Best Short Stories Part 5

"There will be an eclipse of the sun to-morrow. The regiment will meet on the parade ground in undress. I will come and explain the eclipse before drill. If the sky is cloudy the men will meet in the drill shed, as usual."

Whereupon the ranking sergeant drew up the following order of the day:

"To-morrow morning, by order of the colonel, there will be an eclipse of the sun. The regiment will a.s.semble on the parade ground, where the colonel will come and superintend the eclipse in person. If the sky is cloudy the eclipse will take place in the drill shed."

A CONNOISSEUR

Two brothers were being entertained by a rich friend. As ill luck would have it, the talk drifted away from ordinary topics.

"Do you like Omar Khayyam?" thoughtlessly asked the host, trying to make conversation. The elder brother plunged heroically into the breach.

"Pretty well," he said, "but I prefer Chianti."

Nothing more was said on this subject until the brothers were on their way home.

"Bill," said the younger brother, breaking a painful silence, "why can't you leave things that you don't understand to me? Omar Khayyam ain't a wine, you chump; it's a cheese."

NOURISHMENT

An old South Carolina darky was sent to the hospital of St. Xavier in Charleston. One of the gentle, black-robed sisters put a thermometer in his mouth to take his temperature. Presently, when the doctor made his rounds, he said:

"Well, Nathan, how do you feel?"

"I feel right tol'ble, boss."

"Have you had any nourishment?"

"Ya.s.sir."

"What did you have?"

"A lady done gimme a piece of gla.s.s ter suck, boss."

HAD HAD TREATMENT

He was a mine-sweeper, and, home on leave, was feeling a bit groggy. He called to see a doctor, who examined him thoroughly.

"You're troubled with your throat, you say?" said the doctor.

"Aye, aye, sir," said the sailor.

"Have you ever tried gargling it with salt and water?" asked the doctor.

The mine-sweeper groaned.

"I should say so!" he said. "I've been torpedoed seven times!"

HOW HE GOT THEM

A British soldier was walking down the Strand one day. He had one leg off and an arm off and both ears missing and his head was covered with bandages, and he was making his way on low gear as best he could, when he was accosted by an intensely sympathetic lady who said:

"Oh, dear, dear! I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you. This is really terrible. Can't I do something? Do tell me, did you receive all these wounds in real action?"

A weary expression came over that part of the soldier's face that was visible as he replied:

"No, madam; I was cleaning out the canary bird cage, and the d----d bird bit me!"

CaeSAR VISITS CICERO

How modern are the old fellows. Here is a story related by Cicero in one of his letters which will recall the embarra.s.sments we have ourselves felt in the presence of the unexpected.

Cicero gives an account to his friend of a visit he had just received from the Emperor Julius Caesar. He had invited Julius to pa.s.s a few days with him, but he came quite unexpectedly with a thousand men! Cicero, seeing them from afar, debated with another friend what he should do with them but at length managed to encamp them. To feed them was a less easy matter. The emperor took everything quite easily, however, and was very pleasant, "but," adds Cicero, "he is not the man to whom I should say a second time, 'if you are pa.s.sing this way, give me a call.'"

WHY BE POLITE ANYWAY?

Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor noticed a man who he thought was asleep.

"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.

"I wasn't asleep," said the pa.s.senger.

"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"

"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the pa.s.senger. "I hate to see the women standing."

THE ARRIVAL OF WILHELM

What may be the Kaiser's ultimate fate is thus amusingly told by _Life_ of the scene in h.e.l.l on a certain day:

"What's all the racket about?" said Satan, stepping out of the Brimstone Bath, where he was giving two or three U-boat commanders an extra flaying.

"Poor old Hohenzollern has got it in the neck at last," said Machiavelli, who was hosing off the premises with vitriol in preparation for a new squad of s.h.i.+rtwaist-factory owners.

Satan listened attentively. Indeed, it was true. The Hohenzollerns had been booted off the throne of Germany.

"Well, that's tough," said Satan. "I never could see why they chivied those poor Hohenzollerns so. They were perfect devils. I have often said so. Poor old Bill! Why, he was one of the best pupils I ever had. I heard someone say that he had made Belgium a h.e.l.l upon earth. Wasn't that a compliment?"

"Not only that," said Machiavelli; "he had the novel idea of making the sea a h.e.l.l, too. He and Tirpitz did magnificent work. Not even a party of schoolgirls could go on the water without getting torpedoed. They drowned I don't know how many innocent women and children in a manner worthy of the highest education."

"That deportation of non-combatants from Lille was excellent, too,"

mused Satan.