Best Short Stories Part 43

An officer on board a wars.h.i.+p was drilling his men.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air, and move them as if he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now commence."

After a short effort one of the men stopped.

"Why have you stopped, Murphy?" asked the officer.

"If ye plaze, sir," was the answer, "Oi'm coasting."

WARNED IN TWENTY YEARS

Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutual friend.

"Aye," said one, "Jock McDonald has a sair time wi' that wife o' his.

They do say they're aye quarrelin'."

"It serve' him richt," said another feelingly. "The puir f.e.c.kless creature marrit after coortin' only eight year. Man, indeed, he had nae chance to ken the wumman in sic a short time. When I was coortin' I was coortin' twenty year."

"And how did it turn out?" inquired a stranger in the party.

"I tell ye, I was coortin' twenty year, an' in that time I kenned what wumman was, an' so I didna marry."

BEGINNING EARLY

Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes had a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing.

He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women.

After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.

He refused to be kissed.

Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said:

"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"

DISCERNING

"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What would you do if it died--you wouldn't see it again?"

"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."

"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."

Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:

"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they get the milk?"

ROTUND

An elderly woman who was extremely stout was endeavoring to enter a street car when the conductor, noticing her difficulty, said to her:

"Try sideways, madam; try sideways."

The woman looked up breathlessly and said: "Why, bless ye, I ain't got no sideways!"

BEYOND THE SENSE OF HUMOR

A Scottish soldier, badly wounded, requested an army chaplain to write a letter for him to his wife. The chaplain, anxious to oblige, started off with "My dear Wife--"

"Na, na," said the Scotsman, "dinna pit that doon. Ma wife canna see a joke."

A NEW COMPLAINT

A German, whose wife was ill at the Seney Hospital, Brooklyn, called the first evening she was there and inquired how she was getting along. He was told that she was improving.

Next day he called again, and was told she was still improving. This went on for some time, each day the report being that his wife was improving.

Finally, one day he called and said:

"How iss my wife?"

"She's dead."

He went out and met a friend, and the friend said:

"Well, how is your wife?"

"She's dead."

"Ooh! How terrible! What did she die of?"

"Improvements!"

SOME FIGHT

An American Negro stevedore a.s.signed to the great docks in southwestern France had written several letters to his black Susanna in Jacksonville, Fla., when she wrote back saying:

"You-all don't nevah tell me nothin' 'bout de battle a-tall. Tilda Sublet's Dave done wrote her all about how he kotched two Germans all by hisself and kilt three mo'."

The stevedore was reluctant to tell his girl that he was doing manual labor and that his only accoutrement was the tinware from which he ate his war bread, "slum" and coffee. His reply ran: