Mr. Punch in the Highlands Part 13

[Ill.u.s.tration: "MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER"

_Mr. Punch_ is at present in the Highlands "a-chasing the deer."

_Mrs. Punch_ is at home, and has promised all her friends haunches of venison as soon as they arrive!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "DESIRABLE"

_Saxon Pa.s.senger (on Highland coach)._ "Of course you're well acquainted with the country round about here. Do you know 'Glen Accron'?"

_Driver._ "Aye, weel."

_Saxon Pa.s.senger (who had just bought the estate)._ "What sort of a place is it?"

_Driver._ "Weel, if ye saw the deil tethered on't, ye'd just say 'Puir brute'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ISOLATION!--OFF THE ORKNEYS

_Southern Tourist._ "'Get any newspapers here?"

_Orcadian Boatman._ "Ou aye, when the steamer comes. If it's fine, she'll come ance a week; but when it's stormy, i' winter, we dinna catch a glint o' her for three months at a time."

_S. T._ "Then you'll not know what's goin' on in London!"

_O. B._ "Na--but ye see ye're just as ill aff i' London as we are, for ye dinna ken what's gaun on here!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ON THE MOORS

_The Laird's Brother-in-law (from London)._ "It's very strange, Lachlan!

I'm having no luck!--and yet I seem to see two birds in place of one?

That was surely very strong whiskey your master gave me at lunch?"

_Keeper._ "Maybe aye and maybe no--the whuskey was goot; but any way ye dinna manage to hit the richt bird o' the twa!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A POOR ADVERTIs.e.m.e.nT

_Tourist._ "I suppose you feel proud to have such a distinguished man staying in your house?"

_Host of the "Drumdonnachie Arms."_ "'Deed no! A body like that does us mair hairm than guid; his appearance is nae credit tae oor commissariat!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: GENEROSITY

_n.o.ble Lord (whose rifle has brought to a scarcely untimely end a very consumptive-looking fallow deer)._ "Tut--t, t, t, t, tut! O, I say, Stubbs!"--(_to his keeper_)--"you shouldn't have let me kill such a poor, little, sickly, scraggy thing as this, you know! It positively isn't fit for human food! Ah! look here, now! I'll tell you what. You and McFarlin may have this buck between you!!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRAVELLER TOO BONa FIDE

_Dusty Pedestrian._ "I should like a gla.s.s of beer, missis, please----"

_Landlady._ "Hae ye been trevellin' by rell?"

_Pedestrian._ "No, I've been walking--fourteen miles."

_Landlady._ "Na, na, nae drink will ony yin get here, wha's been pleesure-seekin' o' the Sawbath day!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MR. PUNCH IN THE HIGHLANDS

He goes on board the _Iona_. The only drawback to his perfect enjoyment is the jealousy caused among all the gentlemen by the ladies cl.u.s.tering round him on all occasions.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS

There were often unforeseen circ.u.mstances which gave to the Highland stalking of those days an added zest!]

THE PLEASURES OF TRAVEL

(_By Ane that has kent them_)

[Ill.u.s.tration]

'Tis a great thing, the Traivel; I'll thank ye tae find Its equal for openin' the poors o' the mind.

It mak's a man polished, an' gies him, ye ken, Sic a graun' cosmypollitan knowledge o' men!

I ne'er was a stay-at-hame callant ava, I aye must be rantin' an' roamin' awa', An' far hae I wandered, an' muckle hae seen O' the ways o' the warl' wi' ma vara ain een.

I've been tae Kingskettle wi' Wullie an' Jeames, I've veesited Anster an' Elie an' Wemyss, I've walked tae Kirkca'dy an' Cupar an' Crail, An' I aince was awa' tae Dundee wi' the rail.

Losh me, sir! The wonnerfu' things that I saw!

The kirks wi' their steeples, sae bonny an' braw An' publics whauriver ye turned wi' yer ee-- 'Tis jist a complete eddication, Dundee!

Theer's streets--be the hunner! An' shops be the score!