The Ladies Book of Useful Information Part 9

cares more for a good dinner than he does-as long as his appet.i.te is unappeased-to listen to the music of the spheres. Heavy bread has made many heavy hearts, given rise to dyspepsia-horrid dyspepsia-and its herd of accompanying torments. Girls who desire that their husbands should be amiable and kind, should learn how to make good bread. When a young man is courting, he can live well at home; or, if he has to go a distance to pay his addresses, he usually obtains good meals at an hotel or an eating-house; but when he is married and gets to housekeeping, his wife a.s.sumes the functions of his mother or his landlord, and it is fortunate for her if she has been educated so as to know what a good table is. Those who are entirely dependent upon hired cooks make a very poor show at housekeeping. The stomach performs a very important part in the economy of humanity, and wives who are forgetful of this fact commit a serious mistake.

You know full well that most young men-and most young women, too-are desirous of marrying and having a family; but they do not sufficiently consider that it is G.o.d who gives them this desire, and that for the wisest of purposes; not only that this world may be peopled, but also that its inhabitants may be prepared for heaven.

Nothing is more certain than that

MARRIAGE AFFORDS

the fairest opportunities for preparing for a better world. In it we have others dearer than ourselves to think about and provide for; and in doing so, we have often to practice that very useful virtue, self-denial. Let me here impress upon you most deeply, that it is only by making others happy that we can become happy ourselves. The angels, we may be a.s.sured, are happy, because they are always actively good; and for a similar reason it is that G.o.d himself is infinitely happy.

If you try to secure you own happiness by any other means than a faithful discharge of your duty to G.o.d and your neighbor, you will certainly fail.

I dare say you will find that

YOUNG MEN ARE FOND OF YOUR COMPANY,

and of paying you every polite attention, and you, as a right-minded woman, are well pleased to be so treated. It is due to you _as a woman_. Now, each of them is, or ought to be, looking out for a wife, and it is well that you should know this. It is, too, more important than you perhaps are aware, that you should be carefully making your own observations, so that when the time arrives for one of them to ask you to become his wife you may not be taken by surprise, but may know how to act on the occasion.

Let me caution you here against a failing that is common among young women. I mean that of making themselves too cheap. They feel flattered by the attentions paid to them, and are not sufficiently aware that many young men are fond of indulging in flattery; and such, if they find a young woman weak enough to be pleased with it, will perhaps play upon her feelings and gain her affections without having any honorable intentions towards her.

As a protection against such, I recommend you to have a proper respect for yourself, and to consider with what object or purpose you receive their attentions. If you respond without an object, you may be doing them wrong; if you accept them when they have no right intentions, you allow them to wrong you. For this purpose consider well what you are-a human being intended for an eternity of bliss. G.o.d has made you a woman; and, believe me, as there is no fairer, so there is no n.o.bler creature than woman. She is formed to be her husband's helpmate and the mother of his children, and the all-important work of training these for heaven depends mainly upon her. Great, then, is her responsibility; but G.o.d has given her the requisite love and power to do her duty with satisfaction and delight. He has placed you in this beautiful world that by doing your duty as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend, you may become fitted to enter His heavenly kingdom.

During your courts.h.i.+p let me entreat you to be very careful and circ.u.mspect. There is no period of life that can compare with this delightful season. It is, or should be, full of suns.h.i.+ne and sparkling with the poetry of life; but alas! to many it is the opposite. A want of judgment-a momentary indiscretion-has not only blotted out this beautiful springtime of life, but has marred, darkened, and blighted the whole of the after lifetime.

No maiden can, under any circ.u.mstances, place her character in the hands of any man before marriage. No matter how sincere the love, how ardent the protestations, how earnest or plausible the pleadings, you must not, you cannot, surrender your honor. You must preserve your prudence and virtue; it is only by possession of these that you can keep

THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF YOUR LOVER.

Be firm, be circ.u.mspect; a rash word or a false step may extinguish forever all your bright hopes and prospective joys. Even should your lover redeem his promises and take you to be his wife, this indiscretion, or crime, will surely hang over you like a curse, creating discord, trouble, and sorrow, the greatest portion of which will fall to your share.

You must know that young men, however amiable, worthy or honorable they may be, may, in a moment of intense excitement, commit a sin that in their calmer moments they would not be guilty of for worlds.

But under all circ.u.mstances you will be looked upon to resist any advances, and maintain your purity and virtue. No matter how high the tide of pa.s.sion may run in unguarded moments, and set in against heaven and against society, the terrible and painful ebb will surely follow and leave you stranded forever on the bleak and barren sh.o.r.e of your earthly existence.

THERE IS NO STATE OF LIFE MORE HONORABLE,

useful, and happy than that of a wife and mother. There must and ever will be inequalities of station, but happiness is equally attainable in them all. To be happy, however, you must be good. Of course, I do not mean absolutely good, for "there is none good but One"; but I mean that you should be relatively good, and should aim at becoming better and more innocent as you advance in life. Now, you cannot respect yourself unless you know that you are worthy of respect; and if you do not respect yourself, you cannot expect that anybody else will; and in such case you will not be worthy of the love of any good man, and none such will be likely to pay court to you. If, however, you take the right means, in which I include prayer for divine guidance, you will have the respect and friends.h.i.+p of all your acquaintances, and then in G.o.d's own time, and, let me add, without your seeking it, the man whom you can make happy will present himself and propose to make you his wife, if it be G.o.d's will that you should become one.

Here are two very important points for your consideration: First, that it should be your constant endeavor to

MAKE YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY;

and, second, that before you consent to marry him, you should ascertain that he has those qualifications that will secure your happiness. It most nearly concerns yourself that you do your duty to G.o.d and your neighbor at all times, so that it becomes your habit; and you will find it much easier, and safer, too, to do it every day rather than on only particular occasions; for this would require a special effort, and for the time, perhaps, put you into a state of excitement, which, in all probability, would be followed by a depression of spirits. What you should rather aim at is a uniformly cheerful state of mind, resulting from a conscious and confident dependence on Providence. If your husband knows from experience that such is your character, he cannot fail, provided he be worthy of you, to be content and happy.

IT IS THE NATURE OF YOUNG WOMEN

to be affectionate, and it is pleasant and usual for them to have several dear friends, enjoying more or less of their confidence. Among these may be included some of their male acquaintance. Now, while they may esteem each of these as they would a dear cousin, they should know and act upon the knowledge that it is only to _one_ they can give their unlimited confidence and individual affection as a wife. It is the height of cruelty and wickedness for either a man or a woman to trifle with another's affection. Such base conduct has cost many a young woman her health and peace, and even her life, and cannot, therefore, be too much depreciated and avoided.

Let me, then, advise you to be

VERY CAUTIOUS

before you allow a young man to pay you such marked attentions as may lead to marriage. It is not, you know, to terminate in seven years, like an apprentices.h.i.+p or a commercial partners.h.i.+p, but it is an engagement for the life of one of the parties. I want you, then, to profit by the experience of others, too many of whom enter into marriage from light and low considerations, and not to settle in life till you, and also your friends, see that there is a reasonable prospect of your securing happiness, as well as comfort and a respectable position.

When a young woman has property or expects it, or is possessed of superior personal attractions, she should be especially prudent in her conduct towards the numerous admirers which such qualifications usually attract. No woman should allow herself to accept the attentions of any man who does not possess those sterling qualities which will command her respect, or whose love is directed to her fortune or beauty rather than herself. On such a one she can place no reliance, for should illness or misfortune overtake her she may find herself deprived of that love which she had valued as the great treasure of her life. Possessed of this, she feels that earthly riches are but of secondary importance, and that the want of them can never make her poor.

Moreover, a worthier man than any of her interested suitors may have a sincere respect and affection for her, but be kept in the background by the overzealous attention of his rivals. Still, if she has sufficient self-command to patiently and calmly investigate their general private character, she may find reason to decline their suit, and may discover that the more modest and retiring youth is the one that is deserving of her love.

While on this subject, let me caution you against the foolish affectation which some girls practice in order to attract the attention of young men. In their company be natural in your manners, open and friendly and ready to converse on general subjects; not appearing to expect that every one who pays you the ordinary courtesies of society is going to fall in love with you. This mode of behavior, which is more common with those who are vain of their beauty than with others, frequently leads to such young women being more neglected than their less pretending sisters; for prudent young men, who are impressed with the necessity of a right decision in the all-important step of marriage, instinctively shrink from those who seem unwilling to give them a fair opportunity of judging whether their hearts and minds are as attractive as their persons.

You may innocently admire many a young man for the n.o.ble qualities G.o.d has bestowed upon him, without at all entertaining the idea either that he would make you happy as his wife, or you him as your husband.

Thank G.o.d we are const.i.tuted of such different temperaments that all may find suitable partners without clas.h.i.+ng with each other's tastes, if they will only be content to watch and wait.

It is the part of a young man to _watch_, to be actively desirous of meeting with a suitable partner. In doing this, his first consideration should be to seek for such a one as he can make happy; not to look primarily for beauty, fortune, wit, or accomplishments-things all very good in themselves, but by no means const.i.tuting the essentials of happiness. If he is influenced by pure and simple motives, he will not find, or expect to find, more than one that can satisfy his desire, and he will not be in much danger of exciting the envy or the rivalry of his companions.

On the other hand, it is becoming in a young woman to

WAIT PATIENTLY

till, from the a.s.siduous and respectful attentions of a young man, she can have no doubt that he is in earnest, when, and not before, she may freely give him her company, and with every expectation of a happy result. Be a.s.sured that no sensible young man is ever attracted by a young woman whom he sees on the lookout for a lover; he is more likely to think meanly of her, and to avoid her society.

It may, however, happen that a young man makes the offer before the young woman knows enough of him for it to be right for her to accept it, and before he, on his part, ought to take the step. In such case it would be well for her, even supposing she is inclined to like him, to tell him that he has taken her by surprise, and that she cannot think of entering on so important a subject without consulting her friends, to whom she accordingly refers him. It would then become her duty to intimate to him that, although his attentions are agreeable to them, he must wait a while, till, from further acquaintance, they are enabled to judge whether it will conduce to the mutual happiness of their daughter and himself for her to accept the offer he has so kindly made.

But it is not only young men who

ARE APT TO BE HASTY

in these matters. It is, as is well known, not uncommon for parents, especially mothers, very soon after a young man has begun to pay attention to their daughter, to give him to understand that they wish to know his intentions in reference to her. By such proceedings a young man may be taken aback, and either hurry into a match, which turns out unhappily, or be led to withdraw from a union which might have resulted in the happiness of all the parties concerned.

That your parents should wish you to be married is only natural, especially if their own marriage has been a happy one. It will be gratifying to them to see a worthy young man paying attention to you, and most probably they will let things take their own course. Marriage is too important a matter to admit of being hastened.

There are, I am aware, unwise parents, who, from various motives, will throw obstacles in the way of young people who are desirous of coming together. Some are so selfish as to be unwilling to part with their daughter, preferring their own happiness to hers. Others are so silly as to think no ordinary man good enough for her, and therefore, if they had their own way, would have her to become an old maid.

Fortunately, such shortsighted people are not infrequently outwitted.

If your parents are, as I hope they are, reasonable in their views and expectations, one of the chief concerns of their life will be the promotion of your happiness, and it behooves you to pay the utmost deference to their opinion; and should they, from circ.u.mstances they become aware of, deem it advisable that you should either postpone or even break off an engagement, they will doubtless give you such weighty reasons as will justify you in acting on their advice. Where, however, as sometimes happens, they unwisely refuse their consent to their child's marriage at a time when she well knows from her own feelings, and also from the sanction she receives from the opinion of trustworthy and judicious friends, that she would be making a real sacrifice were she to comply with their wishes; if, I say, under such circ.u.mstances she acts disobediently and marries the man she loves, more blame attaches to the parents than to herself, and the sooner they forgive her the better.

It is very common for young men, when going into the company of young woman, together with their best dress to put on their best behavior; in fact, to a.s.sume a character which is not their natural one, but far superior to it.

Some hold the opinion that

"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR."