Natasha and Other Stories Part 6

Natasha picked at the gra.s.s. Tears welled up in her eyes. She let them fall. I got up and picked up her suitcase. It felt empty and weighed almost nothing. I made a move toward the house.

-What are you doing?

-Taking it inside.

-I can't go inside. I can't stay here. I have to leave.

-You have to leave tonight?

-Do you want to come with me?

-Where?

-Florida. One of the businessmen who came to the dacha lives there. He is very rich. He promised that if I ever came to Florida he would give me a job. He'll give you one too.

-We have to decide this tonight?

-Yes. I can't stay here and I can't go home. There is no more home. My mother has left your uncle. I can't live with her and I can't stay with him. I have nowhere to go.

-What do you mean your mother left my uncle?

-I forced them to decide.

I put the suitcase back down.

-She made him sleep on the couch again. I went out to the living room. At first he was asleep but when he woke up and understood what was happening he didn't stop me. He knew whose mouth it was. And then she heard and came out of the bedroom. He needed me to do it that way or he would never have gotten away from her. I wasn't going to let her ruin his life. I wasn't going to let her win.

Strangely, my first thought was about my grandmother. My next thought was that my uncle would kill himself.

-He let her insult him, embarra.s.s him, steal his money. But he wouldn't leave her. He was a coward. So I gave him a coward's reason to leave. It's funny, other men would have felt the opposite way. They would have taken it as a reason to stay and spent the next two years f.u.c.king me.

I helped Natasha back down into the bas.e.m.e.nt and promised her that I would wake her before my parents got up. I gave her my bed and slept on the floor. When the alarm rang I dug out all the money I had and gave it to her. It amounted to a little more than a hundred dollars. I watched her drag her suitcase down our street, heading in the direction of the bus station and Florida.

When my parents woke up the phones were already ringing. My uncle had arrived on my grandparents' doorstep at seven in the morning. His marriage was over. This confirmed my grandmother's suspicions. From the first she had felt something wasn't right with Zina. That her daughter was the product of a shaygets should have been enough. Now my uncle was without an apartment and he was financially obligated for Zina and Natasha because of the sponsors.h.i.+p papers he had signed. As to why the separation had to be so drastic, why he couldn't stay in the apartment until he found a new place, my uncle was vague. They could no longer live together. n.o.body in my family asked about Natasha or even knew that she had left home. As far as the family was concerned, once my uncle severed his relations.h.i.+p with Zina, she and Natasha ceased to exist.

For days afterward I stayed in my bas.e.m.e.nt. I had no interest in going out, seeing my friends, making deliveries. I was compromised by everything I knew. I knew too much about my uncle. I knew things about him that a sixteen-year-old nephew should not have known. And when my mother invited him to our house for dinner-in an effort to bolster his spirits-I sat across the table from him and tried to suppress the feeling of an awkward bond. The bond two men have when they have been with the same woman. It wasn't the sort of bond I wanted to share with my forty-four-year-old uncle, especially under the circ.u.mstances. But the feeling was more powerful than my desire not to feel it. It was too easy to picture him with her. Everything my uncle did during dinner-talking, eating, drinking-reminded me that he had been with Natasha. The mouth he spoke with, the hands he ate with, his physical self, were the same mouth, hands, self that had been with Natasha.

Of those first few depressing days after Natasha left, the dinner with my uncle was the worst. During that dinner he avoided the subject of Zina and Natasha entirely. It was the only thing on everyone's mind and so, characteristically, it was the only thing n.o.body mentioned. Instead my uncle gave a very long and detailed history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Arafat, Rabin, Ben-Gurion, Balfour, Begin, Na.s.ser, Sadat. I wondered what kept my uncle going. What life offered him. Why he didn't kill himself. Watching him, listening to him talk, I realized that there was nothing I could do for him. I felt better.

The following morning I ended my self-imposed seclusion and took the familiar walk to Rufus's. Weeks remained in my summer. There were books to read and whatever else the summer still had to offer. During my seclusion I had avoided all phone calls. Rufus had left typically cryptic messages, as did some of my other friends. Something in their voices intimated that there was excitement in our world. Activity was taking place without me. Conversations, discoveries, all sorts of important new things. Because of Natasha, I had removed myself from the common equation, and I was ready to return and accept my place within the social order.

Approaching Rufus's house, I wasn't surprised to see the pool company's van as well as a large truck br.i.m.m.i.n.g with dirt. Guys with wheelbarrows were carting dirt out from Rufus's yard and shoveling it into the truck. Teams of six landscapers shouldered ten-foot-long Doric columns in the opposite direction. The strains of Bizet's Carmen wafted from the backyard. The neighborhood had never seen anything like it.

In the backyard, I spotted most of my friends. Guys that had never held down a real job, guys like me who spent their days in bas.e.m.e.nts reading, smoking, and engaging in self-abuse. They were fanned out across Rufus's yard, straining, digging, smoothing, lifting, side by side with the landscapers and pool installers. They looked very happy. Intimately involved. And already they had succeeded in transforming Rufus's yard. A ma.s.sive hole, many feet deep, dominated the property. An orange plastic fence had been erected around the hole's circ.u.mference to keep the workmen and stoners from accidentally falling in.

Up on the deck, seated with one of the pool guys I had seen on my last visit, was Rufus. A blueprint was laid out on the table and both of them were hunched over it as though it were a battle plan. I mounted the steps to the deck and stood behind Rufus and waited for him to acknowledge me. Over his shoulder I could see the detail of the blueprint. There were columns, cypress trees, a fountain, and Rufus's hot tub. Rufus looked up as I bent closer to get a better look. For the briefest instant his face a.s.sumed an expression I had never seen before. At that moment I didn't understand what it meant, but I later recognized it as pity.

-Berman, what's the matter, you don't return calls anymore?

He rose and had me follow him down into the yard. I felt the onset of dread. Something about Rufus's posture alerted me to tragedy. It was then that I also realized that none of my friends had said anything to me. The yard was busy, but not so busy that none of them would have seen me. I had, after all, seen them. The sum of these impressions began to register. I knew that whatever it was, it was very bad and that I was trapped and helpless to avoid the damage. I sensed all of this as I descended from the deck and heard the screen door open. Using her hip, Natasha slid the door closed. She was carrying a tray with a pitcher of water and multicolored plastic gla.s.ses. Rufus watched me for a reaction and then took me gently by the shoulder and out to the front of the house.

-Berman, this is why I asked you to call. I wanted to tell you on the phone, but it wasn't exactly the sort of thing I could leave on an answering machine.

Another team of landscapers pa.s.sed us with a Doric column. I felt a compulsion to stick out my foot and trip them. To start a brawl, draw blood, break bones.

-She doesn't want to see you. I'm sorry about this, Berman. It's just the way it is.

I made way for the Doric column.

-How much do those things weigh?

-Not as much as you'd think. They're masonry and plaster, not marble. If they were marble I'd need slaves.

-I thought she was going to Florida.

-Come on, Berman, she's a f.u.c.king kid. How is she supposed to get to Florida? She barely speaks English. Either she's here or she's on the street.

-Right.

-She thinks you betrayed her. She's very principled. Anyway, she'll be safe here.

-That's one way to look at it.

-I hope you're not mad. It's not personal.

-I still have some of your books and maybe few grams of weed.

-That's cool. Don't sweat it. Consider them yours.

-What a great deal for me.

-That's a s.h.i.+tty att.i.tude, Berman. You're smarter than that.

-I'm a f.u.c.king genius.

-Take care of yourself, Berman.

I lingered in front of Rufus's house after he left and watched the wheelbarrows come and go. I waited for the workmen to bring in the last of the Doric columns and then walked home. In another country, under another code, it would have been my duty to return to Rufus's with a gun. But in the suburbs, at the end of my sixteenth summer, this was not an option. Instead, I resorted to a form of civilized murder. By the time I reached my house everyone in Rufus's yard was dead. Rufus, Natasha, my stoner friends. I would never see them again. By the time I got home I had already crafted a new ident.i.ty. I would switch schools, change my wardrobe, move to another city. Later I would avenge myself with beautiful women, learn martial arts, and cultivate exotic experiences. I saw my future clearly. I had it all planned out. And yet, standing in our backyard, drawn by a strange impulse, I crouched and peered through the window into my bas.e.m.e.nt. I had never seen it from this perspective. I saw what Natasha must have seen every time she came to the house. In the full light of summer, I looked into darkness. It was the end of my subterranean life.

CHOYNSKI.

THE PALLIATIVE-CARE DOCTOR, a young Jewish guy in gla.s.ses, prodded around my grandmother's stomach and explained that the swelling wasn't only a result of fluid. Some of it was disease. Disease had now infiltrated her kidneys and pancreas. He said that it was a very horrible disease, this disease, but everybody in the room-except my grandmother-already knew approximately how horrible it was. My grandmother said tank you to the doctor and also said the word hoff several times. Her English was virtually nonexistent and I didn't think the doctor's Yiddish was good enough to understand that the word she kept repeating meant hope.

Outside, in the hall, the doctor explained that it was useless for me to wait around. It could be a month or it could be less, but there was no sense in my canceling my plane ticket. I thanked him and then returned to the living room to watch the second period of the hockey game. In the other room I could hear my mother and aunt lying to my grandmother about what the doctor had said.

The same summer that we were given the diagnosis I had gone to the induction ceremony at the International Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota, New York. This is where I was told to check in with Charley Davis, who was recovering from a stroke but still lived independently in his house in San Francisco. Not that anybody knew very much, but if there was anyone who knew anything about Joe Choynski that person would be Charley Davis.

Joe Choynski was being inducted in the old-timers' category that day. Chrysanthemum Joe, Little Joe, the Professor, the California Terror: he was known as the greatest heavyweight never to win a t.i.tle by the handful of people who still remembered that he'd ever been around. He was America's first great fighting Jew. He quoted Shakespeare in his correspondence. He was a friend to Negroes. Coolies on the San Francisco docks taught him to toughen his fists in pickle vats, which was why he never so much as chipped a bone-bare-knuckle or gloved. Legend had it that he also invented the left hook.

From Los Angeles, I called to find out that my grandmother hadn't had a proper stool in three days and that the enema produced only an insignificant pellet which took her an hour to pa.s.s. Afterward, in her exhaustion, she wasn't able to leave the bedroom until morning. Her dentist called to say that her dentures-which I had dutifully dropped off before leaving town-could not be repaired but needed to be replaced, and my aunt agreed to pay whatever it cost since neither she nor anyone else was prepared to tell my grandmother that she wouldn't be needing new dentures.

My aunt asked exactly where this G.o.d is, especially since my grandfather prays twice a day in synagogue. And my grandmother said that G.o.d will help, that the shark cartilage will help, that the naturopathic professor will help, that it just takes more time before the good cells start fighting the bad cells inside there.

Charley Davis lived in South San Francisco not far from 3Com Park. Back when 3Com Park was Candlestick Park, Charley Davis covered the Giants and the fights for the San Francisco Chronicle. His house was half a mile from the highway and set high on a street of identical houses. Charley let me in and asked me to follow him into the living room. He was wearing blue pajamas under a faded brown robe. He dragged his left leg and his left arm hung as rigid as a penguin's flipper. His house was covered in old fight posters and pictures of guys I recognized and would have traded lives with even though they were already dead. As Charley inched into his armchair and organized his limbs, I concentrated on a framed shot of the Johnson-Jeffries fight.

When he was settled, I sat down on the couch across from him and told him that I was stuck with my Choynski research. I p.r.o.nounced the name the way he had taught me over the phone: Cohen-ski. He asked me if I figured I could identify Choynski in one of the pictures at the Johnson-Jeffries fight. Choynski had worked Jeffries's corner for that Great White Hope fight in Reno. After I pa.s.sed that test we went through our collective Choynski information.

-He was a candy puller.

-Yeah.

-Do you know what that is?

-Not really.

-Me neither.

-He was a blacksmith before he was a candy puller.

-He fought out of the California Club when he met Corbett on the barge.

-When he worked in the candy factory he trained at the Golden Gate Club.

-His father was a publisher. Some Jewish paper.

-He had his own later, Public Opinion. Isadore N. Choynski. He had a bookstore. He graduated from Yale.

-His mother didn't like him boxing.

-He wore his hair long and got into plenty of fights on the docks.

-He lost those two fights to G.o.ddard in Australia.

-He taught Jack Johnson what he needed to know to become champion when they had spent a month together in a Galveston jail in 1901.

The further we went on, the more we had to restrain ourselves from rus.h.i.+ng into each other's arms for the joy of it. I mean, I almost rushed-Charley wasn't getting around that well anymore. Don't look for him in the Boston Marathon, he said.

There really wasn't that much material on Choynski, and I turned out to know more than Charley. Back then I was the world's greatest authority on Joseph B. Choynski, and I still didn't know him at all. I told Charley I didn't know where else to go, I'd run out of places to look for Choynski and didn't like to think that I'd never find him.

I didn't tell him about wanting to know another kind of everything about Choynski. I wanted to follow him as he walked home at night, I wanted to know what he smelled like, to hear the sound of his voice, to know the dimensions of his wife. I wanted to know if the reason he never had kids was because he had taken too many low blows.

-Fighters then were like hobos. Fights were illegal almost everyplace. They just drifted around. There weren't any of those commissions back then and all those letters they have now-WBO, WBC, IBF, whatever the f.u.c.k they are. Look, some places boxers were celebrities, most places they were just trying to make a buck.

I was supposed to come back the next day so he could give me a picture of Choynski to copy. He could have had it ready that day but I also could have been full of s.h.i.+t and he didn't like to waste his time on morons.

After that day with Charley I did my tour of San Francisco. I looked up 1209 Golden Gate Avenue, where the Choynski house used to be. It had been destroyed in the 1906 earthquake. A new development was there in its place, based on old photographs and a general idea but built along a modern formula. The candy factory at Third and Stevenson was nowhere to be found and n.o.body knew where to look for the Golden Gate Club, although in the late 1880s it had stood on that very corner.

I went to the San Francisco Public Library and looked again through the old San Francisco Call Bulletin microfilm. I read about a six-day bicycle race at the Mechanics' Pavilion. The winner was a guy named Miller who rode an Eldridge-brand bicycle 18,000 times around the track for a total of 2,192 miles. This was February 1899, when Choynski fought Kid McCoy and lost the decision. After the fight Eddie Graney, "sportsman, politician, and Joe's best friend," suggested that Joe quit the fight game, since he was no longer the man he used to be.

Each day my grandmother lost something more of herself, as if the disease knew that one day had pa.s.sed and the next had begun. One day she could sit in a chair in her bedroom, the next day she couldn't get out of bed, and the day after that she couldn't turn herself over. A nurse came every other day to look at her; another woman showed up every morning to clean the house and bathe her. Once, when everyone believed she could no longer get up, she walked halfway to the bathroom in the middle of the night, fell, and cut her cheekbone on the dresser.

I called and every word she said that day was reported to me, although, close to the end, she wasn't saying very much. One day my mother heard her moan and asked where it hurt and my grandmother replied her heart. My mother panicked because the doctors hadn't said anything about her heart. My grandmother said her heart hurt for what will happen to my grandfather after. As always, my mother a.s.sured her that she would get better. Idiot, my grandmother said, don't laugh at your mother, soon enough you'll be crying.

Charley had dedicated one bedroom entirely to his boxing memorabilia. He had an award from the Boxing Writers' a.s.sociation of America and a picture of him receiving it in 1982. He had press pa.s.ses from fights in Atlantic City, Tokyo, Sacramento, and other places. There were autographed pictures and framed shots of old-timers. In his closet, he had a filing system of cigar boxes, plastic lunch pails, and tackle boxes. There were gaps on the walls where he'd sold some of his pictures-protruding nails and whitish rectangles denoted absence. Five shots of Tunney and Dempsey had paid his medical bills.

After he fished around for the right cigar box Charley suffered another stroke and dropped everything on the floor. I wasn't fast enough to catch him on his way down, but his right shoulder hit the hardwood first and cus.h.i.+oned the blow to his head. He was still breathing but appeared unconscious. When he fell, Charley scattered some of his old press pa.s.ses. One with a picture of him from the seventies landed on his right pajama leg. The picture testified to the fact that Charley had once been a handsome man.

Before her illness, I used to sit in my grandmother's apartment and listen to her gossip on the phone to her friends in Yiddish. I used to sit with her, my grandfather, and the rest of them as they talked about the war. Before the war they knew how to make ice skates out of wire, wood, and rope. My grandfather made them exactly the same way in Latvia as my great-uncle in Lithuania. Before the war, my grandmother recalled there was character called a sharmanka who went from town to town. He had an accordion and a little white mouse and he could predict the future. (In Russian he was called a katarins.h.i.+k, my grandfather interrupted.) When the sharmanka came to her shtetl all the children ran after him and gave him a few pennies. But my grandmother believed that even if she had asked the right questions, she couldn't have changed the way things turned out.

Still, during the war they all saw miracles-which meant they remained alive while Germans died. G.o.d proved Himself to them even though there was more of the same kind of evidence against Him.

Since they offered, I rode along in the ambulance with Charley. I sat in the back with two attendants. Charley was in bad shape for most of the ride, but by the time they stabilized him he had his own room, and I found myself lingering around the hospital waiting for I wasn't sure what. The doctor had started relying on me for information about Charley, and since I liked the idea of being a partic.i.p.ant in the final drama of Charley's life, I gave the doctor the impression that I knew Charley better than I did.

When I checked in on him later that night Charley was awake but he couldn't speak. The doctor was asking him about his family. There were papers that the doctor needed signed, just in case. Charley could only communicate by writing things down on a pad with what was left of the motor functions in his right hand.

-Do you have anybody you want to contact?

Charley rolled his eyes to that. It was identical to a gesture that a perfectly healthy person would have made.

-Brothers, sisters? Children?

Charley moved his eyes away from the doctor to the other side of the room.

-If you have children, Mr. Davis, you should tell them. They would want to know about this. There may not be another chance.

Charley shook his head wearily. It didn't mean there weren't any children; it meant he wished the doctor would leave him alone. The doctor walked over to Charley's right side with the pad and a pencil. He held it in front of Charley's face and waited.

Charley wrote: JIM FRESNO.

-Is that his last name, Fresno, or is that where he is? Charley shut his eyes and turned his back on the doctor.

There were eight James Davises listed in Fresno and only three of them were home. None of these had a father named Charley Davis in San Francisco. I left five messages for the other James Davises-four on machines and one with a Mexican cleaning lady.

After dinner I got a call from one of my James Davises who said he had a father in San Francisco named Charley Davis.

-What did your father do for a living?

-He was a sportswriter for the Chronicle. He wrote about men trying to knock each other's heads off.

-I think you should come to San Francisco.