Walk With Me Part 16

"How about the fact that he was making out with Nate? Is that enough to earn him a gay card?"

I somehow managed to sit down. I wasn't sure how it happened. One minute I was standing, the next minute my b.u.t.t was in a kitchen chair, Andrew was grasping my arm, and Caleb was crouching in front of me.

"Eli, are you okay?" Caleb asked. "Breathe."

"Wha-" My voice wouldn't cooperate, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "What do you mean, making out?"

"I don't know." Caleb shrugged. "They were kissing and touching each other. It's not like they were f.u.c.king on the dance floor or anything, so I didn't pay much attention. Are you okay?"

"I think I'm going to be sick." I stumbled out of the chair and raced to the bathroom, making it just in time to hit the toilet with the contents of my stomach. Caleb and Andrew were right behind me.

"What the f.u.c.k?" Andrew yelled. "I know you have some kind of crush on this guy, Eli, but you can't make yourself sick every time you hear he's been with someone else. It's not like you can expect him to be a monk, right? So he made out with some guy. What's the big-"

"Thirteen years," I rasped. "That's how long I've had what you're describing as a crush." My entire body was shaking. "And he's straight!" I yelled, which pushed me into a coughing fit. "That's the big deal," I said once I could talk again. "He isn't supposed to be making out with men at all." Just saying the words made my stomach turn over and I started dry heaving.

"s.h.i.+t," Caleb gasped.

"Why would he do that?" I asked myself. "Why would he be with a guy but not with me?" I stood up, barely keeping my balance. "Where's my phone?"

"I don't think you should-"

I patted my pocket. "Here it is." I yanked my phone out and started tapping on the keys.

"I think we should go," Andrew whispered to Caleb. "He needs some privacy."

"Are you going to be okay?" Caleb asked me.

I nodded, put my phone up to my ear, closed the toilet lid, and slumped down.

"Call me later, Eli," Caleb said.

I nodded again and raised my trembling hand in a wave.

When I got Seth's voice mail, it was all I could do to keep myself from smas.h.i.+ng my phone against the wall, but instead I said, "Call me," and then I hung up.

Chapter 12.

Seth Cohen.

THERE ARE ARE some moments in life that you never, ever forget. They're turning points, little things that make a huge difference. Sometimes you don't even realize you're in the midst of one until much later. But other times you know right away. That was what it was like for me on Sunday, November 18, 2007. some moments in life that you never, ever forget. They're turning points, little things that make a huge difference. Sometimes you don't even realize you're in the midst of one until much later. But other times you know right away. That was what it was like for me on Sunday, November 18, 2007.

It was two o'clock in the afternoon and I was sitting in my mother's kitchen in LA, catching up with my parents, my brother, and my sister-in-law, when I heard my phone ring in the family room.

"I'll be right back," I said as I got up.

"Is that Eli Block again?" my mother asked. My entire family had been teasing me about how much I talked to him.

I felt my neck heat. "Maybe."

The message he left wasn't long. Two words: "Call me." But from the way he sounded-weak and shaky-I knew something was wrong. I dialed his number as I rushed into the guest bedroom I was staying in so I could have some privacy.

When he picked up, he didn't bother with the usual greetings and instead said, "Want to tell me about Nate Richardson from New York?"

That was when I knew I was smack dab in the middle of a turning point in my life. I could tell he'd been crying, which wasn't how I'd wanted things to go. But what I'd wanted no longer mattered. We were where we were, and I needed to be very careful in how I handled the next few minutes, because it could make or break my future with Eli, which would make or break me.

In an instant, I knew what I had to do. "I can be at the airport in an hour and I'll catch the next flight home," I said as I tossed my suitcase onto the bed. Two seconds later, I had it open and started throwing my clothes inside.

"What are you talking about?" Eli said.

"I'm not doing this on the phone," I answered. "I need to see your face and-"

"Seth?" Eli whimpered.

My heart constricted in pain. "I'm coming," I a.s.sured him. I darted my gaze around the room to see if I'd forgotten anything. When nothing stood out, I zipped up my suitcase and hauled it off the bed. "I need to hang up so I can drive to the airport."

"I have to know who he is, Seth," Eli begged. "I don't think I can wait."

I hated the pain I heard in his voice. "He's just a guy," I told him.

"My friend Caleb said you made out with him." Eli gulped loudly. "Is that true?"

"Yes, it's true, but it was just an experiment." I winced at how horrible that sounded. "I'll explain everything as soon as I get home. I promise."

It took less than five minutes for me to tell my family about my unexpected change in plans, another five for me to call the airline and get booked on the next flight to Emile City, and then I was in my rental car, driving toward the airport.

IT WAS WAS late by the time I pulled up to my new house. All the lights were off, so if Eli's car hadn't been in the garage, I would have thought he'd gone back to his parents' place instead of waiting for me. With my suitcase in one hand, I fumbled with my keys, eventually got the door open, and stepped into my mud slash laundry room. late by the time I pulled up to my new house. All the lights were off, so if Eli's car hadn't been in the garage, I would have thought he'd gone back to his parents' place instead of waiting for me. With my suitcase in one hand, I fumbled with my keys, eventually got the door open, and stepped into my mud slash laundry room.

Being a homeowner was a new treat and the house Eli and I had picked out was amazing, but in that moment I couldn't even appreciate the luxury of having my own washer and dryer because my focus was on the man I hoped was somewhere inside.

"Eli?" I called out. It was deadly silent, and I started worrying that maybe he was gone after all. He could have gotten a ride from someone, which would explain why his car was still there. I toed off my shoes and left them with my suitcase in the laundry room, walked through the kitchen into the dining room, and called his name again. "Eli?"

There was a rustling sound followed by the click of a table lamp, and then I saw him. He was sitting on the couch wearing pajama pants and a huge sweats.h.i.+rt-one of my old ones from college. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and his skin was pale.

"Oh, Eli," I rasped as I hustled over to him.

"An experiment?" he asked hoa.r.s.ely.

Even though hours had pa.s.sed since we'd hung up, I knew he was continuing the conversation from our phone call.

"Yes," I answered as I slowed my pace.

"What does that mean?"

I tried to figure out how to put what I'd been going through four years earlier into words. "I needed to know what it was like. For me, I mean. I needed to know what it was like to be with a guy."

"To be be with a guy?" with a guy?"

"Not like that," I said emphatically. "We kissed and there was a little groping. That's all." I sighed and took a step closer to him. "He didn't mean anything to me, and I'm pretty sure I meant even less to him. We didn't even exchange numbers."

He nodded, pursed his lips, and asked, "Were there any others?"

It was time for full disclosure. "One other one. Yes."

"Well?" Eli shouted and threw his hands up. "Are you going to tell me?"

I was grateful for the show of emotion. Seeing him frustrated was much less painful than seeing him sad.

"I was in LA visiting my parents and my brother. We met at a bookstore and had dinner the next night."

He jumped up. "A date! You went on a date with a guy and you didn't think to tell me!"

"Eli, it wasn't a big deal." I held my hand out and kept my voice calm, trying to placate him. "It was dinner. A little eating. A little conversation."

He paced from one side of the room to the other. "And after?"

"After dinner?"

The dirty look he shot me made me flinch. "Yes!"

"There was no after," I explained hurriedly. "We paid the bill and said good night."

Eli's shoulders relaxed as the fight seemed to leave his body. "There was no after?"

I nodded.

"Did you see him again?"

"No." I shook my head.

"You didn't see him when you were back in LA this weekend?" he asked suspiciously.

"No. I haven't seen or spoken to him in more than two years."

I stepped closer to Eli.

"Why not?"

He moved farther away.

"I don't know." I dragged my fingers through my hair in frustration. "Because I wasn't interested in pursuing anything, I guess."

Suddenly, Eli's shoulders slumped and his eyelids drooped; he looked sad again. I didn't understand why my answer would have given him that reaction.

"So you tried going out with a guy and it didn't work?" he whispered.

Ah, that was it. "I tried going out with that that guy and it didn't work," I clarified. guy and it didn't work," I clarified.

Eli raised his gaze and met mine. "Because he's a guy?"

"Because there weren't any sparks." I tried moving closer to him and was grateful when he didn't step away that time.

"Because he's a guy?" He looked at me with trepidation and chewed his lip nervously.

I shook my head and stepped even closer. "Because he wasn't the right person person."

Eli gulped and whispered, "The right person?"

"Yes."

"And who's the right person?" His voice was shot, the words barely audible, but I was close enough to hear him by then.

"You, Eli." I reached out and did an internal victory dance when he didn't jerk away, then I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and drew him close.

When our lips were scant inches apart, he clutched my s.h.i.+rt, looked at me wide-eyed, and said, "Seth?"

"It's always been you," I mumbled, and then I leaned forward and kissed him.

At first his body was stiff, his lips were still, and his fingers were clenched into claws digging into my s.h.i.+rt and skin. I kissed him anyway, gently pressed my lips to his, opened and closed them slowly, and licked him every so often. He panted, short bursts of air leaving his nose at a rapid pace while he fisted my s.h.i.+rt like he was paralyzed with fear.

"Oh, Eli," I whispered as I brought one hand to his face, cupped his cheek, and caressed his smooth skin. "Don't be scared."

"I'm not."

But he was trembling and his heart was racing; I could feel it.

"Come here, baby," I said and veered us toward the couch. "Let's sit down."

He followed easily, not releasing his grasp on me or moving his laser focus from my face. I felt the couch hit the back of my knees and sat down, tugging him with me. He glanced down and then back at my face, seemingly confused by what he was supposed-or maybe it was allowed-to do. I explained it to him with actions instead of words by pulling him down until he was sitting on my lap, his knees on either side of me.

"This is okay, right?" I asked as I moved my hand across his chest and down to his flat belly.

He gulped and nodded. I noticed he wasn't hard-it would have been obvious in the soft pants he was wearing-but before I fell into a bout of insecurity about whether he wanted me, I reminded myself that he was nervous and probably more than a little confused, and he wouldn't be trembling and hanging on to me for dear life if he wasn't interested.

"I like touching you," I confessed, hoping my admission would put him at ease. I moved my heated gaze over him and added, "And looking at you. Can I take off your sweats.h.i.+rt?"

"I can't believe this is happening," he mumbled.

I wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or to me.