Rowan Gant - Perfect Trust Part 19

My hand automatically reached for the nightstand and pawed about, coming up empty. At first I really didn't even know what I was looking for, then it dawned on me.

Cigarettes.

I stared quietly at the floor and picked through the mild twinges in the back of my skull. Reality was setting in and I summoned a bit of concentration, then sent it on a quest for memories of the previous night. A quick inventory told me there didn't appear to be anything new to add to the nonsensical list.

The one good thing-or bad, depending upon your take-that came to mind was that I hadn't had any nightmares. At least, I didn't think I had.

Something still didn't feel right, though, and I definitely wasn't catching on to what it was.

"Good morning," Felicity greeted the back of my head from the doorway. "Or should I say, afternoon, then? Finally decided to join the rest of the world?" Her voice still held a Celtic lilt, and that told me that she must not have slept any better than I had.

"Uh-huh," I grunted, then forced out a scratchy query while thrusting a finger over my shoulder. "Is that clock right?"

"Aye," she returned as she ventured further into the room and made her way around the end of the bed. "Right as it ever is."

"d.a.m.n," I muttered, "I sure don't feel like I got seven hours of sleep."

"Aye," she laughed, "as it was I only got four myself. What makes you think you'd be gettin' any more than me, then?"

Now I was even more befuddled. "We went to bed around five A.M., right?""Aye."

I didn't say anything else. The comment seemed self-explanatory to me.

"Well?" I finally said.

"Well, what?" she answered as she tugged the bed linens off into a pile on the floor.

"Well, noon minus five," I offered through my haze. "Comes out to around seven. In my head anyway."

"Aye, it does," she replied as she hooked an arm around my neck and slid into my lap. Her hair was still slightly damp from her shower and she smelled faintly of roses. The sweet scent tickled my nose as she leaned in to kiss my cheek, then whisper, "And, I told you then that we should be spending it sleeping."

I was just about to ask her to explain what she meant when the various pieces of the equation started to fall into place. What had been unidentified variables up until now became known quant.i.ties. When the values were added up, the undeniable final product was obviously a prolonged and intense s.e.xual encounter.

Unfortunately, it was one to which I was completely oblivious. Fortunately, I had enough wits about me to know better than to say so, at least until I figured out why.

"Oh, yeah, that," I lied for effect.

"I'm loving you a whole bunch right now," my wife whispered softly.

"Yeah, me too," I said while searching my memory for the slightest inkling of the recent pa.s.sion, and finding none. "Me too."

Behind my quiet facade, confusion opened the door and invited fear to come on in and make itself at home.

It did.

CHAPTER 12.

"I really appreciate you working me into your schedule like this," I told Helen Storm as we both sidled up to the balcony railing of the outdoor smoking lounge. "I know you're very busy."

Felicity hadn't objected in the least when I begged off from helping clean the house in order to attend a hastily scheduled visit with Doctor Storm. Had it been for any other reason, I doubt I would have gotten as far as the front door. I still hadn't told my wife about my amnesia regarding our intimacy, and I wasn't sure if I would.

I wasn't even positive that I was going to tell Helen about it, even though it was the catalyst for the sudden appointment. Quite a bit was going to depend upon whatconclusions were reached over the next hour.

"It was no problem, Rowan," she answered.

"Well, I felt bad about calling you on such short notice."

"Don't. That is what I am here for."

"Even so," I expressed, "I hate coming off as some sort of needy flake."

"You didn't. Really, Rowan, it was a light day for me anyway, and it was quite obvious that something was troubling you."

I suspected that there had been more to rearranging her schedule than she let on.

"I still appreciate it."

"I know you do, so stop beating yourself up about it. Truth is, I can't really say that I was surprised to hear from you," she expressed gently. "Benjamin called me early this morning."

"So, is he really that worried about me?"

"Yes he is, but please don't get the impression that he is checking up on you or trying to interfere in your life. He was actually calling me about getting together on Christmas Eve. I could tell he had something else on his mind, though, so I pried it out of him."

"That's not always an advisable task with Ben."

"No," she mused. "Not even for a friend who is as close to him as you are. But, being the older sister who's acted as his confidant for more years than she'd care to acknowledge, I can get away with it."

"I see." I nodded. "So, what did he tell you?"

"Not much in the way of details really. Just that you had experienced one of your psychic episodes last night, and that you weren't displaying your usual clarity in that regard."

"That's an understatement."

"He alluded that it was something very out of character for you," she agreed with a nod.

"I'm not usually this befuddled, no."

"That is what worries him most, I believe; your wife as well. They are concerned that this confusion might interfere with your judgment, and possibly your safety."

I knew exactly what she meant, and offered the unspoken evidence. "Just like it did when I chased Eldon Porter out onto that bridge. Yeah, we've been down that road."

"Then you know that they are merely expressing concern for a loved one. You."

"I know." I nodded. "I know. But it still doesn't make things any easier to deal with. Sometimes it just makes me feel... Like..."I struggled to find any word or phrase that could accurately describe my feelings, but none were forthcoming.

"Diminished?" Helen offered.

"Yes. Exactly. Like they feel as though I'm incapable of making my own decisions."

"So, what about those decisions?"

"What do you mean?"

"With everything we've discussed so far," she explained, "it all seems to come back to Eldon Porter and the decisions you made then."

"It was a bad situation," I said.

"From what little both you and Benjamin have told me it sounds like it was a royally f.u.c.ked up situation."

I was momentarily taken aback by the single spoken vulgarity coming from Helen Storm. Her soothing demeanor and calm voice made the expletive stand out even more against the backdrop of her words-effectively framing it and making it the succinct and perfect description of the situation. But, it was perfect only as she said it. Had the same statement been made by anyone else, it would have simply been an observation punctuated by profanity.

I already liked her, but the stark humanness of the expression ingratiated her to me even more.

"Yes," I agreed. "Yes it was."

"What about the decisions you made during that case?"

"Depends on who you ask. Ben thinks I was lacking in my judgment, that's for sure. And, Felicity has it in for Ben and me both where that is concerned."

"I'm not asking them," she submitted. "I am asking you."

"I don't know." I shrugged and took a hit from my cigarette before crus.h.i.+ng it out. I stripped the b.u.t.t, then discarded the filter and paper in a nearby trash receptacle before continuing. "I did what I thought I needed to do. In retrospect, I suppose chasing after a serial killer in the middle of the night, alone, probably wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done."

"Why do you think you felt you had to do it?"

"I didn't want him to get away." I gave her a statement of fact as I saw it.

"Are you certain?"

I wasn't sure where she was headed with this, but I was afraid I was soon going to find out.

"Fairly certain," I answered. "You think I might have had another reason?"

"I'm merely curious," she returned. "Could you not have simply called the police and notified them? Surely they were better equipped to handle the situation thanyou."

"Do you think I was grandstanding?" I asked her. "Attention seeking?"

"I didn't say that." She shook her head. "But in answer to your question, no, I don't. I am simply asking why you didn't call the police instead of going after him yourself."

"I didn't think there was enough time."

"Are you certain? The Briarwood police station isn't that far from your house is it?"

"Done some research, have you?" I queried.

"A little," she said.

"Well, I did tell Felicity to call Ben and have him call me on my cell phone."

"But you still chased after him on your own."

"Okay. Right now, given my current state, I might be a bit denser than I normally am, but I can see that you have a different idea about this. Would you like to share?"

"No," she shook her head again. "Not really."

"Excuse me?"

"What I think isn't the point, Rowan. What IS the point is what your motivation for that decision actually was. Only you know what that motivation was, and my telling you my theory won't help, whether I am correct or not. You have to reach the conclusion on your own."

"So I'm paying you so that I can reach my own conclusions?"

"No," she smiled. "You are paying me to help you navigate unfamiliar terrain in order to work toward those conclusions. Just consider me a docent for your psyche."

I let out a quiet chuckle. "So you're basically an expensive tour guide."

"Something like that, but I'm not allowed to accept tips."

"You know, you really aren't what I expected from a shrink."

"I should hope not," she laughed musically.

The mood lightened for a moment as we stood there. Helen waited patiently for me to continue, without prompting, and allowed me to observe where she had taken us. Something in me wanted to rush along to the next exhibit buried deeper within my mind, seeking out the answer that would make everything right; the panacea that would return normalcy to my life. But, I knew deep down that no such cure existed.

So did she.

Still, she wasn't about to budge, and remained steadfast in her silence. I obviously hadn't seen everything I was meant to see here.

"I know I wasn't very grounded at the time I made that decision," I finally saidwith a sigh. "And I really haven't been ever since. That certainly has become a problem for me now."

"Hence your lack of focus?"

"There's another understatement," I confessed. "I'm just this side of legally blind, I think."

"I doubt you are as bad as that," she said.

"I don't know. I feel like I'm trapped on the inside looking out, and it's midnight with a new moon, clouds, and a power outage," I contended.

"That could be an important milestone."

"What? Like I'm a prisoner of my own failings?"

"No, nothing so self-depreciating."