Don Juan Part 50

I have not heard she was at all poetic, Though once she was seen reading the 'Bath Guide,'

And 'Hayley's Triumphs,' which she deem'd pathetic, Because she said her temper had been tried So much, the bard had really been prophetic Of what she had gone through with--since a bride.

But of all verse, what most ensured her praise Were sonnets to herself, or 'bouts rimes.'

'T were difficult to say what was the object Of Adeline, in bringing this same lay To bear on what appear'd to her the subject Of Juan's nervous feelings on that day.

Perhaps she merely had the simple project To laugh him out of his supposed dismay; Perhaps she might wish to confirm him in it, Though why I cannot say--at least this minute.

But so far the immediate effect Was to restore him to his self-propriety, A thing quite necessary to the elect, Who wish to take the tone of their society: In which you cannot be too circ.u.mspect, Whether the mode be persiflage or piety, But wear the newest mantle of hypocrisy, On pain of much displeasing the gynocracy.

And therefore Juan now began to rally His spirits, and without more explanation To jest upon such themes in many a sally.

Her Grace, too, also seized the same occasion, With various similar remarks to tally, But wish'd for a still more detail'd narration Of this same mystic friar's curious doings, About the present family's deaths and wooings.

Of these few could say more than has been said; They pa.s.s'd as such things do, for superst.i.tion With some, while others, who had more in dread The theme, half credited the strange tradition; And much was talk'd on all sides on that head: But Juan, when cross-question'd on the vision, Which some supposed (though he had not avow'd it) Had stirr'd him, answer'd in a way to cloud it.

And then, the mid-day having worn to one, The company prepared to separate; Some to their several pastimes, or to none, Some wondering 't was so early, some so late.

There was a goodly match too, to be run Between some greyhounds on my lord's estate, And a young race-horse of old pedigree Match'd for the spring, whom several went to see.

There was a picture-dealer who had brought A special t.i.tian, warranted original, So precious that it was not to be bought, Though princes the possessor were besieging all.

The king himself had cheapen'd it, but thought The civil list he deigns to accept (obliging all His subjects by his gracious acceptation) Too scanty, in these times of low taxation.

But as Lord Henry was a connoisseur,-- The friend of artists, if not arts,--the owner, With motives the most cla.s.sical and pure, So that he would have been the very donor, Rather than seller, had his wants been fewer, So much he deem'd his patronage an honour, Had brought the capo d'opera, not for sale, But for his judgment--never known to fail.

There was a modern Goth, I mean a Gothic Bricklayer of Babel, call'd an architect, Brought to survey these grey walls, which though so thick, Might have from time acquired some slight defect; Who after rummaging the Abbey through thick And thin, produced a plan whereby to erect New buildings of correctest conformation, And throw down old--which he call'd restoration.

The cost would be a trifle--an 'old song,'

Set to some thousands ('t is the usual burden Of that same tune, when people hum it long)-- The price would speedily repay its worth in An edifice no less sublime than strong, By which Lord Henry's good taste would go forth in Its glory, through all ages s.h.i.+ning sunny, For Gothic daring shown in English money.

There were two lawyers busy on a mortgage Lord Henry wish'd to raise for a new purchase; Also a lawsuit upon tenures burgage, And one on t.i.thes, which sure are Discord's torches, Kindling Religion till she throws down her gage, 'Untying' squires 'to fight against the churches;'

There was a prize ox, a prize pig, and ploughman, For Henry was a sort of Sabine showman.

There were two poachers caught in a steel trap, Ready for gaol, their place of convalescence; There was a country girl in a close cap And scarlet cloak (I hate the sight to see, since-- Since--since--in youth, I had the sad mishap-- But luckily I have paid few parish fees since): That scarlet cloak, alas! unclosed with rigour, Presents the problem of a double figure.

A reel within a bottle is a mystery, One can't tell how it e'er got in or out; Therefore the present piece of natural history I leave to those who are fond of solving doubt; And merely state, though not for the consistory, Lord Henry was a justice, and that Scout The constable, beneath a warrant's banner, Had bagg'd this poacher upon Nature's manor.

Now justices of peace must judge all pieces Of mischief of all kinds, and keep the game And morals of the country from caprices Of those who have not a license for the same; And of all things, excepting t.i.thes and leases, Perhaps these are most difficult to tame: Preserving partridges and pretty wenches Are puzzles to the most precautious benches.

The present culprit was extremely pale, Pale as if painted so; her cheek being red By nature, as in higher dames less hale 'T is white, at least when they just rise from bed.

Perhaps she was ashamed of seeming frail, Poor soul! for she was country born and bred, And knew no better in her immorality Than to wax white--for blushes are for quality.

Her black, bright, downcast, yet espiegle eye, Had gather'd a large tear into its corner, Which the poor thing at times essay'd to dry, For she was not a sentimental mourner Parading all her sensibility, Nor insolent enough to scorn the scorner, But stood in trembling, patient tribulation, To be call'd up for her examination.

Of course these groups were scatter'd here and there, Not nigh the gay saloon of ladies gent.

The lawyers in the study; and in air The prize pig, ploughman, poachers; the men sent From town, viz., architect and dealer, were Both busy (as a general in his tent Writing despatches) in their several stations, Exulting in their brilliant lucubrations.

But this poor girl was left in the great hall, While Scout, the parish guardian of the frail, Discuss'd (he hated beer yclept the 'small') A mighty mug of moral double ale.

She waited until justice could recall Its kind attentions to their proper pale, To name a thing in nomenclature rather Perplexing for most virgins--a child's father.

You see here was enough of occupation For the Lord Henry, link'd with dogs and horses.

There was much bustle too, and preparation Below stairs on the score of second courses; Because, as suits their rank and situation, Those who in counties have great land resources Have 'Public days,' when all men may carouse, Though not exactly what 's call'd 'open house.'

But once a week or fortnight, uninvited (Thus we translate a general invitation), All country gentlemen, esquired or knighted, May drop in without cards, and take their station At the full board, and sit alike delighted With fas.h.i.+onable wines and conversation; And, as the isthmus of the grand connection, Talk o'er themselves the past and next election.

Lord Henry was a great electioneerer, Burrowing for boroughs like a rat or rabbit; But county contests cost him rather dearer, Because the neighbouring Scotch Earl of Giftgabbit Had English influence in the self-same sphere here; His son, the Honourable d.i.c.k Dicedrabbit, Was member for the 'other interest' (meaning The same self-interest, with a different leaning).

Courteous and cautious therefore in his county, He was all things to all men, and dispensed To some civility, to others bounty, And promises to all--which last commenced To gather to a somewhat large amount, he Not calculating how much they condensed; But what with keeping some, and breaking others, His word had the same value as another's.

A friend to freedom and freeholders--yet No less a friend to government--he held, That he exactly the just medium hit 'Twixt place and patriotism--albeit compell'd, Such was his sovereign's pleasure (though unfit, He added modestly, when rebels rail'd), To hold some sinecures he wish'd abolish'd, But that with them all law would be demolish'd.

He was 'free to confess' (whence comes this phrase?

Is 't English? No--'t is only parliamentary) That innovation's spirit now-a-days Had made more progress than for the last century.

He would not tread a factious path to praise, Though for the public weal disposed to venture high; As for his place, he could but say this of it, That the fatigue was greater than the profit.

Heaven, and his friends, knew that a private life Had ever been his sole and whole ambition; But could he quit his king in times of strife, Which threaten'd the whole country with perdition?

When demagogues would with a butcher's knife Cut through and through (oh! d.a.m.nable incision!) The Gordian or the Geordi-an knot, whose strings Have tied together commons, lords, and kings.

Sooner 'come lace into the civil list And champion him to the utmost'--he would keep it, Till duly disappointed or dismiss'd: Profit he care not for, let others reap it; But should the day come when place ceased to exist, The country would have far more cause to weep it: For how could it go on? Explain who can!

He gloried in the name of Englishman.

He was as independent--ay, much more-- Than those who were not paid for independence, As common soldiers, or a common--sh.o.r.e, Have in their several arts or parts ascendance O'er the irregulars in l.u.s.t or gore, Who do not give professional attendance.

Thus on the mob all statesmen are as eager To prove their pride, as footmen to a beggar.

All this (save the last stanza) Henry said, And thought. I say no more--I 've said too much; For all of us have either heard or read-- Off--or upon the hustings--some slight such Hints from the independent heart or head Of the official candidate. I 'll touch No more on this--the dinner-bell hath rung, And grace is said; the grace I should have sung--

But I 'm too late, and therefore must make play.

'T was a great banquet, such as Albion old Was wont to boast--as if a glutton's tray Were something very glorious to behold.

But 't was a public feast and public day,-- Quite full, right dull, guests hot, and dishes cold, Great plenty, much formality, small cheer, And every body out of their own sphere.

The squires familiarly formal, and My lords and ladies proudly condescending; The very servants puzzling how to hand Their plates--without it might be too much bending From their high places by the sideboard's stand-- Yet, like their masters, fearful of offending.

For any deviation from the graces Might cost both man and master too--their places.

There were some hunters bold, and coursers keen, Whose hounds ne'er err'd, nor greyhounds deign'd to lurch; Some deadly shots too, Septembrizers, seen Earliest to rise, and last to quit the search Of the poor partridge through his stubble screen.

There were some ma.s.sy members of the church, Takers of t.i.thes, and makers of good matches, And several who sung fewer psalms than catches.

There were some country wags too--and, alas!

Some exiles from the town, who had been driven To gaze, instead of pavement, upon gra.s.s, And rise at nine in lieu of long eleven.

And lo! upon that day it came to pa.s.s, I sate next that o'erwhelming son of heaven, The very powerful parson, Peter Pith, The loudest wit I e'er was deafen'd with.

I knew him in his livelier London days, A brilliant diner out, though but a curate; And not a joke he cut but earn'd its praise, Until preferment, coming at a sure rate (O Providence! how wondrous are thy ways!

Who would suppose thy gifts sometimes obdurate?), Gave him, to lay the devil who looks o'er Lincoln, A fat fen vicarage, and nought to think on.

His jokes were sermons, and his sermons jokes; But both were thrown away amongst the fens; For wit hath no great friend in aguish folks.

No longer ready ears and short-hand pens Imbibed the gay bon-mot, or happy hoax: The poor priest was reduced to common sense, Or to coa.r.s.e efforts very loud and long, To hammer a horse laugh from the thick throng.

There is a difference, says the song, 'between A beggar and a queen,' or was (of late The latter worse used of the two we 've seen-- But we 'll say nothing of affairs of state); A difference ''twixt a bishop and a dean,'

A difference between crockery ware and plate, As between English beef and Spartan broth-- And yet great heroes have been bred by both.

But of all nature's discrepancies, none Upon the whole is greater than the difference Beheld between the country and the town, Of which the latter merits every preference From those who have few resources of their own, And only think, or act, or feel, with reference To some small plan of interest or ambition-- Both which are limited to no condition.

But 'en avant!' The light loves languish o'er Long banquets and too many guests, although A slight repast makes people love much more, Bacchus and Ceres being, as we know Even from our grammar upwards, friends of yore With vivifying Venus, who doth owe To these the invention of champagne and truffles: Temperance delights her, but long fasting ruffles.