Best Short Stories Part 30

"Children," said the Sunday-school superintendent, "this picture ill.u.s.trates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here are Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now, has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant cla.s.s, "where ith the flea?"

THE SIMPLE POLITICAL LIFE

The American characteristic which demands ornaments and "fixin's" to all ceremonies, as contrasted with genuine simplicity, is thus scored by Judge Pettingill of Chanute:

"My ambition in life," said the Judge, "is to be the organizer of a lodge without flub-dub, gold ta.s.sel uniforms, red tape ritual, a regiment of officers with high-sounding t.i.tles, a calisthenic drill of idiotic signs and grips, a goat, and members who call each other 'brother.' I would name the presiding officer 'it,' and its first by-law would provide for the expulsion of the member who advocated the wearing of a lodge pin."

PIGTAILS AND MOUSTACHES

When Wu Ting Fang was Minister to the United States from China, he visited Chicago. A native of the Windy City said to him at a reception:

"Mr. Wu, I see there is a movement in China to abolish the pigtails you wear. Why do you wear the foolish thing, anyhow?"

"Well," countered Mr. Wu, "why do you wear your foolish moustache?"

"Oh, that's different," said the Chicago man; "you see I've got an impossible mouth."

"So I should suppose," retorted Mr. Wu, "judging from some of your remarks."

HIS SEARCH FOR THE PRACTICAL

"Now," it was explained to Aladdin, "this is a wonderful lamp. Rub it and a genie appears."

"I see little to that," he replied. "What I want is a lamp that won't go out on my automobile and get me pinched by a traffic cop."

HARD UP FOR WIND

Everything in the dear old village seemed the same to Jones after his absence of four years. The old church, the village pump, the ducks on the green, the old men smoking while their wives gossip--it was so restful after the rush and bustle of the city. Suddenly he missed something.

"Where's Hodge's windmill?" he asked in surprise. "I can only see one mill, and there used to be two."

The native gazed thoughtfully round, as if to verify the statement. Then he said slowly:

"They pulled one down. There weren't enough wind for two on'em!"

HE KNEW BRYAN

At a recent political convention two of the delegates were discussing the religious affiliations of prominent statesmen, when one of them, a Baptist, observed to the other, who was a Methodist:

"I understand that William Jennings Bryan has turned Baptist."

"What?" exclaimed the Methodist. "Why, that can't be!"

"Yes, it is," persisted the Baptist.

"No, sir," continued the Methodist; "it can't be true. To become a Baptist one must be entirely immersed."

"Yes, that is very true; but what has that to do with it?"

"Simply this," returned the Methodist: "Mr. Bryan would never consent to disappear from public view as long as that."

HIS NEED

John Hendricks, a singular Western character, awoke one morning to find himself wealthy through a rich mining strike. Soon he concluded to broaden his mind by travel, and decided to go to Europe Boarding the s.h.i.+p, he singled out the captain and said: "Captain, if I understand the way this here s.h.i.+p is constructed it's got several water-tight compartments?"

"Yes, sir."

"Water's all on the outside--can't none get in nohow?"

"No, sir."

"Captain," said Hendricks, decidedly, "I want one o' them compartments--I don't care what it costs extry."

ALL OR NOTHING

Senator Jim Nye of Nebraska tells this story to ill.u.s.trate some of the evils of prohibition. The Senator said, apropos of his visit to a "dry"

town.

"After a long speech and then talking to all the magnates of the neighborhood, I went to bed dry as a powder horn. I could not sleep and as soon as it was daylight I went down into the dining room: As I sat there the mistress of the house came in and said 'Senator, you are up early.' I said: 'Yes, living in the West so long, I am afflicted with malaria, and I could not sleep.' She went over to a tea caddy, took out a bottle and said: 'Senator, this is a prohibition town, you know, but we have malaria and we find this a good antidote. I know it will do you good.'"

The Senator seized the bottle with avidity and thankfulness. He settled again in his seat by the window, more in harmony with the world. Then the head of the house came in and said: "Senator, you are up early." He replied: "Yes, malaria, you know." "Well," said the old gentleman, "we have a cure for that. This is a prohibition town; it is good thing for our work people; but I have a little safety in my locker," and he produced a bottle.

After the old gentleman left the two sons came in and said: "Senator, are you fond of livestock?" The Senator by that time was fond of everything and everybody. He said: "Yes, I love livestock, I have plenty of it on my ranch." They said: "Come out to the barn and we will show you some." They took him out to the barn, closed the doors, and said: "Senator, we know you must have had a hard time last night. We have no livestock but we have a bottle in the haymow." Senator Nye then said:

"The trouble with a prohibition town is that when you most need it you can't get it, and when it does come it is like a Western flood, too much of it."

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's patience was worn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several times without effect. Finally she said:

"You are a perfect little heathen!"

"Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene.

"Indeed, I do," said the mother.

"Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that ten cents a week you gimme for the Sunday-school collection? I guess I'm as hard up as any of the rest of 'em."