Oh! Susannah! Part 14

_(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed by Doctor.)_

Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! _(takes up rug)_ I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical.

She'll never suspect it's my blus.h.i.+ng bride.

Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blus.h.i.+ng bride? She's sure to find me _here_.

Doctor. No, no, she won't!

Flora. She _will! I'm so conspicuous!_ _(sits on sofa)_

Doctor. The _more_ conspicuous the better, when you want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion, _(down stage)_

Flora. _(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering rage)_ Jack! You've done this _before!!_

Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right, _(drags her back and covers her up)_

Flora. _(popping her head out)_ Oh, hubby, are you _sure_ we're _properly_ married?

Doctor. Quite. Lie still, _(same Bus.)_

Flora. _(same Bus.)_ It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a horrid, horrid wedding day! _(kicks and disarranges rug)_

Doctor. _(putting it back)_ She's coming! Lie still, do lie still! Flo, please--for my sake! Do lie _quite_ still--

_(Flo kicks.)_

and don't kick.

_(Enter Plant.)_

Plant. My dear cousin Jack! _(putting out his hand)_ I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature.

Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, Lord! _(looks at couch nervously to Plant)_ I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could you? _(feels his pulse)_

Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me--it's not me--it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly.

Doctor. _(aside)_ Another case! Quayle's right again! They're flowing in.

Plant. _(aside)_ Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get on better without 'em. _(aloud)_ They are both--_( sobs )_ --both----

Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once, _(putting on his hat)_

Plant. No, you misunderstand me--they are simply overcome with the way--to use their own phrase--the "affectionate" way in which you received them this afternoon.

Doctor. _(aside)_ And Flo can hear every word. It's all up!

Plant. They can talk of nothing else.

_(Doctor pulls Plant's coat.)_

It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, _(same Bus.)_ Ah, you have robbed me of my precious jewels.

Doctor. _(glancing nervously at couch, with a.s.sumed levity)_ Nonsense!

Plant. _(indignant)_ It's not nonsense at all, it's very _serious._ Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young man with a rich--ahem!--future--but as their father--from whom they have never had a secret all their blameless lives----_(crosses R.)_ I tell you, sir, you have broken _two_ hearts in one afternoon.

Doctor. _(gloomily)_ Oh, good afternoon! _(sits at table)_

Flora. _(aside)_ I shall go home by the next train.

Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for you, sir--all for you! _(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)_

Doctor. _(half to himself)_ I can't commit bigamy.

Plant. I don't ask you to marry both--_(whacks)_--of them, but one or the other you must--_(whacks)_--and _shall_--_(whacks on table)_--after all you have said and done, _(up)_ Now, my dear sir, _(walking about waving his stick C.)_ I speak to you as a bachelor--_(whacks rug with walking stick)_--without enc.u.mbrances, _(whacks)_ What have you got there? _(whacks)_

Doctor. _(gets up)_ My enc.u.mbr------er--my model! _(R. of chair)_

Plant. Your model?

Doctor. _(intercepting him)_ Yes, my ana----

Plant. Anna?

Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it--and these things cost money, you know.

Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice, Well, to return to our muttons--I mean my poor lambs--

Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh. d.a.m.n your lambs! _(crosses L.)_

Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions?

Doctor. _(aside)_ Can't tell him I'm married--he'd tell auntie.

Plant. _(severely)_ Answer me, sir--what are your intentions with regard to my two daughters? _(Bus. Flo.)_

Doctor. _(sofa, aside)_ If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain him! _(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)_ Flo's hat! Oh --er--honourable, you know--strictly honourable, _(tries to hide Flo's hat)_

Plant. _(pointing to Flo's hat)_ What is _that_, sir? _(works right round sofa)_

Doctor. _(following)_ A lady's _hat_, sir.

Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. _(seizes hat and waves it)_ You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two hats--hearts that beat for Jack.

Doctor. _(to Plant)_ I'm deceiving no one--that hat belongs to one of my patients.

Plant. _(aside)_ A patient, indeed! He's got none. _(goes for hat)_