Shadowborn - Captivity Part 15

"Only a few would take the risk to be really Powerful," he corrected again with a faint, strange smile. "We all have our limits, but we don't know in advance what those limits are. Most are content to wield only that amount of Power they already know they can handle. Some try for more, and some of them die. Those who live either strut around crowing about how good they are, or keep quiet while they continue on. Annoying the G.o.ds with your bragging is a good way to find your limit sooner rather than later."

"So it could come at any time," I said, really upset as I looked up into his eyes. He'd come back to stand near me, but that didn't explain why I was feeling so strangely bothered. "The very next time you try to do more than you've already done... And this campaign means you keep having to do more."

"No, that isn't true," he said hurriedly, putting a gentle hand to my face. "Most of what I do on this campaign is less than what I've already done, no matter how involved it looks to others. I can see I shouldn't have told you all that, or at least not in this particular way. Now you're worried about me, even though there's no need for it."

"Worried?" I repeated blankly, then instantly jerked back from the touch of his hand. "That's ridiculous. Why would I be worried about you?"

I was already turned away from him by then, so I used a few steps to increase the distance between us. My heart was pounding above the sour taste in my mouth, and all because of a silly misunderstanding. I wasn't worried about Fearin, how could I be? He didn't mean any more to me than I meant to him; I knew I didn't mean anything to the man, so why would I care about him?

"I didn't mean to insult you," he said softly after a moment, clearly still in the place where he'd been. "You only worry over someone you care about, and Kenoss women are too strong to care. Isn't that the way it works?"

"Of course it is," I answered very low, seeing no reason to tell him he was wrong. Women among the Kenossi were strong in their caring, but for someone like me... What was the use in even thinking about it?

"Then I have a favor to ask," he said, and his voice was still soft with a lack of demand.

"Kenossi women are too strong to care - or to need being cared about - but the rest of us aren't the same. We're ordinary mortals with mortal failings, and some of us do have weaknesses and needs. With all the people around who fear me, if just one who didn't could bring herself to pretend... I never knew I needed that, but apparently I do."

"Needed - what?" I asked, turning my head to see that he stood looking at me where I was, an air of forlornness about him. It was almost as though he wanted desperately to come closer, but didn't dare.

"I need to have someone care about me," he answered quietly, his blue gaze unwavering. "I need someone to care about me, the man, not the man of Power. I know it's an unreasonablething to want in the middle of a campaign like this, but I can't seem to control the desire. That's why I'm asking you a favor. Do you think you could ... pretend to care, even though you really don't?"

With those very blue eyes directly on me, all I could do was stare back in silence. He wanted me to pretend to care for him? To pretend that I wanted his arms around me, his broad, hard body pressed up against mine? I felt in memory the gentle demand of his touch, the warmth of his lips, the excitement of his desire. How could I pretend I really wanted all that?

"You don't have to mean it," he urged in a murmur, and I blinked back to reality to see that he now stood looking down at me from less than a pace away. "I've come to realize that some people consider showing their feelings the worst kind of self-betrayal, so I'd never ask you to really mean it. But I thought that pretending... Since you have to stay with me anyway for the rest of the moon... You'll suffer, I know, but - Will you do it?"

He wasn't touching me at all, and somehow that made it worse. I hadn't realized how close and airless the tent was, how desperately I was beginning to long for the cool of the forest night. I wanted to run through that night, as fast as I could, away from impossible dreams and painful favors...

But I also couldn't help but remember how he'd helped me that night, after the beast had faded.

No one had ever before stayed with me during the illness of that time, stayed and worked to support me through it. Help given demands help in return, especially if it's asked for.

"I'll - try," I whispered at last, needing to warn him that I might fail. "I'm not very good at pretending..."

"We'll work on it together," he promised softly, and then his arms were around me, holding me carefully to his chest. "If I pretend too, it should go a lot more easily for you. I can't tell you how much this favor means to me..."

His hand raised my face so that I might see his smile, and then he was lowering his lips to mine.

My hands were against his chest, and as the warmth of his kiss began to flow into me I suddenly realized I was trying to hold him away. That was no way to keep my promise to try, so I slid my hands to the broad hardness of his back, holding him the way he was holding me.

Suddenly his arms tightened around me, and his kiss became a good deal deeper. He swept me along with him, but after too short a time he ended it.

"Yes, I can see you'll do just fine," he murmured as he kissed my eyes. "And now I think it's time to move us both into bed. If I don't do it right now, we'll be spending the night on this carpeting."

His grin was faint but definitely there, and then he bent down to lift me into his arms. The intention caught me by surprise, so he'd already started to lift me before I could even begin to protest. From the way his grin widened I knew he would have ignored any verbal protests, but then he felt one that was absolutely physical.

"Chaos unending!" he shouted as my scabbard slammed into him, the contact loud enough to hear. "That triple-d.a.m.ned sword!"

Very abruptly I was back on my feet, and Fearin was bending to rub at the places where he'd been caught. It was such a wildly unexpected change from what we'd been in the middle of that I had to work to keep from laughing aloud. Men seemed to use that picking-up-a-woman a lot, but apparently it didn't work very well with women who were armed.

"Don't you dare laugh," he growled in warning as he glared over at me, making it even harder for me to keep my face straight. "Half a hand more to the left and there would have been no reason for you not to go back to your tent. I'm tempted to believe Prince Ijarin gave you that weapon on purpose, knowing in advance what it would try to do to me."

"If that was Ijarin's intention, I think he would have made the effort himself," I suggested, turning away to hide an expression I knew couldn't be trusted to keep the amus.e.m.e.nt hidden.

"He may be a pest, but he also strikes me as being reasonably honorable."

"All right, that's it," I heard from behind me, and then I was being pulled back to face Fearin.His big hands quickly unbuckled the swordbelt and threw it away, and then they were wrapped around my arms again.

"You are not going to be defending Prince Ijarin," I was told very sternly, the hands on my arms shaking me just a little. "I'd be happiest if you never went near the man again, but since that's impossible we won't even discuss the point. What we will discuss is that if he needs defending, you'll let one of the others take care of the matter. That as well as anything else the prince might want."

"I don't understand," I said, shaking my head with the confusion I felt. "What is it about Ijarin that's disturbing you?"

"It's - his distraction," Fearin said quickly after something of a hesitation, his expression clearing as he released my arms. "You're in the middle of doing me a very difficult favor, and I don't want it made harder yet. That's why I don't want him distracting you with his bother, distracting and - bothering you. Do you understand?"

"Oh ... sure," I managed to answer with a weakly smile, preferring not to admit that I hadn't the faintest idea of what he was talking about. It was possible the strain was getting to be too much for Fearin, and if he didn't relieve it by occasionally acting really strange he would explode.

"Good, I'm glad you understand," he said with a better smile than mine, then the smile widened into a grin. "Now, where were we? Oh, yes, I remember."

And then I was abruptly off the floor, this time with nothing to stop him including my wordless squawk of protest. He laughed as he carried me through a hanging to the bed he'd made for us, and after that we went back to pretending for quite a long while.

Chapter 15.

We got an early start the next morning, dawn already finding us on our way. I wore another new outfit, this time in shades of green, and I couldn't say I didn't need it. Fearin hadn't let me get out of my clothes for a long time the night before, and they'd been nothing but sweat-soaked, wrinkled lumps when we'd awakened.

The army of guardsmen moved at a brisk pace, but even a briskly moving army doesn't go very fast. My horse had no trouble keeping up throughout the morning, and was still fresh when we stopped for the noon meal. I was a little tired from lack of sleep, but otherwise felt marvelous.

I'd spent the morning's ride letting my thoughts drift, and that had made my mood even better.

Everyone was busy with preparations for the great revelation, scheduled to be made during the meal stop. Talasin would speak to one regiment at a time, Garam beside him, and soon the whole army would know where we were going. The two had ridden ahead with Fearin and taken an early meal with him, and now Fearin sat alone in the tent he'd made. He'd stay in the tent until we knew how the army was taking the news - as a just-in-case.

I dismounted and tied my horse to a small tree, giving him enough rein to let him graze, then wandered away to think more of my own thoughts. I'd seen Ijarin that morning, but only from a distance. The barbarian was riding with his men, and although he'd looked my way he'd made no effort to come any closer. I walked along through the thick carpet of gra.s.s underfoot, pleased that the barbarian had kept his distance, but even more curious. I still didn't really understand why Fearin suddenly disliked Ijarin so, and would have enjoyed asking if he knew the reason...

"Aelana, wait!" I heard from behind me, and although I would have preferred to continue on I stopped and turned around. Ranander hurried up, a smile on his face, friendliness in his dark eyes. "If you're going to walk instead of eat I'll walk with you," he said. "I don't have much of anything to do right now either."

"What about the girls?" I asked, turning to look at the small pavilion they'd been put into forthe time. "Didn't Fearin want you to help keep an eye on them?"

"They had their meal and now they're taking a nap," he answered with a headshake. "Besides, he's using the Power to protect them right now. He kept you really late last night. I wanted to make sure he didn't hurt you."

"No, Fearin didn't hurt me," I rea.s.sured Ranander, smiling somewhere on the inside. "At one point he gave me a stern lecture about worrying people for no reason and made me give him my word not to do it again, but he didn't hurt me."

"I'm glad," Ranander said with a wide, relieved smile, walking along beside me as I continued to stroll. "I respect Fearin and admire him for his courage and ability, but you do have to be careful when you're alone with him. At least until you learn what he's really like."

"How hard is it to know what he's really like?" I asked with some of the amus.e.m.e.nt I felt.

"Fearin doesn't pretend to be something he's not, and he seems to think it's required of him to treat people fairly. What's so sinister about that?"

"Oh, he's not sinister," Ranander scoffed with a laugh, but then he grew sober again. "He's just ... different from the rest of us. Even Master Lokkel occasionally makes use of one of the camp women, for instance, but Fearin refuses to touch them. He claims his taste runs to more innocent meat, and he'd been looking forward to taking the city. He was expecting to find any number of girls to play the game with."

"The - game?" I echoed, a sudden disturbance making me stop to look up at Ranander. "What game?"

"Oh, Fearin likes to play a game with girls too innocent to know better than to believe him,"

Ranander answered with a dismissive wave of one hand. "He could use the Power to make them believe anything he says, but he claims it's more fun talking them into going along with him. He tells them how lonely he is, how hard it is to be a man of Power, and by the time he's done they're giving him anything he wants. He thinks treating them like that is funny, especially when he gets tired of them and tells them the truth. They feel so humiliated they just run away, and he doesn't have to be bothered anymore. I never thought that was very funny, but he says I have no sense of humor. Do you think it's funny?"

He stood waiting for an answer to his question, his dark eyes looking down at me, but I couldn't say anything. My lips parted as I reached for words, but they simply weren't there. All I found was a terrible illness, worse than anything I'd ever felt. It rose up inside and began to overwhelm me, and all I could do was turn and run.

I ran through the small stand of trees almost to its other side, then stopped just as suddenly as I'd started. Ranander hadn't followed the way I'd been afraid he would, so I could just stand there and be alone. Not far away I could see guardsmen moving through the temporary camp, or lying down in the meadow gra.s.s, or - "You stupid fool!" I whispered aloud, putting both hands to the rough bark of a tree as I closed my eyes in shame. The feared Kenoss fighter, the horrifying Shadowborn - made a fool of by a man who had seen right through her.

"He knew how you felt about him and he took advantage of it," I whispered harshly, folding to the ground as my hands trailed down the tree. And I'd thought I'd kept it so secret, even from myself. Fearin was a beautiful man, broad and handsome and skilled and self-a.s.sured - and one who couldn't possibly find interest in me as I now was. I'd wanted him to be interested, wanted it very badly - and then he'd asked me to pretend - There were tears running down my cheeks backed by the sobs heaving my chest, but I didn't care. It hurt so much I thought I would break, shatter like gla.s.s and be left scattered and dead in those woods forever. I'd been hurt in my life, many times and sometimes so badly I'd thought I'd die, but I'd never before wanted to die. Now I did, and I wished with all my heart that it would happen.

But of course it wouldn't. Even with tears streaming down my face I knew that, and I couldn't say I didn't deserve to have the pain continue. I should have known better than to trust him,should have known better than to believe anything would ever change for me. I'd been happy this morning, having forgotten there was no such thing as happiness, not for me, not ever. They care about you, he'd said, not I care about you. He hadn't lied about that, at least, but I hadn't even noticed.

I sat there cross-legged, holding to the tree as the terrible ache moved through me, and after a while the tears went away. As usual the tears hadn't changed anything at all, and I was glad when they stopped. My head felt heavy and I was completely drained, two more things to add to all the rest. When you act like a fool, you find out what a lot of different sensations feel like.

I have no idea how long I sat there hating myself, but the longer my thoughts raged on the worse I felt. He'd been playing a game, for the G.o.ds' sake, because his tastes ran to innocent meat. Me, innocent meat! At some point the rage began to grow, a dirty, ugly tide that wanted to drown me in blood red. His blood red. The sword Ijarin had given me hung around my hips, and I could feel the thirst in it to slice flesh and stain the ground - No! I opened my eyes to stare at the tree, knowing killing Fearin would be too easy. I would give myself the pleasure of that eventually, but not with a weapon and not before I returned some of the hurt and humiliation he'd given me. I would shred his pride before I shredded his body, in as many ways as I could. I needed something really good to start with, something - My left hand had gone to the hilt of my sword, and just like that I had the answer. Ijarin, and the sudden dislike Fearin had developed for him. The others had all said Ijarin was after me, and for the physical, at least, it was possible they were right. If I gave Ijarin what he wanted I could then turn around and laugh at Fearin, telling him in so many words that the barbarian was able to satisfy me in a way Fearin couldn't. The man of Power would be furious with damaged pride, and that would be the perfect start.

"Yes." I spoke the word aloud with great satisfaction, softly but with deep feeling. I would attack Fearin's pride at every point it was possible to reach, and then I might well have the good fortune to find him attacking me. At that point I would simply be defending myself, and whatever happened could not be laid at my feet by Diin-tha.

I got to my feet and began to look around, this time with purpose. Ijarin had been with his men, and I'd caught a glimpse of them ... There! West of the stand of trees I'd stopped in and well out of the way. He must have been warned about the announcement scheduled to be made, and was keeping his group out from under foot in case there was trouble.

"And they've even put up a tent," I muttered to myself, seeing most of the riders outside the thing. "Maybe they're afraid their prince will melt if he's left out in the sun too long. It would be typical of barbarians..."

I let the words trail off and didn't restart them. If I was going to use Ijarin to get back at Fearin, the least I could do was refrain from insulting the barbarian. I nodded to myself as I started off in that direction, acknowledging the fact that I had to be fair. Afterward I would owe Ijarin something for the help he would be, and I would pay the debt even if it meant listening to details about that stupid prophecy.

It didn't take long to reach their tiny camp-within-a-camp, and the men I pa.s.sed looked at me with curiosity. They were dressed the same as Ijarin, boots, tight trousers and bare-chested, and all were armed. I strode right past them and into the tent, which was open in the center both front and back to create a nicely comfortable breeze. The barbarian and two of his men sat to the left, drinking wine, but all three came quickly to their feet when I appeared so abruptly.

"I want to talk to you," I said to Ijarin, ignoring the other two. "Right now, and alone."

I expected his men to have the good sense to leave immediately, but rather than doing that they both looked at the barbarian. He was busy inspecting me with those light eyes of his, both brows slightly raised. After a moment he smiled faintly and nodded, and the two finally left.

"They're not sure it's safe to leave me alone with you," Ijarin said when they were gone, his amus.e.m.e.nt obvious. "They can see you're the one the sword was made for, and also know the last thing you said to me. They really don't care for the idea of having to take my dead bodyhome to my father."

"Then let's set their minds at rest, even if it's only a little," I returned, reaching to my swordbelt. Opening the belt and dropping it to the ground took no more than a moment, and then I was able to move closer to Ijarin. "Now, push me."

"Do what?" he asked blankly, the amus.e.m.e.nt gone behind brow-raising puzzlement. "What are you talking about?"

"I said, push me!" I repeated in a harder tone, having no patience for bush-beating. "Put your hands to my shoulders and push."

He clearly still had no idea what I was doing, but he could see I was in no mood to waste time answering questions. Since I stood no more than a pace in front of him with my fists to my hips, it took no effort at all on his part to reach out with both hands. The strength he put into the push might have bothered the balance of a toddler just learning to walk, but since I was expecting little or nothing I was completely prepared. As soon as I felt the feather-light double tap I let myself fall backward, flat down to the thick, cus.h.i.+oning meadow gra.s.s the tent had been pitched over.

"I declare myself bested," I said while I lay stretched out, then was able to sit up and rise smoothly to my feet again. "All right, that's taken care of. Do you want to come to my tent tonight, or would you rather I come here?"

He stood staring down at me in silence, arms folded across his chest and face creased into a frown, obviously trying to understand what had happened. I left him to settle his mind in peace and began to look him over, the sudden thought of what I'd be doing with him making me curious. He and Fearin were about the same height, and their shoulder width wasn't much different either. Ijarin's hands were slightly bigger, though, and not quite as fine-fingered. I wondered if there were other size differences, and if so...

"Will you please stop looking at me as if I were a goat you intended to sacrifice to the G.o.ds?"

he said suddenly, a faint annoyance in his tone. "I've managed to figure out that I've just been accorded an unexpected honor, but I still don't understand why. What's this all about?"

"What difference does it make?" I countered, walking back to retrieve my sword. "All you have to decide on is the location. If you're afraid of having your image tarnished by me coming here, you can come to my tent instead."

"Aelana, this doesn't make any sense," he said with a sigh, clearly forcing patience on himself.

"You've done nothing but insult me from the first moment we met, and now, out of the blue, you're inviting me into your bed? If nothing else, I'm ent.i.tled to an explanation."

I thought about that for a moment, wondering if he was right, then shook my head.

"No, you're not ent.i.tled to an explanation," I denied, looking over at him with my fingers to my swordbelt. "All you're ent.i.tled to do is accept or refuse. If you're not interested I'll just have to look elsewhere."

I held my expression completely neutral, trying very hard to keep him from knowing I didn't want to look elsewhere even if I'd had where to look. He was the one Fearin would hate losing to, so he was the one I had to have. He'd seemed to be making a habit of doing exactly what I didn't want him to, so if I acted as though I were trying to make him refuse he ought to immediately agree.

"You make this whole thing sound so enticing, I don't know why I'm hesitating," he commented, his words and accompanying expression very dry. "I know I'll probably regret asking this, but what will Master Fearin be doing while I'm entertaining you? And if you try to suggest he doesn't have to know, I'll paddle your backside right here and now."

"What makes you think Fearin has anything to do with this?" I demanded, privately appalled that he had even asked. "He may be the leader of this attack force, but he has no say over what I do. If you feel you need his permission first, I've obviously come to the wrong tent."

"So that's it," Ijarin said, his head coming up as his tone went flat. "The High Master said or did something to get you mad, and you've decided to walk away and leave him standing. Wouldyou like to tell me what it is you use to think with? It's fairly obvious it couldn't possibly be brains."

"If you're trying to make a point, you'd better get it said," I growled, fighting off an avalanche of insult. If I hadn't needed that idiot barbarian...

"The point is made," he growled back, putting his fists to his hips. "You've spent at least two nights in Fearin's bed, and I've seen the way he looks at you. If you're not with him again this night, it won't be his choice. Don't you have any idea at all of what you're trying to do? Think about the amount of Power he wields, and then picture him getting angry. Forgetting about me, do you really want yourself on the receiving end of that?"

"He won't use his Power on me," I returned with a snort, pa.s.sing over any mention of Diin-tha.

"And even if he decided to, he still doesn't frighten me. If you don't feel the same, I can see I have come to the wrong tent. I hope you'll pardon the intrusion."

"Hold it right there," he ordered as I began to turn to leave. "Considering that the G.o.ds tend to protect fools and little children, I can believe you're not afraid of Fearin's Power. And I doubt that you really understand how things work between men and women, so you'd better listen to me. Any man with any sense would be afraid of Fearin's reaction to your bright new idea, but I don't think most of the others know about what's been going on between you. If you offer them what you offered me they'll probably accept, and that could well be the end of them."

"I don't believe that," I said with my back to him, not wanting to believe it. "Fearin needs them badly, and he'd be a fool to cause them harm."

"Of course he would be a fool to harm them," Ijarin agreed, taking his turn at snorting. "But that doesn't mean he would refrain. A man in the throes of jealousy does before he thinks, and by then it's too late to think. Why don't you tell me what you two argued about; maybe I can come up with a suggestion to settle the dispute."

"We didn't argue and Fearin would certainly not be jealous," I said, hating to admit that he didn't have to be. Pinched pride would do an even better job, and I'd never even thought of that.

"But you're right in what you didn't say. I can risk my own life if I please, but not the lives of innocent bystanders. Just forget I said anything. I'll come up with something else."

"Come up with something to accomplish what?" he demanded, his big hand closing around my arm to keep me from walking out. "Sit down with me and have some wine, and then you can tell me what this is all about."

"But I don't want to tell you what it's about," I informed him reasonably, turning just my head to look at him over my shoulder. "I thought I made that clear right from the beginning."

"Do you know what your biggest problem is?" he asked, giving me the benefit of a very light-eyed stare. "You've done such a thorough job teaching yourself to ignore your emotions, you think everyone else is exactly the same way. How long do you intend to take before you learn that the rest of us are different, and that includes the High Master Fearin? If you wait until he's forced to teach you the lesson himself, you'll find yourself a very unhappy little girl."

"I've already learned everything I intend to from High Master Fearin," I said, having no trouble pulling my arm out of Ijarin's grip. "What I intend now is doing some teaching, and if you'll take the advice of an emotionless child you'll stay well out of the way. When the time comes, I won't care much about innocent bystanders either."

That time I did walk out, leaving behind a man who thought he knew the meaning of being annoyed. I was annoyed, and all because I had no idea what to do. I'd been used and humiliated, but getting my own back wasn't proving to be easy.