The Young Gentleman and Lady's Monitor, and English Teacher's Assistant Part 30

19. Whenever you commend, add your reasons for so doing; it is this which distinguishes the approbation of a man of sense, from the flattery of sycophants, and admiration of fools.

Raillery is no longer agreeable, than while the whole company is pleased with it. I would least of all be understood to except the person raillied.

20. Though good-humour, sense, and discretion, can seldom fail to make a man agreeable, it may be no ill policy sometimes to prepare yourself in a particular manner for conversation, by looking a little farther than your neighbours into whatever is become a reigning subject. If our armies are besieging a place of importance abroad, or our House of Commons debating a bill of consequence at home, you can hardly fail of being heard with pleasure, if you have nicely informed yourself of the strength, situation and history of the first, or of the reasons for and against the latter.

21. It will have the same effect if, when any single person begins to make a noise in the world, you can learn some of the smallest accidents in his life or conversation, which, though they are too fine for the observation of the vulgar, give more satisfaction to men of sense, (as they are the best openings to a real character) than the recital of his most glaring actions. I know but one ill consequence to be feared from this method, namely, that coming full charged into company, you should resolve to unload, whether an handsome opportunity offers itself or no.

22. The liberal arts, though they may possibly have less effect on our external mein and behaviour, make so deep an impression on the mind, as is very apt to bend it wholly one way.

The mathematician will take little less than demonstration in the most common discourse; and the schoolman is as great a friend to definitions and syllogisms. The physician and divine are often heard to dictate in private companies with the same authority which they exercise over their patients and disciples; while the lawyer is putting cases, and raising matter for disputation, out of every thing that occurs.

23. Though the asking of questions may plead for itself the s.p.a.cious name of modesty, and a desire of information, it affords little pleasure to the rest of the company, who are not troubled with the same doubts; besides which, he who asks a question would do well to consider that he lies wholly at the mercy of another before he receives an answer.

24. Nothing is more silly than the pleasure some people take in what they call speaking their minds. A man of this make will say a rude thing for the mere pleasure of saying, it, when an opposite behaviour, full as, innocent, might have preserved his friend, or made his fortune.

It is not impossible for a man to form to himself as exquisite a pleasure in complying with the humour and sentiments of others, as of bringing others over to his own; since 'tis the certain sign of a superior genius, that can take and become whatever dress it pleases.

25. Avoid disputes as much as possible, in order to appear easy and well-bred, in conversation. You may a.s.sure yourself, that it requires more wit, as well as more good-humour, to improve than to contradict the notions of another; but if you are at any time obliged to enter on an argument, give your reasons with the inmost coolness and modesty, two things which scarce ever fail of making an impression on the hearers.

Besides, if you are neither dogmatical, nor shew either by your actions or words, that you are full of yourself, all will the more heartily rejoice at your victory; nay, should, you be pinched in your argument, you may make your retreat with a very good graces you were never positive, and are now glad to be better informed.

26. This hath made some approve the socratical way of reasoning, where, while you scarce affirm any thing, you can hardly be caught in an absurdity; and though possibly you are endeavouring to bring over another to your opinion, which is firmly fixed, you seem only to desire information from him.

27. In order to keep that temper, which is so difficult and yet so necessary to preserve, you may please to consider, that nothing can be more unjust or ridiculous, than to be angry with another because he is not of your opinion. The interests, education, and means, by which men attain their knowledge, are so very different, that it is impossible they should all think alike; and he has at least us much reason to be angry with you, as you with him.

28. Sometimes to keep yourself cool, it may be of service to ask yourself fairly, what might have been your opinion, had you all the biases of education and interest your adversary may possibly have? But if you contend for the honour of victory alone, you may lay down this as an infallible maxim, That you cannot make a more false step, or give your antagonists a greater advantage over you, than by falling into a pa.s.sion.

29. When an argument is over, how many weighty reasons does a man recollect, which his heat and violence made him utterly forget?

It is yet more absurd to be angry with a man, because he does not apprehend the force of your reasons, or give weak ones of his own. If you argue for reputation, this makes your victory the easier; he is certainly in all respects an object of your pity, rather than anger; and if he cannot comprehend what you do, you ought to thank nature for her favours, who has given you so much the clearer understanding.

30. You may please to add this consideration, that among your equals no one values your anger, which only preys upon its master; and perhaps you may find it not very consistent, either with prudence or your ease, to punish yourself whenever you meet with a fool or a knave.

31. Lastly, if you propose to yourself the true end of argument, which is information, it may be a seasonable check to your pa.s.sion; for if you search purely after truth, it will be almost indifferent to you where you find it. I cannot in this place omit an observation which I have often made, namely, that nothing procures a man more esteem and less envy from the whole company, than if he chooses the part of moderator, without engaging directly on either side in a dispute.

32. This gives him the character of impartial, furnishes him an opportunity of sifting things to the bottom, shewing his judgment, and of sometimes making handsome compliments to each of the contending parties.

When you have gained a victory, do not push it too far; it is sufficient to let the company and your adversary see it is in your power, but that you are too generous to make use of it.

33. I shall only add, that besides what I have here said, there is something which can never be learnt but in the company of the polite.

The virtues of men are catching as well as their vices, and your own observations added to these, will soon discover what it is that commands attention in one man, and makes you tired and displeased with the discourse of another.

_Further Remarks taken from Lord Chesterfield's Letters to his Son._

34. Having now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you well received in the best of companies; nothing remains but that I lay before you some few rules for your conduct in such company. Many things on this subject I have mentioned before; but some few matters remain to be mentioned now.

Talk, then, frequently, but not long together, lest you tire the persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of time.

35. Avoid telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed, and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with some apology; as, that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness of it induced you. And if your story has any wit in it, be particularly careful not to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story by a laugh.

36. In relating any thing, keep clear of repet.i.tions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use these so often, as to take off the hearers' attention from the story; as in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.

37. Digressions, likewise, should be guarded against. A story is always more agreeable without them. Of this kind are, "_the gentleman I am telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas ----, who lives in Harley-street;--you must know him--his brother had a horse that won the sweepstakes at the last Newmarket meeting.--Zounds! if you don't know him you know nothing_." Or, "_He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own long hair; don't you recollect him_?"--All this is unnecessary, is very tiresome and provoking, and would he an excuse for a man's behaviour, if he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative.

38. Some people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to by the b.u.t.ton, or the hands in order to be heard out; conscious, I suppose, that their tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person you speak to is not as willing to hear your story as you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the middle: for if you tire them once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time.

39. Others have a way of punching the person they are talking to in the side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some questions as the following--"Wasn't I right in that?"--"You know, I told you so."--"What's your opinion?" and the like; or, perhaps, they will be thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow. For mercy's sake, never give way to this: it will make your company dreaded.

40. Long talkers are frequently apt to single out some unfortunate man present; generally the most silent one of the company, or probably him who sits next them. To this man, in a kind of half whisper, they will run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be more ill-bred. But, if one of these unmerciful talkers should attack you, if you wish to oblige him, I would recommend the hearing with patience: seem to do so at least, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle of his story, or discover any impatience in the course of it.

41. Incessant talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the words, as it were, out of another man's mouth. Every man in company has an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, and to deprive him of it, is not only unjust, but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak so well upon the subject as yourself: you will therefore take it up.

And, what can be more rude? I would as soon forgive a man that should stop my mouth when I was gaping, as take my words as it were, me while I was speaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable.

42. It cannot be less so to help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted, every one is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny it; helping a person out, therefore, in his expressions, is a correction that will stamp the corrector with impudence and ill-manners.

43. Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every a.s.sertion a matter of dispute, betray by this behaviour an unacquaintance with good-breeding. He, therefore, who wishes to appear amiable, with those he converses with, will be cautious of such expressions as these, "That can't be true, sir." "The affair is as I say." "That must be false, sir." "If what you say is true, &c." You may as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling a.s.sertion with a bet or a wager--"I'll bet you fifty of it," and so on. Make it then a constant rule, in matters of no great importance, complaisantly to submit your opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind often costs a man the loss of a friend.

44. Giving advice unasked, is another piece of rudeness: it is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and yet there are these who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. "Such-a-one,"

say they, "is above being advised. He scorns to listen to my advice;" as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one to submit to their opinion, than for a man sometimes to follow his own.

45. There is nothing so unpardonably rude, as a seeming inattention to the person who is speaking to you; tho' you may meet with it in others, by all means avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while others are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at or attending to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, or some picture in the room, look out of the window, play with a dog, their watch-chain, or their cane, or probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing betrays a more trifling mind than this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to the person speaking; it being a tacit declaration, that what he is saying is not worth your attention. Consider with yourself how you would like such treatment, and, I am persuaded, you will never shew it to others.

46. Surliness or moroseness is incompatible also with politeness. Such as, should any one say "he was desired to present Mr. such-a-one's respects to you," to reply, "What the devil have I to do with his respects?"--"My Lord enquired after you lately, and asked how you did,"

to answer, "if he wishes to know, let him come and feel my pulse," and the like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether affected or natural, it is always offensive. A man of this stamp will occasionally be laughed at as an oddity; but in the end will be despised.

47. I should suppose it unnecessary to advise you to adapt your conversation to the company you are in. You would not surely start the same subject, and discourse of it in the same manner, with the old and with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, and a woman? no; your good sense will undoubtedly teach you to be serious with the serious, gay with the gay, and to trifle with the triflers.

48. There are certain expressions which are exceedingly rude, and yet there are people of liberal education that sometimes use them; as, "You don't understand me, sir." "Is it not so?" "You mistake." "You know nothing of the matter," &c. Is it not better to say, "I believe I do not express myself so as to be understood." "Let us consider it again, whether we take it right or not." It is much more polite and amiable to make some excuse for another, even in cases where he might justly be blamed, and to represent the mistake as common to both, rather than charge him with insensibility or incomprehension.

49. If any one should have promised you any thing, and not have fulfilled that promise, it would be very impolite to tell him he has forfeited his word; or if the same person should have disappointed you, upon any occasion, would it not be better to say, "You were probably so much engaged, that you forgot my affair;" or, "perhaps it slipped your memory;" rather than, "you thought no more about it:" or, "you pay very little regard to your word." For expressions of this kind leave a sting behind them--They are a kind of provocation and affront, and very often bring on lasting quarrels.

50. Be careful not to appear dark and mysterious, lest you should be thought suspicious; than which, there cannot be a more unamiable character. If you appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly so with you: and in this case, there is an end to improvement, for you will gather no information. Be reserved, but never seem so.

51. There is a fault extremely common with some people, which I would have you avoid. When their opinion is asked upon any subject, they will give it with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially if they are known to be men of universal knowledge. "Your Lords.h.i.+p will pardon me," says one of this stamp, "if I should not be able to speak to the case in hand, so well as it might be wished."--"I'll venture to speak of this matter to the best of my poor abilities and dullness of apprehension."--"I fear I shall expose myself, but in obedience to your Lords.h.i.+p's commands,"--and while they are making these apologies, they interrupt the business and tire the company.

52. Always look people in the face when you speak to them, otherwise you will be thought conscious of some guilt; besides, you lose the opportunity of reading their countenances; from which you will much better learn the impression your discourse makes upon them, than you can possibly do from their words; for words are at the will of every one, but the countenance is frequently involuntary.

53. If, in speaking to a person, you are not heard, and should be desired to repeat what you said, do not raise your voice in the repet.i.tion, lest you should be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you had said before; it was probably owing to the hearer's inattention.

54. One word only, as to swearing. Those who addict themselves to it, and interlard their discourse with oaths, can never be considered as gentlemen; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to plead, but is, in every respect, as vulgar as it is wicked.

55. Never accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen to it; for though it may gratify the malevolence of some people, nine times out of ten it is attended with great disadvantages. The very person you tell it to, will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, and it will often bring you into a very disagreeable situation. And as there would be no evil-speakers, if there were no evil-hearers; it is in scandal as in robbery; the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will lead people to shun your company, supposing that you would speak ill of them to the next acquaintance you meet.

56. Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domestic concerns. By doing the one you will be thought vain; by entering into the other, you will be considered as officious. Talking of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them; besides, they cannot be kept too secret. And as to the affairs of others, what are they to you? In talking of matters that no way concern you, you are liable to commit blunders, and, should you touch any one in a sore part, you may possibly lose his esteem. Let your conversation, then, in mixed companies, always be general.

57. Jokes, _bon-mots_, or the little pleasantries of one company, will not often bear to be told in another; they are frequently local, and take their rise from certain circ.u.mstances; a second company may not be acquainted with these circ.u.mstances, and of course your story may not be understood, or want explaining; and if, after you have prefaced it with, "I will tell you a good thing," the sting should not be immediately perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and wish you had not told it. Never, then, repeat in one place what you hear in another.

58. In most debates, take up the favourable side of the question; however, let me caution you against being clamorous; that is, never maintain an argument with heat though you know yourself right; but offer your sentiments modestly and coolly; and, if this does not prevail, give it up, and try to change the subject, by saying something to this effect, "I find we shall hardly convince one another, neither is there any necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something else."