Speak Bird, Speak Again Part 29

"No!" her brothers responded. "Don't go out until the host finishes his tale."

"By Allah," continued their host, "when I fell into the well, a girl looked in and said, 'There is no power and no strength except in Allah. There's no one here who can pull you out.' Her brothers were seven and with the plowman they were eight, and they were all out in the fields. 'For the sake of Allah, sister,' I begged her, 'lower the rope and pull me up!' And, by Allah, that decent woman - May Allah protect her honor! - dangled a rope down and started to pull me up, but when I was almost to the mouth of the well my weight was too much for her and she fell into the well with me."

The plowman again said, "I want to go pee," but her brothers answered, "Sit!"

"By Allah," the host went on, "who should show up but the plowman? 'Here I am!' she said, after he had called to her. Lowering a rope, he pulled her out. 'Brother,' she pleaded with him, 'such and such is the story.' "

Now she herself was listening. Where? In the tent she sat, listening to her husband's tale.

"I have to go take a s.h.i.+t!" said the plowman.

"Sit!" the brothers said. "Wait till the host tells his tale!"

"By Allah, friends," continued the host, "the man pulled us out, and I came this way."

No sooner had he said that than she burst out with a ululation from behind the divider in the tent, and then came in to where they were sitting and said, "You're my brother, and you're my brother."

"You," exclaimed the brothers, "are here!"

"Here I am," she answered, "and I've called my children Maktub, Kutbe, and Mqaddar."

The bird has flown, and a good night to all!

The Rich Man and the Poor Man

Once upon a time there were two sisters, married to two brothers, one very, very rich, and the other very, very poor. One day the sister married to the poor one went to visit the wife of the rich one and found her preparing stuffed cabbage leaves for dinner. She sat on the doorstep, but her rich sister did not say to her, "Come in, sister, and sit down inside." When she brought the cabbage out of the boiling water, the rich sister gave the ribs of the leaves to her children but did not say, "Here, sister, take some and eat them." Putting her head in her hands, the poor one sank deep into thought.

"What are you doing, sister?" she asked.

"My husband has brought me cabbage and meat," replied the sister, "and I'm going to stuff the cabbage leaves for the children to eat."

Now the wife of the poor brother had recently become pregnant, and she craved the food. When she smelled the cabbage, she sighed. "Alas!" she thought in her heart. "Would that I had even one of those cabbage ribs to eat!" But she was ashamed to say anything to her sister. She sat and sat, and then prepared to leave, but the other did not say, for example, "Stay, sister, until the cabbage leaves are done so you can have some"; or, "Stay and have lunch with us." She did not say anything.

The wife of the poor man went straight home to her husband. "My man," she said, "we must buy some cabbage and make stuffed cabbage leaves for the children. And, by Allah, I too have a craving for it. I was visiting my sister, and she didn't say to me, 'Take this and eat it, even if it is only a rib of cabbage.'"

Her husband was employed by the vizier. "Very well," he said. "I'11 save my wages for the whole week, and we'll buy cabbage and meat. You prepare the meal, and we'll invite the vizier to have dinner with us."

He saved his money for a week and bought a kilogram and a half of meat, a kilogram and a half of rice, and some cabbages. She stuffed the cabbage leaves and cooked them, and dinner was ready. Because they were inviting the vizier, they borrowed a mattress from one neighbor, a cus.h.i.+on from another, and plates and cutlery from others.

When the vizier arrived in their hut, they seated him on the mattress, while the husband sat next to him on a straw mat and she sat in front of them, serving the stuffed cabbage leaves. Before she was aware of what she had done, and in spite of herself, she farted. "Yee!" she cried out, "may my reputation be ruined! And I had to do this in front of the vizier. Earth, open up and swallow me!" The earth, so the story goes, opened up and swallowed her.

Down under the surface of the earth she went, and where did she find herself but in a souk bustling with shops and people. It was a whole world, just like the souk in Acre or even a little bigger. Now, her husband and the vizier did not know where she had gone. They waited and waited, but when she did not come back, they served the stuffed cabbages and ate them. Then the vizier went home.

Meanwhile, the wife went around the marketplace. "Has anyone seen my fart?" she asked. "Tell me the truth, brother! Haven't you seen my fart?"

"What fart, sister?" people answered. "Folks must be crazy where you come from." A group gathered around her, and she told them what had happened, from the beginning to the end. "By Allah, dear aunt," they said, "you are right to be looking for it," and they all, the police and the townspeople, went searching around with her. "Who has seen the fart?" they cried out. "Who has seen the fart?"

"Here I am!" he answered, surprising them. And how did they find him but sitting in a care with his legs crossed like an effendi, all bathed and wearing a cashmere suit with a fez on his head. Gathering around him, they started to blame him for what he had done. "How could you have done what you did to this poor woman?" they said. "You escaped against her will, and embarra.s.sed her in front of the vizier."

"I was pressed tight inside her, utterly uncomfortable," he defended himself. "Now that I've escaped, I've bathed and dressed up, and I'm having a great time. Why not?"

"All right," they said, "now that you've done what you did and blackened this woman's name, how will you compensate her?"

"Her reward," he answered, "will be that every time she opens her mouth to say something, a piece of gold will fall from it. And you, sister," he added, "just say, 'Let the earth open and bring me up!' and it will happen."

"Let the earth open and bring me up!" she said, and behold! gold fell from her mouth, and the earth opened and brought her back up. It was early evening, and her husband was sitting at home. "What happened to you, dear wife? Where did you go? What did you do?" As she was telling her story, pieces of gold were falling from her lips.

She went and bought a rosary and recited prayers of praise to Allah. Gold was falling from her mouth the whole time. They became very, very rich.

"Right now," she said to her husband, "this very moment, you must buy us a house like a king's, complete with servants, slaves, and furniture!"

Before twenty-four hours had pa.s.sed, her husband had already bought her a mansion to vie with the king's palace, all furnished and with servants. It is said she put on clothes just like those of the king's wife, living in her mansion with servants all around her.

When a few days had pa.s.sed, the rich brother's wife remembered her sister. "Yee!" she said, "my poor sister was craving food and came to visit, and I didn't offer her even one bite of the stuffed cabbage. There are still some sc.r.a.pings left at the bottom of the pot, and, by Allah, I'm going to take them to her myself." Sc.r.a.ping the bottom of the pot, she put what she found on a plate. When she arrived at her sister's old shack, she found someone else living there. She asked about her sister, and they said to her, "Where have you been? You sister has bought a house fit for a king, and now she's living in it."

Taking the plate of sc.r.a.ps over to the new house, she knocked on the door. A servant and some slaves appeared. "What do you want?" they asked.

"I want to see my sister," she answered.

"Wait till we ask our mistress," they said.

"By Allah, dear sister," she said when she came in, "I forgot to invite you to eat when you were visiting us, and now I've brought you a plateful of stuffed cabbage."

"No! No!" replied the other sister, "take the food home with you. Thank you very much, and may Allah increase your blessings!" She called her servants and said, "Fill silver plates full of every kind of food in the kitchen, put them on a large silver platter, and send it home with her. Take it over yourselves!"

"For the sake of Allah," the visitor asked, "what did you do to get all this?"

"Such and such happened to me," replied her sister.

As soon as she arrived home, the wife of the rich man told her husband the story she had just heard. "Right now," she said, "immediately, you will invite the vizier and bring the ingredients for stuffed cabbage, and I'll do as my sister did."

"Listen, wife!" said the husband, "Allah has blessed us with more than we need. We are content in our life, and we don't need anything more. Your sister was a poor woman, may G.o.d help her! Why don't you just forget about all this?"

"No!" insisted the wife. "You must invite the vizier."

So he went and bought the makings for stuffed cabbage leaves and invited the vizier. The vizier came to dinner, and she sat in front of them to serve the food. She pressed and squeezed in order to fart, putting so much pressure on herself that she forced out a little fart. "Let the earth open up and swallow me!" she exclaimed, and the earth opened and swallowed her.

She went down below, only to find it nighttime, with rain falling and the streetlamps all out. How miserable it was all around!

"Yee!" she thought, "may my reputation be ruined! What have I done?" She walked around the streets, reeling in the darkness and the rain. People meeting her would ask, "What's the matter with you, aunty? Where are you going, aunty?"

"I'm looking for the fart," she would answer.

"What fart, aunty?" they asked, and she said, "Such and such happened to me." She told them her story.

As before, they all went asking about, until they heard him. "Here I am!" he squeaked. They found him, you might say, taking shelter from the rain in a dank animal pen, all wrapped up in a piece of coa.r.s.e cloth and s.h.i.+vering from the cold. "Who wants me?" he asked. "What do you want from me?"

"Such and such you did to this poor woman!" they blamed him. "Why did you embarra.s.s her in front of the vizier?"

"I was sitting inside her, warm and happy," he answered, "and she kept pressing and squeezing till she forced me out against my will, to fend for myself in this cold darkness."

"Very well. How then are you going to compensate her?"

"Her reward," he replied, "will be that every time she opens her mouth to say something, snakes and scorpions will spring from it and bite her."

No sooner had she said, "Let the earth open and take me back up!" than snakes and scorpions sprang from her mouth and bit her. When she was by her husband's side, he asked, "Well, what did you do?"

"I neither did nor found anything," she answered. She was telling her take while snakes and scorpions fell from her mouth and bit her until she died.

"You got what you deserved," said her husband then. "May you never rise again!"

He went and married another woman, happy to be rid of his first wife.

Maruf the Shoemaker

Once there was a shoemaker - a poor man with his wife and children, just like the son of Yusif il-Xatib, who is new to the craft. All day he mended shoes - save the listeners! - so he could make two or three piasters and buy bread for his children. I mean, he was making ends meet. One day his wife said to him, "You know, husband, I have a strong craving for knafe . It's a long time since we've had it, and we want you to bring us a platter full of knafe with honey."

"Wife," he asked, "how are we going to do that?"

"I don't know how," she answered, "but get it you must!"

Every day the poor man saved a piaster or two until in a week or two he had saved thirty, forty piasters and gone to the market, where he bought her a platter of knafe . Carrying it along, he brought it home and gave it to her. But when she tasted it and found it was made with sugar rather than honey, she took hold of the platter and tossed the knafe out.

"I told you I wanted a platter of knafe with honey, not with sugar syrup!" she complained.

Now, Maruf, he was short-tempered, and he became furious. Reaching for the stick, he set to beating her, turning her this way and that until the stick was broken. Out she came running, and she went straight to the cadi to bring her case against her husband. The cadi sent after Maruf, and he came and found her there.

"Why, my son," asked the judge, "do you beat your wife and insult her? And why don't you satisfy her needs?"

"Your excellency," answered Maruf, "may Allah give you long life! I'm a poor man. My condition's such and such, and my occupation's such and such. She asked for a platter of knafe, and for two weeks I scrimped until I was able to save its price. I went to the market, bought it for her, and brought it home, but when she tasted it and found it was made with sugar she said she didn't want it. So she took it and threw it out."

"It's all right, son," said the cadi. "Here's half a pound! Go buy her a platter of knafe, and make peace between you!"

The judge made peace between them, giving them the half-pound, and they went to the market and Maruf bought his wife the platter of knafe . Giving it to her to carry, he said, "Go!" She went home, and he stayed behind.

"By Allah!" he swore, "no longer am I even going to stay in the same country where this woman is to be found?

He stayed away till sunset, then found a ruined house where he leaned against a wall and waited for daylight so he could run away. And, by Allah, while he was inside the house, toward morning he felt a giant come upon him before he even knew what it was.

"What are you doing here?" asked the giant.

"By Allah," answered Maruf, "I'm running away from my wife, and I want to get as far away as possible."

"Where do you want to go?"

"I want to go to Egypt."

Reaching for him, the giant, who was from the jinn, picked him up and set him down in Egypt. Earlier he was in Damascus, but before day broke he was in Egypt. Now, he used to have a neighbor in Damascus called All who had since moved to Egypt, where Allah had blessed him and he was now a big merchant. As Maruf was wandering about early in the morning, people saw him. He was a stranger, they could tell.

"Where arc you from, uncle?"

"From Damascus."

"When did you leave Damascus?"

"I left this morning," he answered, "and I arrived this morning."

"Crazy man, crazy man, crazy man!" they shouted, gathering behind him and clapping. "Crazy man, crazy man!" they taunted him, following him around, until they pa.s.sed in front of the merchant Ali's. Looking carefully at Maruf, Ali recognized him. He chased away the boys following him and called him over.

"Come here!" he said, although Maruf had not yet recognized his old neighbor. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Damascus."

"When did you come from Damascus?"

"I left this morning."

"What!" exclaimed Ali, "You left Damascus this morning, and you're now here in Egypt! Are you crazy? By Allah, those boys were right to follow you around. Don't you recognize me?"

"No."

"Do you remember you used to have a neighbor in Damascus called Ali?"

"Yes."

"I'm your neighbor Ali."

"You're Ali!"