Escape. Part 12

I was furious, but I knew confronting Merril would be unproductive. We'd already had several major fights in our marriage and I knew there was no way to reason with him or refuse to acquiesce to whatever he desired. I was in the early stages of my third pregnancy and in the throes of morning sickness so severe I'd vomit several times a day. The thought of getting on an airplane and leaving my children, Arthur and Betty, behind made me feel even worse. Nor would I have any say about their care while I was away. I couldn't even ask my sister or a friend to watch them. I had to leave them at the mercy of the wives remaining at home.

Quiet and resigned, I started making preparations for the trip. I knew I couldn't miss more than a week of school without making arrangements for my cla.s.s, so I started doing lesson plans in advance. I bought some fabric and started sewing some lightweight dresses for the trip. Tammy saw me working on my dress and felt threatened. She had a closet full of beautiful clothes but now felt she needed seven new dresses for the trip. She bought fabric and then asked her sisters to make her new dresses.

Tammy was on the warpath. She'd tell anyone who'd listen that she was being forced to go on a trip to Hawaii with me. In an about-face, she'd managed to turn me into the villain, even while knowing I had no desire to go. She started obsessing about everything I did. If I bought something for the trip, she needed to buy five of them. Cathleen, who was also pregnant, stayed in the background and out of the line of fire.

I tried reasoning with Tammy, but she wanted no part of it. I said that since it appeared that the trip was a fait accompli, why didn't we all just make the best of it? If we tried, we could have a good time, or at the very least not make things any worse or stranger than they already were.

Tammy was dismissive. She had a new mission: pregnancy. Tammy was the only one of Merril's wives who'd never had a baby. This was a disaster for her, especially since her mother had twenty children and was the wife who had substantial influence over her husband's entire family. In comparison to her mother, she was nothing. Without children, a woman had no power or status. None of us in plural marriages had even remotely normal relations.h.i.+ps with men, but Tammy's was unique, even in our bizarre culture.

At eighteen, she had been married to the prophet Uncle Roy. He was eighty-eight. In ten years, they'd never had s.e.x because he was too old and incapacitated. Even though she'd been married for a decade, she was still a virgin when she married Merril shortly after Uncle Roy's death.

She was upset when I gave birth because she'd been so unsuccessful in getting pregnant. She'd had an ectopic pregnancy before I gave birth to Arthur. Tammy had been taking Clomid, a fertility drug. When Merril found out that one of the side effects of Clomid was ectopic pregnancy, he was furious and told Tammy to quit the drug. She refused. Merril stopped having s.e.x with her. (I knew this because she told us. We also had heard her screaming at Merril for three years that it was his priesthood duty to get her pregnant.) Her desperation for a child kept escalating. Before the trip she went to the doctor again for more Clomid and began taking a double dose. She was determined to conceive in Hawaii. The more she focused on pregnancy, the less of a threat I became. Tammy stopped attacking me and suddenly became enthusiastic about Hawaii.

There was never a moment when Merril sat down with us and told us we were all going to Hawaii and explained the plan. Our lives were never that logical. We heard about the trip, and then learned that tickets were purchased with our names on them, and each of us began making our own unilateral preparations.

The morning we left, Tammy was the only happy one. Cathleen was still sulky and quiet. I was resigned but told myself I might see some good sights. If this was the one trip I was ever going to take, I wanted to see and learn as much as possible.

We all had breakfast before driving to the airport. Barbara was sitting next to Merril and seemed totally heartbroken about losing him for seven days. It was the longest separation they'd had in the four years since I'd been married to Merril. Merril seemed filled with dread. But there was no way out for him. If he took just Barbara, his image within the community would be damaged. He had to at least feign commitment to his other wives. When he kissed Barbara goodbye, she began to cry.

We piled into the car for the drive to the Las Vegas airport. There was so much luggage that it had to be crammed in around Cathleen and me in the backseat. Tammy had claimed the front seat to be next to Merril. She talked nonstop. Tammy was a geyser of gossip and kept spewing. Merril said almost nothing during the three-hour drive.

When Cathleen tried to engage in the conversation, Tammy cut her off and accused her of being rude. According to Tammy, this was her trip and the conversation should focus only on her. She told Cathleen not to interrupt. Cathleen began to pout.

Merril was despondent over leaving Barbara. I was upset about leaving Arthur and Betty and weak from morning sickness. Cathleen was sullen and self-pitying. Tammy was manic and agitated on her double dose of Clomid and completely obsessed with getting pregnant.

We were traveling with about six other FLDS couples. It was not uncommon within the community for members who could afford it to take several vacations a year to places like Cancun or California.

We were quite a sight in the airport in our long dresses and long underwear. It's a safe bet that we were the only ones traveling to Hawaii without bikinis, shorts, or T-s.h.i.+rts. The men were casually dressed in slacks and s.h.i.+rts while we were all shrouded in our multiple layers. People stared at us, but we didn't care.

The strange looks we got didn't bother me because I still believed we were G.o.d's chosen people. I was only twenty-two and my childhood faith continued to be absolute. Even though I didn't want to marry Merril, it didn't challenge my belief system in any way. I never doubted the central tenet of our faith, which said that in order to come to earth a spirit must be worthy to incarnate into a priesthood home. We had to prove ourselves worthy before we could inhabit the spirit of a child.

The fact of our birth meant we were precious spirits-one in a million-and when the last days came, we would be the ones who would be lifted up to heaven in the rapture. So by the time you're born into the FLDS culture, you've already won a lottery of sorts. You're a spirit chosen to do G.o.d's work on earth, which is priceless. When G.o.d gives one of his children so much, it carries a lot of responsibility. Over and over we're told, "Where much is given, much is required."

So while I thought it was strange and uncomfortable when people stared at me, I did not feel embarra.s.sed. I was one of the pure and select. I looked down on the people who thought I looked strange. They were wicked and less evolved.

Tammy insisted on sitting next to Merril on the flight from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Cathleen and I sat two seats behind them. We changed planes in Los Angeles. Merril had two empty seats on either side of him, and after Tammy grabbed one, I took the other. This infuriated Cathleen, who took an empty seat next to Tammy. But she felt like the outsider and started pouting and sniveling. Merril made some snide remark and Cathleen stormed to the back of the plane where there were empty seats. Soon we could hear her sobbing.

The other pa.s.sengers stared at us and tried to fathom our strange behavior. The several other couples from Colorado City pretended nothing was amiss out of respect for Merril. Tammy felt victorious now that Cathleen had been reduced to tears and exiled to the back of the plane.

Then Tammy took aim at me. How could I abandon my sister wife? How could I be so selfish and inconsiderate? I ignored her until that became impossible and then I blurted out that I had no intention of babysitting Cathleen. Merril started to laugh. It was the first time he seemed engaged with any aspect of the trip since his tearful parting with Barbara.

It was a long flight. The drama continued almost nonstop. I put on my headphones and watched the movie. During this era in the FLDS, some people had TVs in their homes, and it was not uncommon to occasionally go to movies in theaters. While I had contact with the outside world in some limited ways-mostly through school and college-being on a plane was unusual to me. But when we finally touched down in Honolulu I was exhausted.

Merril and I walked off the plane together and someone came up to us and threw leis around our necks. A tourist photographer took our picture. Tammy barged in and said that she and Cathleen were also part of the couple. She insisted that another picture be taken of the four of us together.

We took the shuttle bus to our hotel. I sat next to Merril, which sent Tammy into the stratosphere. She started badgering him. "Father, are Cathleen and I part of this trip, too?"

Merril was unresponsive. Tammy continued, "Father, who are you planning on sleeping with tonight?" Her questions got more specific. "Why are you sitting by Carolyn again? Are you only going to have s.e.x with her? Do we get to be included?"

The other tourists were trying not to stare at this freak show. I was mortified. Even the other couples from Colorado City seemed to be embarra.s.sed. My father was blus.h.i.+ng. I knew Tammy's bizarre talk made him uncomfortable. Merril acted as though he were somewhere else. He did not react as Tammy dredged up all of our dirty laundry and flung it in his face.

When we got to the hotel, Merril said he had a bad headache. He told Cathleen and me to take one of the two rooms and kissed us both good night. Tammy felt like she'd just been crowned queen.

Cathleen was in a terrible mood, still frothing mad about the way she had been treated on the plane. I tried to talk to her, but she refused. Not much time had pa.s.sed before Tammy was knocking on our door. She was extremely upset and agitated. Merril had told her he had a headache and went right to sleep. He refused to have s.e.x with her. She wanted our sympathy because we were both pregnant and she was not.

But she did not get it. She was maddening, manipulative, and mean. Cathleen and I ordered dinner from room service. She refused to speak to me, so we ate in silence.

Welcome to paradise.

Early the next morning, Merril knocked on our door and asked if we were ready for breakfast. We followed him to an exquisite garden restaurant overlooking the ocean. I was awed by the beauty surrounding us. The air smelled salty and the breeze, silky. I wanted to drink in the intense colors, but the day's first fiasco was already launched-who would get to sit next to Merril?

Tammy had taken one seat and I the other. In the confrontation that ensued, Cathleen ended up refusing even to eat at our table. Tammy continued her rant: "You sat next to him on the plane and on the shuttle bus...." The waitress came to take our order, but she had to wait until Tammy's tirade subsided.

We finally ordered, ate, and left for our first day of sight-seeing. The other couples rented snappy convertibles to zip around Oahu. But Merril rented a van. I think he was determined that none of us would enjoy the trip. It was his way of retaliating for not being able to bring Barbara along.

The fresh air in a convertible would have helped with my terrible morning sickness. I vomited several times a day. The winding roads didn't help, either. I had to ask Merril to pull over so I could throw up. I felt wretched. In the tropical heat, my long dress and long underwear compounded my misery.

Merril noticed how awful I felt and stopped to get me some food. This drove Cathleen around the bend. She was pregnant, too, but Merril paid no attention to her at all. She couldn't fake nausea, but she did start complaining of a headache. Merril stopped to buy her some aspirin and then kept paying attention to me. I didn't want attention. I just wanted to quit throwing up. We stopped for food, which seemed to help me.

After a few hours of this, Tammy announced she'd had enough of my behavior. I was ruining her trip. Why didn't I stay in the hotel if I felt so sick? I told Tammy that it was good for Merril to take care of his pregnant wife, and if that was too much of an inconvenience, she could ride with one of the other couples.

We finally returned to the hotel and went to dinner. I opted to sit with my dad and his wife Rosie. It was wonderful to have a lovely meal without having to listen to any whining or complaining. But the respite was short-lived.

When I returned to the hotel Merril said to bring my things and spend the night with him. He told Tammy she'd be staying with Cathleen. She was annoyed.

"Father, all you ever do when you stay with me is sleep. You've already gotten Carolyn pregnant. It isn't right for you to be having s.e.x with her." Merril's failure to respond angered Tammy more. "You had a headache last night, so we didn't have s.e.x. Carolyn and Cathleen are already pregnant. I'm not."

Merril didn't react. Tammy wouldn't quit. "I know you feel better tonight and you are going to have s.e.x with the person you stay with. That should be me. You already made me come on this trip with them. I have to share you all day, but I don't think I should have to share you at night." I was appalled but didn't engage with her. I took my suitcase and went to Merril's room, relieved not to have to be sharing a bedroom with either Tammy or Cathleen.

Merril turned on the TV. Within moments, the phone was ringing. Tammy was still on the attack. Merril enjoyed the attention. It fed his narcissism. He loved that his wives were fighting over who would have s.e.x with him. He didn't care if Tammy was unstable. I'm not sure he even noticed. She called a few more times that evening. I learned later that she told Cathleen that part of her rant was that Merril had s.e.x with me when I was pregnant, which was a sin within the FLDS.

Part of the FLDS doctrine is that a man should abstain from s.e.x with his pregnant wife. But there's a loophole. A man who has attained priesthood is believed to have the spirit of G.o.d within him. His "inspirations" are seen as being transmitted from G.o.d. If he's "inspired" to have s.e.x with his pregnant wife, it's within his rights since it comes from G.o.d.

Pregnancy was a turn-on for Merril in a way I never understood and he never tried to explain. We never talked about s.e.x, either before, during, or afterward. In seventeen years of marriage, I never saw him naked because we had s.e.x in total darkness. It was rudimentary and over in minutes. Merril remained mute throughout. Afterward he'd lie on top of me for a long time. I felt crushed and sometimes almost suffocated. Eventually he'd roll over like a dead animal and sleep.

What made it even more bizarre was that every time we had s.e.x with each other we did it while clothed in our long underwear-except that night in Hawaii when we had s.e.x completely naked. I was shocked when he took off my long underwear and began touching my skin. It felt different and far more enjoyable. But I didn't let myself respond too emotionally because I knew it would probably never happen again.

Every woman in a plural marriage knows that her only power in life will come from her relations.h.i.+p to her husband. I felt hostile to Merril. I hadn't wanted to marry him and never wanted to sleep with him. But I knew that my survival and the caliber of life I could provide for my children depended on my forging a relations.h.i.+p with Merril. Pleasing him-or at least not aggravating him-was a skill I was determined to master no matter what it cost me at a personal level. Sublimating my needs to his felt natural to me at twenty-two. I knew this was how generations of women had lived in my family.

In order to have power in Merril's family, I had to make myself important to him. That gave me status over his other wives and protected me and my children from their attacks. It's an insanely compet.i.tive environment. Only the strong survived. No one in our family ever tried to look out for a sister wife.

Cathleen and Tammy felt threatened by my access to Merril. They felt that any attention he paid to me came at their expense. The angry bickering resumed at breakfast the next morning about who would sit next to Merril. There would be moments when I'd think how weird it was that the three of us were competing for a man none of us loved, desired, or had ever wanted to marry.

After breakfast we flew to the island of Kauai. It was the most spectacular of all the islands we visited. It looked like a mock-up for the Garden of Eden. I had never seen so much vegetation. It was green beyond all imagining. Plants grew from crevices in jagged rocks. Flowers in bright Crayola colors seemed to be ablaze in bloom. Treetops were dense with tropical birds. The blue of the Pacific seemed to mirror the sky and added a pulse and vitality to the landscape it encircled.

Our condo was only a few feet from the beach. I took off my shoes and tried to find someone to walk along the water with me. Tammy and Cathleen insisted on staying in the condo with Merril, who wanted to take a nap. Merril had indicated that he wanted to be with Cathleen that night.

Rosie, my mother, agreed to take a walk with me. It was peaceful. The ocean was warm, my bare feet sank into the wet sand, and sparkling water washed over my toes. The breeze was gentle and the air felt pure. But swimming in the ocean was unthinkable. I didn't own a bathing suit and never considered swimming in the ocean or even a pool during the week we spent in Hawaii. FLDS members are usually not allowed near water because it's considered the devil's domain. We're taught that if you put yourself in a place where the devil has sole power, he can take your life. But this belief was often ignored. People swam in the FLDS, but only completely clothed. If your body is covered, swimming is considered daring, but not evil or wrong.

The beach was so tranquil that I didn't want to leave. I felt joy amidst such beauty and experienced a pervasive sense of calm. The absence of anger, tension, and rivalry centered me. Rosie and I had a comfortable but superficial relations.h.i.+p. I never told her what I was really feeling because she wouldn't be able to hear what I needed to say. She was my father's second wife and his favorite. He never got along with my biological mother. If I talked honestly to Rosie about my life, she'd tell me to stop whining and complaining. In her eyes, Merril was a man of G.o.d and I needed to honor him with my life.

On the way back to the condo we picked up some coconuts that had fallen from the trees. When we got inside, we sliced them open and put the fresh coconut on plates. Merril thought it was delicious-so delicious, in fact, that he decided to send dozens to his friends as gifts.

Instead of spending time relaxing or sight-seeing on Kauai, Merril had us pick coconuts and s.h.i.+p them via UPS to his friends. Tammy, Cathleen, and I spent the rest of the afternoon at UPS in our own mini-s.h.i.+pping department. Once we were in a work environment with Merril giving us orders, the tension among us subsided. Work was something we understood. This was the least contentious moment of the entire trip.

After sending the coconuts, we had dinner at a steak restaurant that sat high up over the ocean on a big rock. The roaring surf echoed around us.

The waves on Kauai seemed more ma.s.sive than they had on the other islands. Every time a wave crashed on the rocks I could hear the spray splas.h.i.+ng. I loved the steadying rhythm of the waves. It was powerful but not at all frightening. I felt small, safe, and protected, which was a rare feeling for me and a distraction from the tawdry soap opera that was being played out all around me.

Tammy was infuriated that Merril was planning to sleep with Cathleen that night. She screeched again about the unfairness of it all, but Merril tuned her out. I refused to share a room with her and slept on the sofa in the condo. After three h.e.l.lish days together, having a sofa all to myself felt like a prize.

Cathleen was in a happy mood the next morning, which helped the overall atmosphere. My morning sickness abated and I felt better than I had since we'd arrived. We spent the day sight-seeing on Kauai, traveling to the highest point, where we had a magnificent view of the entire island. A lighthouse there seemed to be a magnet for thousands of birds that would sweep in and off the cliff on waves. When we weren't high above the Pacific we ambled along beachside roads that were shaded by palm trees.

Tammy knew it was her turn to sleep with Merril that night, so she was in a reasonable mood for most of the day and not on the attack. We capped off our day of sight-seeing with dinner at one of the island's most famous restaurants. When I ordered shrimp, Merril threw a fit.

Merril doesn't eat shrimp, which meant I couldn't either. It was wrong for me to like something he didn't. As his wife, I was to become one with him in every way. In the FLDS, a woman is supposed to be in complete harmony with her husband. A devout wife would never even desire to eat something her husband disliked. The only fish Merril liked was halibut. It wasn't on the menu. I ordered steak.

Tammy spent the night with Merril, so there were no bedtime theatrics. The next morning, we headed to Honolulu after changing planes in Maui. When we claimed our luggage, one of Cathleen's suitcases-the one with her long underwear-was missing.

She began sobbing uncontrollably. I thought she was lucky not to have to wear it for the rest of the trip. The underwear always made me feel clumsy, but in the tropics it was worse because of the three pairs of socks we wore over them-a light support stocking, followed by a heavy dance sock capped off with a heavier support stocking to keep everything in place.

Tammy and I both had extra underwear, but sharing was not permissible. Cathleen was out of luck and she was inconsolable. Merril offered her a thousand dollars to replace whatever was in her missing suitcase, but the money didn't matter to her. She wanted her garments.

The drama resumed at the hotel when Merril announced that he wanted to spend the night with me. Tammy went ballistic. She had spent two nights with Merril and made it quite well known to Cathleen and me that they hadn't had s.e.x either time. She launched into Merril again about his sinful behavior, calling him immoral for not getting her pregnant and for having s.e.x with me while I was.

Tammy called the room soon after we got there. Not only had Cathleen locked her out, she'd barricaded the door with the furniture in the room. Cathleen was screaming as loud as she could, "I'm totally done with you! I don't want to see you ever again!"

Merril listened to Tammy's play-by-play account of the fight and said he'd take care of it. He called Cathleen and berated her. Why had she come on the trip if she couldn't behave? After a barrage of Merril's disparaging and humiliating remarks, Cathleen relented and let Tammy back into the room. Merril and I had s.e.x. The snaps were unsnapped, but our long underwear stayed on.

No one spoke at breakfast. Afterward we headed for the van and another day of sight-seeing. Even though Cathleen was only in the early stages of her pregnancy, she began wobbling like a woman on the verge of delivery. It was her way of trying to show what a sacrifice she was making for Merril-even though he mistreated her, she was hobbling along and carrying his child.

Oddly enough, the day was relatively relaxed. The other couples went their separate ways. Tammy seemed to have accepted defeat, Cathleen was quiet, and I sat near a window in the van to try to keep from throwing up.

During the afternoon drive, I did something I'd rarely done before: I told Merril that his teenage daughters were constantly abusive toward me and my children at home. When I'd complained about this in the past, he'd always said it was my fault. He felt his daughters were in complete harmony with him and said that if they were correcting me, I must be doing something wrong. Now I accused him of using his daughters to discipline me, and said I'd fight back to defend myself and my children.

Tammy and Cathleen listened attentively. Merril's daughters were actually more abusive to them than they were to me. Tammy would try to b.u.t.ter them up, even if it meant agreeing with the accusations they were making against her. Cathleen, who was nonconfrontational, would storm off and sulk in her room.

I usually avoided talking to Merril about my feelings because he'd always explode at the mention of something being wrong. But the week in Hawaii had been so explosive that I think I'd lost my fear of violent outbursts. Merril told me to be quiet. I said I wouldn't shut up.

I brought up a recent episode between me and one of his daughters. Merril roared back in rage: "Carolyn, if you were willing to do what your husband wanted, then my daughter wouldn't have any reason to treat you that way. You shouldn't respond with anger to a correction from someone who is trying to do what I want; you should thank her for the correction and express sorrow that you are not more in harmony with me. I know you are in the wrong because you never came to talk to me about it."

This infuriated me. "I never talk to you about it because you refuse to listen. I am automatically in the wrong no matter how bizarre the abuse toward me is. I learned a long time ago that going to you would only get me more abuse, not justice."

Merril tried to silence me by saying, "If I am not home and a member of my family is aware of something that they know is in concurrence with my wishes, then you have no right to interfere in any way."

I insisted that I did. "If they say or do something abusive, I have every right as a human being to protect myself and use whatever it takes to defend my children. If you and your daughters want to wage war with me, you should know I will fight back."

To my complete surprise, Tammy chimed in at this point. "Merril, it's wrong for you to use your daughters against your wives and encourage them to be hurtful and mean to us and your other children. If you have a problem with something we're doing, why can't you handle it directly and stop hiding behind your children for protection?"

This angered Merril as much as anything I had said, if not more. He struck back. "If either of you was willing to be obedient to me, then there would be no need for this conversation. You and Carolyn are saying things that, I a.s.sure you both, you will be paying for and regret."

Merril's threats drew Cathleen from her silence for the first time that day. "I think someone who encourages his children to act inappropriately like you do is sinning against G.o.d and the prophet," she said. "A man is supposed to teach his children to love all of their mothers and to overlook their faults. Children should not judge or take action against one of their mothers. Your actions are destroying your family." Once Cathleen got going, she revved up fast. "Tammy and Carolyn may pay for what they say to you today, but it doesn't change the fact that what you're doing is wrong."

I could not believe what I was hearing. The three of us were united against Merril. No one was backing down. He became quiet.

What a change! For five days we'd been battling one another, and now we were standing up to our mutual husband. If Merril was upset, he didn't show it. He was cornered and forced to listen. He didn't like our accusations of abuse. Even though he had no intention of intervening to stop the abuse, I think he knew what was happening was wrong. But he also knew that ultimately our protests would lead nowhere.

After dinner, one of the other couples took Tammy and me for a ride in their rented convertible. I loved feeling the wind against my face and skin. It was a freedom I'd never experienced before. The wind ripped my hair out from under layers of hair spray and whipped it around my face. I loved feeling that there was nothing separating me from the outside. It was sensual and elemental-an unusual but delightful feeling for me.

We stopped at some tourist shops and I picked up presents for my children and the other wives at home. Tammy saw me pull out a hundred-dollar bill and freaked out when she realized Merril had given me additional money. I was finished with her bullying. She followed me around, complaining to the other women about my purchases. When we got back to the hotel she ran to Merril with her tattling tales, but he didn't care.

Merril was spending his last night with Cathleen. After Tammy finished berating me in her call to Merril, I said that maybe she had managed to interrupt him during s.e.x with Cathleen. She screeched at me and said she hoped they were were having s.e.x. I said, "Tammy, that is so immoral. Do you really want your husband to commit those kinds of heathen sins?" having s.e.x. I said, "Tammy, that is so immoral. Do you really want your husband to commit those kinds of heathen sins?"

"Yes, I do, because he commits those sins with you!"

"You have no idea what he does with me," I shot back. "And it's none of your business."

"But you're pregnant and I am not. I think we all know he is committing heathen sins with you."

Breakfast the next morning was tense and angry. Cathleen was still upset about her missing long underwear. Tammy attacked Cathleen for being too emotional. Then she told Merril about our fight and how rude I had been to her in the conversation about heathen s.e.x. Tammy was relentless. Merril could have told her to knock it off, but he never did. I think he tried to ignore our bickering because he prided himself on being a martyr to his rebellious wives.

When we left the restaurant we gathered up our piles of luggage and headed to the airport. None of us had had a good time. It had been six days of nearly relentless arguing broken up by long periods of tense silence.

On the flight back, Cathleen sat by herself, so there was no compet.i.tion about who got to sit next to Merril. We changed planes in Los Angeles. I almost missed the connection because I went to buy some water and Merril got on the plane with my boarding pa.s.s. When I didn't show up, he realized what had happened and rushed off the plane to find me.

After the short flight to Las Vegas, we piled into the van for the three-hour drive back to Colorado City. Cathleen and I sat in the back and didn't speak. Tammy was up front with Merril and tried to engage him in conversation, but he wanted nothing to do with her. After a while, Tammy offered to drive and Merril let her.

He put his seat back as far as it would go and asked me to rub his shoulders.

I did. The car was quiet. I was exhausted. I'd survived my six days in paradise and, thankfully, only two nights with my husband.

Giving Birth in the FLDS

When I returned from Hawaii, I wasn't as panicked about my third pregnancy. In part it was because I knew all I would ever have in my life that mattered to me would be my children.

The intimacy and tenderness I felt in caring for Arthur and Betty was boundless and unparalleled by anything I had ever felt in my life. My two children had shown me a depth of love that I never knew existed.

Being pregnant, sick, and a second-grade teacher was not nearly as stressful as being pregnant, sick, and a college student. I spent much of the day running down the hall from my cla.s.sroom to vomit in the bathroom. Sometimes I didn't make it and I threw up in the nearest garbage can. The other teachers worried about me and urged me to go home and rest, but I was committed to my second graders.

As it had in the past, pregnancy seemed to make me more desirable to Merril, although I was still so malnourished that I never looked very big. Even though it was supposed to be taboo in our culture, Merril continued to have s.e.x with me while I was pregnant.