Wild Oats Part 5

_F. Gam._ Ay, so her mother said, an't please your ladys.h.i.+p.

_Lady Am._ Ephraim Smooth acquainteth me thou art a wealthy yeoman.

_F. Gam._ Why, my lady, I pay my rent.

_Lady Am._ Being yet a stranger on my estate around here, I have pa.s.sed through thy hamlet to behold with mine own eye the distresses of my poor tenants. I wish to relieve their wants.

_F. Gam._ Right, your ladys.h.i.+p: for charity hides a deal of sins.

How good of you to think of the poor! that's so like me; I'm always contriving how to relieve my neighbours--you must lay Banks in jail to-night. [_Apart to_ TWITCH.]

_Enter_ JANE.

_Jane._ A'nt please you, will your ladys.h.i.+p enter our humble dwelling, and rest your ladys.h.i.+p in feyther's great cane bottom'd elbow chair with a high back. [_Curtsies._]

_F. Gam._ Do, my lady. To receive so great a body from her own chariot is an honour I dreamt not of; though, for the hungry and weary foot traveller, my doors are always open, and my morsel ready. Knock; when he comes out, touch him. [_Aside to_ TWITCH.]

_Lady Am._ Thou art benevolent, and I will enter thy dwelling with satisfaction.

_Jane._ O precious! This way, my lady. [_Exeunt all but_ TWITCH.

_Twitch._ Eh, where's the warrant? [_Feels his pocket, and knocks at_ BANKS'S _door_.]

_Enter_ BANKS.

_Banks._ Master Twitch! What's your business with me?

_Twitch._ Only a little affair here against you.

_Banks._ Me!

_Twitch._ Yes; Farmer Gammon has bought a thirty pound note of hand of yours.

_Banks._ Indeed! Well, I didn't think his malice could have stretched so far--I thought the love, he professed for my sister, might--why, it is true, Master Twitch, to lend our indigent cottagers small sums when they've been unable to pay their rents, I got lawyer Quirk to procure me this money, and hoped their industry would have put it in my power to take up my note before now. However, I'll go round and try what they can do, then call on you and settle it.

_Twitch._ You must go with me.

_Rover._ [_Without._] Old gentleman, come quick, or I'll draw another bottle of your currant wine.

_Twitch._ You'd best not make a noise, but come. [_To_ BANKS.]

_Enter_ ROVER.

_Rover._ Oh, you're here? Rain over--quite fine--I'll take a sniff of the open air too--Eh, what's the matter?

_Twitch._ What's that to you?

_Rover._ What's that to me? Why, you're a very unmannerly--

_Twitch._ Oh, here's a rescue!

_Banks._ Nay, my dear sir, I'd wish you not to bring yourself into trouble about me.

_Twitch._ Now, since you don't know what's civil, if the debt's not paid directly, to jail you go.

_Rover._ My kind, hospitable good old man to jail! What's the amount, you scoundrel.

_Twitch._ Better words, or I'll--

_Rover._ Stop; utter you a word good or bad, except to tell me what's your demand upon this gentleman, and I'll give you the greatest beating you ever got since the hour you commenced rascal. [_In a low tone._]

_Twitch._ Why, master, I don't want to quarrel with you, because--

_Rover._ You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest man living?

_Twitch._ Who, pray?

_Rover._ "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came there. [_Aside, and takes it out._] There's twenty pictures of his majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject; [_Takes Banks away._] and now who am I? Ah, ah!

_Twitch._ Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper I'll take this and your bail.

_Rover._ Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done!

_Enter_ GAMMON.

Ah, here's old hospitality! I know you've a house, though your fire side was too warm for me. Lookye, here's some rapacious, griping rascal, has had this worthy gentleman arrested. Now a certain, good-for-nothing, rattling fellow has paid twenty guineas; you pa.s.s your word for the other nine, we'll step back into the old gentleman's friendly house, and over his currant wine, our first toast shall be, liberty to the honest debtor, and confusion to the hard hearted creditor.

_Gam._ I shan't.

_Rover._ Shan't! What's your name?

_F. Gam._ Gammon.

_Rover._ Gammon! Dem'me, you're the Hamps.h.i.+re hog. [_Exit_ F. GAMMON.

'Sdeath! How shall I do to extricate--? I wish I had another purse in my waistcoat pocket.

_Enter_ LADY AMARANTH, _from_ GAMMON'S, ZACHARIAH _following_.

_Lady Am._ What tumult's this?

_Rover._ A lady! Ma'am, your most obedient humble servant. [_Bows._] A quaker too! They are generally kind and humane, and that face is the prologue to a play of a thousand good acts--may be she'd help us here.

[_Aside._] Ma'am, you must know that--that I--no--this gentleman--I mean this gentleman and I--He got a little behind hand, as every honest, well principled man often may, from--bad harvests and rains--lodging corn--and his cattle--from murrain, and--rot the murrain! you know this is the way all this affair happened, [_To Banks._] and then up steps this gentleman, [_To Twitch._] with a--a tip in his way--madam, you understand? And then in steps I--with my a--In short, madam, I am the worst story teller in the world, where myself is the hero of the tale.

_Twitch._ Mr. Banks has been arrested for thirty pounds, and this gentleman has paid twenty guineas of the debt.

_Banks._ My litigious neighbour to expose me thus!

_Lady Am._ The young man and maiden within, have spoken well of thy sister, and pictured thee as a man of irreproachable morals, though unfortunate.

_Rover._ Madam, he's the honestest fellow--I've known him above forty years, he has the best hand at stirring a fire--If you was only to taste his currant wine.