Life And Adventures Of Peter Wilkins Part 5

Thus provided, I sallied forth with great cheerfulness, and proceeded in the main easily; though in some places I was forced to make way with my hatchet, the ground was so over-run with underwood. I very narrowly viewed the rock as I went, bottom and sides, all the way, but could see nothing like a pa.s.sage through it, or indeed any more than one opening, or inlet, which I entered for about thirty yards, but it was not above three feet wide, and terminated in the solid rock.

After some days' travel (making all the observations I could on the several plants, shrubs, and trees which I met with, particularly where any of these occurred to me entirely new), finding myself a little faintish, I had a mind for a sup of ram's-horn juice; so I cut me one, but upon opening it found therein only a pithy pulp, and noways fit to taste. I supposed by this I was too early for the milk, it being three months later the last year when I cut them. Hereon, seeing one upon another shrub, which by its rusty colour I judged might have hung all the winter, I opened that, and found it full of milk; but putting some of it into my mouth, it was as sour as any vinegar I ever tasted in my life. So, thinks I (and said so too; for, as I told you before, I always spoke out), here's sauce for something when I want it; and this gave me a hint to store myself with these gourds, to hang by for vinegar the next winter.

By this time I had come almost to my rill, when I entered upon a large plat of ground miserably over-run with weeds, matted together very thick. These choked up my wheels in such a manner that I could neither free them with my hands, nor get either backwards or forwards, they binding my cart down like so many cords; so that I was obliged to cut my way back again with my hatchet, and take a sweep round in the wood, on the outside of these weeds.

In all my life I never saw anything of its size, for it was no thicker than a whipcord, so strong as this weed; and what raised my wonder was the length of it, for I drew out pieces of it near fifty feet long, and even they were broken at the end, so that it might be as long again for aught I know, for it was so matted and twisted together, that it was a great trial of patience to untangle it; but that which was driest, and to me looked the rottenest and weakest, I found to be much the strongest. Upon examination of its parts, I discovered it to be composed of an infinite number of small threads, spirally overlaying and enfolding one another.

As I saw but few things that I could not find a use for, so this I perceived would serve all the common purposes of packthread; a thing I was often in want of. This inclined me to take a load of it home with me. Indeed the difficulty of getting a quant.i.ty in the condition I desired it, puzzled me a little; for, says I, if I cut up a good deal of it with my hatchet, as I first designed, I shall only have small lengths, good for little, and to get it in pieces of any considerable length, so as to be of service, will require much time and labour. But reflecting how much I needed it, and of what benefit it would be, I resolved to make a trial of what I could do; so, without more hesitation, I went to work, and cutting a fibre close to its root, I extricated that thread from all its windings, just as one does an entangled whipcord. When I had thus disengaged a sufficient length, I cut that off, and repeating the like operation, in about three hours'

time, but with no little toil, I made up my load of different lengths just to my liking. Having finished this task, I filled the gourd, brought for that purpose, with water; and having first viewed the whole remaining part of the rock, I returned over the stone bridge home again.

This journey, though it took me up several days, and was attended with some fatigue, had yet given me great satisfaction; for now I was persuaded I could not have one rival or enemy to fear in my whole dominions. And from the impossibility, as I supposed, of there being any, or of the ingress of any, unless by the same pa.s.sage I entered at, and by which I was well a.s.sured they could never return, I grew contented, and blamed myself for the folly of my imaginary voices, as I called them then, and took it for a distemper of the fancy only.

The next day I looked over my load of matweed, having given it that name, and separated the different lengths from each other. I then found I had several pieces between forty and fifty feet long, of which I resolved to get a good number more, to make me a drag-net that I might try for some fish in the lake. A day or two after, therefore, I brought home another load of it Then I picked out a smooth level spot upon the green-sward, and having prepared a great number of short wooden pegs, I strained a line of the matweed about ten feet long, tying it at each end to a peg, and stuck a row of pegs along by that line, about two inches asunder; I next strained another line of the same length, parallel to that, at the distance of forty feet from it, and stuck pegs thereby, corresponding to the former row; and from each peg on one side, to the opposite peg on the other, I tied a like length of my mat-line, quite through the whole number of pegs; when the work looked like the inside of a harpsichord. I afterwards drove pegs in like manner along the whole length of the two outermost longer lines, and tied shorter lines to them, so that the whole affair then represented the squares of a racket; the corners of each of which squares I tied very tight with smaller pieces of the line, till I had formed a complete net of forty feet long and ten wide.

When I had finished my net, as I thought, I wrapped several stones in rags, and fastened them to the bottom to sink it, and some of the smallest unscooped dry gourds to the top, to keep that part buoyant. I now longed to begin my new trade, and carried the net to my boat with that intention; but after two or three hauls I found it would not answer for want of length (though by chance I caught a blackish fish without scales, a little bigger than whiting, but much longer, which stuck by the gills in it); so I left the net in the boat, resolving to make an addition to it with all speed; and returning to my grotto, I supped on the fish I had taken and considered how to pursue my enterprise with better effect.

I provided me with another large parcel of line; and having brought two more lengths to perfection, I joined all together, and fixing one end on sh.o.r.e, by a pole I had cut for that purpose, I launched my boat, with the other end in it, taking a sweep the length of my net round to my stick again, and getting on sh.o.r.e, hauled up my net by both ends together. I found now I had mended my instrument, and taken a proper way of applying it; for by this means, in five hauls, I caught about sixteen fish of three or four different sorts, and one sh.e.l.l-fish, almost like a lobster, but without great claws, and with a very small short tail; which made me think, as the body was thrice as long as a lobster's in proportion, that it did not swim backwards, like that creature, but only crawled forwards (it having lobsterlike legs, but much shorter and stronger), and that the legs all standing so forward, its tail was, by its motion, to keep the hinder part of the body from dragging upon the ground, as I observed it did when the creature walked on land, it then frequently flacking its short tail.

These fish made me rich in provisions. Some of them I ate fresh, and the remainder I salted down. But of all the kinds, my lobster was the most delicious food, and made me almost three meals.

Thus finding there were fish to be had, though my present tackle seemed suitable enough to my family, yet could I not rest till I had improved my fishery by enlarging my net; for as it was, even with my late addition, I must either sweep little or no compa.s.s of ground, or it would have no bag behind me. Upon this I set to work and shortly doubled the dimensions of it. I had then a mind to try it at the mouth of my rill; so taking it with me the next time I crossed the lake for water, and fastening it to my pole, close by the right side of the rill, I swept a long compa.s.s round to the left, and closing the ends, attempted to draw it up in the hollow cut of the rill. But by the time I had gathered up two-thirds of the net, I felt a resistance that quite amazed me. In short, I was not able to stand against the force I felt.

Whereupon sitting down in the rill, and clapping my feet to the two sides of it, I exerted all my strength, till finally I became conqueror, and brought up so shocking a monster, that I was just rising to run for my life on the sight of it. But recollecting that the creature was hampered, and could not make so much resistance on the land as in the water, I ventured to drag the net up as far from the rill as my strength and breath would permit me; and then running to the boat for my gun, I returned to the net to examine my prize. Indeed, I had not instantly resolution enough to survey it, and when at length I a.s.sumed courage enough to do so, I could not perfectly distinguish the parts, they were so discomposed; but taking hold of one end of the net, I endeavoured to disentangle the thing, and then drawing the net away, a most surprising sight presented itself: the creature reared upright, about three feet high, covered all over with long, black s.h.a.ggy hair, like a bear, which hung down from his head and neck quite along his back and sides. He had two fins, very broad and large, which, as he stood erect, looked like arms, and these he waved and whirled about with incredible velocity; and though I wondered at first at it, I found afterwards it was the motion of these fins that kept him upright; for I perceived when they ceased their motion he fell flat on his belly. He had two very large feet, which he stood upon, but could not run, and but barely walk on them, which made me in the less haste to despatch him; and after he had stood upon his feet about four minutes, clapping his fins to his sides, he fell upon his belly.

When I found he could not attack me, I was moving closer to him; but upon sight of my stirring, up he rose again, and whirled his fins about as before so long as he stood. And now I viewed him round, and found he had no tail at all, and that his hinder fins, or feet, very much resembled a large frog's, but were at least ten inches broad, and eighteen long, from heel to toe; and his legs were so short that when he stood upright his breech bore upon the ground. His belly, which he kept towards me, was of an ash-colour, and very broad, as also was his breast His eyes were small and blue, with a large black sight in the middle, and rather of an oval than round make. He had a long snout like a boar, and vast teeth. Thus having surveyed him near half an hour living, I made him rise up once more and shot him in the breast. He fell, and giving a loud howl, or groan, expired.

I had then time to see what else I had caught; and turning over the net, found a few of the same fish I had taken before, and some others of a flat-tish make, and one little lump of flesh unformed; which last, by all I could make of it, seemed to be either a sp.a.w.n or young one of that I had shot.

The great creature was so heavy, I was afraid I must have cut him in pieces to get him to the boat; but with much ado, having stowed the rest, I tumbled him on board. I then filled my water-cask and rowed homewards. Being got to land, I was obliged to bring down my cart, to carry my great beast-fish, as I termed him, up to the grotto. When I had got him thither, I had a notion of first tasting, and then, if I liked his flesh, of salting him down and drying him; so, having flayed him and taken out the guts and entrails, I boiled a piece of him; but it made such a blaze that most of the fat ran into the fire, and the flesh proved so dry and rank that I could no ways endure it.

I then began to be sorry I had taken so much pains for no profit, and had endangered my net into the bargain (for that had got a crack or two in the scuffle), and was thinking to throw away my large but worthless acquisition.

However, as I was now p.r.o.ne to weighing all things, before I threw it away I resolved to consider a little; whereupon I changed my mind.

Says I, Here is a good warm skin, which, when dry, will make me a rare cus.h.i.+on. Again, I have for a long while had no light beside that of the day; but now as this beast's fat makes such a blaze in the fire, and issues in so great a quant.i.ty from such a small piece as I broiled, why may not I boil a good tallow or oil out of it? and if I can, I have not made so bad a hand of my time as I thought for.

In short, I went immediately to work upon this subject (for I never let a project cool after I had once started it), and boiled as much of the flesh as the kettle would hold, and letting it stand to cool, I found it turned out very good oil for burning; though I confess I thought it would rather have made tallow. This success quickened my industry; and I repeated the operation till I got about ten quarts of this stuff, which very well rewarded my labour. After I had extracted as much oil as I could from the beast-fish, the creature having strongly impressed my imagination, I conceived a new fancy in relation to it; and that was, having heard him make a deep, howling groan at his death, I endeavoured to persuade myself, and at last verily believed, that the voices I had so often heard in the dark weather proceeded from numbers of these creatures, diverting themselves in the lake, or sporting together on the sh.o.r.e; and this thought, in its turn, contributed to ease my apprehensions in that respect.

CHAPTER XIV.

The author pa.s.ses the summer pleasantly--Hears the voices in the winter--Ventures out--Sees a strange sight on the lake-- His uneasiness at it--His dream--Soliloquy--Hears the voices again, and perceives a great shock on his building-- Takes up a beautiful woman--He thinks her dead, but recovers her--A description of her--She stays with him

I pa.s.sed the summer (though I had never yet seen the sun's body) very much to my satisfaction: partly in the work I have been describing (for I had taken two more of the beast-fish, and had a great quant.i.ty of oil from them); partly in building me a chimney in my ante-chamber of mud and earth burnt on my own hearth into a sort of brick; in making a window at one end of the abovesaid chamber, to let in what little light would come through the trees when I did not choose to open my door; in moulding an earthen lamp for my oil; and, finally, in providing and laying in stores, fresh and salt (for I had now cured and dried many more fish), against winter. These, I say, were my summer employments at home, intermixed with many agreeable excursions. But now the winter coming on, and the days growing very short, or indeed there being no day properly speaking, but a kind of twilight, I kept mostly in my habitation, though not so much as I had done the winter before, when I had no light within doors, and slept, or at least lay still, great part of my time; for now my lamp was never out. I also turned two of my beast-fish skins into a rug to cover my bed, and the third into a cus.h.i.+on, which I always sat upon, and a very soft and warm cus.h.i.+on it made. All this together rendered my life very easy, yea, even comfortable.

An indifferent person would now be apt to ask, What would this man desire more than he had? To this I answer, that I was contented while my condition was such as I have been describing; but a little while after the darkness or twilight came on, I frequently heard the voices again; sometimes a few only at a time, as it seemed, and then again in great numbers. This threw me into new fears, and I became as uneasy as ever, even to the degree of growing quite melancholy; though, otherwise, I never received the least injury from anything. I foolishly attempted several times, by looking out of my window, to discover what these odd sounds proceeded from, though I knew it was too dark to see anything there.

I was now fully convinced, by a more deliberate attention to them, that they could not be uttered by the beast-fish, as I had afore conjectured, but only by beings capable of articulate speech; but then, what or where they were, it galled me to be ignorant of.

At length, one night or day, I cannot say which, hearing the voices very distinctly, and praying very earnestly to be either delivered from the uncertainty they had put me under, or to have them removed from me, I took courage, and arming myself with gun, pistols, and cutla.s.s, I went out of my grotto and crept down the wood. I then heard them plainer than before, and was able to judge from what point of the compa.s.s they proceeded. Hereupon I went forward towards the sound, till I came to the verge of the wood, where I could see the lake very well by the dazzle of the water. Thereon, as I thought, I beheld a fleet of boats, covering a large compa.s.s, and not far from the bridge. I was shocked hereat beyond expression. I could not conceive where they came from, or whither they would go; but supposed there must be some other pa.s.sage to the lake than I had found in my voyage through the cavern, and that for certain they came that way, and from some place of which as yet I had no manner of knowledge.

Whilst I was entertaining myself with this speculation, I heard the people in the boats laughing and talking very merrily, though I was too distant to distinguish the words. I discerned soon after all the boats (as I still supposed 'em) draw up, and push for the bridge; presently after, though I was sure no boat entered the arch, I saw a mult.i.tude of people on the opposite sh.o.r.e all marching towards the bridge; and what was the strangest of all, there was not the least sign of a boat now left upon the whole lake. I then was in a greater consternation than before; but was still much more so when I saw the whole posse of people, that as I have just said were marching towards the bridge, coming over it to my side of the lake. At this my heart failed, and I was just going to run to my grotto for shelter; but taking one look more, I plainly discovered that the people, leaping one after another from the top of the bridge, as if into the water, and then rising again, flew in a long train over the lake, the lengthways of it, quite out of my sight, laughing, hallooing, and sporting together; so that looking back again to the bridge and on the lake, I could neither see person nor boat, nor anything else, nor hear the least noise or stir afterwards for that time.

I returned to my grotto brimful of this amazing adventure, bemoaning my misfortune in being at a place where I was like to remain ignorant of what was doing about me. For, says I, if I am in a land of spirits, as now I have little room to doubt, there is no guarding against them. I am never safe, even in my grotto; for that can be no security against such beings as can sail on the water in no boats, and fly in the air on no wings, as the case now appears to me, who can be here and there and wherever they please. What a miserable state, I say, am I fallen to!

I should have been glad to have had human converse, and to have found inhabitants in this place; but there being none, as I supposed hitherto, I contented myself with thinking that I was at least safe from all those evils mankind in society are obnoxious to. But now, what may be the consequence of the next hour I know not; nay, I am not able to say but whilst I speak, and show my discontent, they may at a distance conceive my thoughts, and be hatching revenge against me for my dislike of them.

The pressure of my spirits inclining me to repose, I laid me down, but could get no rest; nor could all my most serious thoughts, even of the Almighty Providence, give me relief under my present anxiety: and all this was only from my state of uncertainty concerning the reality of what I had heard and seen, and from the earnestness with which I coveted a satisfactory knowledge of those beings who had just taken their flight from me.

I really believe the fiercest wild beast, or the most savage of mankind that had met me, and put me upon my defence, would not have given me half the trouble that then lay upon me; and the more, for that I had no seeming possibility of ever being rid of my apprehensions: so finding I could not sleep, I got up again; but as I could not fly from myself, all the art I could use with myself was but in vain to obtain me any quiet.

In the height of my distress I had recourse to prayer, with no small benefit; begging that if it pleased not the Almighty Power to remove the object of my fears, at least to resolve my doubts about them, and to render them rather helpful than hurtful to me. I hereupon, as I always did on such occasions, found myself much more placid and easy, and began to hope the best, till I had almost persuaded myself that I was out of danger; and then laying myself down, I rested very sweetly till I was awakened by the impulse of the following dream.

Methought I was in Cornwall, at my wife's aunt's; and inquiring after her and my children, the old gentlewoman informed me, both my wife and children had been dead some time, and that my wife, before her departure, desired her (that is, her aunt) immediately upon my arrival to tell me she was only gone to the lake, where I should be sure to see her, and be happy with her ever after. I then, as I fancied, ran to the lake to find her. In my pa.s.sage she stopped me, crying, "Whither so fast, Peter? I am your wife, your Patty." Methought I did not know her, she was so altered; but observing her voice, and looking more wistfully at her, she appeared to me as the most beautiful creature I ever beheld. I then went to seize her in my arms; but the hurry of my spirits awakened me.

When I got up, I kept at home, not caring even to look out at my door.

My dream ran strangely in my head, and I had now nothing but Patty in my mind. "Oh!" cries I, "how happy could I be with her, though I had only her in this solitude. Oh! that this was but a reality, and not a dream."

And indeed, though it was but a dream, I could scarce refrain from running to the lake to meet my Patty. But then I checked my folly, and reasoned myself into some degree of temper again. However, I could not forbear crying out, "What, n.o.body to converse with! n.o.body to a.s.sist, comfort, or counsel me! This is a melancholy situation indeed." Thus I ran on lamenting till I was almost weary, when on a sudden I again heard the voices. "Hark!" says I, "here they come again. Well, I am now resolved to face them, come life, come death! It is not to be alone I thus dread; but to have company about me, and not know who or what, is death to me worse than I can suffer from them, be they who or what they will."

During my soliloquy the voices increased, and then by degrees diminished as usual; but I had scarce got my gun in my hand, to pursue my resolution of showing myself to those who uttered them, when I felt such a thump upon the roof of my ante-chamber as shook the whole fabric and set me all over into a tremor. I then heard a sort of shriek, and a rustle near the door of my apartment; all which together seemed very terrible. But I, having before determined to see what and who it was, resolutely opened my door and leaped out I saw n.o.body; all was quite silent, and nothing that I could perceive but my own fears amoving. I went then softly to the corner of the building, and there looking down, by the glimmer of my lamp which stood in the window, I saw something in human shape lying at my feet. I gave the word, "Who is there?" Still no one answered. My heart was ready to force a way through my side. I was for a while fixed to the earth like a statue. At length, recovering, I stepped in, fetched my lamp, and returning saw the very beautiful face my Patty appeared under in my dream; and not considering that it was only a dream, I verily thought I had my Patty before me; but she seemed to be stone dead. Upon viewing her other parts (for I had never yet removed my eyes from her face), I found she had a sort of brown chaplet, like lace, round her head, under and about which her hair was tucked up and twined; and she seemed to me to be clothed in a thin hair-coloured silk garment, which, upon trying to raise her, I found to be quite warm, and therefore hoped there was life in the body it contained. I then took her into my arms, and treading a step backwards with her, I put out my lamp; however, having her in my arms, I conveyed her through the doorway in the dark into my grotto; here I laid her upon my bed, and then ran out for my lamp.

This, thinks I, is an amazing adventure. How could Patty come here, and dressed in silk and whalebone too? Sure that is not the reigning fas.h.i.+on in England now? But my dream said she was dead. Why, truly, says I, so she seems to be. But be it so; she is warm. Whether this is the place for persons to inhabit after death or not, I can't tell (for I see there are people here, though I don't know them); but be it as it will, she feels as flesh and blood; and if I can but bring her to stir and act again as my wife, what matters it to me what she is? It will be a great blessing and comfort to me; for she never would have come to this very spot but for my good.

Top-full of these thoughts, I re-entered my grotto, shut my door and lighted my lamp; when going to my Patty (as I delighted to fancy her), I thought I saw her eyes stir a little. I then set the lamp farther off for fear of offending them if she should look up; and warming the last gla.s.s I had reserved of my Madeira, I carried it to her, but she never stirred. I now supposed the fall had absolutely killed her, and was prodigiously grieved; when laying my hand on her breast I perceived the fountain of life had some motion. This gave me infinite pleasure; so, not despairing, I dipped my finger in the wine and moistened her lips with it two or three times, and I imagined they opened a little. Upon this I bethought me, and taking a teaspoon, I gently poured a few drops of the wine by that means into her mouth. Finding she swallowed it, I poured in another spoonful, and another, till I brought her to herself so well as to be able to sit up. All this I did by a glimmering light which the lamp afforded from a distant part of the room, where I had placed it, as I have said, out of her sight.

I then spoke to her, and asked divers questions, as if she had really been Patty and understood me; in return of which she uttered a language I had no idea of, though in the most musical tone, and with the sweetest accent I ever heard. It grieved me I could not understand her. However, thinking she might like to be on her feet, I went to lift her off the bed, when she felt to my touch in the oddest manner imaginable; for while in one respect it was as though she had been cased up in whalebone it was at the same time as soft and warm as if she had been naked.

I then took her in my arms and carried her into my ante-chamber again, where I would fain have entered into conversation, but found she and I could make nothing of it together, unless we could understand one another's speech. It is very strange my dream should have prepossessed me so of Patty, and of the alteration of her countenance, that I could by no means persuade myself the person I had with me was not she; though, upon a deliberate comparison, Patty, as pleasing as she always was to my taste, would no more come up to this fair creature than a coa.r.s.e ale-wife would to Venus herself.

You may imagine we stared heartily at each other, and I doubted not but she wondered as much as I by what means we came so near each other. I offered her everything in my grotto which I thought might please her; some of which she gratefully received, as appeared by her looks and behaviour. But she avoided my lamp, and always placed her back toward it. I observing that, and ascribing it to her modesty in my company, let her have her will, and took care to set it in such a position myself as seemed agreeable to her, though it deprived me of a prospect I very much admired.

After we had sat a good while, now and then, I may say, chattering to one another, she got up and took a turn or two about the room. When I saw her in that att.i.tude, her grace and motion perfectly charmed me, and her shape was incomparable; but the strangeness of her dress put me to my trumps to conceive either what it was, or how it was put on.

Well, we supped together, and I set the best of everything I had before her, nor could either of us forbear speaking in our own tongue, though we were sensible neither of us understood the other. After supper I gave her some of my cordials, for which she showed great tokens of thankfulness, and often in her way, by signs and gestures, which were very far from being insignificant, expressed her grat.i.tude for my kindness. When supper had been some time over, I showed her my bed and made signs for her to go to it; but she seemed very shy of that, till I showed her where I meant to lie myself, by pointing to myself, then to that, and again pointing to her and to my bed. When at length I had made this matter intelligible to her, she lay down very composedly; and after I had taken care of my fire, and set the things I had been using for supper in their places, I laid myself down too; for I could have no suspicious thoughts or fear of danger from a form so excellent.

I treated her for some time with all the respect imaginable, and never suffered her to do the least part of my work. It was very inconvenient to both of us only to know each other's meaning by signs; but I could not be otherwise than pleased to see that she endeavoured all in her power to learn to talk like me. Indeed I was not behindhand with her in that respect, striving all I could to imitate her. What I all the while wondered at was, she never showed the least disquiet at her confinement; for I kept my door shut at first, through fear of losing her, thinking she would have taken an opportunity to run away from me; for little did I then think she could fly.

CHAPTER XV.

Wilkin s afraid of losing his new mistress--They live together all winter--A remark on that--They begin to know each other's language--A long discourse between them at cross purposes--She flies--They engage to be man and wife.

After my new love had been with me a fortnight, finding my water run low, I was greatly troubled at the thought of quitting her any time to go for more; and having hinted it to her, with seeming uneasiness, she could not for a while fathom my meaning; but when she saw me much confused, she came at length, by the many signs I made, to imagine it was my concern for her which made me so; whereupon she expressively enough signified I might be easy, for she did not fear anything happening to her in my absence. On this, as well as I could declare my meaning, I entreated her not to go away before my return. As soon as she understood what I signified to her by actions, she sat down, with her arms across, leaning her head against the wall to a.s.sure me she would not stir. However, as I had before nailed a cord to the outside of the door, I tied that for caution's sake to the tree, for fear of the worst: but I believe she had not the least design of removing.

I took my boat, net, and water-cask, as usual, desirous of bringing her home a fresh fish dinner, and succeeded so well as to catch enough for several good meals, and to spare. What remained I salted, and found she liked that better than the fresh, after a few days' salting; though she did not so well approve of that I had formerly pickled and dried. As my salt grew very low, though I had been as sparing of it as possible, I now resolved to try making some; and the next summer I effected it.

Thus we spent the remainder of the winter together, till the days began to be light enough for me to walk abroad a little in the middle of them; for I was now under no apprehensions of her leaving me, as she had before this time had so many opportunities of doing so, but never once attempted it.