a girl and go running to him for advice?

Yes, I thought I would. I went toward the house, picked up my robe, brushed the sand from it. The hall was brightly lit. I approached her door. Perhaps she would let me in, I thought. If she let me in, I would stop caring about her. Perhaps. And perhaps that would be the end of it. Or I'd get a slap in the face. No. They were good, they were betrizated, they were not able. She would give me a gla.s.s of milk; it would do me a world of good. I must have stood there for five minutes -- and recalled the caves of Kereneia, the notorious hole Olaf had talked about. That wonderful hole! Probably an old volcano. Arder had got himself wedged between some boulders and could not get out, and the lava was rising. Not lava, actually; Venturi said it was a kind of geyser -- but that was later. Arder. . . We heard his voice. On the radio. I went down and pulled him out. G.o.d! I would have preferred that ten times over to this door. Not the slightest sound. Nothing.

If only the door had had a handle. Instead, a plate. Nothing like that on mine upstairs. I did not know whether it functioned somehow as a lock, or whether I should press it; I was still the savage from Kereneia.

I raised a hand and hesitated. And if the door did not open? I pictured my retreat: it would give me something to think about for a long time. And I felt that the longer I stood, the less strength I had, as though everything were oozing out of me. I touched the plate. It did not yield. I pressed harder.

"Is that you, Mr. Bregg?" I heard her voice. She must have been standing on the other side of the door.

"Yes."

Silence. A half a minute. A minute.

The door opened. She stood in the doorway. Wearing a fluffy housecoat. Her hair fell over the collar. Not until now, incredibly, did I see that it was chestnut.

The door, only ajar. She held it. When I stepped forward, she backed away. By itself, without a sound, the door closed behind me.

An suddenly I realized how this must look. She watched, motionless, pale, holding the edges of her robe together, and there I was, opposite her, dripping, naked, in Olaf's black trunks, my sandy robe in my hand -- gaping. . .

And at the thought, I broke into a smile. I shook out the robe. Put it on, fastened it, sat down. I noticed two wet marks where I had been standing before. But I had absolutely nothing to say. What could I say? Suddenly it came to me. Like an inspiration.

"You know who I am?"

"I know."

"Ah, you do? That's good. From the travel office?"

"No."

"It doesn't matter. I am. . . wild, do you know that?"

"Yes?"

"Yes. Terribly wild. What is your name?"

"You don't know?"

"Your first name."

"Eri."

"I am going to carry you off."

"What?"

"Yes. Carry you off. You don't want to be?"

"No."

"No matter. I am. Do you know why?"

"I guess."

"You don't. I don't."

She was silent "Nothing I can do about it," I went on. "It happened the moment I saw you. The day before yesterday. At the table. Do you know that?"

"I know."

"But perhaps you think that I am joking?"

"No."

"How could you. . . ? No matter. Will you try to escape?"

She was silent.

"Don't," I asked. "It would be useless, you know. I would not leave you alone. I would like to, do you believe me?"

She was silent.

"You see, it isn't just because I am not betrizated. Nothing matters to me, you see. Nothing. Except you. I have to see you. I have to look at you. I have to hear your voice. I have to, and I care about nothing else. Nowhere. I don't know what will become of us. It will end badly, I suppose. But I don't care. Because something is worthwhile now. Because I speak and you listen. Do you understand? No. How could you? You have all done away with drama, in order to live quietly. I cannot. I do not need that."

She was silent. I took a deep breath.

"Eri," I said, "listen. . . but sit down."

She did not move.

"Please. Sit down."

Nothing.

"It won't hurt you to sit down."

Suddenly I understood. I clenched my teeth.

"If you don't want to, then why did you let me in?"

Nothing.

I got up. I took her by the shoulders. She did not resist. I sat her down in an armchair. I moved mine closer, so that our knees almost touched.

"You can do what you like. But listen. I am not to blame for this. And you most certainly are not. No one is. I did not want this. But that's how it is. It is, you understand, a beginning. I know that I am behaving like a madman. I know it. But I'll tell you why. You're not going to speak to me at all now?"