Best Short Stories Part 22

"Remember the laughing hyena?" demanded the owner, angrily. "What the deuce are you driving at?"

"Only this, Mr. Smith: he ain't got nothing to laugh at this morning."

THE DIFFERENCE

Two pals, both recently wedded, were comparing the merits of their wives.

"Ah, yes," said George, who was still very much in love, "my little woman is an angel! She couldn't tell a lie to save her life!"

"Lucky bounder!" said Samuel, sighing. "My wife can tell a lie the minute I get it out of my mouth!"

WORSE!

The worried countenance of the bridegroom disturbed the best man.

Tiptoeing up the aisle, he whispered:

"What's the matter, Jock? Hae ye lost the ring?"

"No," blurted out the unhappy Jock, "the ring's safe eno'. But, mon, I've lost ma enthusiasm."

THE TEUTON WAY

A story ill.u.s.trative of the changes in methods of warfare comes from a soldier in France who took a German officer prisoner. The soldier said to the officer: "Give up your sword!" But the officer shook his head and answered: "I have no sword to give up. But won't my vitriol spray, my oil projector, or my gas cylinder do as well?"

APPRECIATION

It was just after a rainstorm and two men were walking down the street behind a young woman who was holding her skirt rather high. After an argument as to the merits of the case, one of the men stepped forward and said: "Pardon, me, miss, but aren't you holding your skirt rather high?"

"Haven't I a perfect right?" she snapped.

"You certainly have, Miss, and a peach of a left," he replied.

ALLEGRO

"That'sallFergusonI'llringifIwantyouagain."

"YessirthankyousirshallIsayyouareoutifanyonecallssir?"

"TellthemIamoutofthecityandFerguson."

"Yessir?"

"Havetheautoreadyforanearlyruninthemorning.

HavealargebunchoforchidsinthevaseFerguson."

"Yessiranythingelsesir?"

"NothingelseFerguson."

Readeritisonlytheconversationinatalkingmovieshowtryingtokeepupwiththepictures.

JUST ANSWERED

A soldier in the English Army wrote home: "They put me in barracks; they took away my clothes and put me in khaki; they took away my name and made me 'No. 575'; they took me to church, where I'd never been before, and they made me listen to a sermon for forty minutes. Then the parson said: 'No. 575. Art thou weary, art thou languid?' and I got seven days in the guardhouse because I answered that I certainly was."

TOO LONG A SHOT

A famous jockey was taken suddenly ill, and the trainer advised him to visit a doctor in the town.

"He'll put you right in a jiffy," he said.

The same evening he found Benjamin lying curled up in the stables, kicking his legs about in agony.

"h.e.l.lo, Benny! Haven't you been to the doctor?"

"Yes."

"Well, didn't he do you any good?"

"I didn't go in. When I got to his house there was a bra.s.s plate on his door--'Dr. Kurem. Ten to one'--I wasn't going to monkey with a long shot like that!"

SENSITIVE

Here is a story of a London "nut" who had mounted guard for the first time:

The colonel had just given him a wigging because of the state of his equipment. A little later the colonel pa.s.sed his post. The nut did not salute. The indignant colonel turned and pa.s.sed again. The nut ignored him.

"Why in the qualified blazes don't you salute?" the colonel roared.

"Ah," said the nut, softly, "I fawncied you were vexed with me."

NO USE FOR IT

Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.

The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.

Again she said he would have to speak louder. Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said: