Oh! Susannah! Part 2

Tupper. No, sir, not yet.

Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you?

Tupper. No, miss, not yet--only 'arf of me, the other 'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus--an' 'e shares the gal too.

Plant. _(rises, coughs)_ Ahem! That will do! Is the room always so full of smoke?

Aurora. _(coming to him quickly)_ Oh yes, sir, wuss generally, _(flaps wet flannel in his face)_ The doctor's a wonderful gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long, an' read in' this 'ere book, _(fetches it)_ You look at it.

_(comes down C.)_

_(Girls go up to her,)_

You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they is--well, there!

Plant. Ahem! That will do! _(takes it from her before his daughters see it)_ What are the doctor's hours?

Aurora. I dunno, sir--all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes don't come home all night----

Plant. Ahem! That will do!

Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet

Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! _(comes to back of sofa and sits L. end)_

Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. _(confidentially)_ It's a case of----

Plant.. _(yells in her ear)_ Ahem! _That_ will do!

Aurora. Sorry I spoke!

Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight hours.

Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is 'abits.

Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. _(to Ruby)_

Ruby. _(to Pearl)_ Poor fellow! He must be starving!

_(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back to it, legs apart.)_

Plant., _(aside)_ "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter--but I mustn't betray a professional confidence.

Tupper. _(aside)_ Fine gels! _(to Ruby)_ 'E'll be wonderful glad to see you, Miss.

Ruby. How do you know?

Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an'

you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. _(aside)_ Bar the tailor.

Ruby. The first? _(to Pearl)_ He _is_ starving!

Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. _(crosses to Plant)_ He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. _(to Ruby)_ 'E knows all what's goin' on in yer innards----

Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er--no doubt, no doubt.

Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. _(going to him)_ But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin'--'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet--an' if they ain't--they're a-comin'

orf.

Plant. That'll _do!_ We don't want to hear any fairy tales.

Tupper. _(sadly)_ There ain't no tails about these 'ere.

_(looking at his jacket)_ It's a norrible fac'!

Plant. You can go--_(to Tupper)_ both of you. _(to Aurora)_

Aurora. _(having fetched pail--to Tupper)_ Come aw'y, you talk too much. _I'm_ the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.

_(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)_

Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. _(puts book on couch)_

Pearl. _(to Ruby. who is reading a letter)_ Who's that from?

Ruby. Lieutenant Merry!

Pearl. Oh, let me read it!

_(They read it together.)_

Plant. _(aside)_ A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. _(Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at back)_ I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to c.u.mberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some d.a.m.ned awkward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! _(sits at writing table)_

Pearl. _(reading from letter which Ruby holds)_ "And, my darling Ruby--if your father dies"--there's not much "if" about it. He does. _(taps her hair)_ I've seen the bottle.

_(Both giggle.)_

Plant. _(aside, looking in pocket mirror)_ So I took the next train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town.

If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved--if she can't--I'm--ahem!

Ruby. _(aside to Pearl)_ And only think, Pearl. when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry--perhaps a d.u.c.h.ess!

Pearl. But, father----

Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for his birthday.

Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday--he looks more like 36.

_(Both laugh.)_

Plant. _(to them)_ Stop that silly giggling! _(crosses over to the two, sends Pearl across to table)_ Go and sit over there.