The Boy In The Moon Part 1

The Boy in the Moon.

by Ian Brown.

This book is dedicated to Walker Henry Schneller Brown and his many, many friends.

What madness came upon you, what daemon Leaped on your life with heavier Punishment than a mortal man can bear?

No: I cannot even Look at you, poor ruined one.

And I would speak, question, ponder, If I were able. No.

You make me shudder.

SOPHOCLES, Oedipus Rex Oedipus Rex

I like imbeciles. I like their candour. But, to be modest, one is always the imbecile of someone.

RENE GOSCINNY.

one.

For the first eight years of Walker's life, every night is the same. The same routine of tiny details, connected in precise order, each mundane, each crucial.

The routine makes the eight years seem long, almost endless, until I try to think about them afterwards, and then eight years evaporate to nothing, because nothing has changed.

Tonight I wake up in the dark to a steady, motorized noise. Something wrong with the water heater. Nnngah Nnngah. Pause. Nnngah. Nnngah Nnngah. Nnngah.

But it's not the water heater. It's my boy, Walker, grunting as he punches himself in the head, again and again.

He has done this since before he was two. He was born with an impossibly rare genetic mutation, cardiofaciocutaneous syndrome, a technical name for a mash of symptoms. He is globally delayed and can't speak, so I never know what's wrong. No one does. There are just over a hundred people with CFC around the world. The disorder turns up randomly, a misfire that has no certain cause or roots; doctors call it an orphan syndrome because it seems to come from nowhere.

I count the grunts as I pad my way into his room: one a second. To get him to stop hitting himself, I have to lure him back to sleep, which means taking him downstairs and making him a bottle and bringing him back into bed with me.

That sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But with Walker, everything is complicated. Because of his syndrome, he can't eat solid food by mouth, or swallow easily. Because he can't eat, he takes in formula through the night via a feeding system. The formula runs along a line from a feedbag and a pump on a metal IV stand, through a hole in Walker's sleeper and into a clever-looking permanent valve in his belly, sometimes known as a G-tube, or mickey. To take him out of bed and down to the kitchen to prepare the bottle that will ease him back to sleep, I have to disconnect the line from the mickey. To do this, I first have to turn off the pump (in the dark, so he doesn't wake up completely) and close the feed line. If I don't clamp the line, the sticky formula pours out onto the bed or the floor (the carpet in Walker's room is pale blue: there are patches that feel like the Gobi Desert under my feet, from all the times I have forgotten). To crimp the tube, I thumb a tiny red plastic roller down a slide. (It's my favourite part of the routine-one thing, at least, is easy, under my control.) I unzip his one-piece sleeper (Walker's small, and grows so slowly he wears the same sleepers for a year and a half at a time), reach inside to unlock the line from the mickey, pull the line out through the hole in his sleeper and hang it on the IV rack that holds the pump and feedbag. Close the mickey, rezip the sleeper. Then I reach in and lift all 45 pounds of Walker from the depths of the crib. He still sleeps in a crib. It's the only way we can keep him in bed at night. He can do a lot of damage on his own.

This isn't a list of complaints. There's no point to complaining. As the mother of another CFC child once told me, "You do what you have to do." If anything, that's the easy part. The hard part is trying to answer the questions Walker raises in my mind every time I pick him up. What is the value of a life like his-a life lived in the twilight, and often in pain? What is the cost of his life to those around him? "We spend a million dollars to save them," a doctor said to me not long ago. "But then when they're discharged, we ignore them." We were sitting in her office, and she was crying. When I asked her why, she said "Because I see it all the time."

Sometimes watching Walker is like looking at the moon: you see the face of the man in the moon, yet you know there's actually no man there. But if Walker is so insubstantial, why does he feel so important? What is he trying to show me? All I really want to know is what goes on inside his off-shaped head, in his jumped-up heart. But every time I ask, he somehow persuades me to look into my own.

But there is another complication here. Before I can slip downstairs with Walker for a bottle, the bloom of his diaper pillows up around me. He's not toilet-trained. Without a new diaper, he won't fall back to sleep and stop smacking his head and ears. And so we detour from the routine of the feeding tube to the routine of the diaper.

I spin 180 degrees to the battered changing table, wondering, as I do every time, how this will work when he's twenty and I'm sixty. The trick is to pin his arms to keep him from whacking himself. But how do you change a 45-pound boy's br.i.m.m.i.n.g diaper while immobilizing both his hands so he doesn't bang his head or (even worse) reach down to scratch his tiny, plum-like but suddenly liberated backside, thereby smearing excrement everywhere? While at the same time immobilizing his feet, because ditto? You can't let your attention wander for a second. All this is done in the dark as well.

But I have my routine. I hold his left hand with my left hand, and tuck his right hand out of commission under my left armpit. I've done it so many times, it's like walking. I keep his heels out of the disaster zone by using my right elbow to stop his knees from bending, and do all the actual nasty business with my right hand. My wife, Johanna, can't manage this alone any longer and sometimes calls me to help her. I am never charming when she does.

And the change itself: a task to be approached with all the delicacy of a munitions expert in a Bond movie defusing an atomic device. The unfolding and positioning of a new nappy; the signature feel of the scratchy Velcro tabs on the soft paper of the nappy, the disbelief that it will ever hold; the immense, surging relief of finally refastening it-we made it! The world is safe again! The reinsertion of his legs into the sleeper.

Now we're ready to head downstairs to make the bottle.

Three flights, taking it in the knees, looking out the landing windows as we go. He's stirring, so I describe the night to him in a low voice. There's no moon tonight and it's damp for November.

In the kitchen, I perform the bottle ritual. The weightless plastic bottle (the third model we tried before we found one that worked, big enough for his not-so-fine motor skills yet light enough for him to hold), the economy-sized vat of Enfamil (whose bulk alone is discouraging, it implies so much), the tricky one-handed t.i.trating of tiny tablespoon-fuls of Pablum and oatmeal (he aspirates thin fluids; it took us months to find these exact manageable proportions that produced the exact manageable consistency. I have a head full of these numbers: dosages, warm-up times, the frequency of his bowel movements/scratchings/cries/naps). The nightly pang about the fine film of Pablum dust everywhere: Will we ever again have anything like an ordered life? The second pang, of shame, for having such thoughts in the first place. The rummage in the ever-full blue and white dish drainer (we're always was.h.i.+ng something, a pipette or a syringe or a bottle or a medicine measuring cup) for a nipple (but the right nipple, one whose hole I have enlarged into an X, to let the thickened liquid out) and a plastic nipple cap. Pull the nipple into the cap, the satisfying pop pop as it slips into place. The gonad-shrinking microwave. as it slips into place. The gonad-shrinking microwave.

Back up three flights. He's still trying to smash his head. Why does he do it? Because he wants to talk, but can't? Because-this is my latest theory-he can't do what he can see other people doing? I'm sure he's aware of his own difference.

Cart him into the bed in his older sister Hayley's room on the third floor where I have been sleeping, so I can be near him. Hayley, meanwhile, is downstairs with her mother in our bedroom so they can get some sleep. We take turns like this, reduced by the boy to bedroom Bedouins. Neither Johanna nor I has slept two full nights in a row in eight years. We both work during the day. After the first six months, I stopped noticing how tired I was: my days and nights simply became more elastic and similar.

Lay him down on the bed. Oh, f.u.c.k me dead-forgot the pump! Build a wall of pillows around him so he doesn't escape or fall off the bed while I nip back into the other room. Remember 4 cc's (or is it 6?) of chloral hydrate, prescribed for sleep and to calm his self-mutilation. (I tried a dose once: the kick of a double martini. William S. Burroughs was thrown out of school as a kid for experimenting with it.) Reprogram the pump, restart the familiar mild repet.i.tive whine, his night pulse.

At last I sink into bed beside him and pull the wriggling boy close. He begins to hit his head again, and because we know of no acceptable way to restrain him mechanically, I hold down his small right hand with my large right one. This brings his left hand up to his other ear-"he's a genius for finding ways to hurt himself," his teacher told me the other day. I grab his left in my left, which I have threaded behind his head. He begins to kick himself in the crotch with his right heel, so hard it makes me wince. I run my big leg over his little leg, and lay my right hand (holding his right hand) on his left thigh, to keep it still. He's stronger than he looks. Under his birdy limbs, he's granite. He'll mash his ears to a pulp if no one stops him.

There is a chance, of course, that none of this will work. Every once in a while, the chloral hydrate rebounds and transforms him into a giggling drunk. It's not unusual to have to perform the entire routine again an hour later. When he has a cold (eight, ten times a year), he coughs himself awake every twenty minutes. Sometimes he cries for hours for no reason. There are nights when nothing works, and nights when he is up and at it, laughing and playing and crawling all over me. I don't mind those nights, tired as I am: his sight is poor, but in the dark we're equal, and I know this makes him happy. In the night, there can be stretches when he is no different from any normal lively boy. It makes me almost cry to tell you that.

Tonight is a lucky night: I can feel him slip off after ten minutes. He stops grunting, strokes his bottle, turns his back and jams his bony little a.s.s into my hip, a sure sign. He falls asleep.

I hurry after him. For all this nightly nightmare-the years of desperate worry and illness and chronic sleep deprivation, the havoc he has caused in our lives, threatening our marriage and our finances and our sanity-I long for the moment when he lets his crazy formless body fall asleep against me. For a short while, I feel like a regular little boy's father. Sometimes I think this is his gift to me-parcelled out, to show me how rare and valuable it is. Walker, my teacher, my sweet, sweet, lost and broken boy.

In the early years, after Walker was first diagnosed with CFC syndrome at the age of seven months, the estimated number of people who suffered from the syndrome changed every time we visited the doctor. The medical profession-at least the handful of doctors who studied cardiofaciocutaneous syndrome, or knew what it was-was learning about the syndrome as we did. The name itself was nothing more than an amalgam of the syndrome's most prominent symptoms: cardio cardio, for ever-present murmurs and malformations and enlargements of the heart; facio facio, for the facial dysmorphia that was its signal characteristic, a prominent brow and down-sloping eyes; cutaneous cutaneous, for its many skin irregularities. The first time a geneticist ever described the syndrome to me, he told me there were eight other children in the world with CFC. Eight: it wasn't possible. Surely we had been blasted out to an unknown galaxy.

But within a year, after our doctors had begun to sweep the medical literature for references to CFC, I was informed there were 20 cases, because more had turned up in Italy. Then there were 40. (The speed with which the number changed made me sneer at the doctors: they were trained medical professionals, surely they ought to know more than we did.) More than 100 cases of CFC have been reported since the syndrome was first described publicly in three people in 1979; some estimates are as high as 300. Everything about the syndrome was a mystery, an unknown. It was 1986 before it had a name. Symptoms ranged wildly in severity and kind. (Some researchers believe there may be thousands of people with CFC, but with symptoms so mild the condition has never been noticed.) Some CFC children hit themselves, though most didn't. Some could speak or sign. All but a few were anywhere from mildly to severely r.e.t.a.r.ded. Heart defects ranged from serious to unimportant. (Walker had a mild murmur.) Their skin was often sensitive to touch, to the point of agony. Like many CFC children, Walker couldn't chew or swallow easily; he couldn't speak; his vision and hearing were compromised (he had narrowed optic nerves, one more than the other, and skinny ear ca.n.a.ls subject to incessant infection); he was thin and wobbly, "hypotonic" in the medical jargon.

Like virtually all CFC children, he had no eyebrows, spa.r.s.e curly hair, a prominent brow, wide-set eyes, low-set ears and an often charming c.o.c.ktail-party personality. The CFC features grew more noticeable, more "abnormal," as he grew older. I a.s.sumed my little boy was an average example of the condition. It turned out I was wrong. It turned out the average didn't exist-not here.

Nor did those conditions change. Today, at thirteen, mentally, developmentally-I'm terrified even to write these words-he's somewhere between one and three years old. Physically, he's better off than many CFC children (he doesn't have frequent seizures, doesn't have ulcerated intestines); cognitively, less so. He could live to middle age. Would that be good luck, or bad?

Minus a few new genetic details, this was and still is the sum total of what the medical profession knows about CFC. It isn't widely studied, as autism is. Most parents of CFC children know more about the affliction than their pediatricians. The CFC population isn't large and politically powerful like that of Down syndrome, which more than 350,000 people live with in North America, and which occurs once in every 800 births. CFC shows up no more often than once in every 300,000 births, and possibly as rarely as once in a million. The National Inst.i.tutes of Health Office of Rare Diseases characterized CFC as "extremely rare," way out at the far, thin end of the statistical branch, alongside bizarre genetic anomalies such as ChediakHigas.h.i.+ syndrome, a bleeding disorder caused by platelet dysfunction and white cell abnormalities. There were only two hundred known cases of Chediak Higas.h.i.+, in part because so few born with it ever survived.

Raising Walker was like raising a question mark. I often wanted to tell someone the story, what the adventure felt and smelled and sounded like, what I noticed when I wasn't running through darkness. But who could relate to such a human anomaly, to the rare and exotic corner of existence where we suddenly found ourselves? Eleven years would pa.s.s before I met anyone like him.

two.

Early on I learned my son could lift my mood, that I responded to his unusual emotional valence. Many days, even now, follow a pattern: I arrive home from work tired (possibly from being up with him the night before), even defeated: some s.h.i.+p has not only failed to come in, but turns out not to have sailed at all. The daylight is fading. Walker is playing with Olga, his nanny since he was born. Her last name is de Vera, but she's always just Olga to us. If she hasn't already returned with him from a three-hour walk outside (he loves the outside) and given him a bath, I can. I used to do it every other day, back when he was with us all the time. Bathing him brings me back to myself.

I run the bath; fetch him from Olga downstairs (he follows her steadily from the kitchen to the laundry in the bas.e.m.e.nt back up to the kitchen, intermittently conducting self-guided tours of the living room, dining room, piano, front hall, and stairs of our narrow city house; for a long time, until he was six, the stairs were his favourite lounging s.p.a.ce); ea ger ly unburden him of his clothes (the b.u.t.tons, the zips, the geometry problem of extracting his stiff arms from his sleeves, keeping him on his feet, preventing him from slumping to the ground while I am upside down undoing his shoes, wis.h.i.+ng we had bought the Velcro model instead of the laceups); ditch his diaper and perform cleanup if called for. Done. Lift him into the bath, watch him like traffic so he doesn't submerge while I undress in an instant, jump in with him.

Then: we recline in the tub, the smooth of his naked back against my chest. He is as calm as a pond. His nipples are minute, literally the size of rivets. They make me nervous, I don't know why. (I can only imagine.) His shoulder blades and the bones of his back are oddly soft, plastic, bendable, as if covered by some miracle upholstery. The skin of his arms and thighs feels almost manufactured too, too much matte and not enough flow, the cells rampaging, overbuilding, one of the more direct results of the genetic miscues that made him this way.

His body changes so slowly I often forget how much it has has changed. The older he gets, the more noticeable are his deformities-they warned us about that, back when he was a baby. He has a small pot-belly now, which he never did before. When he was younger he was nothing but rope, whereas now around his middle, there is a quarter-inch pinch of flesh, like a roll in a sock. His skin is actually softer than when he was a baby, as if time were running in reverse. changed. The older he gets, the more noticeable are his deformities-they warned us about that, back when he was a baby. He has a small pot-belly now, which he never did before. When he was younger he was nothing but rope, whereas now around his middle, there is a quarter-inch pinch of flesh, like a roll in a sock. His skin is actually softer than when he was a baby, as if time were running in reverse.

At first, when he was an infant, baths upset him. But if you got the temperature right and sat quietly with him for long enough, slowly replacing the cooling water with hot, he calmed down long enough to enjoy it, briefly, until you rinsed his hair or delivered a new shocking sensation to his exterior: CFCers hate new stimuli, their nerves seem to be permanently scalded. Over time, he grew to like the bathwater; it seemed to free his all-too-loosely-linked limbs, lighten the load gravity imposed on them. The irony was that water had been one of his original nemeses: too much amniotic fluid in the womb, some of it aspirated before birth; also too much fluid in the brain, filling his overlarge cerebellar cavities.

He laughs more when he's in the bath. Of course I like to think he laughs because he's with me, but that's absurd. He'll laugh with almost anyone.

Another day. This morning we're up before breakfast, while everyone else sleeps. We've started to let him get up when he wants to, to give him the illusion of choosing. Walker and I are in the kitchen, and I am making my daily inventory of his body: his ears (he has cauliflower ears from hitting himself, p.r.o.ne to constant infection), his nose (don't ask), his general well-being. He's playing with a Baggie filled with pop-can tabs. Olga saves them. I don't know why she saves them but there are hundreds of pop-can tabs, secured and wrapped and secreted around the house-awaiting some strange catastrophe for which Olga endlessly prepares.

Maybe the catastrophe of her eventual absence? Olga saved our lives. She had been looking after the dying mother of a prominent capitalist when we found her through the Filipino nanny mafia. Hayley was a year old. Olga had worked around the world as a caregiver and a maid, after being forced to leave nursing college in Manila to provide for her family. When Walker appeared two years later, trouble from day one, Olga enveloped him. He was a shorter version of her: compact, intent, difficult to distract. She washed his clothes and kept his room and managed his meds and fed and changed and walked him for hours on end and sang him to sleep; and if she didn't, she helped us do it. She did laundry the way pilgrims perform religious rituals, precisely and at least twice a day. Only at night and in the morning and on weekends, when she went home, did the house feel less secure: we were on our own again, Olgaless. Nothing fazed Olga-not screaming nor illness nor filth nor disaster. She wrote down everything Walker-related-number and nature of bowel movements, duration of walks, his mood, medicines and dosages four times a day, spells and fits, the odd proverb, our various whereabouts-in a coiled notebook she kept on the microwave: Nov. 19 A.M.

Walker Brown 10:30-chloral 11:00-Peptamol/Claritin/Risperidone Poo=Yes=M=Reg Bath=Yes If she wasn't looking after Walker, she rubbed Hayley's back and feet. Hayley called her "Olgs." She had no special qualifications to look after a boy as complex as Walker-beyond endless patience, an imagination, an eccentric sense of humour, cast-iron reliability, a love of the cellphone and a ma.s.sive heart that did not distinguish between the needs of one person and the next. On the rare occasions Walker fell asleep, she devoured every newspaper in the house at the kitchen table. She was my age, exactly. Every couple of months she and forty Filipina girlfriends would stack themselves into a package-tour bus and drive to Orlando or Las Vegas or Chicago or New York or Atlantic City and back, in five days. After that, maybe even Walker was a vacation.

The Baggie full of pop-can tabs that Walker is mauling is metallic pulp: he pulls it and grasps it and flattens it, working it continuously between his flank-steak hands like a robot's rosary, a thing to calm the future. Like something out of Blade Runner Blade Runner. I don't know why he does it, what it means to him; I have to be content instead with the only certainty I have, which is that he likes to touch the bag, a lot. This is one unusual thing about having a boy like Walker: he has his own life, his own secret world, always has. It gives him a grave, adult air, even as a boy. He has things to do, objects to press.

Is it the sharp tabs under the softness of the plastic bag-two equal and opposite feelings at the same time? Maybe a plastic bag filled with pop-can tabs is Walker's version of negative capability, the objective correlative of Keats's ideal of equal and opposite notions held in the mind at the same time without having a nervous breakdown, without choosing one over the other. An idea reduced to something physical. Or maybe I'm reaching. He gives me no choice but to reach this way. He and I invent our world together every moment I am with him. How are you, Walkie How are you, Walkie? What are you doing What are you doing? Ah, you're banging the bag of pop-can tabs, trying to find some music somewhere. Is that it? Ah, you're banging the bag of pop-can tabs, trying to find some music somewhere. Is that it?

There are worse ways to pa.s.s time.

Everything about him compels me, unless it terrifies me, and sometimes it does both. Today, up in his room, before we clump downstairs one step at a time, hand on the banister-he always leads with his left foot-we have a pillow fight. It lasts twenty minutes, longer than I've ever known his enthusiasm to endure. For the first time in ten years, I discover that he loves to be batted with a pillow. Astonishment-how did I miss this?-pleasure, a little boredom when it drags on too long, but (overall) happiness because he is happy. Before the chloral hydrate seeped into his system, while he was still standing beside his bed trying to defecate (his morning ch.o.r.e, right out of bed, whammo!), his defecation look on his impa.s.sive face (and the act does have its own look), he was cranky and upset, rasping his fingers at the site of his G-tube as if it were an open-pit mine. Not breaking the skin; just abrading it, minor stuff by Walker's self-punis.h.i.+ng standards. The skin was white, chafed. I imagine it was painful, though he seems not to feel pain much, another sign of his syndrome. In any event, I love to come down the stairs with him. It feels like progress. I hate his room, that forgotten lair on the third floor. I hate the wall-to-wall sky blue carpet, and the Babar posters (which never change, like him), and the crick-crack wooden craft-show belt rack that's always falling apart (he's never owned a belt that has fit him, that was small enough for the tiny waist above the long-limbed legs). The multiple chests of drawers (unmatched, wicker versus IKEA) packed with clothes we can't bring ourselves to throw away; the $10,000 veil bed hulking against one wall like an altar, encased in a tent of mesh, to prevent him escaping; the $1,200 stainless-steel IV tree standing in the corner of the room like neglected Uncle Bertie (but which we can't throw away, in case an emergency arises, in case we need it again: Christ, what if we need it again?); the rocking chair my mother gave me as a boy, now broken, one of her few connections to my son. And of course Clarence the Clown, the nightmarish plastic clown's head that comes apart in slices, the eyes, the nose, the mouth, while Clarence talks to you, letting you rearrange his face, sad, happy, Cubist, terrorist. Is that telling-that a toy whose face he can rearrange and distort should be my dysmorphic boy's favourite? Or is the appeal that he can turn the electronic voice on and off, unlike his own? You tell me. I hate his room because it feels like an out-of-date museum, a place that, like my son, rarely progresses.

He has the body of an old boxer: square, really, like a s.h.i.+rt box on end. His arm cans-rigid fabric tubes that prevent him from bending his elbows, so he can't deliver smas.h.i.+ng upper cuts to his skull all day long-prevent him from developing big biceps, but he has tough lumps of muscle on his forearms. His face is heavy in the lower jaw, full in the cheeks: he has no chin to speak of. Curly hair, but no eyebrows, where he's as bald as a s.p.a.ceman. A wide nose, characteristic of this syndrome (and of many others, too). Thick lips, especially the lower one, "patulous," the doctors called it, back when he was still a novelty. Square teeth, yellowed from the formula, but undecayed. Hands like gloves, huge for his size. The helmet he wears more and more of the time now is royal blue, a polished slippery foam-the blows glance off it. It came with a rainbow-coloured strap, someone else's gesture at inclusiveness. (Is Walker as strange to the outside world as a transgendered person? I sometimes wonder.) He can hurt himself and others swinging his arms, b.u.t.ting with his head; he even hits Ginny, our border terrier, unintentionally. She doesn't hold it against him. I, too, always give Walker the benefit of the doubt.

There are now two and three-quarter rooms in the house dedicated to his belongings. He expanded his domain gradually, but his empire is still the same size today, three years after he moved out, at the age of eleven, to the group home. He spends a week and a half there and then three days at home, but we keep our version of Walker's world intact. Because of course we can never let him leave us, even if he wants to. There's an entire room on the third floor, next to his bedroom, dedicated to the storage of toys he's never played with and clothes he's never worn-the archaeological history of our futile belief that this or that plaything would pull him out of his closed-off world, into our own more public s.p.a.ce. They rarely did.

There are drawers of clothes Walker was given by outsiders as presents-clothes that required too much threading or b.u.t.toning, clothes made of the wrong fabrics for his ultrasensitive skin, decent intentions that had flummoxed dozens of people as they racked their brains wondering what on earth they could buy our strange and limited boy. The dinosaur castle that cost a hundred dollars and occupies him for five minutes a month, if he's up here within sight of it. Mr. Wonderful, the doll that when you press its stomach says all the right things: "Honey, why don't you take the remote. As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch." That held his focus for fifteen seconds. My wife, however, got a couple of laughs out of it.

On the other hand, a gable from an old gingerbread house stuck to a paper plate-petrified and long inedible-attracts him whenever he sees it. As does a plastic bag of Christmas ornaments, another Olga invention, good for a few hundred dozen hand-rolls a day. Panels and puzzles and b.a.l.l.s and sparklers and buzzers and Plasticine, activity boards, pop-goes-the-weasel boxes, enough educational toys to change the future of Africa, dolls, stuffed animals, costumes-all languish like a reproach in a series of white laundry baskets.

Downstairs in the bas.e.m.e.nt, in the old sauna we use for storage (who has had time for a sauna?), are even more unusual objects, the truly frightening stuff we were lent by the social services departments of various levels of government for the therapists to use when they came by the house. When Walker was an infant there was a good chance that whenever I stepped into our house I would find a woman in her thirties or forties in denim coveralls, sitting on the floor of my living room, patting him, stimulating his cheeks, manipulating his hands, patiently repeating the same sound or the same gesture over and over and over and over again. Every time I walked in and saw such a woman I felt both a pang of grief, as I remembered once more that I had a son who needed her help, and a surge of hope and grat.i.tude-because perhaps this session would be the breakthrough that would send him on his way to a normal life. I still feel both lurches when I see him with a new, fresh, undefeated teacher.

To this day in the sauna, for instance, there is a set of plastic yellow half-buckets, each three inches high, each with a different gizmo in the bottom. One, for example, has a yin-yang wheel, a black and white swirl with a k.n.o.b to twirl it. I understand the yinyang wheel: infants respond well to contrast, to black and white patterns. Around the edge of the yin-yang wheel, in turn, are metal rivets, which ding whenever the yin-yang wheel is churned. Ding ding ding ding ding Ding ding ding ding ding! Something vaguely Nepalese, Tibetan. Surely that would work for my little Buddhist? The gizmo, in any event, is inside, on the bottom of the yellow bucket. There are two holes in the bottom of the bucket, too, possibly finger grips, possibly drool-drains, possibly both. I have never been able to understand, quite, how to use this device, and I have never seen it hold Walker's attention for more than two seconds-literally, not even for two seconds. But we keep it anyway, because maybe (as noted) this will be the magic bucket, the contraption that changes everything. A paper label has been laminated onto the outside of the yellow demi-bucket: FINE MOTOR DEVELOPMENT MATERIALS.

TWIST, TURN AND LEARN.

FULL CHIME MODULE # 10.

And beneath that, rubber-stamped in ink: METRO SPECIAL.

PROGRAM [VISION].

I don't know which is more depressing: the awkward clunky design, the incomprehensible finger/drool holes, the bureaucratic stamps (#10, one of many), the full chime designation (perhaps the quarter-chime module would have worked more effectively?), or the even more bureaucratic division (vision) within the larger division (metro special program), with its inference of large and all-seeing provincial and national programs above, each nesting down, like a know-it-all, to smaller and smaller sub-jurisdictions until finally, at last, we reach this tiny, ugly, brutal, awkward, clumsy, two-holed yellow plastic corner of the system that has been reserved for my unfixable boy. The touching hopefulness and yet utter hopelessness of that label, the grunting Neanderthal conception of human nature (stimulus/response, good/bad, on/off) it reflects. Or is it just that there are four more yellow plastic activity buckets downstairs, just like this one but different? A plane with a movable propeller. A clown with a spinning bow tie. A bunch of flowers on wobbly stems. The major cliches, because children respond well to cliches-at least normal children do, but not Walkie. Each yellow bucket as awkward to operate as the next one; each one a reminder of how dark and murky and flat-out basic our understanding of childhood development actually is, how little we know. But stackable: the buckets have that going for them, they're stackable. I know stackable, how crucial stackability is in a house full of junk and disappointment.

Every time I look at the yellow activity buckets (and I put them in the sauna so I wouldn't have to look at them) I see the history of Walker's life in their minute details. They are only a few of the carefully labelled contraptions the educational councils and special a.s.sistance boards and special access groups lent us-lent us! Expecting us to wash them and give them back when the problem was solved! As if the problem would one day be solved. As if when that day came we would be able to find them again in the avalanche of toys we lived under, figure out which of a dozen agencies they had come from, and where that agency was now, wash them up and then load them into the car-maybe Walker would come along-and drive them back! Lovely dream. I wish it worked that way, my G.o.d more than anyone I wish it worked that way. us! Expecting us to wash them and give them back when the problem was solved! As if the problem would one day be solved. As if when that day came we would be able to find them again in the avalanche of toys we lived under, figure out which of a dozen agencies they had come from, and where that agency was now, wash them up and then load them into the car-maybe Walker would come along-and drive them back! Lovely dream. I wish it worked that way, my G.o.d more than anyone I wish it worked that way.

Instead, the yellow buckets live in the unused sauna, make me feel guilty to this day, one more task I have not had time to accomplish. There was a clearly delineated system designed to teach skills to Walker. Acuity of vision! Gross motor skills! Handsound a.s.sociations! The ability to stick his finger in a G.o.dd.a.m.n hole! Why could I not hew to the system? Surely other parents did-that's why the system was designed the way it was. So I was once convinced, in any event.

Never mind that the system never taught the boy anything.

The most mysterious of the loaned and purloined devices is the red and white triangular box. This contraption has a tape-laminated label too: TOYS FOR SPECIAL CHILDREN.

PLASTIC PRISM.

#5 Catalogued The three long sides of the triangular box are red; the end caps are white. Four of the five sides are designed to stimulate The Child in a different way.

One side has a mirror-a mirror so scratched it resembles a patch of pavement, but a mirror nonetheless.

Another side has two b.u.t.tons on either side of a light. The light is in the middle of a depressed circle.

A third side has another depression, in which there is a smiley face pattern in tiny red lights; below the face there is a wooden roller that does not roll, but that clicks when pushed.

Finally, on the bottom of the contraption is a string that once upon a time lit up the face lights. In my experience the lights never worked, but that is the theory. The theory is that if The Child pulls the string, the face lights go on, whereupon The Child will be stimulated to move his or her hand toward the roller below the face, and the roller will make its little noise. The intention and theory of the device are represented by a formula: string + lights = face recognition with voice/noise a.s.sociation The purpose of the toy, then, was to teach Walker to a.s.sociate faces with voices, to pattern into his mind the concept that a face and a voice might be related. At least that is my best guess. I tried to call the manufacturer, to learn just what the device was supposed to teach my boy, who sometimes smiles at me when I put my face next to his and call his name, but the manufacturer's name is not on the toy. Perhaps this would have been too distracting.

I still remember the day, back when Walker was an infant, when my wife came up with the idea of storing a toy basket on every floor of the house. I thought it was a stroke of genius; I thought we had the problem licked. But all these years later they're still there, stuck and full, as we often are.

three.

What irritated Dr. Norman Saunders, Walker's pediatrician, was that the hospital hadn't called him soon enough after Johanna delivered an obviously troubled baby five weeks early. Certainly something seemed off that day. It was the twenty-third of June, 1996, a Sunday. I was at work, hosting a three-hour weekly public radio show. Johanna called me after the second hour: she was in labour. Her voice was only a notch off its usual calm. My brother drove her to the hospital, one that specialized in women's health. I finished work, and met them there. Her own doctor was on holiday; the delivery would be supervised by one of her doctor's partners, a tall mild man named Lake. Walker wasn't his fault, of course, but I never forgave him anyway.

Something else was off that day, besides my wife's regular doctor: the way the boy, the moment after he came out, slumped in the obstetrician's hand. He wore a strange defeated look, as if he knew something was wrong. His skin was jaundiced. His lungs hadn't opened well, and the interns whisked him off to a table, where for several minutes they pressed an oxygen mask to his tiny mouth and nose. For several years afterwards I wondered if forced oxygen had contributed to his delays-as it can. "Whew," I heard the tall intern whisper to his colleagues a few moments later, "I'm glad he started breathing when he did." That's when the steady low-grade panic began, the worry that has marked Walker's life since that day. The lurch of his life. The signs were there from the beginning. That strange flock of wild, curly hair, piled in a strip on top of his oblong head-an unexpected pattern. The other day I found myself riding my bicycle past the hospital where he was born and nearly spat at it. I hate the place, even the yellow bricks it's made of. But, we reasoned, he was premature; naturally he was lethargic. (No one spots CFC at this stage.) He refused his mother's breast on alternate feeds and one of his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es hadn't descended and he could open only one eye. Still, by the time he saw Dr. Saunders for his first checkup two days later, the kid had gained 300 grams.

Even on that inaugural visit, however-I know this now from examining Walker's medical records-Dr. Saunders began to note odd details in my son's chart. Palate unnaturally high Palate unnaturally high. Flaccid muscle tone Flaccid muscle tone. Small palpebral fissures Small palpebral fissures, or eye openings; lowered lowered, rotated ears rotated ears; a fold in the skin on his nasal bridge. Hayley had been a star baby. Saunders wasn't so enthusiastic about her brother.

Two days later, Walker had lost most of the weight he'd gained. Johanna was beside herself, deep in a hormonal trance in which her only concern was to get the boy to eat.

He didn't seem to be able to suck, and he needed an hour to ingest half an ounce of milk. When he did get it down, he threw it up. His body didn't want to survive. "We do want this child to live, don't we?" Saunders snapped one morning on yet another of our visits to his office. I decided it was a rhetorical question.

Saunders' question implied another, unstated: "This child cannot live without going to extraordinary lengths; do you want to go to those lengths and live with the consequences?" Even if he had asked it outright, I can't imagine my answer would have been anything but yes. All the ethical theorizing in the world can't change the pressures of the moment: the squalling baby on the examining table, his distended stomach, the doctor's obvious concern, his father standing gormlessly by. The call of the physical child and his need.

It was only later, alone, at night, having battled for hours to get him to sleep, only to find myself sleepless, that I sometimes considered the cost of his life, and the alternatives. Had the doctor been asking me if I wanted to let Walker's life end, as nature would have ended it on its own? I sat on the back steps of our little house in the heart of the city at 4 a.m., smoking and thinking the unthinkable. Criminal thoughts, or at least outlandish ones: what if we don't take extraordinary measures? What if he gets sick and we don't work so hard to get him better? Not murder, just nature. But even as I considered these grave plans, I knew I could never enact them. I'm not bragging; my hesitation wasn't ethical or moral. It was a more medieval urge, instinctual and physical; fear of a particular mode of failure, fear of retribution if I ignored the dull call of his flesh and his body and his need.